Time Wasted

I married way too young, at the age of 19. I was an insecure, scared child at the time, and all I knew was that I loved this fun-loving guy and I was comfortable and safe with him. So when he proposed, I said yes, even though I knew I wasn't ready. I didn't want to hurt him, and I couldn't bare the thought of being without him.

The love I felt for him began to fade just one year into our marriage. But I was still too insecure and afraid to tell him. So several years went by with me being completely miserable and depressed. We both grew into different people. He was no longer the fun-loving guy I fell in love with. He became a typical guy that likes to stay home watching football rather than taking his girl out. I was still young and I wanted to go out and have fun. I went out every weekend with my girlfriends instead of with him. We rarely shared those late-into-the-night, soul-connecting conversations anymore. A vastness grew between us. We became roommates instead of soulmates.

Then it came to a point when I decided to leave him. That was the most liberating thing I'd ever done. But it crushed me to see how much it hurt him. He begged me to come back. He told me he could be the man I fell in love with, that he could meet my emotional needs, that he could be my soulmate again. And like a fool, I believed him. I went back to him.

And not soon after I got the shock of my life. We hadn't been planning, nor had we wanted, children. But somehow, even with birth control, I wound up pregnant. Interestingly, this made our relationship much better. It seemed to bridge the gap between us. We now had something in common - our child.

But that feeling did not last. Towards the end of my pregnancy, he turned back into that typical guy again. And what I mean by that is: insensitive, selfish, obliviant. He rarely ever seemed to really care about me. I never got one massage throughout my whole pregnancy. And he was never interested in touching my tummy to feel the baby move, or to put his ear to my stomach to hear the heartbeat. No romance, no sweetness, no nothing. He seemed to only care about work, football, and golf. So, we were back to being roommates again.

But I couldn't leave him then. I had a child to think of. I didn't yet have my degrees or a good paying job. I was still in school. I needed him financially.

That was about four years ago. Now, things are pretty much the same. I have graduated and I have a job, but it's not enough to support my child and I on our own, not yet at least. I might be financially set in 2 years, so my plan is to hang on that long and then let him go.

I've wasted so much of my young life. I feel so sad that my 20s are almost gone, and it's been almost entirely loveless. But, it was all my fault. I shouldn't have been so insecure in the first place. If only I'd told him in the beginning how I truly felt, this never would have happened. And now it's up to me to change it.

infinitedreamer infinitedreamer
26-30, F
93 Responses Sep 10, 2008

No one said it was easy very inspiring story thanks for sharing life works itself out remember friendship is something you two are fortunate to have also history. Hopefully the decision to part or stay together can be made together.

I understand completely. So am I. Hope ur ok.

me too and it's the holidays and I don't have my parents anymore and the one person I thought would never betray me did .. So I'm so lonely The good friends I do have don't understand because they are not married so I'm just really depressed and lonely too. (hugs)

Just keep your mind busy
Find a lover lol
I'm alone for the holidays too, just chat with people it helps

Hi tere

Don't blame it on yourself. What it was, it was, learn from it. Grow from it, evolve from it. If you take the courage to go on your own life opportunities will come at your door one door will close, the one you don't get enough energy from and more powerful will open. Love yourself enough to go your own way, you owe it to yourself. Your people close to you are important but your soul is the most important of all, so don't wait for next life live this one.

Only you have the power to change it.

Your story sounds like mine. Only I hung in there for 45 years and then finally left.

The grass isnt always greener you know. However I never married, and am glad of it. xx You are better off having kids and staying in at a young age, for sure. I did the opposite and went out partying. Drunken nights, but make me giggle now.... But being with someone who is just so unaware or oblivious, If he didnt even show interest in your pregnancy, rubbing your belly and asking how you are....... thats crazy. Yep, and whilst that two years is going on, get some new friends....... xx :-))))

Here's the deal: It's never a good time to leave, only you can decide when you have been miserable long enough. People typically do not change, they may "put on a face" temporarily while dating or trying to impress someone, but eventually the "way they truly are" comes out. Things will not get better unless you change them. They say insanity is repeating he same actions over and over hoping for a different result. Girl.. there will never be enough money or will things change (including your happiness). Know all change in life has risk attached. I have watched people make the same mistake and stayed miserable for thirty years in a marriage. If you need encouragement or like to talk, I am here.

I mean 'he' to be your husband

nothing is your fault what ever wrong has happened is an accident , god has gifted you a child to play with ,to fondle, he is unfortunate he could not discern love, the ultimate treasure on earth.

You are smart. I married young also. I left my ex husband a couple of times but didn't get any sound advice. Even though I worked I was not able to support myself and the children without his help. I made it but it was hard.

You should definitely tough it out for as long as you can. Save your money. Plan. Keep your credit and background clean. Well wishes.

Dont be dissapointed in the past, just no that there is no reason you need to be insecure now. Look for someone else, and dont make it your lifes mission to find the perfect guy asap. You will find someone as long as you consistently keep looking. and of course he will end up being far from perfect.

I agree. You don't need someone in your life to make you happy. Make yourself happy and the right guy will come along.

I can so relate to your post!!!

How is life any improvements...

20s? You're still young. Some people let this type of situation go into their 30s, 40s and 50s. What you've got is a loveless marriage with a child in the middle. You've likely mada a wrong choice of partner for life and you need to move on now before you have anotherchild. Get the custody thing worked out, get divorced and go find a guy that you meet his needs and he yours. End this before it ends you.

No. Stick in there for as long as you can. Save your money. Plan. Forget about another guy. Love on yourself first!

