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Time Wasted

I married way too young, at the age of 19. I was an insecure, scared child at the time, and all I knew was that I loved this fun-loving guy and I was comfortable and safe with him. So when he proposed, I said yes, even though I knew I wasn't ready. I didn't want to hurt him, and I couldn't bare the thought of being without him.

The love I felt for him began to fade just one year into our marriage. But I was still too insecure and afraid to tell him. So several years went by with me being completely miserable and depressed. We both grew into different people. He was no longer the fun-loving guy I fell in love with. He became a typical guy that likes to stay home watching football rather than taking his girl out. I was still young and I wanted to go out and have fun. I went out every weekend with my girlfriends instead of with him. We rarely shared those late-into-the-night, soul-connecting conversations anymore. A vastness grew between us. We became roommates instead of soulmates.

Then it came to a point when I decided to leave him. That was the most liberating thing I'd ever done. But it crushed me to see how much it hurt him. He begged me to come back. He told me he could be the man I fell in love with, that he could meet my emotional needs, that he could be my soulmate again. And like a fool, I believed him. I went back to him.

And not soon after I got the shock of my life. We hadn't been planning, nor had we wanted, children. But somehow, even with birth control, I wound up pregnant. Interestingly, this made our relationship much better. It seemed to bridge the gap between us. We now had something in common - our child.

But that feeling did not last. Towards the end of my pregnancy, he turned back into that typical guy again. And what I mean by that is: insensitive, selfish, obliviant. He rarely ever seemed to really care about me. I never got one massage throughout my whole pregnancy. And he was never interested in touching my tummy to feel the baby move, or to put his ear to my stomach to hear the heartbeat. No romance, no sweetness, no nothing. He seemed to only care about work, football, and golf. So, we were back to being roommates again.

But I couldn't leave him then. I had a child to think of. I didn't yet have my degrees or a good paying job. I was still in school. I needed him financially.

That was about four years ago. Now, things are pretty much the same. I have graduated and I have a job, but it's not enough to support my child and I on our own, not yet at least. I might be financially set in 2 years, so my plan is to hang on that long and then let him go.

I've wasted so much of my young life. I feel so sad that my 20s are almost gone, and it's been almost entirely loveless. But, it was all my fault. I shouldn't have been so insecure in the first place. If only I'd told him in the beginning how I truly felt, this never would have happened. And now it's up to me to change it.

infinitedreamer infinitedreamer 26-30, F 89 Responses Sep 10, 2008

Your Response


Don't blame it on yourself. What it was, it was, learn from it. Grow from it, evolve from it. If you take the courage to go on your own life opportunities will come at your door one door will close, the one you don't get enough energy from and more powerful will open. Love yourself enough to go your own way, you owe it to yourself. Your people close to you are important but your soul is the most important of all, so don't wait for next life live this one.

Only you have the power to change it.

Your story sounds like mine. Only I hung in there for 45 years and then finally left.

The grass isnt always greener you know. However I never married, and am glad of it. xx You are better off having kids and staying in at a young age, for sure. I did the opposite and went out partying. Drunken nights, but make me giggle now.... But being with someone who is just so unaware or oblivious, If he didnt even show interest in your pregnancy, rubbing your belly and asking how you are....... thats crazy. Yep, and whilst that two years is going on, get some new friends....... xx :-))))

Here's the deal: It's never a good time to leave, only you can decide when you have been miserable long enough. People typically do not change, they may "put on a face" temporarily while dating or trying to impress someone, but eventually the "way they truly are" comes out. Things will not get better unless you change them. They say insanity is repeating he same actions over and over hoping for a different result. Girl.. there will never be enough money or will things change (including your happiness). Know all change in life has risk attached. I have watched people make the same mistake and stayed miserable for thirty years in a marriage. If you need encouragement or like to talk, I am here.

I mean 'he' to be your husband

nothing is your fault what ever wrong has happened is an accident , god has gifted you a child to play with ,to fondle, he is unfortunate he could not discern love, the ultimate treasure on earth.

