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My Wife Shows No Affection

I am a 39 year old man in pretty good shape, 6'2" and fairly good looking.  I am a very affectionate and loving person, but my wife is not.  I am always the one to initiate sex, hugs, kisses, or any type of physical contact.  I don't understand why she's so cold to me.  I love her with all my heart, but she is breaking me down.  I have tried doing more of the housework, working out 5 days a week, anything I could think of to get her more interested in me but nothing works.  She tells me that she loves me, but she doesn't make me feel loved at all.  I want her to want to be with me without me asking her too.  We have 2 kids that I am committed to being here for, so I am at a loss as to what I should do.  Sorry for rambling.

raptor660 raptor660 36-40, M 274 Responses Nov 18, 2009

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My husband rejects me too. I don't understand it because other men seem to find me attractive. This has destroyed my self esteem and is becoming very painful😪

Going through that very same thing. I am 50 worked all my life in the military still active in it. great shape make good money. My wife will not show me any affection at all. Not sure what to do

Same boat here. 38 years old, been together for 14 years, married for 12. Minimal sex since our kids were born (8 and 6 years ago). my sex drive hasn't changed, her's apparently shut off entirely. It was pretty evident that I was not a priority once they came along, and my response was to check out emotionally (a big mistake). I have always been faithful, a good provider, and not an abuser in any way and became determined last year to "fix" things by being the man she fell in love with and married in the first place. However, it's clear now that it is too late. I can't fix this by myself and she could care less about working with me or meeting me halfway. Had a petty spat this weekend and I ended up emailing her a sincere apology and (non-accusatory) expression of the hurt I have been feeling over how disconnected we are. Her response was vitriolic, accusing me as always of being selfish and only concerned with my needs. Mocking my feelings which are real and understandable given the situation. If I was selfish, I would have cheated or left as soon as she threw me away after having the kids. I feel like I have wasted my prime years with someone who sees me as a leper who's only good for paying the bills and conceiving children which are now her entire life.

Same here. About to give up.

Same here to. Been married for 11 years, 6 weeks ago my wife told me she's not happy & wants to seperate..? She loves me BUT not in love with me... It Came from nowhere (Hammer blow) we have 2 children together aged 7 & 3. They love their dad to bits!! Iam 39 now & the thought of starting out agsin is frightening tbh!!! Don't know what to do guys..? Iam back & fore the family home & staying with my parents to.., not sure what Nxt step is..?

Email me

That's bull

With all do respect, I am new to this site. I am seeking advice from those that hat are in similar situations as I am. But as I seek help I read your post. I must say I felt as if you were speaking of me. My husband would agree with you 100%. Yet I must say that i believe your wife loves you dearly. You see I love my husband soo much,but have issues initiating intercourse. Especially if we are upset with one another. It is a result from my childhood. I hate it, i wish it wouldn't be like that. I even cry and pray about it,because I love him . Yet I am the most loving mother constantly hugging and kissing our children. It wasn't like this when we meet. We've been married 17years. He had an affair with that i build a wall that i felt would protect my heart. But i know in my heart that he is the love of my life.

You have two options. Look for another life, or except the one your in, she will not change. Possibly you may try daily speak sessions to increase her understanding of your needs, but you will have to keep at it for as long as it takes, and do not let up or give up.

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Hello Raptor660,

I'm happy that I found this because i feel like i'm going through the same thing. I guess misery loves company. At the moment i'm a student and she works full time (Used to be the other way around) so when she comes from work or we meet up from our busy day, we give each other a hug/kiss - Its routine, you know. But i feel disconnected. My wife actually was very affectionate before and now she is not. Its like something changed and all i can think about is maybe the stress from work. I initiate sex, hugs, and kisses when its out of the norm. Lack of sex has caused arguments between us as well. What felt like a blow to me today was when she went to sleep and didn't even say good night or that she was going to sleep. Normally she will say good night or something. Might sound petty to some, but when i'm dealing with other "lack of affections", Its a punch to the stomach as well. I'm not sure, i guess i feel a bit lost. I am 31 years old, i love my wife, and i feel committed to my daughter as well so i don't plan to just up and leave, but feeling alone is not how i want to live. sorry if i rambled as well.

