This Is Not What I Signed Up For

Sometimes, I just want to scream, especially lately - I think is this all there is ever going to be?  Am I stuck with a life sentence of loneliness?

I have renewed a wonderful friendship with old boyfriend.  We mesh and I have shared a lot of my pains, sorrows, disappointments with my marriage.  He has been good at giving me some balance and rationality at looking at things.  The biggest thing that I have learned from him, though, is something that he is not totally aware of - how much I crave being married to someone that is not only my "husband" and my lover and the father of my children but is my FRIEND - someone I enjoy being with and enjoys being with me.  I DO NOT HAVE THIS in any way, shape or form.

Am I right to expect more out of a marriage?  Am I asking too much to have my spouse be my companion also?  Do I have a right to be so unhappy - it's not like he is mean or has "wandered"?

 

DorothyofOz DorothyofOz
41-45, F
10 Responses Mar 20, 2009

You are not wrong to expect more but let go find yourself first before jumping into another relationship. Face your fears and heal.

I feel your pain. I actually scream in the car once in while as a way to let off steam. I have never felt so alone. I had a period of about 7 years where I worked 70+ hour weeks and only dated occasionally. I remember feeling very lonely at that time because I just couldn't find anyone to date or if I did, we didn't click. I feel more lonely now then at that time.
I think you should expect more out of marriage for sure. I say that as I sit in the same boat as you. My wife is not my companion, or partner at all. I wouldn't even say frenemy, I'd almost say adversary. I don't really have any advice, but if you'd like to chat I'll listen.

I say this all the time but any relationship especially marriage there needs to be a mix of Friendship, Love, and Sex in order to make it work.

I think the issue that a lot of marriages after a while goes into a rut and does not every come out. I have found only a few marriages where they have stayed in love and kept the marriage healthy. I not saying that it is one person or the other it takes two to tango.... But I have worked on mine from the start and it was good for several years then it just tailed off and now we are friends. We don't fight or fuss we just kind of hang out. Sex is just that sex get up, get on and get off there is no making love for hours like it use to be. She use to buy sexy outfits and took extra care to look and smell sexy but that is all gone. Hell she doesn't want to remove her top the once and a great while when I get luck enough to get 10 mins with her. This is not me I love make long passionate love to a woman that enjoys being pleasured from head to toes!!!!!! I hope you find what you need and desire.....

I missed this story ... and just read it tonight, along with rayw1 comments. I first of all, don't understand why he chose your story to comment on ... he is not a member of this Experience, "Sexless Marriages" , and doesn't seem to have an interest in topics such as this.<br />
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Be that as it may ... I applaud your response to his judgemental comments. It enabled you to take the devils advocate's viewpoints, (rayw!), and dis-spell them. <br />
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Nobody knows what each and every one of us goes through with our spouses that leads to such unhappiness and yes you are correct .. GOD WANTS US TO BE HAPPY, NOT UNHAPPY ... HE WANTS US TO SHARE THE HAPPINESS WITH OTHERS .. NOT THE UNHAPPINESS. There is no joy in suffering and there is no joy in being a martyr. You are nether. It is perfectly human to desire to love and be loved in return. When a spouses closes down on us and refuses to be part of the solution, then he becomes the problem. We are left with no choice, but to take care of our own mental health needs and sexuality needs, in whatever manner we find acceptable, as long as it doesn't involve hurting another human being in the process.<br />
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Please don't let this person overshadow all the positive comments and support you have received from this community. You should not have to be in a position to be attacked for your viewpoints ... that is not the creed on EP.<br />
Check out his profile .... and then take it from where it comes.<br />
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Joy, Happiness, Love, and Yes, Satisfaction!<br />
Blessings Always

