Scared & Confused

I’m trying to not give up on my relationship but I don’t think he truly wants to be with me anymore. Im scared & hurt and I don’t know which way to turn……Please tell me what you think or has anyone gone through this? Please look at my other posts if possible…

…..Last week we had a very bad fight…again….this time it started with words back & forth –I don’t even remember what it was about anymore…Im so worn out. I love him more than anything..but I don’t think he loves me anymore or wants to be with me and it hurts because I do love him. The only thing that stands in my memory is that during the course of an argument (which should have never transpired) things got heated up after some comments were made and out of anger he said for us to give the baby up for adoption…later I asked if he was serious & if something ever happened to me would he take care of her. He stated that he couldn’t because he has been laid off and he would give her up for adoption so she had a fighting chance in life…this surprised me and hurt…I still don’t know what to think, he says awful things when he is upset…

Last night we had an argument over his cell phone….Im not thinking clearly I don’t know if it’s the stress or what..he went to take his daughter home and made it a point of telling me he wasn’t bringing his cell phone with for whatever reason because he didn’t need it…which he brought it anyway. Then when we went to bed he had to have it by his night stand…so I asked him why…of course his reply was incase anyone calls-in the middle of the night, so he would hear it…well I ended up getting upset and started in with a ton of questions because it made no sense to me that he didn’t want to take it for a two hour drive to take his daughter home but he had to have it in the middle of the night in case someone calls-It made no sense….We got into a huge fight about it…I have no idea why…to the point that he wanted nothing to do with me the rest of the night…he was more upset about that it seemed than other arguments…..

I was even more upset because he didn’t want to make love…nothing….that has become an issue because in our entire relationship we only make love when he wants to…if he doesn’t want to it never happens it doesn’t matter if I want to…its only when he says its ok and 9 times out of 10 I have to ask…it hurts I feel rejected and unattractive. He is 20 years older than I am (Im 36) and I have been going through this issue with wanting a lot of sex during my pregnancy and now after…Is there something wrong with me? Because of being turned down so much I feel so unattractive and ashamed because I have to ask and then get turned down..What is wrong with me? Is everything my fault? Am I getting what I deserve?

Last night he brought up that the phone issue is just something else Im upset about…why does he hold every argument we have ever had against me…I feel like he is keeping score…when I bring up past arguments from a week or so ago, he doesn’t want to talk about it because its done and over, but yet its ok for him to bring up stuff. I love him but he acts like the only thing we do is argue…he forgets or just doesn’t care about the other 85 percent of the time….why doesn’t any of that matter? Why does he only remember me in a bad light and not remember me in a good way?

Last week he asked for a divorce and then realized he loved me and didn’t want one…He told me he didn’t want to lose me…I don’t want to divorce him I do love him more then anything he is pushing me away and I don’t think he cares..He is breaking my heart and all the self respect that I had for myself it starting to go away…Is there something wrong with me? Is he just trying to push me away so I leave?

 

jc5273 jc5273
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 23, 2009

The time may be right to seek help from a counselor or clergy.