I know how you feel

Same boat man..lost cause in my eyes lol maybe the next life or divorce which ever comes sooner. :(

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I'm your mirror image sir....in the exact same spot

I just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I really love Louis so much that i can not even do without. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce... I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn't want to loose him but everything just didn't work out... He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man who eventually helped me out with spell... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used herbs... Within 2 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news... Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... NOTE THAT he will ask you to pay a small token amount of money to get the materials to work for you. You can email DR SANJAY via (sanjaylandofsolution606@gmail . com) Don't give up just yet, the different between "Ordinary" & "Extra-Ordinary" is the "Extra" so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it.

Seriously? Cut the crap and selling your friends **** isn't going to bring his life a more suitable wife.

It's hurt. M same boat

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I am a wife who is cold and insulting to my husband. My bipolar medicine usually helps, but I have been out of it for quite a while. I feel disrespected by my domineering husband, and he has a drinking problem, which makes it worse. We went through hard times for several years and made many mistakes in our relationship with each other, and the trust is gone. My husband has heroically provided a home for me, dispite his poor health, but our relationship has ended. We now rag on each other, and my love for him left long ago. I keep trying to sabotage our marriage so he will leave. That is where we are today

Sweet thanks for your rediculously sad crappy relationship that has nothing to do with the topic. Please cut your crap

Like I tell everyone with this problem. You gonna have to go by what I say and don't wimp out if you really want your marriage to work. The key is to the solution is that you have to do the total opposite of everything that you do now. You not interesting anymore. Not the person she fell in love with. Before, you use to go out with your friends and do things with out letting her know every little detail but now your hen peck and you are up under her too much. So go out, enjoy your life and have fun and when she see you having fun she'll want to join in. It's like a game and you have to win. But...... Once you start don't you dare start feeling bad or pitiful for her and go back to your old ways. You have to keep up this persona from now on. I know it goes against your feelings but it's better to use your head because your feelings always want to lead and take charge but great things happen when we use our head.

This my friend is truth. I do believe this and have noticed that she acts different when I have fun with my military buddies at the house or down the road at a bar for a beer or two. But, I do see a childish side of her wanting to tell mom dad my parents her friends all kinds of rude and persecuting crap that I literally never did. Just being rude to me after its all said and done. I do know where your coming from with that observation so to speak

Your wife does not respond, because you were a puppy dog all your life, and you cannot change that now, it is a established norm for good. Get another wife, but this time be a real man and not a needy mother ****** who needs sex and love to be alive. Act like, she is not the only game in town. She has to be part of your life, not all of it--but you made her to be all of it--a mistake. Stop throwing your *** at women, have some self respect. No self respect, no women, will attach to you in the long run, regardless of your status in real life. I take it back, you may find some sick needy women just like yourself to cling to you. But relationship based on need soon will become vain and suffocating.

Agreed

Heyguys ive been married 33years sept 19. my wife shows almost No affection for last 10 years, I am lonely in my own bed and she is getting one last chance on our anniversary then Im taking my affection elsewhere. Im 52 years old with a muscular build, for now and Ill be damned if going to spend my last 25 years feeling like this

Go getm!

Look, I do not understand why people think, relationships must last forever--they do not--they have a time stamp. Just learn to be happy with you--develop your own interest outside of a women. Divorce ASAP, if it is disturbing your peace, with or without children. Hire a prostitute to satisfy your sexual needs. Love only exist when you are a teenager and have hearts not calculators. I love divorce!

Doesn't get any better.... married 17 years now and same crap... get out early while you can...just waiting to divorce after the kids leave home.

It hurts.
I'm in same boat

The key is to the solution is that you have to do the total opposite of everything that you do now. You not interesting anymore. Not the person she fell in love with. Before, you use to go out with your friends is do things with out letting her know every little detail but now your hen peck and you are up under her too much. So go out, enjoy your life and have fun and when she see you having fun she'll want to join in. It's like a game and you have to win. But...... Once you start don't you dare stay feeling bad or pitiful for her and go back to your old ways. You have to keep up this persona from now on. I know it goes against your feelings but it's better to use your head because your feelings always want to lead and take charge but great things happen when we use our head.

I am currently dealing with the same thing, have you had any progress?