Forgive me for the lack of empathy, but aren't you all, i mean those of you who've described this situation of being trapped in a loveless marriage, ignoring one basic elementary rule of relationship, that, blaming the other spouse for your situation, will never ever improve it, in any way. You've chosen a person, enjoyed the initial years, then the marriage goes stale and what do you do about it? Complain and wallow in self pity...this is like saying, well you married me now hop skip and jump every day to keep me excited and happy ! Just he didn't marry you, you married each other. How many of you miserably sad ladies have tried to generate your interest in golf? or watched his kind of program with him on tv?? Difficult questions to answer if honesty were to be a pre-requisite... You're staying cause you're financially not independent? need the insurance cover? don't have money for a good lawyer? and you call yourselves soul mates or at least complain that you want one??? Ha...i too have been married for 21 yrs now and have seen everything that you all have talked about & know what i am saying. Believe me, you're sad and miserable cause the only thing you've ever done is wallow in self pity or complain, being part of the problem is so simple, it is being the part of solution that creates happiness...

Sorry Charlie. Just because you've been married for 21 years doesn't make you an expert. People have been married 25 to 30 years and have divorced so get over yourself.

This young lady deserves happiness. Period.

Your story matches mine word for word. My mistake is searching for happiness while married. However, everybody deserves happiness

I too married at barely 20, should have left many, many years ago but went from being taken care of by my parents to being taken care of by my hubby. I am now 52 years old, diagnosed with terminal cancer and feel like I have wasted my life. Can't leave him now because i need insurance. My hubby and I have nothing, even my children realize that we basically stay with each other because we have to. If I live long enough to see my daughter leave the house, I dream of just leaving and just saying screw it. Don't waste your life, it may be over before you know it..you are still young

I know its been 5 years but I was wondering how things ended up? Im in a very similar situation, this feb.14th we will have been together 19 years. We have 3 kids between us & im in my late 30's.
Lately i am feeling very desperate to get away from him. He has grown EXTREMELY cold towards me. Treats me like I am a complete idiot & talks crap about me to all his family so his family does not really care for me that much.
I am either non confrontational or will go for the jugguler if pushed so I have pulled away from his family out of fear of damaging our relationship more if i stick up for myself. I feel like he is embarrassed of me but when i do work & make $$ he treats me better so i get confused. I am afraid to leave w/out having enough $$ for a good lawyer. I tried to leave before we had children together & he went crazy.
So im afraid of what he will say & do around the kids. He is a police officer so the courts may believe him more over me.
Im just panicky & very lonely- have been for years!

Tough situation. People should just mutually call it quits and let the other person be free to move on with their lives without blame or fear instead of being trapped in a loveless or crappy relationship.

personally, the world would be a better place if fewer people got married at all. Marriage has its perks, but unless you love that person (really love them), the bloom comes off the rose eventually. I also think no one should get married before 30; most of us haven't a clue what we really want out of life until then and most of us aren't mature enough to handle its responsibilities until that time. Marriage is only something for those who truly can't live without that other person.

fyi, i think it is very insensitive for @LonelyRoss to exploit your painful situation by leaving you his somewhat creepy email address and message below.<br />
<br />
anyway, I don't think you should only blame yourself for this bc there are two people involved in a relationship. i understand that you want to wait two years to get out bc you have a kid to think of, but if you leave before then you can always find a way to make it until that time. there are lots of resources out there for single parents. you don't need to be dependent on someone who is emotionally unavailable and who you don't wan to be with in the first place. staying for this reason alone is not fair to you, him, and most of all it is not fair to your kid...bc even babies pick up on the type of cold, distant, negative energy you are describing. even if it is not overtly dysfunctional or abusive, it still affects them. it may be hurting your kid more by staying than what he/she might have to do without until you get on your feet. besides, two years is a long time and so much can happen during that time. why miss out on life that much longer if you are certain that you will never be happy in this marriage?

I'm really sorry to hear about your marriage situation. I find myself constantely wanting passion and love like I was a teenager again. Are we really suppose to ignore that?? I tried to take my wife out tonight and she complained the whole time (again). Some men want romance too,,:) newintown0782@ gmail.com

If it were me, I'd get a new wife if there is stil time.

I wonder if this same very story will apply to me in the future. I am not sure because I am still wrapped in the whole 'I am still in love with him' thing. I got married when I was 19 and he is not U.S citizen but he has his green card. At first it was all good until he started to only be about starting his own business and working....... I honestly don't know how our future will look, but I hope it does not end bad. I just know at this point.... the "rough time" thing is not working out well.

Yeah I have NOT been in your situation to be honest. But I have seen the same thing over and over again in the lives of other people Including my parents > that is why I resolved Not to ever get married young. In fact I am in my late thirties and still have not gotten married yet. and I plan not to for some years to come. <br />
<br />
The reason is that when a person is young. They really don't know who they really are and have not lived long enough to do a lot of things they want to do and explore the world the way their inner being wants them too. Young people sometimes "think they know about life" but the truth is that they Don't know diddley about life much yet. I have seen so many people get married young and it almost NEVER Lasts long. When young people get married they usually have about 2 good years...of being all giddy and lovey dovey then that passes and then they are left stuck into a situation they are not prepared for. They are connected legally to a person they thought they knew but don't really know. They come to the the conclusion that there is much MORE to a marriage then having lovey dovey times.. in marrage there is responsibility, financial issues, dealing with inlaws, children or the possibility of children. The possibility of a difference in religion or spiritual path that can be an issue. There is the possibility that you are no longer attracted to each other any more because when you were so young it was mostly hormones and Lust talking > not real love or real understanding. So me I have done the smart thing and stayed single. When I was in my early twenties I did have an awesome Girlfriend for about 3 years and we had an awesome relationship > but she started to push the > I want to get married I want to get married < deal so I left her and I am GLAD I DID> that would have ruined the best years of my life. Because after I left her. I moved and had all kinds of adventures in different parts of the world and have met so many awesome people and have done so many awesome things and I say.. Man when I left that girl I did the RIGHT thing. Because I still know her... she was so gung-ho to get married that she did get married about a year and a half after she left me to a guy she met and her whole life fell apart. She married a guy and the bought a house and the guy started to cheat on her and mistreat her and they lost the house and she lost every dime she ever made and it was a long nasty divorce and she tells me now <br />
I will NEVER get married again. and I tell her > I have told her. That is why I did not want to get married when you wanted to push it on me. Young marriages usually dont work. I have told her that (years after the fact ) and she agrees. She agrees that she was wrong to want to get married so young. Life is LONG folks. Dont strap yourself down into forever obligations when your young. Live your life for a while with the freedom of singleness so you can try different things and <br />
live a little bit so when you do settle down later in life you know more about life and know more about what you want and need etc etc/ <br />
<br />
For me getting married before you turn 35 is a pretty stupid move. <br />
Getting married in the low 40's I think is cool.. for people who are ready for it. <br />
And if your not ready for it for sure > at any age don't do it <br />
and don't let anybody pressure you into it. <br />
<br />
until I do decide to get married when I am a bit older and ready for it <br />
I just have regular relationships with women and we can have good times <br />
with out the stress of a binding lifelong "marriage policy" <br />
You don't need a piece of paper from city haul marriage contract <br />
to have a relationship with somebody that is fulfilling<br />
in fact I think the dam marriage contract takes all the fun away <br />
<br />
And for these religious People who try to tell people that a relationship is <br />
not proper unless your married I say on behalf of all the miserable <br />
unhappy married people around the world. Screw YOU. and your bull-**** <br />
ha ha