You are smart. I married young also. I left my ex husband a couple of times but didn't get any sound advice. Even though I worked I was not able to support myself and the children without his help. I made it but it was hard.

You should definitely tough it out for as long as you can. Save your money. Plan. Keep your credit and background clean. Well wishes.

Dont be dissapointed in the past, just no that there is no reason you need to be insecure now. Look for someone else, and dont make it your lifes mission to find the perfect guy asap. You will find someone as long as you consistently keep looking. and of course he will end up being far from perfect.

I agree. You don't need someone in your life to make you happy. Make yourself happy and the right guy will come along.

I can so relate to your post!!!

How is life any improvements...

20s? You're still young. Some people let this type of situation go into their 30s, 40s and 50s. What you've got is a loveless marriage with a child in the middle. You've likely mada a wrong choice of partner for life and you need to move on now before you have anotherchild. Get the custody thing worked out, get divorced and go find a guy that you meet his needs and he yours. End this before it ends you.

No. Stick in there for as long as you can. Save your money. Plan. Forget about another guy. Love on yourself first!

Forgive me for the lack of empathy, but aren't you all, i mean those of you who've described this situation of being trapped in a loveless marriage, ignoring one basic elementary rule of relationship, that, blaming the other spouse for your situation, will never ever improve it, in any way. You've chosen a person, enjoyed the initial years, then the marriage goes stale and what do you do about it? Complain and wallow in self pity...this is like saying, well you married me now hop skip and jump every day to keep me excited and happy ! Just he didn't marry you, you married each other. How many of you miserably sad ladies have tried to generate your interest in golf? or watched his kind of program with him on tv?? Difficult questions to answer if honesty were to be a pre-requisite... You're staying cause you're financially not independent? need the insurance cover? don't have money for a good lawyer? and you call yourselves soul mates or at least complain that you want one??? Ha...i too have been married for 21 yrs now and have seen everything that you all have talked about & know what i am saying. Believe me, you're sad and miserable cause the only thing you've ever done is wallow in self pity or complain, being part of the problem is so simple, it is being the part of solution that creates happiness...

Sorry Charlie. Just because you've been married for 21 years doesn't make you an expert. People have been married 25 to 30 years and have divorced so get over yourself.

This young lady deserves happiness. Period.

Your story matches mine word for word. My mistake is searching for happiness while married. However, everybody deserves happiness

I too married at barely 20, should have left many, many years ago but went from being taken care of by my parents to being taken care of by my hubby. I am now 52 years old, diagnosed with terminal cancer and feel like I have wasted my life. Can't leave him now because i need insurance. My hubby and I have nothing, even my children realize that we basically stay with each other because we have to. If I live long enough to see my daughter leave the house, I dream of just leaving and just saying screw it. Don't waste your life, it may be over before you know are still young

I know its been 5 years but I was wondering how things ended up? Im in a very similar situation, this feb.14th we will have been together 19 years. We have 3 kids between us & im in my late 30's.
Lately i am feeling very desperate to get away from him. He has grown EXTREMELY cold towards me. Treats me like I am a complete idiot & talks crap about me to all his family so his family does not really care for me that much.
I am either non confrontational or will go for the jugguler if pushed so I have pulled away from his family out of fear of damaging our relationship more if i stick up for myself. I feel like he is embarrassed of me but when i do work & make $$ he treats me better so i get confused. I am afraid to leave w/out having enough $$ for a good lawyer. I tried to leave before we had children together & he went crazy.
So im afraid of what he will say & do around the kids. He is a police officer so the courts may believe him more over me.
Im just panicky & very lonely- have been for years!

