What Now

My husband left for work with a curt see ya and I was hit with the reality that this was it...this is all that's left. Passing by like roomates. Speaking only when necessary. Living our lives completely separate from each other.
I know I did this. I made it this way so I wouldnt have to feel the pain of conversations ending in arguments, trying to tell him things and noticing that he isn't listening or just in general needing someone to lean on and coming up empty. I lost my job a few months ago and called him in the way home and somehow after telling him this he turned it into how hard his day was...I was tired of feeling disappointed, of having him be attentive only when he wants a "night c ap"...he talks and promises to change but after hearing it and seeing no change for 3 years I shut down..saving myself from the crushing feeling of emptiness and disappointment. I feel stupid for thinking maybe this time he means it and after getting what he needs neing treated like I dont exist or only exist for him to vent all of his negative energy on...its exhausting.
So now im left a shell of who I once was, void of emotion, unable to have an adult conversation in my own home with the one person I should feel the most free with, wanting to be held without an eye roll or it having to go further. I dont want to leave. I want him to want me.
mylifemess3 mylifemess3
31-35, F
2 Responses Jan 16, 2013

I hear you. My partner is the same. I used to be a social butterfly but now go to bed when the kids do to avoid another whine, moan, negative comment about what I've apparently not done that day (I work full time whilst running my kids single handily to school, clubs etc) it's miserable. I've been to councelling and taken anti depressant and have tried talking to him but it falls on deaf ears. It is a crushing blow to confidence and self worth and no man is worth you losing these things. I too fight with the urge to leave my bloke, he controls me by limiting my social involvement and withholding money (meaning i pay the bills and he pays me his half eventually) and I just can't seem to leave. I do not know why as I do not love him I just don't have the strength to leave and endure the fights, and name calling etc that will inevitably happen. If you have any strength left I suggest you leave now while you still have some fight about you. Good luck...life is for living.

There are plenty of us out here you can talk to and share your feelings, you are not alone.