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Like Brother and Sister

 Hi,

I'm 59 yrs old and been married for 30 yrs this august. We had a great sex life before we were married and for the first years of our marriage. It was after our second child when my wife decided she had had enough of sex. Giving birth was so painful that it scarred her sex life. Mentally she equated sex with the pain of child birth. She was quite good for a few years when she would lay there and let me 'get on with it' as she used to put it. After a while it was like making love to a piece of meat. There was no emotion there. In the end I decided that I would wait for her to want it. The only thing she wants is to cuddle. that's fine except if I get aroused, which is only natural, She gets upset and has even called me a pervert. I can't live without that intimacy of making love. Not sex but making love where the intimacy is mutual.

I have recently retired and thought that I would try to see if there were any others, particularly women, who were in the same boat and perhaps I could find a lover/soulmate. There are lots of sites on the internet for married dating but they seem to either be for singles or sex mad women. I did find 'Illicit encounters ' which does have women like us but it costs £120 a month. Can you recommend any others?

In some ways I wish we were at each other all the time then we could get a divorce. Unfortunately we do love each other and care for each other very much but it really is now like brother and sister. 

This lack of intimacy is driving me crazy. I think about it all the time and spend far too much time searching for a lover on the internet. I know people say we should go to counselling. The joke is she is one! 

can't think of anything else to say now so I'll post this and wait for you comments. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

happy57823 happy57823 56-60 7 Responses Mar 13, 2009

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You wife is being selfish by depriving you of one of the most beautiful and fulfilling things that you can have in your life. The fact that in marriage, you only are supposed to have sex with your partner, makes her actions even more selfish. I was married for decades with a man like that and it ended up that although he had refused to have sex with me for 8 years, he was having an affair! Once I found that out, I happily divorced him and am now in a relationship with a man my age who loves having sex with me. We have a full and beautiful relationship that is not like the brother and sister one I had with my husband. Believe me, I now see the totality of what I was missing before-- how I had been starving for real intimacy, not just a roommate relationship.

You have reason enough to divorce your wife, and my advice is to do that and to then find someone who would meet your needs for intimacy. If I could do things over again, I would have divorced my husband at least 10 years before I did. Sex is supposed to be part of marriage, and if one is willing to have sex, but has a partner who refuses (including refusing to get help for any sexual problems), they are not following their marital vows, and you have every right to move on. I believe it's better to divorce than to have an affair in a marriage. Why live with someone who is too selfish to meet your needs when you could be with someone who loves you fully the way you deserve and desire?

Try Adult Friend Finder.

a carbon copy of me in some cases. My wife after three children and a hysterectomy that took out her ovaries and uterus, there is no more sex and hasn't been for the last five years. she is not interested in sex at all and her comment was (we are both senior citizens now) that there is no need for sex after sixty. She doesn't like to cuddle because I get aroused and then we argue. We go to fitness and a few guys same age try to hit on her. She likes the attention but that's as far as it goes. They would be surprise if by chance she would go out with them because there would be no sex, I'm sure. So I just hit the sex web sites and do ************ and live the lonely life. She is a good wife otherwise but not sexual.

well i am in the same boat. been married for 20 some years, have not had sex for about 10 of those years, she is just not interested, says find it some other place, but not with me.i do not want to leave as she is a very good wife except what i need. so i have a girl friend 300 miles away, and it seems to work out fine for now. by the way she is not interested in sex with any body, and will not even talk about getting help.

Ok mister, was that my subconscience writing that? Your words sounded like my words. Although we didn't have children. She had a miscarriage and then the sex was downhill from there. I too have been thinking it would be easier if we were always fighting then a divorce would be easy. But, like you, we still love each other. There's just no sexual intimacy there anymore. She too acts like just do it and be done with it.

Your story is SOOOOO exactly like mine.....except.....the "shoe is on the other foot" so-to-speak. We will acknowledge our 33rd anniversary on Friday and BOY do I wish HE would be into "having desert first" and forgetting about dinner. <br />
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But he has been "unable" for 5 years now and told me about 3 years ago that intimacy just doesn't really matter to him......he's not exactly the type you can confront for a variety of reasons, but when he said that, I found myself barking right back at him that it DOES matter to ME.......and he was unbelievably startled and surprised. ???!!!<br />
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Does it seem to anyone else like most problems that focus on sexless marriages are more about the men going without than the women? Well, I'm here to tell you that it works BOTH ways and can be just as lonely when it's happening for the gal.<br />
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Just as our 59-year-old friend writes.......he's considered intimacy outside of the marriage and finds himself thinking about it all the time......the SAME is true with me. I've been guilty of scoping out the possibilites at the local Wal-Mart, just "wondering" if there would be anyone else out there in the same boat that I am that would be interested in a physical friendship only.....now if that isn't desperate, I certainly don't know what is.<br />
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I've NEVER acted on it......and my "logical" side says that kind of activity would be loaded with problems.....such as keeping emotions in check with the person that is supposed to be a "friend with benefits only." How truly realistic would that be, anyway? Not very, I fear.<br />
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So that brings us full circle and the problem is still there. I do agree that online opportunities are probably not the way to go.....but if she is unwilling to change, I think there are only two alternatives: divorce......or an absolutely discreet connection with someone in the very same boat that you are in. I really don't see another solution and it is such a waste of life to continue as things are.

UIAlum, well here's another guy in a sexless marriage. Wish we could help each other out.

I am not a counsellor, just a 30-year veteran of a not-so-happy marriage, though not as dire as yours seems to be. I will assume you are not overstating your case. Firstly, you should insist that she gets examined by a doctor for physical problems, including hormone balance. If there is nothing physically wrong with her, or if she refuses to be examined, tell her how serious the situation is, that it is serious enough that you will have to focus your intimacy outside the marriage. Give it a couple more months to see if anything changes. Then, if still no change, give her the choice: an "open" marriage (if you think this might work for you and your new partner) or a clean break. You shouldn't have any trouble meeting someone, but I am guessing that you might have more success by trying social clubs etc. in your community rather than the internet, due to your age group. Good luck and keep us posted.