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My Wife Shows No Affection

I am a 39 year old man in pretty good shape, 6'2" and fairly good looking.  I am a very affectionate and loving person, but my wife is not.  I am always the one to initiate sex, hugs, kisses, or any type of physical contact.  I don't understand why she's so cold to me.  I love her with all my heart, but she is breaking me down.  I have tried doing more of the housework, working out 5 days a week, anything I could think of to get her more interested in me but nothing works.  She tells me that she loves me, but she doesn't make me feel loved at all.  I want her to want to be with me without me asking her too.  We have 2 kids that I am committed to being here for, so I am at a loss as to what I should do.  Sorry for rambling.

raptor660 raptor660 36-40, M 270 Responses Nov 18, 2009

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With all do respect, I am new to this site. I am seeking advice from those that hat are in similar situations as I am. But as I seek help I read your post. I must say I felt as if you were speaking of me. My husband would agree with you 100%. Yet I must say that i believe your wife loves you dearly. You see I love my husband soo much,but have issues initiating intercourse. Especially if we are upset with one another. It is a result from my childhood. I hate it, i wish it wouldn't be like that. I even cry and pray about it,because I love him . Yet I am the most loving mother constantly hugging and kissing our children. It wasn't like this when we meet. We've been married 17years. He had an affair with that i build a wall that i felt would protect my heart. But i know in my heart that he is the love of my life.

You have two options. Look for another life, or except the one your in, she will not change. Possibly you may try daily speak sessions to increase her understanding of your needs, but you will have to keep at it for as long as it takes, and do not let up or give up.

I hope things have gotten better in the 5 years since this post, but experience tells me probably not. I could have written this in 2009, and nothing has changed. She still tells me she loves me, but she has no interest in physical intimacy. What do you do then? That is a terrible place to be in, because if she is not intimate with you because she does not love you, you can just end the relationship and look for someone who does love you. but when she loves you but does not desire you ... you can't leave (at least not without feeling like a complete A HOLE). Its the worst kind of manipulation, and the best way for her to make sure you dont get any sex. Whether she sees it that way or not, that is the way it is!!

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Hello Raptor660,

I'm happy that I found this because i feel like i'm going through the same thing. I guess misery loves company. At the moment i'm a student and she works full time (Used to be the other way around) so when she comes from work or we meet up from our busy day, we give each other a hug/kiss - Its routine, you know. But i feel disconnected. My wife actually was very affectionate before and now she is not. Its like something changed and all i can think about is maybe the stress from work. I initiate sex, hugs, and kisses when its out of the norm. Lack of sex has caused arguments between us as well. What felt like a blow to me today was when she went to sleep and didn't even say good night or that she was going to sleep. Normally she will say good night or something. Might sound petty to some, but when i'm dealing with other "lack of affections", Its a punch to the stomach as well. I'm not sure, i guess i feel a bit lost. I am 31 years old, i love my wife, and i feel committed to my daughter as well so i don't plan to just up and leave, but feeling alone is not how i want to live. sorry if i rambled as well.

Same boat man..lost cause in my eyes lol maybe the next life or divorce which ever comes sooner. :(

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I'm your mirror image sir....in the exact same spot

I just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I really love Louis so much that i can not even do without. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce... I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn't want to loose him but everything just didn't work out... He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man who eventually helped me out with spell... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used herbs... Within 2 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news... Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... NOTE THAT he will ask you to pay a small token amount of money to get the materials to work for you. You can email DR SANJAY via (sanjaylandofsolution606@gmail . com) Don't give up just yet, the different between "Ordinary" & "Extra-Ordinary" is the "Extra" so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it.

Seriously? Cut the crap and selling your friends **** isn't going to bring his life a more suitable wife.

