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I'm Losing Myself

I am lonely in a marriage of 5 years.  I have always been able to keep my spirits up and have mostly kept my temper under control.  I even had friends in high school joke that I was so even keeled that one day I was just going to blow up from the pressure building inside.  Others often describe me as a happy person, always smiling, but I am finding it harder and harder within my marriage to find that person that I've always been.  I'm losing myself to negativity from comments that are constantly bombarding me, straight out of my husbands mouth, and now I'm feeling so lonely.  He is supposed to be my husband not my critic, not my roommate.  He is not abusive and he is not unfaithful and could NEVER be that I am sure, in fact he is very passive, not expressive, not attentive, and he views his negativity as a good trait and sometimes uses it as a "joke".   I constantly ask him to stop being negative, and I constantly give him positive feedback and reassurance, and all that I'm left with is very basic conversations that trivialize everything that I do. 

These are my thoughts as I'm trying to fall asleep tonight crying my eyes out: I sleep wierd, I don't get up at the right time, I don't have the right attitude in the morning, I'm a stay at home mom and that's not good enough, his lunch is always too hot or too cold, I clean up wrong, I clean too much, The house is a mess, the carpet that's falling apart doesn't need replaced, I let the kid's "destroy" the house, I can never make up my mind about dinner, what I want for dinner is not good, dinner is judged on a scale of one to ten because there's always a need for improvement, if I give his dinner a ten I must be lying, I'm sick all the time, I am too hard on the kids, I never go outside with him to help with his projects (which I do all the time), when I help him he's constantly talking about how I don't really want to be helping, I spend too much time working on my church work (6-9 hours a week), I spend too much time in the shower (10 minutes tops!), I'm wrong that the water in the bathroom smells musty, I didn't shave my legs, I stay up too late, and so on and so on. 

It's wearing me thin and since the birth of our youngest one year ago, I haven't had the physical energy (I was sick for 6 months and am still healing) or mental energy (don't sleep much with baby hours) to deal with this negativity and lack of help in disciplining our children and he doesn't seem to think the house rules and chores apply to him.  I feel like an evil mutant of the person I was a year and a half ago. I hate how I treat the kids. And this kind of interaction doesn't breed fondness and loving encounters from my perspective, but he expects that despite whatever happens I should still have sexual closeness to him or, in his perspective, I'm going to leave him, which I would never. On that note sexual encounters are rare and mostly for him, and the only day to day touching is him grabbing my butt, and either a very light goodnight kiss or a sloppy drooling kiss, and if by chance he puts his hand on my hand and squeezes it, if I let him know it feels nice he immediately stops.  I am not the perfect wife either, but man I was trying my best and he wore me down to loneliness.

mechgirl mechgirl 31-35, F 32 Responses Oct 5, 2009

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I dont want to criticize You but why have more kids with that jerk?...after first one ..??.....
Haven't You notice how badly he treats You ?...
also You are enabling him ...he is not afraid of You and has no respect for You ..You are becoming a doormat......):....it sucks ..trust me I know......):
maybe You need to become more independent ..ask family members for help or come out with some plan how to become strong ,make your own money You simply must !!! ...
find few ppl online with whom You can share Your sadness and joy........ if he will not improve...
he takes You for granted ........):
there are many women in Your situation unfortunately ....
You are not alone......


dont let him own Your life ...fight for Your independence....

When you give up who you are to be a partner with someone else, it's time to call it quits and go back to the person you were. I'm really sorry you feel this way. After 30 years of marriage, I lost who I am and was. She continually tried to keep me from being that person. I have moved out and have never been happier.

This isn't a marriage, it's a concentration camp. You two need therapy but I'm sure he won't go, if that's the case you need it just to maintain whatever sanity you have left.

Wait till hes out...have the locks changed and throw all HIS **** on the front lawn.
Or you can do what i done...
My ex husband was a bitter twisted sod just like yours.
I used to cook him up nice meatloaf (made from dog food)
Put liquid laxettes in his cup of tea..EVERY time he was an abusive ***...put it this way
He was ******** a lot.
Made me feel so much better..lol
I put up with it for 22 years. Then one day just had enough grabbed my 4 children and left.

You deserve better.WAY BETTER !

You are a galley slave, not a wife. And the captain of the ship might as well be physically abusive since he's doing the same thing to you mentally. For the sake of your own sanity you have to get a life for yourself. This is killing you.

I'm sorry that your are going through this. I was viewing some of the comments but I didn't see the correct one out of the few that I read. You are being emotionally and verbal abused. You are depressed from the exposure to tbe violence being done to your heart. You need to see outside help with this before it destroys you completely....

