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Not Anymore

I was married and lonely, now I am separated and lonely. Take it from me, it is much preferable. The thing that has changed is that at least now I have hope. Hope that someday my life will not be like this. Plus, I get the whole bed to myself and total control of the remote. I don't have to cook if I don't feel like it. There is no one around making me feel like the most undesirable and boring woman on the planet.

It was hard, but worth it. Trust me on this. Just do it.

autimom autimom 31-35, F 28 Responses Apr 25, 2009

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yes they do deserve the very best, and that's you.

I'm not exceptional as a parent. I strive to be, but I'm not. I'm just like everyone else--I do my best every single day to give my kids what they deserve.

DEAR AUTI,<br />
I GOT YOU,I BEILEVE THAT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE IN THE GIVEN CIRCUMSTANCE WAS APPROPRIATE ,AND HAVE NO DOUBT'S ABOUT YOU BEING A EXCEPTIONALLY GOODMOTHER,YOUR KIDS WONT BE AT A LOSS AT ALL.

Thanks, V. <br />
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Honestly it didn't take "a long time" for me to figure out that there was something "wrong" in my marriage. I was doing that thing called "trying to make it work." I didn't just throw up my hands at the first sign of unhappiness and discontent. <br />
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Sure children would prefer for their parents to be married, most likely, given the choice. However, my kids have done fine. My youngest was barely three and likely will have no memory of us ever being married. He made the transition with ease and hopefully having a mom who isn't deeply depressed will benefit him. My kids are doing great, it has been nearly 18 months now.

yes i agree with you on that,but why does it take such along time to figure out that something's going wrong in your marriage,divorce may not be that bad, but i am mostly looking from the childrens perspective.

jag.... seriously. Auti made a choice. It was a smart choice, given the circumstances. People's situations and relationships are different. She knows this. She's not telling all married people who are mildly unhappy to get a divorce. All she is saying is that anyone in her situation would be better off with a happy divorce than an unhappy marriage.

Thank you! <br />
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For the first time in recent memory, I have hope.

Congratulations! You are starting a new chapter in your life. Hope it will be a great one. Good luck!

I say if you are miserable, give up. Don't waste your life. Move on. <br />
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It worked for me. I've been split from my ex-husband for 18 months. It was the right choice.

Often husbands who have lost interest in their wives find solace in an other woman's company,.More marriages end up in divorce due to infidelity than sexual deprivation, when some say that it takes a lot to make a marriage work, they aren't just kidding. Divorce isn't that bad i agree but the reason for it should be equally strong.and if someone goes by what you are saying that one must check whether their sex drive matches with their partner's or not, then i guess they must set out on a real long drive.cause it only reduces year after year. that's a long time. isn't it.<br />
in business there is a golden rule "never give up" persistence what ever happened to that.

Disagree. Love can't change ****. Love can make you blind to the issues that should keep you from marrying someone. Love can make you see an idealized version of someone, and dismiss nagging concerns that sit in the corners of your mind. Some people love their spouse so much, or are big enough martyrs to sacrifice their sexual desires or intimacy needs because they want to stay in the marriage. Asexual people do not change. You can not change them. I don't care how sexy you are, how good you are in bed, or what you might offer them out of the bedroom. Desire can not be manufactured.

then why do they keep saying love can change everything,mismatched libido included.what say Auti

Reformed husbands? I don't buy it. One thing I have learned in my 34 years of life is that you can't change a man. If you choose a man to marry don't go into it thinking you can change the things about him that don't exactly fit. <br />
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My one piece of advice for anyone that might ever read the **** I have written on the site is this: Do NOT marry someone with a mismatched libido. They will not ever want more sex. They will only want less as the years pass. If you have a nagging feeling that your libido does not match theirs, or vice versa, listen to your gut. Save everyone a lot of misery and do not marry them. No matter what.

since the emphasis was on sex, i spoke my mind, i am happy that you feel you have made the right choice,happiness! isn't that what matters in the end.and since you already know what makes a fantastic lover,i wouldn't elaborate any further.but i can sure tell of a lot of reformed husbands, but i guess they were plain lucky as their wives went that extra mile to give them that second chance,lucky bastards i say.

Sexual performance is NOT the only way I measure how compatible I am with a partner. I could expand on this thought but I'm bored of it. <br />
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People become obsessed with sex sometimes when they aren't getting any and feel like they never will. Like hope for a sexual satisfying relationship is lost. I was there two years ago. I was preoccupied with sex because I WAS NOT HAVING ANY, and had not had much in years. It made me resent my husband. Eventually I could not even get along with him. It destroyed our marriage. <br />
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Now. It has been 2 years. My life is different. I made the right choice. <br />
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Also, I doubt that often a "lazy" husband becomes a fantastic lover. The making of a fantastic lover is a combination of some important factors. I doubt you are interested in what I think they are, you are really only interested in chastising me because you think I left my marriage solely because my husband didn't want to screw. Wrong.

there's nothing wrong in remarraige, find a real nice guy who will take good care of you, but again its just a gamble you see, the nice guy can become lazy and be uninterested in sex after a while, a lazy husband can reform and become a fantastic lover, you never know,what's next, for example if a student excels in five subjects , but is weak in 1 subject what would be done, work more on the weaker subject or dismiss the boy from school. every human has his strenghts and weakness,if sexual performance is the only parameter by which you gauge somebody,then what can i say

Excuse me? <br />
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First of all--you are flatly wrong. My baby days are over. I don't even plan on marrying again, but I won't say never there. As for the more children,...absolutely not. I have my hands full and it would be irresponsible. <br />
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I will not apologize because I want sex. I want sex, I want the intimacy that comes along with a physical relationship. If all I cared about was getting ****** it wouldn't be nearly so tough to find the right man for me. <br />
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Apparently you have been reading some of my other stories, and let me clarify for you that yes, sex is important to me, but more to the point a relationship that is full of intimacy, touching and warmth is what I am after,...and my husband was incapable of sharing in any of that. <br />
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So stop judging me.