It's hurt. M same boat

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I am a wife who is cold and insulting to my husband. My bipolar medicine usually helps, but I have been out of it for quite a while. I feel disrespected by my domineering husband, and he has a drinking problem, which makes it worse. We went through hard times for several years and made many mistakes in our relationship with each other, and the trust is gone. My husband has heroically provided a home for me, dispite his poor health, but our relationship has ended. We now rag on each other, and my love for him left long ago. I keep trying to sabotage our marriage so he will leave. That is where we are today

Sweet thanks for your rediculously sad crappy relationship that has nothing to do with the topic. Please cut your crap

Like I tell everyone with this problem. You gonna have to go by what I say and don't wimp out if you really want your marriage to work. The key is to the solution is that you have to do the total opposite of everything that you do now. You not interesting anymore. Not the person she fell in love with. Before, you use to go out with your friends and do things with out letting her know every little detail but now your hen peck and you are up under her too much. So go out, enjoy your life and have fun and when she see you having fun she'll want to join in. It's like a game and you have to win. But...... Once you start don't you dare start feeling bad or pitiful for her and go back to your old ways. You have to keep up this persona from now on. I know it goes against your feelings but it's better to use your head because your feelings always want to lead and take charge but great things happen when we use our head.

This my friend is truth. I do believe this and have noticed that she acts different when I have fun with my military buddies at the house or down the road at a bar for a beer or two. But, I do see a childish side of her wanting to tell mom dad my parents her friends all kinds of rude and persecuting crap that I literally never did. Just being rude to me after its all said and done. I do know where your coming from with that observation so to speak

Your wife does not respond, because you were a puppy dog all your life, and you cannot change that now, it is a established norm for good. Get another wife, but this time be a real man and not a needy mother ****** who needs sex and love to be alive. Act like, she is not the only game in town. She has to be part of your life, not all of it--but you made her to be all of it--a mistake. Stop throwing your *** at women, have some self respect. No self respect, no women, will attach to you in the long run, regardless of your status in real life. I take it back, you may find some sick needy women just like yourself to cling to you. But relationship based on need soon will become vain and suffocating.

Agreed

Heyguys ive been married 33years sept 19. my wife shows almost No affection for last 10 years, I am lonely in my own bed and she is getting one last chance on our anniversary then Im taking my affection elsewhere. Im 52 years old with a muscular build, for now and Ill be damned if going to spend my last 25 years feeling like this

Go getm!

Look, I do not understand why people think, relationships must last forever--they do not--they have a time stamp. Just learn to be happy with you--develop your own interest outside of a women. Divorce ASAP, if it is disturbing your peace, with or without children. Hire a prostitute to satisfy your sexual needs. Love only exist when you are a teenager and have hearts not calculators. I love divorce!

Doesn't get any better.... married 17 years now and same crap... get out early while you can...just waiting to divorce after the kids leave home.

It hurts.
I'm in same boat

The key is to the solution is that you have to do the total opposite of everything that you do now. You not interesting anymore. Not the person she fell in love with. Before, you use to go out with your friends is do things with out letting her know every little detail but now your hen peck and you are up under her too much. So go out, enjoy your life and have fun and when she see you having fun she'll want to join in. It's like a game and you have to win. But...... Once you start don't you dare stay feeling bad or pitiful for her and go back to your old ways. You have to keep up this persona from now on. I know it goes against your feelings but it's better to use your head because your feelings always want to lead and take charge but great things happen when we use our head.

I am currently dealing with the same thing, have you had any progress?

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I swear i thought i was writing this. I am going through the same exact thing...My wife and i are high school sweethearts been together five years before marriage, lived together for 3 of that 5, Now we have been married a year and she used to show such warm heartfelt affection it declined some around year 4-5 and then as soon as she said I do, she just completely went cold to me. I lost twenty pounds thinking that it might be that i gained some weight. I went to a counselor thinking that it was me, and learned how to communicate my feelings and tell her. Every time i bring it up she tells me that I am being ridiculous and annoying. I told her i need things to change, that i cant handle how cold she is to me. Still not a thing changes. I love her with all my heart and try everything i can think of and nothing changes. Friends and family are all concerned as well, it is that noticeable. She says i keep her up, i am not even allowed to sleep in the bed until she is asleep because my reading or me being there keeps her up and annoys her. I want to work at it but i dont know how much more i can take. We dont have kids, what should i do...

She needs to get that "you annoy me" crap and shove it man. I wouldn't put up with that. That's a long dead road ahead in my eyes. I'm kind of in the same boat.