I am sorry .... You could be married to me it sounds so very like our relationship. My Wife are going through a similar thing but I've been trying to see and read it from her point of view and you tick all the boxes! I do hope it works out for you both.

my wife is your husband,every word out of her mouth is negative,yelling about something,everything is wrong,constantly telling me how much better everyone else does or how the neighbors yard is better than mine,when i hear her voice it makes me ill,she has sucked all my good creative fun energy out of me,im just a shell that goes to work and watches tv like a zombie at night and cant sleep,i get maybe 3or 4 hours if lucky,when she aint around i am a whole diffrent person

It's hard when you have those children. .. try and find an outlet for yoursel. . I have been married for 27 years, have been to counseling on several occasions, and it has worked as a band aid for a while. . . but the main thing you need to know is, be strong within yourself, and try and focus on your children. . . I really think that most men are missing a "chip" when it comes to filling your needs. . . I finally raised two wonderful children, but I do feel like I did it alone. . . my husband supported us financially, but did not participate in a healthy family way. . he was raised in a very disfunctional family, and had I known what the percussions would be from that, might not have entered a serious relationship with him in the first place. Is this the best scenario? Certainly not! But when my children got older, I pursued a "career" (that my husband still doesnt really acknowledge) that is very positive for me, as are my children. . . . we can't have it all. . .I do not have a "happy" marriage. . . but you cant have everything! I am grateful for a full life in other ways. . . just being realistic. . . it's not that our marriage is bad, it just isnt the best it could be, but one person cannot do all that work!

wow your husband and my wife should be together i do it all in the house and get the same thing your story is my story and im glad i found this site to open up and share it its been soo long people dont ask why i dont smile cause they know they only time i smile is when she is not here and im watching football i mean if i had someone to talk to or do things with i would happy for go watching football lol yes i said that ..

I googled "I'm married and feel..." then auto-fill added "...lonely", then I saw your post. You said it ALL!! People have been telling me on Facebook to leave him and have a divorce but I don't want to do that. Kids are not happy and like Dad better than me because I don't smile and I yell at kids all day long. As soon as I woke up this morning, I cried within 20 minutes. You know why? I found an empty 2-liter soda bottle with urine inside it ON the clean laundry pile leaking. I yelled at my eldest and my husband watched. Then I calmed down and began to do laundry again, my husband says to me, "I peed in it because the bathroom reeks of ammonia." I told him I CLEANED it with the damn Clorox spray! He says it still reeks and that he's gonna hire his sister to clean up the bathroom. I'm thinking that it's in his damn head and told him to shove it up his butt! He said, Thanks, and left for work. What the hell. Ugh. Now my day is shot.

I googled "I'm married and feel..." then auto-fill added "...lonely", then I saw your post. You said it ALL!! People have been telling me on Facebook to leave him and have a divorce but I don't want to do that. Kids are not happy and like Dad better than me because I don't smile and I yell at kids all day long. As soon as I woke up this morning, I cried within 20 minutes. You know why? I found an empty 2-liter soda bottle with urine inside it ON the clean laundry pile leaking. I yelled at my eldest and my husband watched. Then I calmed down and began to do laundry again, my husband says to me, "I peed in it because the bathroom reeks of ammonia." I told him I CLEANED it with the damn Clorox spray! He says it still reeks and that he's gonna hire his sister to clean up the bathroom. I'm thinking that it's in his damn head and told him to shove it up his butt! He said, Thanks, and left for work. What the hell. Ugh. Now my day is shot.

sorry to hear about you,, How many kids you have from him?? Since how long you are in relation with her and how long for you got marry?

I am so sorry you are having to live this kind of life. You are obviously very young with a young family. Your life is not going to change, unless you make a change now. I have lived your life and I have now been married for 38 years. I did leave at one time, with four young children. (There are provisions for young mothers with children). Yet, when my sons shoes were no longer wearable, I decided I needed to make this marriage work no matter what. So, I moved back so that my children could have the necessities I could not give them. <br />
I now have four children out of college and married. It is just me and my husband. He knows he was a horrible husband and sometimes he still is. He takes several kinds of medication for manic/depressive behavior. His meds work for him as long as he takes it. <br />
I know my heart is damaged and I there will be good days and bad. I have found in my older age, that I can go to the casino about an hour away and forget my problems. I went this weekend and my true colors appeared. I kept spending money without any feelings about doing it. THAT IS NOT ME. I am sure all of my past abuse, mentally and physically has now surfaced. I had no intentions of doing such a thing, but when I was trying to do something nice for my husband Friday afternoon, he yelled at me and I left and went to the casino. Now I know, I have a problem with me and need to deal with me. My husbands reaction from me over spending is again, mental abuse and physical. I am the cause of all his problems, he says. <br />
<br />
I am trying to tell you to move on with your life, for you and the children. He will never change. Many, many, many things I could say, but would take too long. <br />
<br />
I wish you the best and hope you do not wait too long to make a change in your life.