Rayw1 - I don't even know where to start with how wrong you are about me - you misread my post completely.<br />
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#1 - I am not having an affair - I am talking through e-mail to a friend, that I happened to date 20 years ago, he lives 4 hours away.<br />
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#2 - My husband does ignore me, he makes me feel very unloved and unappreciated, and most recently when I told him that I didn't think he was in love with me anymore, he didn't deny it. Additionally, there are so many things he has done so out of the scope of what you are addressing. I am not asking for him to be glued to my side or entertain me - I am the extrovert in the relationship - I can entertain us or myself whenever it is necessary. I worked hard for 15 years to make this a great relationship - talked, learned to control my anger, prayed about it, talked some more, kept the children fed and cared for and a million other things. My husband shuts down more and more - turning into himself. He has never treated our marriage as a partnership either - meaning - we work together for mutual goals - we will sit and talk and have a great constructive conversation, agree on a plan of action, and then he will turn around and do exactly as he pleases - and even lie about it to me.<br />
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My biggest problem with your comment is that you took my little post as the whole of me and my relationship - and that isn't really fair is it?? I am not a bored housewife (that is so condescending and judgmental) - I have tried to fill up my life with friends, friends for my children, working at their school, fighting for better school and educational opportunities in our locality, taking the kids to my mom and dad's so that my husband can have alone time which he wants. Take a look at some of my other stories and I could even send you something from my journal about the problems in our marriage - problems that I have battled for 15 years! Problems that I took on myself and beat myself up and tortured myself that I was the one to blame for his continual unhappiness. I am no longer the fun-loving, bubbly goofball I once was - I am a shell - empty except for the fulfillment I get from watching my children. I have done so many things and bent over backwards for my husband. I have tried to be understanding when he has had difficulty with job related issues. I don't complain if he has to work on his computer all weekend because he is on call. I don't complain when he has to work until midnight some nights due to a problem - and I don't complain when he has to go back in to work because of a problem. I make sure that he has lunches to take to work with him - I don't call him during the day to disturb him. I know that he is not the sole problem - I have never thought that I marriage can self-destruct on the shoulders of one person. You don't even know me, but there you sit - judge and jury.<br />
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I am a hurting person right now that has had to swallow a lot of her expectations for a marriage over the years, but I don't think God means us to suffer to the point of losing ourselves. I mean, how long do I have to beat this dead horse?<br />
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I am not making any permanent decisions right now. I am seeking counseling from a professional and from my pastor. My parents are supportive and trying to make sure that I look at all sides of the problem, but even my rational, calm, fair minded Dad has had enough of watching me so completely unhappy, lonely and defeated.<br />
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I think you need to look around at stuff I have written - and ask me some more questions and then maybe apologize for the rush to judgment, misunderstanding and the harsh, uncaring tone of your post, but I won't hold my breath.

You have made no real complaint against your husband other than he is not your friend. This appears to signify that you are truly expecting too much from your husband.<br />
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Let me explain it this way, men do not have the same ability foer reliance as do women. They are less able to take the heavy stress involved in "hunting" for the necessities that marriage and children bring and, be a friend to the person that they love.<br />
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In fact, that is something you appear to have forgotten in your statement, your husband loves you and is trying to care for you and his family in the best way that he knows, as a "Hunter". His reliance is on you to keep the family stablised and running smoothly while he keeps the hpme fed and watered just as his ancient ancestors did. This is something that is jn his genetic make-up and you nor anyone on this earth will change that. Only evolution will make such changes to man. <br />
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I really do hope that you have not come down with the dreaded "housewives syndrome" of boredom and dissatisfaction with your home life because you have lost the communication you had with your man when first you fell for him.<br />
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Try to understand that he would not be with you if he did not love and care for you and also try to understand where he is at in the worries of life. You have not said he beats you, totally ignores you, says the he does not love you, treats the children badly or is just a hopeless husband. <br />
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You are quite proud to say that he is your Husband, your lover and the father of your children so where does the blame lie for him not being your friend?<br />
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My guess is that he is one of those who are struggling to cope with the stresses involved in looking after a family and being your companion. Do you really believe that you will find it in your adultery? If you wish to have an affair, have it but do not believe that you will solve what you are feeling right now. This will all begin again with the next man you are with because he then will have the role of supporter and you will be in the same straits again. <br />
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Do not use excuses such as this to cover your need for extra-marital excitement, if you want to make a friend out of your husband, take him to one of ypour old lovers lane spots and explain this to him.<br />
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I will bet that he believes you are holding up your end of the ship while he is battling with the worries of life. It does not matter one iota that you might be working too, he sees himself as the provider and if he fails, his man-ish ability to raise and feed his family will be crushed. <br />
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What you have explained in you post is not nice, especially for your husband but remember, if it is about having affairs just do it and forget it but if it is because you want someone to talk to you as a friend, remember this because it is true, I have never wanted to spend time making idle chatter about marital problems with women unless I was being sympathetic with them all the way to the bedroom. That is the way of the predator and if you cannot see that what you are doing is wrong for yourself, then you are blind or interested in "spicing" up your boredom. Please do not feel that I am haranguing you, I am simply trying to show you the way. If you are no longer in ;love with your husband then don't make him a Cuckold. Sit down and tell him of your problem, if he loves you he will listen, if not well.....

I am so sad for you...I can completely relate to what you said...I could have written that story myself...

You all are so sweet - I usually don't think I am asking too much, but then I have others that tell me that it sounds like I should be working harder for my marriage and accepting my husband for himself... I mean divorce will mess up a lot of things in our lives - a lot of disruption for young children.<br />
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I tried to tell my husband that I think it is over and could we work on a way to stay together and mutually raise the children and then we can part ways. He got sooooooo mad with me that he said he was calling a lawyer the next day, but then the next day, he said he just wanted to pretend that the previous night's confrontation didn't happen - whatever. I am fine with that for now!

You want what is oh so reasonable... you want what should be the norm! You're not wrong.