similar case. arranged marriage. have nothing in common with my spouse. kids make it hard to leave the marriage. have tried for years to get him to see that I need a partner to share my life with and not just a father who barely participates in the childrens' life. no physical or emotional intimacy. have tried so many ways to re-ignite things. the anger and hurt keeps growing, but my culturural background won't allow divorce. plus I feel bad for the man who has no friends and is not open to any new experiences and is so lost in his career and life. accepting that sometimes it is just not meant to be. I have great friends and the children and my job give me plenty to smile about. but it still hurts when I know I am in a situation that will not change and I will never experience love from the husbandI keep trying everyday to talk it out and then get shut out..wish I could leave all this behind once the kids are adults.

On a different perspective ... how much were you there for him? I notice that the story is very self centered.... Also the thing of the plan you mentioned means that you are just using the guy for your needs ... <br />
<br />
I don't want to be offensive but it takes "two to tango" and marriage is all about boat trip where each person (man and wife) have an oar in their hand to make if move straight .... Bare in mind that if your attitude put him down ... and you brought about the change from the ever so nice guy you quoted to the typical guy you later mentioned then it is partially your fault ... <br />
<br />
If you're a commitment Charlie ... you just were not good to marry and you just did not like the commitment involved in marriage ..... I don't think the guy is that possessive ... it shows from where you mentioned that he lets you go out with your friends on the weekend... meaning that he trusts you .... If I were you ... stop listening to the people who relate to you in their stories ... so you stop feeling miserable .... and make things WORK... not only for your own good but also for him and for the child .... Once you go out of your way and stop being a baby yourself ... I can almost guarantee you that you will see a difference for the better in your present situation ....

Hey , I feel sorry for what you are going true and me just like yourself got married to young and i havechildren and I am still married after 13 years . My life is complicated and I feel am stuck were I am in place of living the life I really want . You still in early twenties and still have your whole life ahead of you ! If you feel that same emptiness every morning and fall asleep silently frustrated and kick yourself every day for not being able to turn the clock back in time then be strong and do what's best for you ! Because now you could still do it !

Am married to the first love of my life, for fifteen years, we know each other for twenty eight years. My husband is twenty years older than me.Since we been married we never went out on a date, we stayed home all the time, the only place i know is my work place.When i get home from work my husband is sleeping.I just felt lonely most of the time

I know what you mean. Good luck :)

typical story of how two people fall in love then one or both discover that the person they married wasnt who they tought they were. so one or both try for a while but has desided that they just cant accept the other for who they are. then they demand the other change or the other commits to changing in fear of lossing who they love. then years later the one that wants change desides the change that has occured is not enough then the other finnally realizes that the person that wants change never really loved him anyway and would never just accept him for who he is. then it is really over!! and all because one person not being able to simply accept another person for who they are.

Best of luck marc m

I was 19. I married for the same reasons. I waited so long I had 3 children and turned 38-years old and thought I was going to die - so I left. My guilt told me to let the kids stay with their dad because I had to run to Boston - as far East as I could get without drowing in the ocean. <br />
<br />
It was, and in many ways still is, HELL for all of us. Yes, we all got through it. No we didn't kill ourselves - we made it - but it was so unnecessary.<br />
<br />
Granted, my husband at the time had no use for counseling despite my pleading - I wasn't a complete loser who didn't try. But I waited too long, had too many kids that were hurt in the process.<br />
<br />
All I'm saying is, if you're feeling this way get out before too many people get hurt. Especially if it's your kids. They deserve more than that. The husband will be just fine - the kids have no choice. DON'T get to the point where you're staying for their sake, just get out before they're there to begin with!

This is a sad story. Some one has lied to you and told you that love is being worshiped by some one.

lil late on this one but... 30's are totally the new 20's!! your young! get a cute apt for you and your kids near family, bank on child support, get a job- get settled- and go to school pt time while you work. thats what Im gonna do.

it remains interesting how one will admit their own insecurities, and yet, blame their partner for their unhappiness. If someone is not at peace with their self, this probably means they have an unhappy disposition. So if someone is not at peace, insecure, and unhappy what have they been giving to the people in their lives??? Especially the one (spouse,partner) with whom they share a relationship.<br />
<br />
People can not read minds. It remains an individual responsibility to communicate needs and wants. Also, to expect any relationship to remain as it was during the first year of courtship/marriage is a complete illusion. ANYONE, who has been in a longterm relationship and has the gall to state "it is as good as it was when we first met" is in real denial. A relationship that has communication, a need for understanding and a commitment to another person beside their own self indulgence should be able to claim, "it is Better then it was when we first met." <br />
<br />
Hopefully, people will one day discover it remains the years that follow those first years in a relationship,which really reveal whether or not a person knows how to love not only themself, but another human being.