Your husband sounds alot like my boyfriend and a little like my 2nd husband concerning feeling like a sex ob<x>ject. I really feel for you, and I urge you to read my story: "Pets Get More Love Than Me" cuz we're in a very similar situation. Also, I'm reading a great book right now: "Loving Him Without Losing You" by Beverly Engel....I've just started reading it but it's helping me like this blog site to feel NOT alone. Just know that you are a special person or God wouldn't have created you-and that none of us should judge our worth by our mates...because probably our mates are taking out on us what they really don't want to face about themselves. Hang in there!

I agree you need to find something outside of the house. Can you visit a gym and swim for a while? It is hard to be motivated and happy in the house all day I know because I am there too. I have to go somewhere every other day to get a sense of the world out there. Sounds like he is using you as a punching bag---verbally. Have you ever stood up to him and told him to shut up and quit talking to you like that. Show a little self respect and tell him to back off. It doesn't sound as if he thinks highly of you at all,.your actions are confirming his thoughts. good luck , it cannot be easy w/ new baby.

Dear MECH, <br />
<br />
You're either stupid or an idiot, not much difference, eh? The bastard 'feeding' of you! Get outta there! FAST!

I feel your pain...i cried for 2 hours yesterday, he was hungry for lunch so he took a second to ask me what was wrong but really, i think he just needed me to get myself together so that we could go eat! His responses to my pleas with him to be more attentive and loving...without expecting anything return fell on deaf and confused ears! I am begining to think that he is not capable of giving me what I need emotionally! Do we give up? I am really afraid of looking for emotional support elseware...how about you?

My husband allows me to have protected sex with strangers because he thinks sex is what I needed to release my stress. Okay, I'm taking him up on that! At least, I could get away for the night with him watching the sleeping kids. I don't look forward to the sex part and I sometimes ask the regular men if I could just be there and watch TV with them instead of having sex. To my amazement, 80% said yes! They usually are divorced and they understand. I am sad that I have no friends and don't get out of the house during the day, so I gotta take what I can have. My husband has NO CLUE that sex is NOT what I need. Gee!

I completely understand where you are coming from... and I feel for you.<br />
<br />
A month ago, I left my husband. We had been together for 11 years and I really loved him, deeply and with great respect. I didn't marry him until we had spent 7 years in a relationship as I needed to feel we had a history of working through issues before I could make that commitment. We spent 5 years in therapy together facing off on the big issues and for the most part, were able to deal with them.<br />
<br />
I saw over time, however, that by virtue of his personality, not much in life really satisfied him, and it started to dawn on me that I could no longer accept being one of many things he complained about on a daily basis. We do not have children together so that was one less worry when I decided to leave. I felt like I had lost who I was on a core level as I had have a hard heart to live with his endless frustrations.<br />
<br />
I share this with you because I finally understood that I just have this one life and I am better alone in it and lonely than with a man whose behaviour does not enhance my life and in fact, hurts me deeply. I hope you find you way with what you are experiencing. Know that you are deserving of love and respect - if you can't find a way to get that with your husband, start thinking about what a new life without him could be. We are 100% behind you. Good luck.

Perfectly said. I left my husband of 28 years and I have never felt such peace. Yes, there is loneliness and sometimes it feels like it won't go away. But, I was lonely with him. Life is much more peaceful without the indifference, dirty looks, disappointing looks, and comments. Phew! So much better now. And my children learn from watching and they are seeing that putting up with all that crap is not worth it no matter what reason you put with it. Big HUGS for you!

Living and partly living ... All that is is the present. The past cannot be changed. Live for today so<br />
that tomorrow will delight.<br />
<br />
I find that I am unable to deal with others' emotions. I was brought up in a dysfunctional famly and<br />
now I hAve little feeling for my children and even my vivacious grandchildren. I need tending<br />
before b y dried up emotons wither completely.

Living and partly living ... All that is is the present. The past cannot be changed. Live for today so<br />
that tomorrow will delight.<br />
<br />
I find that I am unable to deal with others' emotions. I was brought up in a dysfunctional famly and<br />
now I hAve little feeling for my children and even my vivacious grandchildren. I need tending<br />
before b y dried up emotons wither completely.

I am with you sister, I live in the same marriage. I joke that I didn't know that I was such an idiot until I married 15 years ago. My husband has gotten worse with age and I can't get him in to counseling. Every time we have gone he decides that it is a bunch of "psycho-babble" and never goes back. I think that as soon as we are financially stable again, I am out of here. I can't take much more. May I suggest some good books? You need to read them without him seeing but these helped put my marriage in to perspective for me. 1) Why Does He Do That? 2) Verbal Abusers Speak Out-By Patricia Evans They are very empowering books.

