Married 13 Years, and Lonely For Most of Them
I never thought that I would be lonely with my husband in the same house, room, or even sitting beside me. But the reality is that I have been lonely for the better part of our marriage. Lonely for intimate conversation, for someone to share the same things I enjoy--listening to music, reading--especially the Bible--praying, worshipping, even just quietly appreciating the wonders of our world, our family, our pets. But I did not marry a man who shares my interests; a man who is able (or willing?) to communicate on the same level as I can and need to--intellectual conversation, spiritual conversation, deep thoughts, dreams, desires, fears, etc. I married a man who shoots the breeze, talks about crap I don't give a crap about--boats, cars, trash-talk. Did I marry the wrong man? I hate to think so since I am already here and have been for the past 13+ years. What a waste that would be. And if I married the right man--the man God had selected just for me--what the hell was He thinking?Sure, we have our greats--great moments, even hours, maybe days--but they are far and few between--we have had only a few great, however short, conversations about our feelings. We have great kids, great ideas, great sex ... hmmm, I'll have to dig a little deeper to find the other greats--they're in there somewhere. We share our lives together by living in the same house--when he's home. What we seem to share more than anything is conflict. It is ongoing. I am so frustrated with not being able to live in peace in my own home that I just want to run far away to somewhere, anywhere, where I can live in peace and harmony--even if alone. I am used to being alone, maybe not physically alone, but emotionally alone, or maybe just detached. I'm tired of not being able to have a conversation that does end in a battle. I have only known one man in my life that I could "share" with. We shared music, our thoughts on music, books, life, pets, kids, love, pain, pain, and more pain. We were both going through difficult times in our marriages and separated from our spouses. Our pain brought us close together--too close. And because of that, our friendship had to end. Years later I yearn to have a friendship with my husband like I did with him. I talk to my husband and he hears me wrong or takes offense to my honesty. I dearly miss the husband I will never have.