I too married young, my parents had recently divorced and even though I was in my early 20's I didn't want to be alone. We have been married for almost 30 years and have two children. He's not mean or abusive, we just live together more like siblings than a married couple. We sleep in the same bed but haven't had sex in more than 10 years. I know I know, if he's not having sex with me he's having sex with someone else. I was going to leave years ago, but was told if he wasn't abusive than it was selfish to leave as the kids didn't ask to be born and they had the right to both parents. So I stayed, the kids are grown, and are living their own lives. I worry now if I leave they will both hate me and side with him. I don't think I could handle them not being in my life. So I stay.

I came across your story while exploring this group, and identify with almost every single thing. How have things been for you lately? I notice this story is a couple years old. Are you still married? Did you ever convince him to go to counseling with you? Has anything improved?

I left my wife once or twice some years back. Because of the same reasons. I married, not out of love really, but because of marrying young, and to avoid having to be at home with an abusive Dad. I left my wife and would have been maybe gone for good, but I didn't have really a place to live, nor much of a job. So had to go back to my wife. Am I stuck here?

I,too was married at 19, and my first marriage did not last although I gave it all I had. I am going to step out on a limb here and say that all I hear in what you have written is me me me and "why should I give if I don't get." You admitted you don't love him and you are just hanging on till your financial situation is better and yet you call him selfish. I am not saying this to be mean but you have a lot of self examination to do before you get into another relationship with anyone. I had a lot of growing up to do myself and I didn't find my soul mate till my early 40's. We give because we love and we want the person we love to be happy no matter what. It is called unconditional love and if you can't love like that then you are missing out. What happens when you give 150% of yourself is that with the right person you will get 200% back. Good luck to you.

I am in the same situation but its just a repeat over and over :( I have 6 kids and not degree and no job BUT im almost 40 so my life is basically over...i just sit around going through the motions daily waiting on kids to grow up and for the funeral home to have a box for me...thats my life. I have tried various types of meds thinking it was me, but seeing the situation never has changed they never help. They dont even numb the lonely.

Iisten to your heart,If you have tried on the right channels to approched him and you did the right thing and you agree to go your path`s.There will always be a connection maybe not phiscal but the bond of family,yah .Still respect him and her should do the same for you ,If you have done your utmost to prevent this from happenning ,or to give it a few times to reconciliate and work on it ,and you have done your part then you should move on ,but only if you have gave your 100%. You are now older but much wiser although that you were unhappy ,sometimes the grass is greener on the other side .Some people go from 1 unhappy marriage to another and another and never learn because they are in it for sex only than they want to try and convince them it`s love ,without find their feet or stibility or short them self out. They moved out but 1month they find that they can`t go without ' Mr ****" frst time the guy is hot in bed and thats all that matters and for a few months is nice and cosy and lovy dovy and then comes mister 'PROBLEM' If lady choose a guy and hehelps her witheverything than there`s mutual understanding she does have to asked him for assistance it should come natural as part of ,we are together in this relationship so I have to do my part,not only bring in money and get Sex in return,where`s the LOVE ...they only worry about love once the man abuse them or comes aggressive in his behaviour than they want to wake up,than the man is this or that or I never love him or I was to young.... We guys get all the bad reputations eg , we think only with our dicks or the famous saying that thing in there pants.Lady`s wake up do so SOUL searching get a real man that can cook so now and than,help you wih house cleaning,relieve you to have some free time spend quality time together ..If both parties sre working then the letter is oblivious...

I too married at 19 to a fun-loving guy whom I felt safe with. I should have known better when I had to ask him to propose. He said he just thought it was understood. He grew up farming and his family didn't show a lot of affection....it was just understood. His insecurities made him controlling over me. I was not aware of it because I was the submissive wife who did everything to please him. He became an alcoholic when our kids were about 12 and 14. I did my best to try to save him until I could not take the emotional abuse and insanity anymore. I filed for seperation (why? not divorce, I guess because I was weak and scared to live on my own and yes, probably still loved him). When he got sober in 07 he refused to go to work. He showed bitterness and disrespect to me. I wanted him to make amends to me and show some remorse before I cancelled the seperation papers. His family and friends agreed with me. My income alone was not supporting us, we used up all the savings, so one day out of desperation I told him I cancelled the papers when I really didn't and he immediately got back to work and acted like a different person. Happy, charming, enthused. He even gave me a hug. With this kind of split personality, I should have divorced him right then. But I didn't. He was angry when I told him I didn't cancel the papers, so I cancelled them because I felt like I had to not because I wanted to. I lost a lot of love and respect over the years and now I feel I am stuck in this relationship. My heart is dead, he spends most his free time in front of the tv or reading or eating. He is fat and unattractive to me. My business is in the same building that we own, so if I divorced, I would have to move my business and split the assets of everything. It would be a nightmare. We have been in marriage counseling for 3 years. Don't let them fool you, they will come up with anything to talk about to keep you coming back and paying 125.00 hour. Counseling isn't drawing us closer together, its just helping us get along. He says in counseling how he will show me more affection and spend more time with me, but it doesn't last. The fact is, you can't change him. You are young enough to move on and find happiness. If he truley loves you, he will find a way to keep you.

Life is too short to not find out who you are. Get outta there and find you in there. She's there somewhere! All the best!!

We all seem to share your thoughts and feelings with what you are going through dreamer. At that time when you did make your choice, what other options did you feel you had? As I've said in the past about situations like this is that we can't go back and second guess our decisions because they were right at the time. What we can do at this point of our lives is look at it ob<x>jectively and hope we don't make the same mistakes. I do know what you are going through because I share those feelings you have. You have to make that decision yourself, no one else can make them for you ok?<br />
As a reader and kin to you, I support what ever you decisde to do in order to improve your situation.