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I swear i thought i was writing this. I am going through the same exact thing...My wife and i are high school sweethearts been together five years before marriage, lived together for 3 of that 5, Now we have been married a year and she used to show such warm heartfelt affection it declined some around year 4-5 and then as soon as she said I do, she just completely went cold to me. I lost twenty pounds thinking that it might be that i gained some weight. I went to a counselor thinking that it was me, and learned how to communicate my feelings and tell her. Every time i bring it up she tells me that I am being ridiculous and annoying. I told her i need things to change, that i cant handle how cold she is to me. Still not a thing changes. I love her with all my heart and try everything i can think of and nothing changes. Friends and family are all concerned as well, it is that noticeable. She says i keep her up, i am not even allowed to sleep in the bed until she is asleep because my reading or me being there keeps her up and annoys her. I want to work at it but i dont know how much more i can take. We dont have kids, what should i do...

She needs to get that "you annoy me" crap and shove it man. I wouldn't put up with that. That's a long dead road ahead in my eyes. I'm kind of in the same boat.

You don't have kids? Get the **** outta there.

Nothing.just make feel her that u having affiar with some one.

Like all the others I am experiencing the same. Ive been married before, have a son with my previous and been in various relationships with differing scenarios. The hardest thing to find is a common place and a place in which both parties feel the common ground. Life is full of so many things both good and bad, happy and sad. Trying to find the balance is very difficult. My fiance and I love all the same things, sex drive is good on both parts however I am so much more affectionate. She had told me of some abusive things in her past as a child and was very open and forthcoming to tell however to discuss for long is cut short quickly as im sure for her is still hard to discuss. I thought ive had connections in previous relationships but her and I connect well and everything feels perfect except her ability to be more forward when it comes to showing affection. She said it makes her feel not so good or awkward. I wish I could help her feel more love. I don't know if she interprets love as a direct correlation to what others mentioned as apologies to abusive acts when they were younger. If it is the case I can understand but the sad part is they miss out on being so loved. Something so many people wish they had and unfortunate that those who can have it cannot internalize the true meaning of love because for them its associated with horrible acts of abuse. All I can do is love her like I know and try to understand that she can only love me as much as she knows to. I wish you all the best and hope you can all find your "Common Ground"

I am the one that is not showing enough affection! I am not cheating and do not wish to be in a different relationship. I love my husband with all my heart body and soul, however it is hard to show affection because of my past. affection was given as an apology for abuse, or as a coax for sexual abuse. maybe your spouse has a past, dont jump to the conclusion that they are cheating.

You describe exactly how my husband is making me feel at the moment. It's a lonely existence, even lonelier than my single days.

Everyone blames the man. That is B.S. Women can be bad news as wives and mothers. I know I am married to one. After 10 years of what I thought was a great marriage and it was, she told me her obligation was done. Also she said she only married me because she thought it was "time" to do so. She stopped caring for our children at this point as well. All she ever cares about now is herself. Period. Have not had sex with her in too many years to even think about. I will not divorce her because that is what she wanted after 10 years. Too bad. Im not gona hand over half of what I built to a horrible person. Thats what she counted on and its not gona happen. The best thing that has happened about this is I have developed much greater relationships with my children.

Amen!

I'm feeling the same! What is it with these women! We do all they ask for and beyond and then nothing in return! Then they wonder why we start looking for that attention else where!

Preach it! Perfect!

Wow,
I'm in the exact same boat or hell that is described above.

I don't know what to do any longer.

Thought it was me wrote this. Exactly my situation . I'm starting to think she's cheating and when I speak my mind she calls me a weirdo haha. This is probably from no affection she also talks to me different then others she is more interested in others convo than mine . I don't know I'm glad I'm not the only one goin through this.

Guys,when your wife suddenly becomes cold and distance.She may be cheating. Check it out !

I am in a similar boat, my wife and I have been married for about 8 years , been together around 12. When we met she was a student , now she has her masters and is an excellent kindergarten teacher. I am proud of her but in the past year she has become quite cold and distant. We see each other so very little and she chooses extra time at work instead of taking time on us. She never initiates any type of affection anymore it always has to be me. She has begun to just not call me after work and stay late. I dont know what to do at this point we have three children , it breaks my heart every second of every day but trying to be open and honest with her only makes her lash out, and accuse me of trying to control her life.