YOU HAVE GOT OUT OF THE MARRAIGE, CONGRATS BUT SOON YOU WILL FIND A BOY FRIEND FOR SEX, WILL ENJOY SOMETIME WITH HIM THEN WOULD WANT HIM ALL FOR YOURSELF, WILL MARRY HIM, HAVE BABIES,LIFE WILL BE SMOOTH FOR SOME TIME THEN AGAIN HE WILL HAVE NO INTEREST IN SEX OR YOU, YOU WILL AGAIN START FEELING MISERABLE, WILL AGAIN WALK OUT OF THE UNION, LIFE WILL GO ON LIKE THIS , YOU WILL KEEP MEETING PEOPLE TILL YOU BECOME OLD AND UNFIT FOR SEX ANYMORE, SINCE ITS SEX THAT YOU BEEN SEEKING YOU SHALL FIND IT PLENTY, BUT NO LIFE.

good for you! I hope to have strength to better my situation also someday! thanks for sharing and inspiring!

I have to say that I would agree. I thought I was lonely when I was a single parent, but now I would love to go back to that. My wife recently was gone for a week visiting her parents. I had the house to myself, and it was very nice. Once she came back, things were tense again.

My reason for marriage? What is anyones reason? I wanted to get married, he seemed like the one. I was young and brushed aside all of the reasons that now make it obvious that we were not right for each other.

This is a relief. To be able to talk and listen to others in the same situation or similar. I can't talk to my friends because I don't want them to judge me. Sex is the only thing keeping us together. I am not tired of giving it, I love it, but giving it, knowing that is all there is keeping us together. My husband hardly wants to spend time with me. I have to go do everything by myself. And if he does do something with me he has to hurry and come home to get on his game. It has been like this for atleast 7 years and then some. He does tell me how attractive and sexy I am, however I am lonely and we hardly talk and share our feelings. His whole personality is different. He gets angry easy, he seems uncaring sometimes. It is very frustrating. i feel liek i am wasting my time being the maid and the sex partner. Our kids are all young adults now. youngest is 18 so now I am soul searching and seeing if I would be better off taking a huge step and rocking the boat, with a seperation. But then we'd loose the house if we can't sell it. That would be so iresponsible.

I agree, K. My friend niceguyinhell said is so spot on:<br />
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What's even stranger to me (and I may be alone on this one) are people that equate suffering in relationships with "real love."<br />
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"I've been miserable every day for YEARS! It's a struggle to even be in the same room with my husband! We go to therapy every day just to keep from killing each other!"<br />
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...And then these same people go on to explain why they think it's such a shame that the divorce rate is so high in the US!<br />
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Waitaminute. No relationship is perfect, but if you're THAT miserable...what the hell is wrong with getting a divorce? Why do they think it's normal to be with someone they clearly aren't happy with? Why do they think it's normal to try and keep forcing a square peg into a round hole?<br />
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We're seeing that more and more, aren't we? Everyone from Bill O'Reily to Oprah to Dr. Phil tut-tutting and shaking their head at couples who get divorced for no other reason than being incompatible and miserable.<br />
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"Relationships take WORK!" they shout with perverse glee. <br />
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Actually, they don't. Well obviously they require a little effort...but if you have to put that much WORK into it or FORCING a yourself to be civil to your spouse or achieve some kind of bizarre West Bank/Gaza Middle East cease-fire...then odds are you guys just aren't that ******* compatible.<br />
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But it all ties together to a deeply dysfunctional psychology masquerdaing as morality. Insisting that "misery" is a normal (keyword) characteristic of marriage is a uniquely American idea.<br />
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We all know relationship martyrs who go on and on about how miserable they are (or brag about how much "work" they put into relationships).<br />
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Are they really being moral or heroic...or are they just being irrational?<br />
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S'funny how there aren't 1,500 books about how to "save" friendships. That's because we don't have this deep and elaborate mythology (ie emotional baggage) assigned to being a friend. Being a friend is natural. You either enjoy someone's company and get along with them or you don't. If two friends drift apart...no problem! if two lovers evolve over time and drift apart....unacceptable! It's the end of America!

Someone said to me the other day that it takes strength to stick a marriage out and stay with it. I immediately corrected them and said it takes strength to leave a situation that you know is unhealthy and can't be made into a healthy one. So many people live in misery because they can't deal with what others think of them. It is truly sad to me.

He will deep down, he might not say it out load because of pride or something but down the line he will know what he lost.

Thanks. He'll never admit that he might miss me, or that he was wrong in any way. He'd never even admit it to himself.

I'm sorry to here that, I hope everything works out for you. He is the one that lost out, I'm sure he had someone great but he took it for granted, he will realize that some day.

I regret the marriage didn't work only because I have children. However, I am going to be happy, and have sex. Looks to me from your screen name that you need some sex, too. No one should have to live in a marriage without it.