I married way too young, at the age of 19. I was an insecure, scared child at the time, and all I knew was that I loved this fun-loving guy and I was comfortable and safe with him. So when he proposed, I said yes, even though I knew I wasn't ready. I didn't want to hurt him, and I couldn't bare the thought of being without him.
The love I felt for him began to fade just one year into our marriage. But I was still too insecure and afraid to tell him. So several years went by with me being completely miserable and depressed. We both grew into different people. He was no longer the fun-loving guy I fell in love with. He became a typical guy that likes to stay home watching football rather than taking his girl out. I was still young and I wanted to go out and have fun. I went out every weekend with my girlfriends instead of with him. We rarely shared those late-into-the-night, soul-connecting conversations anymore. A vastness grew between us. We became roommates instead of soulmates.
Then it came to a point when I decided to leave him. That was the most liberating thing I'd ever done. But it crushed me to see how much it hurt him. He begged me to come back. He told me he could be the man I fell in love with, that he could meet my emotional needs, that he could be my soulmate again. And like a fool, I believed him. I went back to him.
And not soon after I got the shock of my life. We hadn't been planning, nor had we wanted, children. But somehow, even with birth control, I wound up pregnant. Interestingly, this made our relationship much better. It seemed to bridge the gap between us. We now had something in common - our child.
But that feeling did not last. Towards the end of my pregnancy, he turned back into that typical guy again. And what I mean by that is: insensitive, selfish, obliviant. He rarely ever seemed to really care about me. I never got one massage throughout my whole pregnancy. And he was never interested in touching my tummy to feel the baby move, or to put his ear to my stomach to hear the heartbeat. No romance, no sweetness, no nothing. He seemed to only care about work, football, and golf. So, we were back to being roommates again.
But I couldn't leave him then. I had a child to think of. I didn't yet have my degrees or a good paying job. I was still in school. I needed him financially.
That was about four years ago. Now, things are pretty much the same. I have graduated and I have a job, but it's not enough to support my child and I on our own, not yet at least. I might be financially set in 2 years, so my plan is to hang on that long and then let him go.
I've wasted so much of my young life. I feel so sad that my 20s are almost gone, and it's been almost entirely loveless. But, it was all my fault. I shouldn't have been so insecure in the first place. If only I'd told him in the beginning how I truly felt, this never would have happened. And now it's up to me to change it.