Time Wasted
Posted September 10th, 2008 at 5:00PM
I married way too young, at the age of 19. I was an insecure, scared child at the time, and all I knew was that I loved this fun-loving guy and I was comfortable and safe with him. So when he proposed, I said yes, even though I knew I wasn't ready. I didn't want to hurt him, and I couldn't bare the thought of being without him.
The love I felt for him began to fade just one year into our marriage. But I was still too insecure and afraid to tell him. So several years went by with me being completely miserable and depressed. We both grew into different people. He was no longer the fun-loving guy I fell in love with. He became a typical guy that likes to stay home watching football rather than taking his girl out. I was still young and I wanted to go out and have fun. I went out every weekend with my girlfriends instead of with him. We rarely shared those late-into-the-night, soul-connecting conversations anymore. A vastness grew between us. We became roommates instead of soulmates.
Then it came to a point when I decided to leave him. That was the most liberating thing I'd ever done. But it crushed me to see how much it hurt him. He begged me to come back. He told me he could be the man I fell in love with, that he could meet my emotional needs, that he could be my soulmate again. And like a fool, I believed him. I went back to him.
And not soon after I got the shock of my life. We hadn't been planning, nor had we wanted, children. But somehow, even with birth control, I wound up pregnant. Interestingly, this made our relationship much better. It seemed to bridge the gap between us. We now had something in common - our child.
But that feeling did not last. Towards the end of my pregnancy, he turned back into that typical guy again. And what I mean by that is: insensitive, selfish, obliviant. He rarely ever seemed to really care about me. I never got one massage throughout my whole pregnancy. And he was never interested in touching my tummy to feel the baby move, or to put his ear to my stomach to hear the heartbeat. No romance, no sweetness, no nothing. He seemed to only care about work, football, and golf. So, we were back to being roommates again.
But I couldn't leave him then. I had a child to think of. I didn't yet have my degrees or a good paying job. I was still in school. I needed him financially.
That was about four years ago. Now, things are pretty much the same. I have graduated and I have a job, but it's not enough to support my child and I on our own, not yet at least. I might be financially set in 2 years, so my plan is to hang on that long and then let him go.
I've wasted so much of my young life. I feel so sad that my 20s are almost gone, and it's been almost entirely loveless. But, it was all my fault. I shouldn't have been so insecure in the first place. If only I'd told him in the beginning how I truly felt, this never would have happened. And now it's up to me to change it.
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I recently shared a story about "treating her right". Reading your story makes me sad for a few reasons. I feel for you, and for your husband. At the same time I know that men (not all) have a tendency to think that a woman is their given right and that she will never leave. My wife left but I can at least know she loved me for a long time and it was my own actions and awful decisions that forced her to leave, so I can not be the victim. In your case, and for his sake do not just drop this bombshell on him. Brace him for the impact of you leaving for good. And, just for good measure both of yu should search your hearts to see if anything can be saved. I do not know you or your husband but I will leave you with this: if you care enough not to break his heart than you probably should not, and if he does not give you what you need to love or care for him at least tell him what it is or was.
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Thanks for your comment, Eric. It won't be a bombshell if I leave him. We have had heart to heart conversations about everything I wrote about. He knows that he is insensitive and he has confessed that he just doesn't know how to be more attentive. I've told him in black and white how to do it, but he still doesn't follow through. He is just as unhappy as I am, and he has told me that he doesn't foresee us lasting forever. It's sad because when I tell him exactly what I need in plain english and he doesn't do it, it disappoints me even more and then I don't want to give him what he needs. I feel like, why should I give when I don't receive? I've already given him almost 10 years of my life. I don't think I can give much more without something in return.
I'm sorry that your wife left you for similar reasons. I know it must be extremely difficult to live with the guilt you must feel. But, now you realize what it takes and if you learn from it, you have the capacity to make another woman very happy. Most women are not difficult to please. Generally, all we want is to feel we're loved and needed. That's all. -
for being so young, you are so right. -
I can only tell you that I relate to your story on so many levels: I too was married young, not as young as you, but immature maybe is a better word. I was 23 and just had our baby girl when my ex husband and I got married. The marriage last a total of 4 years, during which time I left him twice. The first time I cheated on him twice (I'm being perfectly honest but this is an anonymous site right) and the second time I cheated on him with my current husband, and this marriage is also on the rocks- big time- as we are currently about a month into a separation.
