Married 13 Years, and Lonely For Most of Them

 I never thought that I would be lonely with my husband in the same house, room, or even sitting beside me. But the reality is that I have been lonely for the better part of our marriage. Lonely for intimate conversation, for someone to share the same things I enjoy--listening to music, reading--especially the Bible--praying, worshipping, even just quietly appreciating the wonders of our world, our family, our pets. But I did not marry a man who shares my interests; a man who is able (or willing?) to communicate on the same level as I can and need to--intellectual conversation, spiritual conversation, deep thoughts, dreams, desires, fears, etc. I married a man who shoots the breeze, talks about crap I don't give a crap about--boats, cars, trash-talk. Did I marry the wrong man? I hate to think so since I am already here and have been for the past 13+ years. What a waste that would be. And if I married the right man--the man God had selected just for me--what the hell was He thinking? 

  Sure, we have our greats--great moments, even hours, maybe days--but they are far and few between--we have had only a few great, however short, conversations about our feelings. We have great kids, great ideas, great sex ... hmmm, I'll have to dig a little deeper to find the other greats--they're in there somewhere. We share our lives together by living in the same house--when he's home. What we seem to share more than anything is conflict. It is ongoing. I am so frustrated with not being able to live in peace in my own home that I just want to run far away to somewhere, anywhere, where I can live in peace and harmony--even if alone. I am used to being alone, maybe not physically alone, but emotionally alone, or maybe just detached. I'm tired of not being able to have a conversation that does end in a battle.    I have only known one man in my life that I could "share" with. We shared music, our thoughts on music, books, life, pets, kids, love, pain, pain, and more pain. We were both going through difficult times in our marriages and separated from our spouses. Our pain brought us close together--too close. And because of that, our friendship had to end. Years later I yearn to have a friendship with my husband like I did with him. I talk to my husband and he hears me wrong or takes offense to my honesty. I dearly miss the husband I will never have. 
ChickwBrains ChickwBrains
41-45, F
5 Responses Jun 26, 2009

UPDATE: I finally filed for a divorce January 2010! This past year has been challenging for many reason, but I am soooo happy--happier than I have been in a very long time. It was the BEST decision I could have made. My kids definitely see a real difference too. I'm looking forward to a better future for myself and my children.

THats the story of my life. My prayers are with you.

While kids are a wonderful gift and often a reason parents stay in an unhappy marriage it's very unhealthy to do so if they are all you have in common. I have felt loneliest with my husband within arm’s reach and yet so very far away. I stayed for the sake of my kids thinking it was what was best for them and now I see that it was very harmful to them. They pick up on all the negativity and the stress in the home. Plus your situation is likely to deteriorate as both of you become increasingly frustrated by the dynamics of the relationship such as feeling like you’re walking on eggshells since the most mundane conversation can end in a fight. If he's willing to go to counseling and you find you enough in common to rebuild then try to fix your marriage. If counseling isn't an option (my spouse refused) and/or the relationship is irreparable then get out of the relationship while encouraging and insisting that he still be active in your kids lives. Your kids will be better served by the two of you separately if you are unable to resolve the growing conflict in your relationship than they will be if you stay together. Should you find a better match down the road your kids will also benefit from seeing a more positive example of a relationship. I’ve learned this the hard way, if you want to know more about my story check out Brokenhearted but Hopeful at <a href="" target="ep_blank"></a> Good luck to you.

I am sorry to hear about your situation and I see the fact that your interest are at the opposite end of the spectrum. You regard you interest as important and your husbands interest crap. Maybe he feels the same way that you do. His interest you think is crap and he doesn't know anything about your interest. Out of all that you have done there has to be something is of common grounds. You have kids and the two of you should put your energy on them. THat is your common ground. Good luck

Dear CWB: I can so understand your feelings. Missing the husband you will never have.<br />
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I know what it's like to be with someone and still feel so alone. Unfortunately, if he isn't willing to hear you and work with you to make some changes in the relationship, you will not be happy. You will always feel like something so huge is missing from your life. Please don't ever look upon your years with him as wasted. You both learned and gained so much and maybe your journey together is over and it is time to move on. <br />
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Life, God, universe all have a funny way of giving us exactly what we need, even if it takes us a long time to see it.