Tough situation. People should just mutually call it quits and let the other person be free to move on with their lives without blame or fear instead of being trapped in a loveless or crappy relationship.

personally, the world would be a better place if fewer people got married at all. Marriage has its perks, but unless you love that person (really love them), the bloom comes off the rose eventually. I also think no one should get married before 30; most of us haven't a clue what we really want out of life until then and most of us aren't mature enough to handle its responsibilities until that time. Marriage is only something for those who truly can't live without that other person.

fyi, i think it is very insensitive for @LonelyRoss to exploit your painful situation by leaving you his somewhat creepy email address and message below.<br />
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anyway, I don't think you should only blame yourself for this bc there are two people involved in a relationship. i understand that you want to wait two years to get out bc you have a kid to think of, but if you leave before then you can always find a way to make it until that time. there are lots of resources out there for single parents. you don't need to be dependent on someone who is emotionally unavailable and who you don't wan to be with in the first place. staying for this reason alone is not fair to you, him, and most of all it is not fair to your kid...bc even babies pick up on the type of cold, distant, negative energy you are describing. even if it is not overtly dysfunctional or abusive, it still affects them. it may be hurting your kid more by staying than what he/she might have to do without until you get on your feet. besides, two years is a long time and so much can happen during that time. why miss out on life that much longer if you are certain that you will never be happy in this marriage?

I'm really sorry to hear about your marriage situation. I find myself constantely wanting passion and love like I was a teenager again. Are we really suppose to ignore that?? I tried to take my wife out tonight and she complained the whole time (again). Some men want romance too,,:) newintown0782@

If it were me, I'd get a new wife if there is stil time.

I wonder if this same very story will apply to me in the future. I am not sure because I am still wrapped in the whole 'I am still in love with him' thing. I got married when I was 19 and he is not U.S citizen but he has his green card. At first it was all good until he started to only be about starting his own business and working....... I honestly don't know how our future will look, but I hope it does not end bad. I just know at this point.... the "rough time" thing is not working out well.

Yeah I have NOT been in your situation to be honest. But I have seen the same thing over and over again in the lives of other people Including my parents > that is why I resolved Not to ever get married young. In fact I am in my late thirties and still have not gotten married yet. and I plan not to for some years to come. <br />
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The reason is that when a person is young. They really don't know who they really are and have not lived long enough to do a lot of things they want to do and explore the world the way their inner being wants them too. Young people sometimes "think they know about life" but the truth is that they Don't know diddley about life much yet. I have seen so many people get married young and it almost NEVER Lasts long. When young people get married they usually have about 2 good years...of being all giddy and lovey dovey then that passes and then they are left stuck into a situation they are not prepared for. They are connected legally to a person they thought they knew but don't really know. They come to the the conclusion that there is much MORE to a marriage then having lovey dovey times.. in marrage there is responsibility, financial issues, dealing with inlaws, children or the possibility of children. The possibility of a difference in religion or spiritual path that can be an issue. There is the possibility that you are no longer attracted to each other any more because when you were so young it was mostly hormones and Lust talking > not real love or real understanding. So me I have done the smart thing and stayed single. When I was in my early twenties I did have an awesome Girlfriend for about 3 years and we had an awesome relationship > but she started to push the > I want to get married I want to get married < deal so I left her and I am GLAD I DID> that would have ruined the best years of my life. Because after I left her. I moved and had all kinds of adventures in different parts of the world and have met so many awesome people and have done so many awesome things and I say.. Man when I left that girl I did the RIGHT thing. Because I still know her... she was so gung-ho to get married that she did get married about a year and a half after she left me to a guy she met and her whole life fell apart. She married a guy and the bought a house and the guy started to cheat on her and mistreat her and they lost the house and she lost every dime she ever made and it was a long nasty divorce and she tells me now <br />
I will NEVER get married again. and I tell her > I have told her. That is why I did not want to get married when you wanted to push it on me. Young marriages usually dont work. I have told her that (years after the fact ) and she agrees. She agrees that she was wrong to want to get married so young. Life is LONG folks. Dont strap yourself down into forever obligations when your young. Live your life for a while with the freedom of singleness so you can try different things and <br />
live a little bit so when you do settle down later in life you know more about life and know more about what you want and need etc etc/ <br />
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For me getting married before you turn 35 is a pretty stupid move. <br />
Getting married in the low 40's I think is cool.. for people who are ready for it. <br />
And if your not ready for it for sure > at any age don't do it <br />
and don't let anybody pressure you into it. <br />
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until I do decide to get married when I am a bit older and ready for it <br />
I just have regular relationships with women and we can have good times <br />
with out the stress of a binding lifelong "marriage policy" <br />
You don't need a piece of paper from city haul marriage contract <br />
to have a relationship with somebody that is fulfilling<br />
in fact I think the dam marriage contract takes all the fun away <br />
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And for these religious People who try to tell people that a relationship is <br />
not proper unless your married I say on behalf of all the miserable <br />
unhappy married people around the world. Screw YOU. and your bull-**** <br />
ha ha