It is VERY true that we pick our partners to satisfy a need that we have missed out on in childhood, and I caution you to do some work on yourself before you make any decisions regarding your current situation. Alteast, take some time to yourself before going into a new relationship, or like me, 10 years from now you WILL regret it. You need to learn who you are and why you ARE who you are in order to have a good marriage. I am learning that only now.
Good luck, and God Bless. I am thinking of you.
...sage -
Thanks so much Sage... if it comes to me leaving him, I certainly will take time to myself. I can't even imagine being with anyone else at this point, and I don't want to. I dream of just being on my own with my little boy. I wouldn't have it any other way. But I wouldn't leave without careful consideration and thoughts for my son's future. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, they are most welcomed :)
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Your story sounds all to familiar enigma, way too familiar.
I have to agree with sage's sound advice and get your self to a place where you do not repeat your past mistakes, for that is only when a mistake becomes an issue.
I think you have to be in a place where you can not only walk away (if that is what you decide to do) knowing you have done what you can, but you have to be able to not harbour any ill feeling towards your husband or you will carry that into your future.
Your son needs capable role models, which your current situation (from the info you have written) doesn't seem to provide for him.
I wish you the best of luck, and ask that you don't let too many years slip by before you find happiness, time goes way too quickly when you are stuck in a relationship that if not fulfilling. And trust that you wil make the best decision for yourself and your son at the time, that is all you can do.
namaste
Peter -
You're a smart woman. You know what you should do. A child watching a dysfunctional relationship as he grows up will mimic it in his own relationships. Is that what you want for your child?
Over half the population can be classified as sociopaths to some degree or other. They are peppered with narcisism too. The terms "sociopath" and "psychopath" describe pretty much the same personality disorder—people who feel no emotional connections to others and have little regard for the rules and regulations of society. The Casseopians call them Portals.
They are not necessarily criminals, they just don't FEEL what they say and don't understand your feelings. What they say is just words, because they understand what has to be said to get certain things. But they cannot feel, eg: they cry because they know it presses certain buttons in you.
I began to understand petty quickly what I had endured when I went onto the LoveFraud and Psychforums webpages. It was great to know I am not alone in this experience and I am now WIDE AWAKE and hopefully better educated on what not to date.
These experiences with sociopaths over the years have changed who I am. I now know the most obvious warning signs and what to avoid in the future. I hope you take the time to read up and see if you also identify your hard times with these personality types. -
thanks for that
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Your story mirrors mine in a lot of ways except I wasn't that young! I knew I was making a mistake but wrote it down to pre wedding nerves. That was 12 years ago and each time I tried to leave, OH managed to talk me out of it until one day I lost all strength and just gave in and settled. He's not a bad person after all. Now like you, I'm well aware I'm unhappy, but haven't the strength or courage to walk away. In my case I don't have family and friends in this country so I'd be completely alone.
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It wasn't time wasted if you have learned something fromit. It means you can do it better the next time. You can't get the time back that you have lost but you can certainly do some of the stuff you have always wanted to do but couldn't.
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gotta get back yo you! needing to learn!
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Gosh, I can't believe how we marry and the vows that they promise to the almighty mean nothing. Why even say vows! It's always about the flesh. We are so screwed up.
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Stop being so archaic... -
My story is about like yours, only I had 2 girls to think of. I managed to stay another ten years, AFTER I realized it was over, but THAT was a mistake!! "AntiPortal" is RIGHT. You don't want your son to be like that and if you stay around him, he will be. How do I know? Well both my girls are just like their father. They blame ME for everything, even though THEY told me that it was time to divorce him!
I, then, made the mistake of getting married again, but the relationship is like what you have described.
You have to find out who YOU are and move forward. THAT is where I am now.
Good luck in your venture...you WILL make it!!
Winterborn said it better than I could!!! -
Hi Michaluv, Great advice. May I ask what steps you took to find yourself please? -
Time wasted....
How about your child?
So your 20s are almost gone.