I too was married young. 18 I married my husband we quickly had 3 kids and now I am so miserable and do not have the means to leave. I know exactly what you are going through infinatedreamer. I have much hope for the future even though like you my 20's are almost over. There are times when you just have to let go and I have always thought that everything happens for a reason. As soon as I finish school and get a good job I will leave my husband and he knows this as well. But me and my kids will be so much happier without him around. My kids truly hate him and that makes me so sad, it is not from things I have said about him to them because I don't talk bad about my hubby in front of my kids, they have just grown to feel that way about him based on how he treats them. My point is please do not stay to satisfy the child you have but find your own bliss. It wil happen for you don't give up. I will pray for you.

hi infinitedreamer<br />
i'm going to have to yell at you a little bit,i'm afraid.well,here goes,it is so very unfair to just sort of identify guys across the board to be the same as your husband.when my beautiful wife was pregnant with either one of my two children,i did every thing i could to be as helpful as possible.i would rub her down as well as massage.i would often came home from my shop and cook dinner for both of us as well.very often,at night she would have an urge for a snack and i very dutifully got it for her.<br />
i was more than willing to do ANYTHING she needed to be done.though,of course i've no idea of how it feels,i do think i can fathom the enormacy of it all.one more point i'd like to make is the singular fact that i loved her as much then as i do now.so please don't just say offhandedly that all guys are no good,'cause there are some of us that pretty O.K..incidentally,those kids i speak of are in their 20's now.my wife and i are married 32yrs,still in love and neither one of us is walking towards the door yet.love is out there,and us guys are'nt all that crumby.be well,i hope you do <br />
o.k. the next time around.

Lady, there is one thing to think about in going ito any kind of relationship, no one is going to make you happy unless you are happy with yourself. same thing goes for your husband. If he feels that he doesn't have to woo you any more than he is mistalen. Its cruel when a spouse assumes that they have done there thing and thats it.

Hine sight is 20-20 we can't go second guessing ourselves, besides who knows if it was or wasn't meant to be, the question is, would you change the fact that you have a child now?

hi,<br />
your story is very intersting, and obviously very very touching to yourself.<br />
what i observed was that you have grown through the relationship, and you always were connected to your soul and your deepest needs, but perhaps you had a certain belief, that men r like that!<br />
there r many many men who r sensitive<br />
and i wish<br />
you meet them.<br />
<br />

NOW that you admit your marriage is not one where you feel your vows are being taken seriously ... it is time to go ...please don't wait .. for something to change ... believe me .. trust your instincts ... they don't change ... and you will never be happy .. How can you make another person happy if you are not happy yourself?? You can't.<br />
<br />
I am 61 .. .married 41 years .,.. since I was 19 and he was 20 ... Two adult children, three grandchildren .. . it still doesn't work .. then or now and never will ...<br />
<br />
As long as you have your breath .. you have life and you can have happiness.

well babe there is love out there,trust me.i'm married to the most beutiful girl in the world and that was 31yrs. ago.amazingly she still loves me.first time i saw her i fell in love with her,that moment.went back to my parents house and told my mother i'd met the girl i was gonna marry and 4yrs. later did just that.i'm still IN love her and we smile some times because we seem like such an oddity now.no one seems to stay together for more than a minute.that man you want is out there.you just have to keep your eyes open.as soon as you can get out of the situation you are in.the love you want is still out there.i hope like hell you find it.i can tell you if you find a man that loves you half as much as i do my wife you'll have found a man who'll love you the rest of your life<br />
be well, Joe

I really can relate to this, as I got married at 20. I'm 25 now, and 3 weeks ago I separated from him. My life was exactly like yours, but we didn't have children, because he was not interested. He always wanted to hang out with his friends, and eventually events led to our separation...I don't think married at a young age can work out, because it happened to me..I love him a lot and I think he does too, but we both grew into different people over the years..we grew up...And in a way, you in your heart will know if you are truly unhappy..don;t wait for te final trigger. Make sure you either seek counseling if you both love each other, otherwise do the right thing by you and your kid and find your way...be strong dear.

I don't think you've wasted your youth. You're still young and the rest of your life belongs to you. Just because you've got a child it doesn't mean that you're going to be lonely. <br />
Come on! Do something with your life!<br />
(At first - leave your husband. :) Now. Not in 2 years time!)

Communication is very important in a marriage life. At the first place may be your husband is not aware of your needs. If<br />
you share it early, your life will be more meaningful than what you've experience, Anyway, its not yet too late..

I want to get married young but I don't want that to happen to me D:

Wow, we all seem to have very similar stories. The only thing I am missing is the child. It's good to know we aren't alone. And I have learned that you can talk to you're blue in the face, he can nod, agree and mimic back what you say, but for me that isn't the listening I need, I want. My husband is a "Perfect" listener. He just isn't a doer. He hears but doesn't have any follow through. So all of thoes people who love giving advice on listening skills in marriage, we don't need any of that advice at all. It's the follow through the I'm so sorry, I will change and he does, not for a day or two, but forever. When I said I'm leaving he made leaps and bounds I felt the guilt like you do of leaving, but then it all came to a hault, he went back to 90% of his old ways, he still puts in some effort, but I can see he lost interest his heart isn't in it any more. <br />
Read my blog to learn more: http://wifetellsall.blogspot.com/

Dont be so hard on yourself. I know I was a mess and very insecure when I was in my twenties too. Live and learn.

waoo your story sound just like my i married when i was 18 my husband was 21 now i have a 2 yearl old and i'm pregnant but my married over all we have a comun is the baby. i'm still insecure and in love but he dont love me anymore.