I too am married to a woman that never cared and never was there for me, in every sense. constant criticism and blaming me for everything. she was always 'right' and i was always 'wrong'. i never knew what the hell was going on with her, she kept me confused and frustrated for all of our marriage. we have been married 37 years and it was only recently i discovered she was a full blown narcissist. you folks that have spouses that are this detached from your marriage need to go online and research narcissistic personality disorder. it can be cured but it takes patience and a lot of strength and will power on your part. but if you really love them it will be worth it.

My husband has this "It's my way or no way!" thing with him that I absoutely hate.

You are doing to much to try to win over your husband's approval. Get a babysitter to give yourself a few nights off every week, and get a hobby that makes YOU happy. good luck i really feel for you!

A "FEW" nights off "EVERY" week??????????
Oooh, is that possible!?! :)

You definitely need to rediscover what makes you happy. Babysitters are a must whether you can afford them or not. All of what you said is so familiar and I wish I'd had someone back then to tell me what to do. The criticisms will continue to eat you alive with resentment; even if he does change and start appreciating all that you do, those harsh words just keep ringing on...

I've been down this road and remember the knot in my stomach it caused.<br />
As soon as we had children it split our time apart.<br />
My partner had to drag me to my first counselling session, yet after that, I was more than willing to go.<br />
We met some great people whom where looking for their answers too<br />
One fellow said "I can't trust my wife". We all thought he ment she was being unfaithful, but he said "No, if I tell her something about myself which shows a vulnerable side of me; I can't trust that she won't throw it back in my face at a later date when she's angry".<br />
Interesrting point.. Can you trust your partner, and can they trust you?<br />
<br />
Then one day, a friend Jim whom had been doing a lot of work as a couple said something profound.<br />
<br />
We all are looking for that perfect partner, so I keep in mind that healthy people don't attract unhealthy people; we get what we give off. <br />
My partner is wanting for a good partner too; so ask myself if I'm the good partner they are looking for.. We both must give something for it to work".<br />
It's been 15 years since we first met this couple; just last year Jim died of a massive heart attack.<br />
<br />
It goes by so quickly, your life, your partners life, our kids grow up so fast...<br />
Live with passion, give more than you expect to get back in return.<br />
Love every moment you can; the bad time help the good much better.<br />
Learn to grow together as a family or watch it fade to a house full of strangers..<br />
Don't get caught up in the money trap.. You'd give it all away to have one more day the day after the end...

i He needs to grow up. He doesnt appreciate what you do. He should be helping instead of putting you down all the time. its a partnership you should be halping each other. It sounds like you do everything and all he does is ridicule you . I cant judge you or tell you what to do but I dont think I could stay with a man like him. Years form now you may look back on the time wasted with him if he doesnt change his ways.

I think you need to start doing things to make you feel good about you. Forget your husband if he is not there for you be there for yourself.<br />
<br />
You can't change him, he has to change himself.<br />
<br />
If he puts his hands on you in the wrong way then call the police on him. Let him know you're serious if it ever comes to that.<br />
<br />
Think about getting a job even if it is part-time enough only to put the baby in daycare.

In reading your comments I wonder if this is how my wife saw me. We divorced this week after nearly 30 years. <br />
<br />
She says I never helped her unless she asked. I know that is true, but when she asked I was willing to help. <br />
<br />
She called herself a single parent, but I coached rec basketball, took the boys to sports events, went to all of their activities I could. Maybe I tried to be the fun parent, and didn't do enough to discipline them or make sure chores were done. I worked in NY with a substantial commute and long hours and some long distance travel, so I wasn't available much during the week.<br />
<br />
Money was pretty good, but she became distant. Now I'm over 60 and can't find any work but adjunct teaching. She says I don't try hard enough, and I realize that I could always try harder. Teaching 4 classes right now plus mentoring doctoral candidates on line. Still only 15% of what I made before, if that.<br />
<br />
I don't know where we went wrong, but I love her and miss the closeness we once shared. When we talk she often has a hard shell that appears like an act to keep me at a distance. We have 3 kids, two grown and one almost grown.

You WENT to your kids' activities? Aw. She should be blessed! *****.

Dear mechgirl, <br />
I feel like you have described my marriage too. Reading your story and the following comments made me realize that his attitude and behaviors are not conducive of a good marriage. Part of me feels I am responsible because I have accepted it for too long. I am growing tired of being disrespected but mostly fearful for my 2 little girls growing in this environment. Maybe we can help each other.