I swear you, the 40s will be the best times of your life.
You have a Job, but you can't support yourself, think about the persons that don't have a job.
Probably you can't aford to sustain the same level of life you are enjoying now.
But I'm sure you will survive , If you want.
So; just try to enjoy the best part of your present situation.
But remember, IT WAS YOUR CHOICE.
Probably I understand your situation, I kept my mariage in the same conditions for 38 years, however I have no regrets, I took the best of it and love my three kids and adorable daughter.
I'm divorced now and having the best time of my life.
Good luck. -
Alas we all get caught up in the day to day but forget who we really are and what we need as a per son to live and grow. Hopefully you have learned you can not base your life on someone elses needs.
Good luck. -
This was my pattern too, though thankfully I never had a child. Married young to a great guy who changed completely. I didn't grow up and leave till I was 35.
I feel for you. Its a bad way to live.
Now I'll give you some cold advice: talk to a lawyer! If your ex is paying half the child support, you can probably afford to leave. Maybe even get support for you, but you're entitled to half your money and property. Don't feel so guilty that you refuse to take what's yours. My lawyer was smarter than me and protected my interests. -
dysfunction is often generational... where did your husband learn his skills? Is he happy with the skills he has learnt? If 'marriage' was his fav. (football ) game he played as a kid (loves to watch), woudln't he expect a coach to come along and tell him what sikills he needs to work on? Your hubby did have these skill in the beginning, so what happened? what is being (younger pain) triggered? You are a smart woman and must realize that for your son's sake it would be good if your hubby could figure this out. Both of you could go to a coach (relationship counsellor) if you have not already. My kids are now in their late 20s and i get to see the 'stuff' they are working through (attract) that their parents did not. Good Luck.
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This kind of heartbreak would not happen if women married women and men married men. Those who want to marry across the gender barrier must first understand and accept that men and women are different. Men are insensitive brutes and women are manipulative messy creatures. Anyone who cannot see this had better not have anything to do with them in the first place. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting smart.
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I have been thru a similiar situation. I lost my wife because i let us drift apart. She worked all day, i worked all night and raised our two children during the day. It got to the point that we never talked at all. She was becoming just a woman sleeping in my bed instead of my wife. Our communication became notes left for me each night telling me how wrong i had done everything that day. I got so tired of her mental abuse that when she told me not to come home, i didnt. I loved this woman with all of my heart, but i couldnt keep her happy with me. My life has been so empty without her, and i would do anything to have her look at me the way she used to. It has been six years since the divorce and i am trying to piece together things in the hopes of one day being happy again. I am 32 now and every relationship i have been in since ends the same. I will always compare my girlfriends to my x wife. No matter how much a woman loves me, in the end i push her away because i couldnt bear loving someone and losing them like my i did my wife. I accept that my fate is to be alone and i am adjusting to it, but i just wish things could have been different. I would do anything to have her back. I get to see my children on my visitation days and they are my everything. All the pain in my heart is worth it when my little girl says ' I love you daddy', or my son comes home and tells me he did really well on a test at school. Dont give up on him, your husband is going to realize how important you are to him, i just hope that it isnt too late. If we would have gone to councelling, maybe things would have ended differently. Dont look back at your 20's and think of them as loveless. You have the love of your children, and there is no greater love than that. Good luck to you and i hope that your situation ends with more happiness than mine did. Try councilling, it couldnt hurt.
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Your comment really touched me cchier. I am glad you offered me the husband's perspective. I believe that my husband loves me, I truly think he does. But he has such difficulty showing it. And I feel such a lonliness from lack of affection. But the more I think about it, is that a good enough reason to end a marriage and to break a family? I don't think it is. I am hoping he will go to counseling with me. So far he says no, but I am continuing to encouraging him. I hope we can learn to love each other in the ways we need. But if we can't come together in the next 2 years, I will have to seriously consider what is best for us and for our child.