You have plenty of input so far so I won't add too much. Suffice to say that people RARELY change completely. Insensitive people remain insensitive, compassionate people remain compassionate. An insensitive person rarely learns to become compassionate or empathetic. They can sometimes have an empathetic moment...but overall their true colors will always surface under the stress of daily life.<br />
<br />
It's nice that he acknowledges his shortcomings...but it's an entirely different thing to change them. Without professional counseling, all of his talk will remain just that: TALK. If he's truly interested in remaining with you, suggest relationship counseling. If he fights it, keep trying. If he refuses to go, that's yet another example of why it won't work between you. A man truly interested in saving his relationship and...who is told he has his back to the wall...will do anything to save it IF he truly wants it to continue. Let that be your "acid test" of whether it's worth a last try.<br />
<br />
And NO, I'm not a counselor nor a fan of counselors. But I did go to one once to try and save a previous relationship. It was enlightening and helpful. It actually made me understand and deal with the breakup even better than I would have, had we not at least tried.<br />
<br />
Good luck with yours.

I would like to share my thoughts but not here in public. I have added you to my circle if you care to talk in private girl to girl.<br />
<br />

Hi, i read your story and it feels very familiar. I never had to go through what you went through, but have a few friends who had a similar experience. But it is very common that people do not live their lives to the full and feel unhappy and miserable because of it! I am probably one of them: things unsaid or things ignored, because of fear or don;t even know because of what. I felt inspired by your note because of its end. IT IS up to you! Go ahead and do it, but be careful, think everything through first and do not give up. xx

Good story.

You're honest enough with each other that you feel it may be time to move on, away from each other.<br />
<br />
You've tried to tell him what you need, you're encouraging him to go with you to counselling.<br />
<br />
As far as I can tell you've done everything that you can to make the relationship work. When you get the chance to be on your own again, I hope things improve for all involved.

I have your your painful story as well as the many comments here...From what you have said about your husband, he is not willing to do things to make the relationship better..He refuses to attend couples counseling with you..He gives you lip service and plays on your vulnerabilities to get you to weaken your resolve, your intuition, your inner voice, that tells you what to do...That is not good...Ive been a mental health therapist for over 20 years...Ive heard many stories very similar to yours...You cannot force your husband to be something hes not...It sounds like you have outgrown him and hes not willing or able to grow up along beside you as a couple..Thats common when couples marry as teenagers, espeically when its the woman whos the teen...Its impossible to assume that you will be the person at age 25 or 30 or 40 that you were at 19...Its unfair of anyone to pressure you to not grow and stay a teenager mentally when you are rounding your 30s...That is unhealthy and based on insecurities and fear.....Your child is learning those things from you and will probably repeat them with his own relationships unless you show him there is another way of being, of living...Not merely existing and suffering in silence...Children pick up on all of your feelings, theres no faking it with them.<br />
Somewhere out there, a single man that doesnt have the insecurity and immaturity that your husband does is hungering for a woman like you.....Getting him to love and respect you is a given and non issue because hes been shown that as a child by his parents...You deserve that and nothing less...So does your wonderful child...Dont be afraid to be yourself and get what you need and want for yourself, you only have only life to live and one example to give to your child....Pursuing that is very attractive to alot of healthy, secure and mature men, some of whom are probably watching you with some longing...I recently became engaged for the first time at age 47...I never gave up hope that there was someone out there who was perfect for me...The same can happen for you, as long as you stay true to yourself and listen to that inner voice that may contradict what others are telling you to do....Find that inner voice in the context of supportive people who dont judge you: certain family members, friends, groups, coworkers, people from church...Reject those who make you feel guilty or exhausted or "less than"..They dont have your best interests at heart and are operating out of fear...Stay away from those....Give yourself a timeline in which to make a decision on this and dont linger beyound that...You should not put your life on hold because your husband cant get it together and amke up his mind about what he will/can do...You are not responsible for his anger, sadeness, feelinsgs or shortcomings so dont take that on, let him OWN all of those....Whatever your choice is, the the important thing is that you are 100% comfortable with it feels true, and right and authentic to you...

There are very few persons in this ugly world who value relationships. You don't know what do you have until its gone. He beg you to come back just because he wanted . When you were there, he never gave you love what you were looking for. <br />
<br />
Everyone is selfish as you have decided to let him go in next years but I bet you if around that time he changed 20% of what you want him to be, you will never leave him. Inside you always love him dear<br />
<br />
Best of luck for your future!

I am in the same boat. But I'm 40. We have 3 kids.14,10,and 4. My situation is a little different because I was very insecure and lonely in the beginning.<br />
I did something regrettable. I am paying the price. He talks to me with venom in every word. I am staying because of the kids and I can not get a decent job for 4 people. Mind you I don't have a college education either. He never asked to do anything personal for me through any of my pregnancies. Emotionally I am a wreck.

"...turned into that typical guy?" WTF? You know not of what you speak, so back off sister, quit generalizing.

Hooray for you in having come to this decision before you have wasted your entire life (like me), before you become one of the "useless" senior citizens, before you have to face your mortality. Yes, I have a story, too, but that is for another time and, perhaps, another place. May you find the peace and joy that only our LORD and SAVIOR can provide before it's too late. I will pray for you to find a way that you will be able to provide for you and your child sooner. I will also pray for your husband who may not even know how to express his love for you because he's never been taught......Loving God and feeling His love is an experience that taught me. <br />
Thank you for sharing your story and for giving this opportunity to share a little of mine with you. God bless you.

Hmmm.....I know several happily married couples but alas maybe that is not the norm. I do know one thing though....several times you said that he changed. People for the most part don't really change. They just pretend to be something they are not for a while in order to get something they want. Of course they can't sustain the charade and that's why things appear to change. The signs are always there; we just choose to ignore them.