Im at my end. I dont want a life without her but its so very saddening to love someone so much and not feel it in return.. thanks for letting me vent here.

Im not trying to be funny here, but, I believe your wife may be having an affair. Before others become completely unglued by that seemingly subjective statement, affairs are not always person-meets-married-person affairs. Your wife could be having some type of mental affair with a person, place, job, etc. Your wife is so self absorbed, your only hope is to seek counseling together. Experience talking, not guessing. Think about it, if things have been left to unravel this far, then imagine what it will be like in another 8 years...if you two exist at all as a couple. Find a reputable marriage counselor quickly. I know as a man it is hard to admit we need the help, but its either that or watch the situation continue to diminish as you enter into a resentment stage and worse yet, you both will put your children right in the middle of it. Seek help soon my friend.

It is. It's soul-destroying.

I married my husband with the understanding that he is in the wheel chair. He initially tried to make me believe that he could obtain an erection and he can not. I accepted it because I love him, and would accept the affection he had for me because it was so frequent and genuine. As soon as we moved into the house and got married, I swear the man, stopped taking me out, spending quality time, no intimacy. I am so ready to go. So not to cheat on GOD, because nothing I do is right..

I completely understand your feelings. I also married someone who could not obtain an erection. I believed in my heart that the love I had for him was enough and that I could deal with not having intercourse. However after 13 years I am experiencing no affection at all. My husband has also stopped going out with me , there is no intimacy. He spends all of his time asleep and when he is awake he watches cartoons. When I come home from work, he is asleep. I realize he takes a lot of medication that may make him sleepy. But I know that his medical condition (diabetes) requires him to be active. I have not been out with him in years. Not even for a walk in the park. He gets angry and lashes out at me when I try to talk to him about how I feel. I asked him if I could take him out on a date and he asked me if I was trying to relive my childhood. How insensitive. I hate the loneliness I feel. I am becoming very emotionally distraught and will cry if the weather changes. There is a part of me that wants to go, but I made a vow to love in sickness, health, etc. I pray about it all the time, because I do love him. I just want some affection in return. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you and hope you find the answer you seek. Thank you for allowing me to vent also.

Thank you so much for your response. Yes, I understand what he is going through. We have made several appointments to see various doctors. We have talked about the situation and he knows that I am on his side. When it comes time to go to the doctor he will make up a reason not to go. I have never pressured him on this or made him feel anything other than he is my love and my heart.

I have been forceful on trying to get him to take care of his health. He has a heart condition that I make sure he goes to the cardiologist regularly. However he doesn't take it seriously. He still smokes. It doesn't matter how I encourage him to take care of his health, he has got to want to be healthy for himself.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I have the same issue but with my wife. She works and all but I take care of the kids and all housework, on top of working a full time job. I get little to no physical affection, she says the "I love you" all the time. However I believe that a person should not say that to someone and then turn them away physically. Just wanted to let you know your not alone.

you are indeed worthy to be called a woman for all you said here. If you are a christian and you want joy in your marriage, i will help you fix it. It is very simple. inbox me here to get updates

Hello, thank you for your response. Please explain your comment.

Hi, FYI I'm a married male. If I were you I would leave and file for divorce. Not being able to get an erection is one thing. However he is now withholding all affection from you. That is unjustified and you should not have to put up with it.

Don't believe it. Your bored of him. Experienced a home and marriage with a disabled person and now your ready for someone new that can walk and get an erection. He was a "marriage test" so to speak...let him down softly with that cold heart of yours please.

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<p>I too have been married nearly 18 months, working two jobs, working around the house and trying to launch a small business., and instead of being appreciated all my never healthy wife does is complain and make excuses. her grown children live rent free while I've become a slave. it's really dragging me down to the point I'm ready to leave. When it comes to sex, I'm always refused and I'm nearly to the point of bringing in a woman to be with me as she won't make an effort to save our sexless marriage. send me a woman please.

