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Marriage Is Hard, Is It Worth It?

My husband and I are like every couple, we go through the ups and downs of marriage.  The problem is that the downs out number the ups and are far worse than the ups are good.

I am lonely.  I can't put into words why though.  Other than we don't talk, we never hook up in the bedroom, and he skulks around the house like his life is miserable he is a good person.  He loves our children and is a very interactive father.  He doesn't beat me, have affairs , do drugs, or gamble away our money.  He comes home at night, sits down to dinner, helps with the dishes, homework, and putting the kids to bed.  I don't have a reason to complain.  Why do I feel so lonely then? 

I wish I could explain how it is here.
thunderbird thunderbird 31-35, F 44 Responses Oct 14, 2007

Your Response


If like me you've found out that the passion and interest has gone from your marriage, then I understand how you feel! I am still attracted to my wife and want so much more for us in a good sharing marriage but she is content just going through the motions. It is hard to work out what to do. There are so many things she won't speak about or put on the table to sort out which affects the other good areas of our marriage and as the list of taboo subjects grows, the good areas grow smaller and smaller. She won't divorce because she believes what's done is done but what a way to live our lives where she is content for a marriage missing such vital elements and hopes that I will be ok with it too since we never speak about it or what the future holds.

Has he spoken to you about how things are?

I've just seen this post is 7 years old so I hope there has been some great progress for you! So i'll post this anyway

This is how my wife is.


Sorry to be off topic, but I love your car.

On topic, may I suggest that you both need a change from everyday life ? Do something different together. Take a vacation, just you two. Put the children elsewhere for a night and surprise him with willing, wanton sex. Have a deep, intense conversation, uninterrupted, and honestly discuss how you feel. The man loves you, he'll listen if you pick the right time and don't slap him upside the head with it.

Why are you settling for this! take your life in your own hands and stir- things up. Start talking to him and tell him you need romance, not just sex, which your aren't getting either, but romance! women need romance. Tell him to start suing his words and don't cut off his balls because he isn't a woman. Study and find out how men are different then women. Melt your life together with activities together. Join a activity together. Get going and get your life back together If he doesn't want to divorce him and find someone else that is alive

I can relate.
perhaps it is the lack of that connection. lack of affection. lack of interest in each other. Maybe you do not purposely set aside time to be alone and be romantic. This is true in my marriage but my wife is not capable of these things due to her mental illnesses and so, I lead a lonely life and have come to the conclusion: is that really so bad ? I can count on myself and do not need anyone else around as they tend to disappoint me, put me down, bring me down, beat me down, or hold me back. I think if I were all alone I could manage to be happy ! I do have my 3 young boys (ages 9, 7 and 4) to think about and they are my world right now. Without them, I know life would not be the same quality it is now.

agree with akscott men are really different than women not always bad but being in a long marriage we are more like casual friends than lifemates.i don't know why this happens,i try not to get my hopes up w/my husband,expect too much and try not too get too close cause I just end up getting hurt everytime.all marriages seems to grow apart its just a matter of time.

Ask him what is bothering him or why he might be unhappy. You might be surprised at the response.

I think I married your husband's twin.

Great guy all around but just a very emotionally distant husband. Am guessing as women, all of this is nice and good, what our husbands do and we are thankful for it but we want something more, an emotional connection, not a whole lot but maybe a little romance, a need to be treated more than a mother, cook, housekeeper etc.

There is something very satisfying to have someone just listen when we talk especially when the talk does not revolve around usual household stuff, kids etc. As for the not hooking up, I live in that town too and I think everyone has a basic need to feel wanted and loved, it's a basic human emotion ...hopefully your hubby wakes up to that 9 so does mine ).

You know what I do everytime I have a girlfriend or boyfriend. I always look at how bad other treat their spouse and then I look at mine. Just sit back and look at it, look at home many times husband disrespect their wife, how many times you see on the news where a man beats his wife, a man has an affair and gets another woman pregnant. Just look at all that and look at your husband and thank God that you have him and he don't treat you like that. Then if you want more sex where the kids are not around out of no where give him a blow job and then ask him to do it to you. I am telling you it works.

Have you talked to him about it?? Just be like, "I've noticed that you seem unhappy, what can I do to help? or Do you want to talk about it?" But, don't push! If he feels like you're pushing or pressuring him, he'll withdraw farther. I hope things work out for you.

I lived that life for a long time, until I found someone temporarly. Didn't change anything but how much I truly liked my life with my hubby. Fast forward 15 years and was faithful that whole time. Well he found my best friend. Or should I say she became my friend to take my hubby. He left me for her. He regrets it. My advice marriage is not a life sentence but it is worth working your butt off to keep it going. If I could do it all over again I would be celebrating my 30th anniversary instead of only 28. Hang in there, talk talk talk. the grass in never greener on the other side.

You feel lonely because you and your hubby no longer, er, stimulate each other. It might be that you have just became busier people, and while you don't mean too, you just take each other from granted.

You need to try and talk to him and see whether you can get the communication and the spark back....I am sure it existed at some point. Last resort you could always get a sitter for the kids, and take yourselves away for a weekend. ;-)

Best of luck! xoxo

Wow, maybe you guys got too busy with work and kids that forgot about the two of you as a couple. Have you talked to him?? My husband is totally opposite, no work, no help with kids, no help w the house. Hope it gets better.

