To Be Lonely, So Very Lonely, But Not Alone Tortures My Soul.

The concise version of my story: I have been married almost 23 years. We've had two boys and many ups and downs, especially financially. A child of divorce myself, I have never been able to bring myself to seek my freedom even though staying has often meant being miserable. I don't want my sons to go through what I did, and so I sacrifice my own happiness for theirs. . at least until they are 18.
I married young, less than a year after graduating high school at age 17. But I wasn't completely naive. I knew marriage would sometimes be difficult. I just never knew it could be so lonely and that a person could be married but crave simple affection and physical touch so badly that it would feel like a withering of the soul.
My husband is 15 years older than me and suffers from E.D. We sleep in separate rooms, which he says is for my benefit and because we work different shifts. I have to get up early, and he gets home late. He snores, I sometimes grind my teeth while I sleep, .. the excuse are many and varied. To me the reason doesn't matter. It all means the same thing, he is several rooms away, never beside me, I have no one's arms to hold me.
Perhaps once every 3 months or so, he shares my bed for 15 minutes under the influence of that little blue pill. In between he sometimes touches me, a grope here and a grope there. Always sexual, never simple affectionate or comforting touch. The obligatory-feeling peck on the cheek before he leaves for work most days. But I never feel like he wants to touch me just for the sake of touch alone. Lust yes, perhaps.. or is that obligation too?
I think sometimes that I have forgotten what love feels like. I wonder if I will make a change in my life when my sons are grown and independent. . or if I will survive that long without the comfort of human touch.
freewhentheyturn18 freewhentheyturn18
41-45, F
1 Response Jan 21, 2013

It can be very lonely even though both people do love each other. Snuggling on the couch watching tv, holding hands just little things that make everything ok.