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Third Marriage Failing...

Hurting people hurt people... Married my high school sweetheart at 19. Gave birth to our first daughter at 21, after that 3 more daughters born to that marriage. He was an insecure man, treated me like a savage. I stayed because I loved him. At 28 I finally got the courage to leave and it was the best decision I had made in my life. After being with him for 13 years, it was sort of a shock to be alone. So I began drinking, (had my first taste of a wine cooler at 28) got my first tat, and went in search to find myself... I completed nursing school, found a fantastic job. Cared for my children and tried to mask the depression through empty relationships and working. Well... I carelessly got pregnant again and had a fifth daughter. Please don't get this wrong,,, I love being a mom, and all of my children live with me. I take pride in being a mother, but loneliness had a way of showing up, like that person you try to avoid but always seem to run into, when you least expect it. .. Making a long story short, I had 6 engagements, I chose a lunatic for a second husband, he didn't want my kids around, he married me knowing I had kids.. so.. you don't want my kids.. you don't want me.. He had to go. Third husband, I married for security, just out of loneliness. I wasn't totally over the trauma of the second screw up.. just wanted someone constant. ... I am angry because I made a hasty decision, the guilt of it all had been eating me from the inside out and I began blaming him for my anger. He is an older gentleman and has ED, so we have never been intimate, (the frustration over that alone is driving me bats...also after only two months of being married, I found out that he never divorced his second wife) I have held this over his head and began criticizing him.. when the truth is.. I don't love him. .. and I have had to admit this to him, and explain that I married him for the wrong reason. I have asked him to forgive me, I have had to forgive myself for this terrible mistake. I have decided to let this go and work on fixing me.. I will not date or entertain the thought until I am emotionally ready.. Hurting people really do hurt other people...
mizzmarie1 mizzmarie1 41-45, F 1 Response Jan 19, 2013

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My pastor said this today, it was the first time I have ever heard the phrase "Hurting people hurt people" it is so true. I commend you for focusing on yourself before making any hasty decisions. I feel the same way about my own marriage (2nd marriage). Good luck to you!