similar case. arranged marriage. have nothing in common with my spouse. kids make it hard to leave the marriage. have tried for years to get him to see that I need a partner to share my life with and not just a father who barely participates in the childrens' life. no physical or emotional intimacy. have tried so many ways to re-ignite things. the anger and hurt keeps growing, but my culturural background won't allow divorce. plus I feel bad for the man who has no friends and is not open to any new experiences and is so lost in his career and life. accepting that sometimes it is just not meant to be. I have great friends and the children and my job give me plenty to smile about. but it still hurts when I know I am in a situation that will not change and I will never experience love from the husbandI keep trying everyday to talk it out and then get shut out..wish I could leave all this behind once the kids are adults.

On a different perspective ... how much were you there for him? I notice that the story is very self centered.... Also the thing of the plan you mentioned means that you are just using the guy for your needs ... <br />
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I don't want to be offensive but it takes "two to tango" and marriage is all about boat trip where each person (man and wife) have an oar in their hand to make if move straight .... Bare in mind that if your attitude put him down ... and you brought about the change from the ever so nice guy you quoted to the typical guy you later mentioned then it is partially your fault ... <br />
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If you're a commitment Charlie ... you just were not good to marry and you just did not like the commitment involved in marriage ..... I don't think the guy is that possessive ... it shows from where you mentioned that he lets you go out with your friends on the weekend... meaning that he trusts you .... If I were you ... stop listening to the people who relate to you in their stories ... so you stop feeling miserable .... and make things WORK... not only for your own good but also for him and for the child .... Once you go out of your way and stop being a baby yourself ... I can almost guarantee you that you will see a difference for the better in your present situation ....

Hey , I feel sorry for what you are going true and me just like yourself got married to young and i havechildren and I am still married after 13 years . My life is complicated and I feel am stuck were I am in place of living the life I really want . You still in early twenties and still have your whole life ahead of you ! If you feel that same emptiness every morning and fall asleep silently frustrated and kick yourself every day for not being able to turn the clock back in time then be strong and do what's best for you ! Because now you could still do it !

Am married to the first love of my life, for fifteen years, we know each other for twenty eight years. My husband is twenty years older than me.Since we been married we never went out on a date, we stayed home all the time, the only place i know is my work place.When i get home from work my husband is sleeping.I just felt lonely most of the time

I know what you mean. Good luck :)

typical story of how two people fall in love then one or both discover that the person they married wasnt who they tought they were. so one or both try for a while but has desided that they just cant accept the other for who they are. then they demand the other change or the other commits to changing in fear of lossing who they love. then years later the one that wants change desides the change that has occured is not enough then the other finnally realizes that the person that wants change never really loved him anyway and would never just accept him for who he is. then it is really over!! and all because one person not being able to simply accept another person for who they are.

Best of luck marc m

I was 19. I married for the same reasons. I waited so long I had 3 children and turned 38-years old and thought I was going to die - so I left. My guilt told me to let the kids stay with their dad because I had to run to Boston - as far East as I could get without drowing in the ocean. <br />
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It was, and in many ways still is, HELL for all of us. Yes, we all got through it. No we didn't kill ourselves - we made it - but it was so unnecessary.<br />
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Granted, my husband at the time had no use for counseling despite my pleading - I wasn't a complete loser who didn't try. But I waited too long, had too many kids that were hurt in the process.<br />
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All I'm saying is, if you're feeling this way get out before too many people get hurt. Especially if it's your kids. They deserve more than that. The husband will be just fine - the kids have no choice. DON'T get to the point where you're staying for their sake, just get out before they're there to begin with!

This is a sad story. Some one has lied to you and told you that love is being worshiped by some one.