I've never understood why people who are allegedly 'at the end of their rope' don't take the ultimate risk, honesty. Your complaints, while perhaps founded, sound like a young child. 'They don't like me, all they do is take my stuff, so Im gonna step out...that'll show em!'. Negative. You have to think smarter than that. First, who's fault is it that you are overwhelmed with work? Sounds like maybe there is a msall chance that your home life isn't what you like it to be so now you are 'unavailable' all the time or as the modern adult calls it, 'busy'. Interesting you phrase it, "...my never healthy wife...". Are you saying shes overweight? Constantly doesn't feel well, what does that phrase mean? It sounds like you've already adopted a mind of negativity about your spouse. I think sometimes people think, say or post things about their spouse with out remembering, this is the person whom you loved enough to walk down the isle with (Or in whatever fashion you became married). If you've allowed yourself to become a 'slave', the hard medicine to take here is, that is your doing. Sex, if you peruse other millions of posts on similar topics by people in similar situations, is an all-too-common "weapon" used in marriage by one partner or another to administer what little control they feel they have in the relationship. Unfortunately, you have bigger issues in your house hold to address than sex. Granted that's the most physical and perhaps most 'pressing', but, not the tip of the marital troubles pyramid. There are always two sides to every story, much like a pancake, and unfortunately on sites like these, we can't get the whole story. However, from what little you have posted, it seems like there is more than you are sharing. Perhaps some control issues on your side? Ever been told you are too 'tight' with the wallet in the house? Perhaps your spouse, and from what we can gather by reading your brief post, doesn't work and relies solely on your income, which you have seemingly voluntarily taken on more work to increase. Sometimes, this leads to resentment on the non-working spouse's part and begins a snowball at the top of a mountain. Lets review: Your newly weds (Sorry, I've been married 20 years, 18 months ain't #@$^), you have taken on multiple jobs, launching a new business, the house work, you have allowed her children to establish themselves in you and your wifes home, you feel enslaved, you state you are 'always' refused sex and you are considering adultery. Friend, you need to reboot your marriage. My advice, and lets face it, Im just a person on the internet, so take it how you will, is to start at the top of this multi-layered issue and work your way down. As I opened with, you need to start with honesty, not adultery. What do I mean, you ask, "I have complained to her thousands of times and nothing changes", bet you didn't know I knew that you have already complained to her thousands of times, right? Why, simple. Every marriage runs this course in some form or fashion, its just a little more difficult to untangle in your case. So, now, lets try it differently. Send the slave-driving kids out for a night, give them each a benj$ and tell them to go find something to do on a Friday or Saturday night. Once the kids are gone, you and your wife will experience this moment, this thing you used to know, its called silence. Suddenly no more kids to worry about, no more 'slave drivers', just you and the wife. Then, cook dinner, order dinner, what you know will appeal to her and invite her to sit and eat with you, just one on one. Once the meal starts, address her as the love of your life, not like the enemy. Address her like and adult, not a whiny kid, she probably gets plenty of that from the live-in 'failure to launch' generation that's sharing your hot-water. I advise writing down the 3 main points you need, as a couple, to address together and one by one, go over each point, patiently, calmly and with out raising your voice. Listen, this scenario may not happen first time out, but once your wife realizes that these are real issues for BOTH of you to address (In other words, starting out the conversation with 'you suck because...' or 'you must do this or that..', that's not how growed up people talk, not is it? Right, so approach her with the respect your wife deserves and talk with her. You think, "sure, easier said than done, right." and it would be true. This isn't a conversation or plan you throw together in an hour. You need to think this through, completely. "But wait, I have a TON of issues, 3 won't even scratch the surface". Ya and Rome wasn't built in a day Romeo, so start with the top 3. I would almost bet your left testicle that you probably won't even get past the first two, so slow down, take it one small bite at a time. Key to this conversation is letting her know she is safe to respond to these issues, as long as it is calm and respectful, in anyway she would like. That is, if your wife doesn't feel safe, that there won't be some form of physical or financial retribution for her honesty, then this is wash, won't work, may as well save your breath. Saying things like, "when we married, I thought it would be you and I starting a new life together. Now I am worried with two other adults in the house, we will feel like children trapped at home again with our parents constantly in our business." is far more effective than statements like, "you kids suck". You see the diff there Billy Bob? As I said earlier, this is not a tactic to be taken lightly, it should be well thought out, you should be well rested, in the correct frame of mind, etc. I highly recommend you write notes and use them to keep the conversation on track. Sometimes spouses will go in the opposite direction when it comes down to face to face honesty and try the age old 'make about something else' tactic and in modern society where everyone is so on-guard and out for themselves, this tactic works well. Use your notes to keep the conversation on track and be strong willed in not allowing the conversation to be re-directed. If you stay the course and stay out of the child like name calling or blame game, your wife will eventually realize you two are not children anymore and that this situation is serious and needs addressed. Lastly, once the conversation is near closure you need to let her know that if these issues are not addressed, there are consequences. (DO NOT threaten your spouse). By consequences, I mean you let her know that (Heres where being honest is tough, but hey, your already one foot in another womans arms, so, what do you have to lose?) you would consider legal separation or stay at a friends house for a month until she is willing to discuss or even better, help take action to resolve these issues WITH YOU. Never lead her to believe the problems are all her because you have played just a big a role in allowing these things to happen in your house hold. You two met as a couple, dated as a couple, married as a couple, live as a couple (Albeit, poorly) and you will *resolve issues* as a couple. See how all those statements are similar? They all have the word "couple" in them, not SHE or HE or YOU or THEY. As long as this post is and as doubtful as I am that you will read it, much less all of it, and even less that you would actually consider it, it doesn't scratch the surface of 'marital situations 101' that should be taught prior to every marriage. That all said, if you are so determined to get some strange, then what do you have to loose? No one ever sat in front of a judge and had to plead guilty to "I treated my wife like a grown adult and had an honest but tough discussion with her". No, you would just end up another sucker paying for a divorce once the wife found out and quite frankly, regardless of how big you think the halo over your head is, everyone around you knows your a cheating scum-bag who got caught justifying why he should be able to go stick is sword fish in some other woman's wahoo (Awesome salt water fishing reference if you didn't catch it, man Im good). Anyway, if you believe none of this, at a minimum, seek out a reputable marriage counselor, even if she will not go, and discuss the situation, see what they recommend. I am willing to bet the above information could save you a ton of ca$h and heart ache though. Best of luck and as they say, don't get caught with your trousers down, mate.