I too was married very young,18 years old! But I was dumb enough to think that I was mature enough to do so. My parents were very strict, I was not allowed to date or go to parties. I saw my ex-husband as an escape from very over bearing parents. But I also thought I was very much in love. It took me two daughters, alot of soul searching, and a lot of maturity to leave him. It lasted about 22 years because i refused to give up and I was worried about the close knit society I lived in. I was more worried what they were going to say about me than I was worried about what kind of a marriage model I was giving my daughters. I finally got it and it was still hard because he cried and said he woud change (for the 100th time). Yes it was a long road but I have never felt better in my life. I lived on my own for 8 years before I remarried a wonderful man of which I love and adore! (Not to say that we have not had our moments!) We have been married for five years and still going strong. The eight years that I was single was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned so much about myself, and was able to go into the next relationship knowing myself. In the end I think that is what iot is all about. If we all knew who we were we would be able to find better life partners. When you have an inner peace all else seem to fall into place!

Mitchand Maureen - I've thought about that a lot. I don't know a single happily married couple. I don't think humans were meant to be monagomous (sp?).

Well I can truly relate to what alot what your saying here . I met my husband early in my life as well but , and am wondering now if I expected to much from marriage it self . Now the other person I am with is so involved in there own world and thats about it . Now at this time I just keep doing what I do and he does what he does . We live like 2 room mates that have to be with each other . I can`t even imagin doing this much longer . The truth is that you only live once and thats it . I think if you can go get help and your partner is willing to go, and see what the problem / problems are then I say go . Get the help you need . I wish any one trying to get this help much success and happiness . Oh and a happier New Year ..2009 hope everyone has a good one no I mean a great one . ;)

Eric and Sage said it all... I too was married young..and yes I was thinking that getting married was a way out from my family or a feeling trying to seek what was missing during childhood. Nevertheless there were good times with my ex..and they will remain good memories too.<br />
<br />
Infinitedream, I am sure you have thought bout this 'leaving' over and over again...Even each time trying to leave...he become a little bit better compare to before and you stayed..Again, you planned to leave and again he will somehow be nice in a way that makes you stayed for this 10 years. =) <br />
<br />
Your boy will understand better when the time is right for him.. Mummy and Daddy will always love him regardless how far they are separated. It would be better for him to see a happier you and daddy then being stucked in btwen two persons who are trying hard to keep a good parents image in front of him all the time. Kids..they do feel it somehow.. <br />
<br />
I have a girl too and she is 11.. When my marriage hit the rocks.. I did think bout her too..and today...she is more understanding. Infact she said she is glad mummy and happy ..so is daddy now. My ex and I still talks to each other when it comes to issue of our little one. Apart from that is just 'you go on your way..and I will lead my own life' kinda thing.<br />
<br />
You will even feel that your own soul returning once you take the first step to leave this marriage.. but if you don't..then maybe you need bit more time to take that little step for a start. Good luck to you ...and dont' forget to keep loving yourself cos if you dont...nobody would. =)<br />
<br />
Take care toughie..and we at EP will be here for you anytime... <br />
<br />

Hi dreamer. <br />
I just want to say that I understand you and what you are going through. I think you are very smart for not just leaving him right now and putting you and your child into a situation that might me much worse. <br />
You are a person of worth, and you deserve to be loved and to be happy. Bide your time and keep learning and advancing, do all that you can to secure your future and that of your little one.<br />
I admire your strength and courage, and I wish you all that you need to become an even bigger success than you are now. <br />
<br />
Don't give up.<br />
<br />

Hi dreamer. <br />
I just want to say that I understand you and what you are going through. I think you are very smart for not just leaving him right now and putting you and your child into a situation that might me much worse. <br />
You are a person of worth, and you deserve to be loved and to be happy. Bide your time and keep learning and advancing, do all that you can to secure your future and that of your little one.<br />
I admire your strength and courage, and I wish you all that you need to become an even bigger success than you are now. <br />
<br />
Don't give up.<br />
<br />

Your comment really touched me cchier. I am glad you offered me the husband's perspective. I believe that my husband loves me, I truly think he does. But he has such difficulty showing it. And I feel such a lonliness from lack of affection. But the more I think about it, is that a good enough reason to end a marriage and to break a family? I don't think it is. I am hoping he will go to counseling with me. So far he says no, but I am continuing to encouraging him. I hope we can learn to love each other in the ways we need. But if we can't come together in the next 2 years, I will have to seriously consider what is best for us and for our child.

Dreamer, it could be exciting for you to grow inside on your own. Maybe there is healing you need to do for yourself and then you will find that you don't feel so unloved by your husband. Maybe there are things about you that make him go onto depression because he doesnt kniw how/isnt able to meet those needs for you
But maybe if you listen to yourself and express yourself here on EP you will find that your needs will actually evolve and change and you'll be a stronger person inside. Also, a lot if times the person has the same need for understanding and growth, and not knowing or understanding their needs they seem insensitive or rude to us when theyre actually having the same kind of difficulty we are but in a different way.
But when you get a little health in yourself over sone things, you feel more compassion for the other person and the needs they might have as well.

I have been thru a similiar situation. I lost my wife because i let us drift apart. She worked all day, i worked all night and raised our two children during the day. It got to the point that we never talked at all. She was becoming just a woman sleeping in my bed instead of my wife. Our communication became notes left for me each night telling me how wrong i had done everything that day. I got so tired of her mental abuse that when she told me not to come home, i didnt. I loved this woman with all of my heart, but i couldnt keep her happy with me. My life has been so empty without her, and i would do anything to have her look at me the way she used to. It has been six years since the divorce and i am trying to piece together things in the hopes of one day being happy again. I am 32 now and every relationship i have been in since ends the same. I will always compare my girlfriends to my x wife. No matter how much a woman loves me, in the end i push her away because i couldnt bear loving someone and losing them like my i did my wife. I accept that my fate is to be alone and i am adjusting to it, but i just wish things could have been different. I would do anything to have her back. I get to see my children on my visitation days and they are my everything. All the pain in my heart is worth it when my little girl says ' I love you daddy', or my son comes home and tells me he did really well on a test at school. Dont give up on him, your husband is going to realize how important you are to him, i just hope that it isnt too late. If we would have gone to councelling, maybe things would have ended differently. Dont look back at your 20's and think of them as loveless. You have the love of your children, and there is no greater love than that. Good luck to you and i hope that your situation ends with more happiness than mine did. Try councilling, it couldnt hurt.