Nothing.just make feel her that u having affiar with some one.

Like all the others I am experiencing the same. Ive been married before, have a son with my previous and been in various relationships with differing scenarios. The hardest thing to find is a common place and a place in which both parties feel the common ground. Life is full of so many things both good and bad, happy and sad. Trying to find the balance is very difficult. My fiance and I love all the same things, sex drive is good on both parts however I am so much more affectionate. She had told me of some abusive things in her past as a child and was very open and forthcoming to tell however to discuss for long is cut short quickly as im sure for her is still hard to discuss. I thought ive had connections in previous relationships but her and I connect well and everything feels perfect except her ability to be more forward when it comes to showing affection. She said it makes her feel not so good or awkward. I wish I could help her feel more love. I don't know if she interprets love as a direct correlation to what others mentioned as apologies to abusive acts when they were younger. If it is the case I can understand but the sad part is they miss out on being so loved. Something so many people wish they had and unfortunate that those who can have it cannot internalize the true meaning of love because for them its associated with horrible acts of abuse. All I can do is love her like I know and try to understand that she can only love me as much as she knows to. I wish you all the best and hope you can all find your "Common Ground"

I am the one that is not showing enough affection! I am not cheating and do not wish to be in a different relationship. I love my husband with all my heart body and soul, however it is hard to show affection because of my past. affection was given as an apology for abuse, or as a coax for sexual abuse. maybe your spouse has a past, dont jump to the conclusion that they are cheating.

You describe exactly how my husband is making me feel at the moment. It's a lonely existence, even lonelier than my single days.

Everyone blames the man. That is B.S. Women can be bad news as wives and mothers. I know I am married to one. After 10 years of what I thought was a great marriage and it was, she told me her obligation was done. Also she said she only married me because she thought it was "time" to do so. She stopped caring for our children at this point as well. All she ever cares about now is herself. Period. Have not had sex with her in too many years to even think about. I will not divorce her because that is what she wanted after 10 years. Too bad. Im not gona hand over half of what I built to a horrible person. Thats what she counted on and its not gona happen. The best thing that has happened about this is I have developed much greater relationships with my children.

Amen!

I'm feeling the same! What is it with these women! We do all they ask for and beyond and then nothing in return! Then they wonder why we start looking for that attention else where!

Preach it! Perfect!

Wow,
I'm in the exact same boat or hell that is described above.

I don't know what to do any longer.

Thought it was me wrote this. Exactly my situation . I'm starting to think she's cheating and when I speak my mind she calls me a weirdo haha. This is probably from no affection she also talks to me different then others she is more interested in others convo than mine . I don't know I'm glad I'm not the only one goin through this.

Guys,when your wife suddenly becomes cold and distance.She may be cheating. Check it out !

I am in a similar boat, my wife and I have been married for about 8 years , been together around 12. When we met she was a student , now she has her masters and is an excellent kindergarten teacher. I am proud of her but in the past year she has become quite cold and distant. We see each other so very little and she chooses extra time at work instead of taking time on us. She never initiates any type of affection anymore it always has to be me. She has begun to just not call me after work and stay late. I dont know what to do at this point we have three children , it breaks my heart every second of every day but trying to be open and honest with her only makes her lash out, and accuse me of trying to control her life.

Im at my end. I dont want a life without her but its so very saddening to love someone so much and not feel it in return.. thanks for letting me vent here.

Im not trying to be funny here, but, I believe your wife may be having an affair. Before others become completely unglued by that seemingly subjective statement, affairs are not always person-meets-married-person affairs. Your wife could be having some type of mental affair with a person, place, job, etc. Your wife is so self absorbed, your only hope is to seek counseling together. Experience talking, not guessing. Think about it, if things have been left to unravel this far, then imagine what it will be like in another 8 years...if you two exist at all as a couple. Find a reputable marriage counselor quickly. I know as a man it is hard to admit we need the help, but its either that or watch the situation continue to diminish as you enter into a resentment stage and worse yet, you both will put your children right in the middle of it. Seek help soon my friend.

It is. It's soul-destroying.