This is one of the lucid, hit the nail on the head no nonsense posts I have ever read. Thank you CP

you talk a lot about respect,yet you do not show it!! much like the situation this fellow and i are in!!

you have some really good points i must say!! but a very disrespectful way of communicating them!!

After reading your reply,,,you sound like an ignorant jerk to me,,,full of pride and other bs,,,you really are just making up a lot,,,makes me think you are a person who fits the bill for what this poster was talking about to begin with,,do you feel guilty about being a poor mate,,,that is how this translates to me,,,

Wow love you reply.

The heck with her, just leave. If my kids were not little, I am not sure if I would still be here either. To be honest I truly love my wife. I think about her all day long, but being refused physically is really starting to take its toll on me. I even signed up on Ashley Madison, but I just cant see doing that to her. I guess I'm just a chump.

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I feel exactly the same!. He says he hasn't got a high sex-drive yet he was ringing chat lines as soon as we come home from going out!. ( I found that out after investigation). I've gone to bed and the telly is still on with babe station still on. I feel so low, so un-loved, un wanted, desired, cherished etc etc. Before i got with him. I was so foward with men. I want to be the 1 with him to start things going but i don't know how to approach him (like he dosen't want it)!. Very lonely.com ....

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I've been married for only 4 months. I work 2 jobs so my wife can stay home and raise our son. He is not biologically mine, but his real father has never wanted to be a part of his life. I gladly stepped in and have been helping my wife raise him. Since our honeymoon our sex lives have almost disappeared. She hardly tells me she loves me, never kisses me goodnight, and when I do touch her or put my arms around her she pushes me away. On top of all of this, our house is never clean, we have dishes and laundry stacked up all the time. So on my day off I usually do the laundry and dishes and clean. She says our son takes up all of her time. Really? I know he's very active, but I need help. I work 2 jobs to support us so she doesn't have to work, and she can't even do the dishes or hold me? Idk what to do. But I'm starting to get depressed and have found d myself even looking at other women. I don't think I could ever cheat, but it bothers me that it's even come to this. and in such a short time.

See my reply to Walteria above. Needs some tweaking for your version but, in short, time to sit down and have a heart to heart with Mrs Rubble before things deteriorate further. Best of luck.

if he's not yours and your not happy LEAVE! When she has to do it herself she will come crawling back. