In Love and Lonely

My wife is my best friend, smart, funny, driven.  She is sto stressed by work to the point of always being sick, sore, or stressed out.  We rarely spend time together and even though we have only been married over a year only make love every month or two.  I miss her and want to be there for her but I miss being physically intimate with her.  I am not a jerk or sex fiend, I am a good person, work hard, cook, help out with the house, and do whatever I can to help but to no avail.  The only time we are intimate is if we are isloated from work on vacation or long weekends.  Am I being selfish wanting this intimacy?  I feel alone all of the time, but do not want to add the extra stress of telling her this again and again.  I dont know what to do.  If anyone has advice please let me know. 
Desperate Desperate
36-40, M
15 Responses Oct 11, 2007

You're not being selfish. Our situations are reversed--I'm a wife living out this scenario. But husband or wife--it doesn't matter--the bottom line is it sucks to be the one who goes the extra mile and then it isn't reciprocated.

Your wife is very lucky to have a guy who is willing to help out around the house, works hard, loves her and wants to be intimate. Maybe she needs you to remind her of that. I second what somebody else said (though I struggle with it a ton)--sometimes you just have to open your mouth and put into words how you're feeling. Honesty. Without that you're going to get bitter and angry (trust me, I know). Consider counseling. While my husband and I were going to sessions together things were awesome between us. Not perfect but leaps and bound above where we were and where we were before we went.
And had I continued to be open and honest with him afterwards about how I was feeling/things I didn't like about our relationship--I don't think we would be back to square one. So...yes--say what you need to and keep trying if she's worth it to you is my advice.

Best of luck.

You're not being selfish, we all have needs and those needs need to be met. Stress is a big sexual inhibitor but you have to determine the root of her sress, if it's her job, determine how to balance it and leave work at work. I've made the mistake of neglecting my husband because of stress but nothing good from that a marriage or any relationship for that matter is like a flower, it can withstand a rain storm but also takes maintenance to keep it alive and vibrant. If she isn't willing to provide the proper tune ups to your relationship then maybe consider counsling- having an outsiders opinion usually helps. Good luck to ya

You're not being selfish. Sex and money are the top two reasons for divorce. I feel as though my relationship does not exist if it is not all inclusive. Like, sex, conversation, financial support from both sides, handling issues together, having fun together, progressing together. Sometimes you gotta open your mouth and put it into words a woman will understand. Just trying to have sex with her or give me that or whatever it is men usually say, is the LAST thing women usually want to hear. Tell her that you feel rejected and even unattractive when she does not want to get intimate with you. Most men cheat. You don't seem to be one of them and that alone you're doing correctly!

At least you do not have kids to complicate your time together. I would make an appointment to be with her, or even meet her somewhere each week, especially after work. I have be married for over 40 years but we make a point togetherness every Friday. Set a day that should not include her overtime at work, or a least a second day, but do it.

I don't think you are being selfish or a jerk. From a woman's perspective though, stress at work can really keep the mind in a place where you can't relax enough to go there. I personally have had that happen at a couple points in my life. I think if you want to help her relax, give her a full body massage. Resist the urge to turn it into something sexual though. If she becomes arroused though and indicates its a go then enjoy. If not, maybe the closeness of touching her body and enjoying that will at least bring some intimacy for you. Then keep doing it. This should show her that you love her and are willing to make her feel better. She will feel closer to you and be more willing to freely give herself to you.

if she loves her job, and you can afford it, why not plan a long weekend once a month. and tell her she need to take a vacation at least once every 3-4 months.Tell her its for her
mental and physical health. And on one of those quiet get a ways tell her that you miss her
and you need to be in her life more than a vacation buddy.

I used to work a high stress job and it drove me nuts. My husband was successful at unstressing me sometimes. But it came down to me having to leave to job because it was killing my spirit. It sounds like it is doing the same to your wife. And you could be the greatest guy in the world. But if she has a hard time letting go of the stress it wont matter how much you do because the problem isnt you. Its her job. Maybe its time to have a marital discussion about her job and the worry you have for her and your marriage.

Have you spoke with her about these feelings, you need to stress to her that you are feeling left out and would like her to relax more. There is more to life than work and show her your support. Try to set some time together once a week even if its not sex but a time and place that is your get away. Time that you guys have together and don't let friends, family or work interrupt. Marriage is hard work especially when someone is stressed out. But communicating and telling her how you feel is the first step.

Try showing affection outside the bedroom, as much as possible with no strings tied, and maybe she'll be in the mood, even when she thinks she's not. That's what I wish my husband would do!

i think you should go out more and find some guy friends to spend some time while she is busy.

Well... I'm a girl, so I can try to give you a woman's take on the situation. I find that when I'm extremely stressed out, I need someone to bring me back to earth. If my boyfriend sees me freaking out, he kisses me on the cheek and starts to massage my shoulders. It relaxes me and brings me back from my stressed frenzy. Try expressing your concern for her. Tell her that it pains you to see her that way, but don't forget to tell her how proud you are of her for her hard work. Just show her that you love and support her!

Hi gekitten, thank you for the comment... yes retired a few years...

Suggestion....Grab a BIG piece of paper...and take your time over this...days, weeks, whatever it takes to do it in detail...(this is about your life and your happiness and relationship may depend on you getting to the bottom of it)<br />
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Write down everything you feel....everything...and when you have thought of everything...leave it for a or two then go back and write a few more until you are really satisfied there isnt any more...(there will be)<br />
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Then look at what you think the problem is attached to each one separately and write it next to the feeling...again take your time...<br />
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The write all possible solutions that you can think of next to them and be creative about it...all possible solutions can take up a lot of room...<br />
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Then leave it alone for a while...and go back to it adding but do not delete or remove anything you have written no matter how wrong you may think it is...<br />
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Colour in the highest priority solutions you think would work the best....then select a different colour for the next highest priority and so on....<br />
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Then leave it for a while...and go back and see if you still agree with what you have chosen...<br />
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Then pick or make an appointment with your wife to have some time together....tell her you are taking her out....and dont tell her where...get a bottle of wine and organize a meal at your home (not away from home) this should not be difficult for you as she is away a lot of the time...let yourselves get dressed for it and put her in the car and drive her somewhere close and blindfold her and tell her its a surprise....and drive her back home and lead her inside and sit her down and tell her this is the beginning of her new life and its going to be probably the most significant for her and for you together....<br />
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Take her blindfold off and kiss her telling her you love her and care about her and her future so this evening is the most important for you both and to trust you etc etc etc...pour the wine and wine and dine her like you are courting...<br />
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After dinner start discussion about how you lives together can be....and if its appropriate tell her what you have done with the paper and why....and if she wants to see it to her and go through it...with no criticisms blame....see it as something outside of you both so you can both look at it together from the same angle...together solving the issues shared not against each other or just your problem but yours both together.......<br />
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Good luck...only a suggestion.. :)

Would you support her if she wanted to quit her job- even if it meant you would struggle financially?

Does she like her job?