This kind of heartbreak would not happen if women married women and men married men. Those who want to marry across the gender barrier must first understand and accept that men and women are different. Men are insensitive brutes and women are manipulative messy creatures. Anyone who cannot see this had better not have anything to do with them in the first place. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting smart.

dysfunction is often generational... where did your husband learn his skills? Is he happy with the skills he has learnt? If 'marriage' was his fav. (football ) game he played as a kid (loves to watch), woudln't he expect a coach to come along and tell him what sikills he needs to work on? Your hubby did have these skill in the beginning, so what happened? what is being (younger pain) triggered? You are a smart woman and must realize that for your son's sake it would be good if your hubby could figure this out. Both of you could go to a coach (relationship counsellor) if you have not already. My kids are now in their late 20s and i get to see the 'stuff' they are working through (attract) that their parents did not. Good Luck.

This was my pattern too, though thankfully I never had a child. Married young to a great guy who changed completely. I didn't grow up and leave till I was 35.<br />
I feel for you. Its a bad way to live.<br />
Now I'll give you some cold advice: talk to a lawyer! If your ex is paying half the child support, you can probably afford to leave. Maybe even get support for you, but you're entitled to half your money and property. Don't feel so guilty that you refuse to take what's yours. My lawyer was smarter than me and protected my interests.

Alas we all get caught up in the day to day but forget who we really are and what we need as a per son to live and grow. Hopefully you have learned you can not base your life on someone elses needs.<br />
Good luck.

Time wasted....<br />
How about your child?<br />
So your 20s are almost gone.<br />
I swear you, the 40s will be the best times of your life.<br />
You have a Job, but you can't support yourself, think about the persons that don't have a job.<br />
Probably you can't aford to sustain the same level of life you are enjoying now.<br />
But I'm sure you will survive , If you want.<br />
So; just try to enjoy the best part of your present situation.<br />
But remember, IT WAS YOUR CHOICE.<br />
Probably I understand your situation, I kept my mariage in the same conditions for 38 years, however I have no regrets, I took the best of it and love my three kids and adorable daughter.<br />
I'm divorced now and having the best time of my life.<br />
Good luck.

My story is about like yours, only I had 2 girls to think of. I managed to stay another ten years, AFTER I realized it was over, but THAT was a mistake!! "AntiPortal" is RIGHT. You don't want your son to be like that and if you stay around him, he will be. How do I know? Well both my girls are just like their father. They blame ME for everything, even though THEY told me that it was time to divorce him! <br />
I, then, made the mistake of getting married again, but the relationship is like what you have described. <br />
You have to find out who YOU are and move forward. THAT is where I am now.<br />
Good luck in your venture...you WILL make it!! <br />
Winterborn said it better than I could!!!

Hi Michaluv, Great advice. May I ask what steps you took to find yourself please?

Gosh, I can't believe how we marry and the vows that they promise to the almighty mean nothing. Why even say vows! It's always about the flesh. We are so screwed up.

Stop being so archaic...

It wasn't time wasted if you have learned something fromit. It means you can do it better the next time. You can't get the time back that you have lost but you can certainly do some of the stuff you have always wanted to do but couldn't.

gotta get back yo you! needing to learn!

Your story mirrors mine in a lot of ways except I wasn't that young! I knew I was making a mistake but wrote it down to pre wedding nerves. That was 12 years ago and each time I tried to leave, OH managed to talk me out of it until one day I lost all strength and just gave in and settled. He's not a bad person after all. Now like you, I'm well aware I'm unhappy, but haven't the strength or courage to walk away. In my case I don't have family and friends in this country so I'd be completely alone.

You're a smart woman. You know what you should do. A child watching a dysfunctional relationship as he grows up will mimic it in his own relationships. Is that what you want for your child?<br />
<br />
Over half the population can be classified as sociopaths to some degree or other. They are peppered with narcisism too. The terms "sociopath" and "psychopath" describe pretty much the same personality disorder—people who feel no emotional connections to others and have little regard for the rules and regulations of society. The Casseopians call them Portals.<br />
<br />
They are not necessarily criminals, they just don't FEEL what they say and don't understand your feelings. What they say is just words, because they understand what has to be said to get certain things. But they cannot feel, eg: they cry because they know it presses certain buttons in you.<br />
<br />
I began to understand petty quickly what I had endured when I went onto the LoveFraud and Psychforums webpages. It was great to know I am not alone in this experience and I am now WIDE AWAKE and hopefully better educated on what not to date. <br />
<br />
These experiences with sociopaths over the years have changed who I am. I now know the most obvious warning signs and what to avoid in the future. I hope you take the time to read up and see if you also identify your hard times with these personality types.

thanks for that

Your story sounds all to familiar enigma, way too familiar.<br />
<br />
I have to agree with sage's sound advice and get your self to a place where you do not repeat your past mistakes, for that is only when a mistake becomes an issue.<br />
I think you have to be in a place where you can not only walk away (if that is what you decide to do) knowing you have done what you can, but you have to be able to not harbour any ill feeling towards your husband or you will carry that into your future.<br />
<br />
Your son needs capable role models, which your current situation (from the info you have written) doesn't seem to provide for him.<br />
<br />
I wish you the best of luck, and ask that you don't let too many years slip by before you find happiness, time goes way too quickly when you are stuck in a relationship that if not fulfilling. And trust that you wil make the best decision for yourself and your son at the time, that is all you can do.<br />
<br />
namaste<br />

Thanks so much Sage... if it comes to me leaving him, I certainly will take time to myself. I can't even imagine being with anyone else at this point, and I don't want to. I dream of just being on my own with my little boy. I wouldn't have it any other way. But I wouldn't leave without careful consideration and thoughts for my son's future. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, they are most welcomed :)