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Time Wasted

I married way too young, at the age of 19. I was an insecure, scared child at the time, and all I knew was that I loved this fun-loving guy and I was comfortable and safe with him. So when he proposed, I said yes, even though I knew I wasn't ready. I didn't want to hurt him, and I couldn't bare the thought of being without him.

The love I felt for him began to fade just one year into our marriage. But I was still too insecure and afraid to tell him. So several years went by with me being completely miserable and depressed. We both grew into different people. He was no longer the fun-loving guy I fell in love with. He became a typical guy that likes to stay home watching football rather than taking his girl out. I was still young and I wanted to go out and have fun. I went out every weekend with my girlfriends instead of with him. We rarely shared those late-into-the-night, soul-connecting conversations anymore. A vastness grew between us. We became roommates instead of soulmates.

Then it came to a point when I decided to leave him. That was the most liberating thing I'd ever done. But it crushed me to see how much it hurt him. He begged me to come back. He told me he could be the man I fell in love with, that he could meet my emotional needs, that he could be my soulmate again. And like a fool, I believed him. I went back to him.

And not soon after I got the shock of my life. We hadn't been planning, nor had we wanted, children. But somehow, even with birth control, I wound up pregnant. Interestingly, this made our relationship much better. It seemed to bridge the gap between us. We now had something in common - our child.

But that feeling did not last. Towards the end of my pregnancy, he turned back into that typical guy again. And what I mean by that is: insensitive, selfish, obliviant. He rarely ever seemed to really care about me. I never got one massage throughout my whole pregnancy. And he was never interested in touching my tummy to feel the baby move, or to put his ear to my stomach to hear the heartbeat. No romance, no sweetness, no nothing. He seemed to only care about work, football, and golf. So, we were back to being roommates again.

But I couldn't leave him then. I had a child to think of. I didn't yet have my degrees or a good paying job. I was still in school. I needed him financially.

That was about four years ago. Now, things are pretty much the same. I have graduated and I have a job, but it's not enough to support my child and I on our own, not yet at least. I might be financially set in 2 years, so my plan is to hang on that long and then let him go.

I've wasted so much of my young life. I feel so sad that my 20s are almost gone, and it's been almost entirely loveless. But, it was all my fault. I shouldn't have been so insecure in the first place. If only I'd told him in the beginning how I truly felt, this never would have happened. And now it's up to me to change it.

infinitedreamer infinitedreamer 26-30, F 86 Responses Sep 10, 2008

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Good story.

Hi, i read your story and it feels very familiar. I never had to go through what you went through, but have a few friends who had a similar experience. But it is very common that people do not live their lives to the full and feel unhappy and miserable because of it! I am probably one of them: things unsaid or things ignored, because of fear or don;t even know because of what. I felt inspired by your note because of its end. IT IS up to you! Go ahead and do it, but be careful, think everything through first and do not give up. xx

I would like to share my thoughts but not here in public. I have added you to my circle if you care to talk in private girl to girl.



Christi

You have plenty of input so far so I won't add too much. Suffice to say that people RARELY change completely. Insensitive people remain insensitive, compassionate people remain compassionate. An insensitive person rarely learns to become compassionate or empathetic. They can sometimes have an empathetic moment...but overall their true colors will always surface under the stress of daily life.



It's nice that he acknowledges his shortcomings...but it's an entirely different thing to change them. Without professional counseling, all of his talk will remain just that: TALK. If he's truly interested in remaining with you, suggest relationship counseling. If he fights it, keep trying. If he refuses to go, that's yet another example of why it won't work between you. A man truly interested in saving his relationship and...who is told he has his back to the wall...will do anything to save it IF he truly wants it to continue. Let that be your "acid test" of whether it's worth a last try.



And NO, I'm not a counselor nor a fan of counselors. But I did go to one once to try and save a previous relationship. It was enlightening and helpful. It actually made me understand and deal with the breakup even better than I would have, had we not at least tried.



Good luck with yours.

waoo your story sound just like my i married when i was 18 my husband was 21 now i have a 2 yearl old and i'm pregnant but my married over all we have a comun is the baby. i'm still insecure and in love but he dont love me anymore.