ThAt guy sounds a lot like me. For me it is simple. My wife treats me with no respect. She is controlling and abusive. I get blamed for everything. All I do is work while she runs around with her girlfriends and spends us into debt. So I work more. So she spends more. Now she threatens divorce constantly. It's a power thing. I get no affection. Not even a kiss. Never a thank you. Yet I keep trying. I don't know why. Over the years I've just grown numb. Girls if you are reading this. Save your marriage by respecting your hard working man. Thank him often encourage and support him. Have great sex often and at least pretend to want and desire him. We aren't stupid just different. Sorry for the rant. I had a bad day

i spend alot of time working while he hasnt had a job in 5 years and loves spending his time on do you respect a guy like that?

sonds like hes being everything but your friend and husband,your being neglected,he sounds like a good guy,and is probably tired if hes working and doing all thatstuff at home to,he seems to half kind of left you to yourself,

Your missing the time out together, so schedule it and see if he will agree, at least once a month. With my marriage, we went out every Friday night, for the last 30 years, so that works.

because their is no intimacy no quality time. he is providing all the basic means for the family and household but forgetting the private needs of the woman he is suppose to love and make feel beautiful and safe...I know because I have your same cry. you want to know that your wanted and appreciated you want to be physically LOVED! too and because that desire for you he use to have is not there you feel lonely! they think providing is enough!

Does not sound like like together time because of work or kids. All couples have to have time out even if someone baby sits two hours a week. Set a date, order tickets and child care. Yea it cost but you can fine a way if you care about keeping your marriage another 50 years.

I don't know what your marital situation is now (since you wrote this back in 2007) but try bringing the affection back into your marriage. Maybe it's too soon for sex, (since it's been so long), but try hugging, holding hands, etc. Thank him for being a good husband and father. It sounds like he loves you and the kids and he probably feels lonely too. It sounds like you both need to be more affectionate and maybe that will lead to more spice in the bedroom. :)

Sounds like the emotional bond is broken between the two of you. We all need to feel wanted and loved. To just cuddle and be hugged sometimes. Sure, sex is important....but shouldn't it be Making Love, not just sex? My wife and I have lost that emotional's just two people living in the same house.

Just my 2 cents

because a woman needs to ravaged sexually from time to time.... just to remind her that she's a woman.

same here ...a lack of passion and fun. everything too proper...but hubby seems perfectly happy with things that way. if i try to talk to him, hes offended. seems what makes him happy should be all i need too. it is lonely. i feel for you x

I can tell you that there are two possible explanations.

1). You have fallen into a routine and have ignored each others needs. You don't communicate about it, and just let it be. This leads to complacency, which leads to boredom, which leads to dissatisfaction, and that leads to badness.

2). You love each other but aren't in love with each other.

Human beings live by the hedenic principle. Big events tend to degrade aggressively in our mind, for example the day you get married. If that truly made is happy, no one would get divorced. It's the little things that make us happy. Platonic relationships, small displays of affection, and tiny daily events. These things define happiness for us.

So if we don't put the effort to do more than the routine then we will not be happy. And this goes for any marriage. This isn't Disney and most of us don't just love happily ever after. It requires patience and work.

I think you need to have some fun together without the children if possible. It sounds like from what you are saying the marriage is a little stuck and its easy to get into unhealthy habits - believe me I know. Also maybe meet with your own friends and have some fun!

You do not have any intimacy in your life, something that everyone needs. You want to feel like you are desired and wanted and to be kissed and feel like a woman.

I don't know why you are lonely but you should consider yourself lucky. He helps with the kids and helps around the house as well as going to work that is truly a blessing. Maybe you should plan a date night once a month with him, get a baby sitter and you guys go out on a date. Or plan a weekend get away some times when we are married our relationship becomes too routine. Try something different you both might need some excitement.

Perhaps he's lonely, too. Knowing what little I do about your marriage, this looks fixable. For your sake I pray I am right. Some of us here aren't so lucky.

I wish you would be more specific, why do you not talk? Is it because he doesn't want to or because he doesn't hear what you are saying, or maybe because you both don't want to. Why do you not hook up in the bedroom? Because, a lack of turn on, no one is trying, or maybe because he is not interested. I am sorry you are not happy, however it sounds like nothing that can not be changed.

You need more from life. There is no passion. Life is passing by...

I agree, you only go around once and this isn't practice.

For the most part the parts about marriage that are bad overshadow the good that should be there. The day after day heatrbreak and lonliness out weigh the good feelings that once were there. I have found that there is a place in marriage where even having sex does no touch the deep down sadness of realizing you are in a dead end relationship that has a 1 % chance of making you really happy or fulfilled. Why stay married if you have to drink, drug, cheat, hoard, become a shopaholic or some other crazy coping mechanism just to survive in it? What is the point anyway, when the love is gone and the sex is old/bad/uninspired/stale?

I agree if the love is gone it is not fair to you or the person that loves you to stay. Except make sure the love is gone, before you give up.