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Dreamer, it could be exciting for you to grow inside on your own. Maybe there is healing you need to do for yourself and then you will find that you don't feel so unloved by your husband. Maybe there are things about you that make him go onto depression because he doesnt kniw how/isnt able to meet those needs for you But maybe if you listen to yourself and express yourself here on EP you will find that your needs will actually evolve and change and you'll be a stronger person inside. Also, a lot if times the person has the same need for understanding and growth, and not knowing or understanding their needs they seem insensitive or rude to us when theyre actually having the same kind of difficulty we are but in a different way. But when you get a little health in yourself over sone things, you feel more compassion for the other person and the needs they might have as well.
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Hi dreamer.
I just want to say that I understand you and what you are going through. I think you are very smart for not just leaving him right now and putting you and your child into a situation that might me much worse.
You are a person of worth, and you deserve to be loved and to be happy. Bide your time and keep learning and advancing, do all that you can to secure your future and that of your little one.
I admire your strength and courage, and I wish you all that you need to become an even bigger success than you are now.
Don't give up.
Victoria -
Hi dreamer.
I just want to say that I understand you and what you are going through. I think you are very smart for not just leaving him right now and putting you and your child into a situation that might me much worse.
You are a person of worth, and you deserve to be loved and to be happy. Bide your time and keep learning and advancing, do all that you can to secure your future and that of your little one.
I admire your strength and courage, and I wish you all that you need to become an even bigger success than you are now.
Don't give up.
Victoria -
Eric and Sage said it all... I too was married young..and yes I was thinking that getting married was a way out from my family or a feeling trying to seek what was missing during childhood. Nevertheless there were good times with my ex..and they will remain good memories too.
Infinitedream, I am sure you have thought bout this 'leaving' over and over again...Even each time trying to leave...he become a little bit better compare to before and you stayed..Again, you planned to leave and again he will somehow be nice in a way that makes you stayed for this 10 years. =)
Your boy will understand better when the time is right for him.. Mummy and Daddy will always love him regardless how far they are separated. It would be better for him to see a happier you and daddy then being stucked in btwen two persons who are trying hard to keep a good parents image in front of him all the time. Kids..they do feel it somehow..
I have a girl too and she is 11.. When my marriage hit the rocks.. I did think bout her too..and today...she is more understanding. Infact she said she is glad mummy and happy ..so is daddy now. My ex and I still talks to each other when it comes to issue of our little one. Apart from that is just 'you go on your way..and I will lead my own life' kinda thing.
You will even feel that your own soul returning once you take the first step to leave this marriage.. but if you don't..then maybe you need bit more time to take that little step for a start. Good luck to you ...and dont' forget to keep loving yourself cos if you dont...nobody would. =)
Take care toughie..and we at EP will be here for you anytime...
Eternal -
Well I can truly relate to what alot what your saying here . I met my husband early in my life as well but , and am wondering now if I expected to much from marriage it self . Now the other person I am with is so involved in there own world and thats about it . Now at this time I just keep doing what I do and he does what he does . We live like 2 room mates that have to be with each other . I can`t even imagin doing this much longer . The truth is that you only live once and thats it . I think if you can go get help and your partner is willing to go, and see what the problem / problems are then I say go . Get the help you need . I wish any one trying to get this help much success and happiness . Oh and a happier New Year ..2009 hope everyone has a good one no I mean a great one . ;)
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Mitchand Maureen - I've thought about that a lot. I don't know a single happily married couple. I don't think humans were meant to be monagomous (sp?).
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I too was married very young,18 years old! But I was dumb enough to think that I was mature enough to do so. My parents were very strict, I was not allowed to date or go to parties. I saw my ex-husband as an escape from very over bearing parents. But I also thought I was very much in love. It took me two daughters, alot of soul searching, and a lot of maturity to leave him. It lasted about 22 years because i refused to give up and I was worried about the close knit society I lived in. I was more worried what they were going to say about me than I was worried about what kind of a marriage model I was giving my daughters. I finally got it and it was still hard because he cried and said he woud change (for the 100th time). Yes it was a long road but I have never felt better in my life. I lived on my own for 8 years before I remarried a wonderful man of which I love and adore! (Not to say that we have not had our moments!) We have been married for five years and still going strong. The eight years that I was single was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned so much about myself, and was able to go into the next relationship knowing myself. In the end I think that is what iot is all about. If we all knew who we were we would be able to find better life partners. When you have an inner peace all else seem to fall into place!