Dont be so hard on yourself. I know I was a mess and very insecure when I was in my twenties too. Live and learn.

Wow, we all seem to have very similar stories. The only thing I am missing is the child. It's good to know we aren't alone. And I have learned that you can talk to you're blue in the face, he can nod, agree and mimic back what you say, but for me that isn't the listening I need, I want. My husband is a "Perfect" listener. He just isn't a doer. He hears but doesn't have any follow through. So all of thoes people who love giving advice on listening skills in marriage, we don't need any of that advice at all. It's the follow through the I'm so sorry, I will change and he does, not for a day or two, but forever. When I said I'm leaving he made leaps and bounds I felt the guilt like you do of leaving, but then it all came to a hault, he went back to 90% of his old ways, he still puts in some effort, but I can see he lost interest his heart isn't in it any more.

Read my blog to learn more: http://wifetellsall.blogspot.com/

I want to get married young but I don't want that to happen to me D:

Communication is very important in a marriage life. At the first place may be your husband is not aware of your needs. If

you share it early, your life will be more meaningful than what you've experience, Anyway, its not yet too late..

I don't think you've wasted your youth. You're still young and the rest of your life belongs to you. Just because you've got a child it doesn't mean that you're going to be lonely.

Come on! Do something with your life!

(At first - leave your husband. :) Now. Not in 2 years time!)

I really can relate to this, as I got married at 20. I'm 25 now, and 3 weeks ago I separated from him. My life was exactly like yours, but we didn't have children, because he was not interested. He always wanted to hang out with his friends, and eventually events led to our separation...I don't think married at a young age can work out, because it happened to me..I love him a lot and I think he does too, but we both grew into different people over the years..we grew up...And in a way, you in your heart will know if you are truly unhappy..don;t wait for te final trigger. Make sure you either seek counseling if you both love each other, otherwise do the right thing by you and your kid and find your way...be strong dear.

well babe there is love out there,trust me.i'm married to the most beutiful girl in the world and that was 31yrs. ago.amazingly she still loves me.first time i saw her i fell in love with her,that moment.went back to my parents house and told my mother i'd met the girl i was gonna marry and 4yrs. later did just that.i'm still IN love her and we smile some times because we seem like such an oddity now.no one seems to stay together for more than a minute.that man you want is out there.you just have to keep your eyes open.as soon as you can get out of the situation you are in.the love you want is still out there.i hope like hell you find it.i can tell you if you find a man that loves you half as much as i do my wife you'll have found a man who'll love you the rest of your life

be well, Joe

NOW that you admit your marriage is not one where you feel your vows are being taken seriously ... it is time to go ...please don't wait .. for something to change ... believe me .. trust your instincts ... they don't change ... and you will never be happy .. How can you make another person happy if you are not happy yourself?? You can't.



I am 61 .. .married 41 years .,.. since I was 19 and he was 20 ... Two adult children, three grandchildren .. . it still doesn't work .. then or now and never will ...



As long as you have your breath .. you have life and you can have happiness.

hi,

your story is very intersting, and obviously very very touching to yourself.

what i observed was that you have grown through the relationship, and you always were connected to your soul and your deepest needs, but perhaps you had a certain belief, that men r like that!

there r many many men who r sensitive

and i wish

you meet them.



love,

Hine sight is 20-20 we can't go second guessing ourselves, besides who knows if it was or wasn't meant to be, the question is, would you change the fact that you have a child now?

I feel the same as you, i also got together with my husband well dated since 15 and move in at 18 and had kids.

the only difference is that i love him i still find him attractive and i desire him and only him to love me but he is like your husband never gave me a caress while pregnant, he doesn't kiss me, he no longer have conversations like before.

we been separated previously but every time he comes back he promises me that he will make me happy but he goes back to being my sex partner to now my room mate cus he hardly have Do IT now days.

i also feel that i am maybe wasting my life on him when someone else could love me like i deserve .

Lady, there is one thing to think about in going ito any kind of relationship, no one is going to make you happy unless you are happy with yourself. same thing goes for your husband. If he feels that he doesn't have to woo you any more than he is mistalen. Its cruel when a spouse assumes that they have done there thing and thats it.

hi infinitedreamer

i'm going to have to yell at you a little bit,i'm afraid.well,here goes,it is so very unfair to just sort of identify guys across the board to be the same as your husband.when my beautiful wife was pregnant with either one of my two children,i did every thing i could to be as helpful as possible.i would rub her down as well as massage.i would often came home from my shop and cook dinner for both of us as well.very often,at night she would have an urge for a snack and i very dutifully got it for her.

i was more than willing to do ANYTHING she needed to be done.though,of course i've no idea of how it feels,i do think i can fathom the enormacy of it all.one more point i'd like to make is the singular fact that i loved her as much then as i do now.so please don't just say offhandedly that all guys are no good,'cause there are some of us that pretty O.K..incidentally,those kids i speak of are in their 20's now.my wife and i are married 32yrs,still in love and neither one of us is walking towards the door yet.love is out there,and us guys are'nt all that crumby.be well,i hope you do

o.k. the next time around.

I too was married young. 18 I married my husband we quickly had 3 kids and now I am so miserable and do not have the means to leave. I know exactly what you are going through infinatedreamer. I have much hope for the future even though like you my 20's are almost over. There are times when you just have to let go and I have always thought that everything happens for a reason. As soon as I finish school and get a good job I will leave my husband and he knows this as well. But me and my kids will be so much happier without him around. My kids truly hate him and that makes me so sad, it is not from things I have said about him to them because I don't talk bad about my hubby in front of my kids, they have just grown to feel that way about him based on how he treats them. My point is please do not stay to satisfy the child you have but find your own bliss. It wil happen for you don't give up. I will pray for you.

We all seem to share your thoughts and feelings with what you are going through dreamer. At that time when you did make your choice, what other options did you feel you had? As I've said in the past about situations like this is that we can't go back and second guess our decisions because they were right at the time. What we can do at this point of our lives is look at it objectively and hope we don't make the same mistakes. I do know what you are going through because I share those feelings you have. You have to make that decision yourself, no one else can make them for you ok?

As a reader and kin to you, I support what ever you decisde to do in order to improve your situation.

Life is too short to not find out who you are. Get outta there and find you in there. She's there somewhere! All the best!!

I too married at 19 to a fun-loving guy whom I felt safe with. I should have known better when I had to ask him to propose. He said he just thought it was understood. He grew up farming and his family didn't show a lot of affection....it was just understood. His insecurities made him controlling over me. I was not aware of it because I was the submissive wife who did everything to please him. He became an alcoholic when our kids were about 12 and 14. I did my best to try to save him until I could not take the emotional abuse and insanity anymore. I filed for seperation (why? not divorce, I guess because I was weak and scared to live on my own and yes, probably still loved him). When he got sober in 07 he refused to go to work. He showed bitterness and disrespect to me. I wanted him to make amends to me and show some remorse before I cancelled the seperation papers. His family and friends agreed with me. My income alone was not supporting us, we used up all the savings, so one day out of desperation I told him I cancelled the papers when I really didn't and he immediately got back to work and acted like a different person. Happy, charming, enthused. He even gave me a hug. With this kind of split personality, I should have divorced him right then. But I didn't. He was angry when I told him I didn't cancel the papers, so I cancelled them because I felt like I had to not because I wanted to. I lost a lot of love and respect over the years and now I feel I am stuck in this relationship. My heart is dead, he spends most his free time in front of the tv or reading or eating. He is fat and unattractive to me. My business is in the same building that we own, so if I divorced, I would have to move my business and split the assets of everything. It would be a nightmare. We have been in marriage counseling for 3 years. Don't let them fool you, they will come up with anything to talk about to keep you coming back and paying 125.00 hour. Counseling isn't drawing us closer together, its just helping us get along. He says in counseling how he will show me more affection and spend more time with me, but it doesn't last. The fact is, you can't change him. You are young enough to move on and find happiness. If he truley loves you, he will find a way to keep you.