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Hmmm.....I know several happily married couples but alas maybe that is not the norm. I do know one thing though....several times you said that he changed. People for the most part don't really change. They just pretend to be something they are not for a while in order to get something they want. Of course they can't sustain the charade and that's why things appear to change. The signs are always there; we just choose to ignore them.
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Hooray for you in having come to this decision before you have wasted your entire life (like me), before you become one of the "useless" senior citizens, before you have to face your mortality. Yes, I have a story, too, but that is for another time and, perhaps, another place. May you find the peace and joy that only our LORD and SAVIOR can provide before it's too late. I will pray for you to find a way that you will be able to provide for you and your child sooner. I will also pray for your husband who may not even know how to express his love for you because he's never been taught......Loving God and feeling His love is an experience that taught me.
Thank you for sharing your story and for giving this opportunity to share a little of mine with you. God bless you. -
"...turned into that typical guy?" WTF? You know not of what you speak, so back off sister, quit generalizing.
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I am in the same boat. But I'm 40. We have 3 kids.14,10,and 4. My situation is a little different because I was very insecure and lonely in the beginning.
I did something regrettable. I am paying the price. He talks to me with venom in every word. I am staying because of the kids and I can not get a decent job for 4 people. Mind you I don't have a college education either. He never asked to do anything personal for me through any of my pregnancies. Emotionally I am a wreck. -
There are very few persons in this ugly world who value relationships. You don't know what do you have until its gone. He beg you to come back just because he wanted . When you were there, he never gave you love what you were looking for.
Everyone is selfish as you have decided to let him go in next years but I bet you if around that time he changed 20% of what you want him to be, you will never leave him. Inside you always love him dear
Best of luck for your future! -
I have your your painful story as well as the many comments here...From what you have said about your husband, he is not willing to do things to make the relationship better..He refuses to attend couples counseling with you..He gives you lip service and plays on your vulnerabilities to get you to weaken your resolve, your intuition, your inner voice, that tells you what to do...That is not good...Ive been a mental health therapist for over 20 years...Ive heard many stories very similar to yours...You cannot force your husband to be something hes not...It sounds like you have outgrown him and hes not willing or able to grow up along beside you as a couple..Thats common when couples marry as teenagers, espeically when its the woman whos the teen...Its impossible to assume that you will be the person at age 25 or 30 or 40 that you were at 19...Its unfair of anyone to pressure you to not grow and stay a teenager mentally when you are rounding your 30s...That is unhealthy and based on insecurities and fear.....Your child is learning those things from you and will probably repeat them with his own relationships unless you show him there is another way of being, of living...Not merely existing and suffering in silence...Children pick up on all of your feelings, theres no faking it with them.
Somewhere out there, a single man that doesnt have the insecurity and immaturity that your husband does is hungering for a woman like you.....Getting him to love and respect you is a given and non issue because hes been shown that as a child by his parents...You deserve that and nothing less...So does your wonderful child...Dont be afraid to be yourself and get what you need and want for yourself, you only have only life to live and one example to give to your child....Pursuing that is very attractive to alot of healthy, secure and mature men, some of whom are probably watching you with some longing...I recently became engaged for the first time at age 47...I never gave up hope that there was someone out there who was perfect for me...The same can happen for you, as long as you stay true to yourself and listen to that inner voice that may contradict what others are telling you to do....Find that inner voice in the context of supportive people who dont judge you: certain family members, friends, groups, coworkers, people from church...Reject those who make you feel guilty or exhausted or "less than"..They dont have your best interests at heart and are operating out of fear...Stay away from those....Give yourself a timeline in which to make a decision on this and dont linger beyound that...You should not put your life on hold because your husband cant get it together and amke up his mind about what he will/can do...You are not responsible for his anger, sadeness, feelinsgs or shortcomings so dont take that on, let him OWN all of those....Whatever your choice is, the the important thing is that you are 100% comfortable with it feels true, and right and authentic to you... -
You're honest enough with each other that you feel it may be time to move on, away from each other.
You've tried to tell him what you need, you're encouraging him to go with you to counselling.
As far as I can tell you've done everything that you can to make the relationship work. When you get the chance to be on your own again, I hope things improve for all involved.
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