Iisten to your heart,If you have tried on the right channels to approched him and you did the right thing and you agree to go your path`s.There will always be a connection maybe not phiscal but the bond of family,yah .Still respect him and her should do the same for you ,If you have done your utmost to prevent this from happenning ,or to give it a few times to reconciliate and work on it ,and you have done your part then you should move on ,but only if you have gave your 100%. You are now older but much wiser although that you were unhappy ,sometimes the grass is greener on the other side .Some people go from 1 unhappy marriage to another and another and never learn because they are in it for sex only than they want to try and convince them it`s love ,without find their feet or stibility or short them self out. They moved out but 1month they find that they can`t go without ' Mr ****" frst time the guy is hot in bed and thats all that matters and for a few months is nice and cosy and lovy dovy and then comes mister 'PROBLEM' If lady choose a guy and hehelps her witheverything than there`s mutual understanding she does have to asked him for assistance it should come natural as part of ,we are together in this relationship so I have to do my part,not only bring in money and get Sex in return,where`s the LOVE ...they only worry about love once the man abuse them or comes aggressive in his behaviour than they want to wake up,than the man is this or that or I never love him or I was to young.... We guys get all the bad reputations eg , we think only with our dicks or the famous saying that thing in there pants.Lady`s wake up do so SOUL searching get a real man that can cook so now and than,help you wih house cleaning,relieve you to have some free time spend quality time together ..If both parties sre working then the letter is oblivious...

I am in the same situation but its just a repeat over and over :( I have 6 kids and not degree and no job BUT im almost 40 so my life is basically over...i just sit around going through the motions daily waiting on kids to grow up and for the funeral home to have a box for me...thats my life. I have tried various types of meds thinking it was me, but seeing the situation never has changed they never help. They dont even numb the lonely.

I,too was married at 19, and my first marriage did not last although I gave it all I had. I am going to step out on a limb here and say that all I hear in what you have written is me me me and "why should I give if I don't get." You admitted you don't love him and you are just hanging on till your financial situation is better and yet you call him selfish. I am not saying this to be mean but you have a lot of self examination to do before you get into another relationship with anyone. I had a lot of growing up to do myself and I didn't find my soul mate till my early 40's. We give because we love and we want the person we love to be happy no matter what. It is called unconditional love and if you can't love like that then you are missing out. What happens when you give 150% of yourself is that with the right person you will get 200% back. Good luck to you.

I left my wife once or twice some years back. Because of the same reasons. I married, not out of love really, but because of marrying young, and to avoid having to be at home with an abusive Dad. I left my wife and would have been maybe gone for good, but I didn't have really a place to live, nor much of a job. So had to go back to my wife. Am I stuck here?

I came across your story while exploring this group, and identify with almost every single thing. How have things been for you lately? I notice this story is a couple years old. Are you still married? Did you ever convince him to go to counseling with you? Has anything improved?

I too married young, my parents had recently divorced and even though I was in my early 20's I didn't want to be alone. We have been married for almost 30 years and have two children. He's not mean or abusive, we just live together more like siblings than a married couple. We sleep in the same bed but haven't had sex in more than 10 years. I know I know, if he's not having sex with me he's having sex with someone else. I was going to leave years ago, but was told if he wasn't abusive than it was selfish to leave as the kids didn't ask to be born and they had the right to both parents. So I stayed, the kids are grown, and are living their own lives. I worry now if I leave they will both hate me and side with him. I don't think I could handle them not being in my life. So I stay.

it remains interesting how one will admit their own insecurities, and yet, blame their partner for their unhappiness. If someone is not at peace with their self, this probably means they have an unhappy disposition. So if someone is not at peace, insecure, and unhappy what have they been giving to the people in their lives??? Especially the one (spouse,partner) with whom they share a relationship.



People can not read minds. It remains an individual responsibility to communicate needs and wants. Also, to expect any relationship to remain as it was during the first year of courtship/marriage is a complete illusion. ANYONE, who has been in a longterm relationship and has the gall to state "it is as good as it was when we first met" is in real denial. A relationship that has communication, a need for understanding and a commitment to another person beside their own self indulgence should be able to claim, "it is Better then it was when we first met."



Hopefully, people will one day discover it remains the years that follow those first years in a relationship,which really reveal whether or not a person knows how to love not only themself, but another human being.

lil late on this one but... 30's are totally the new 20's!! your young! get a cute apt for you and your kids near family, bank on child support, get a job- get settled- and go to school pt time while you work. thats what Im gonna do.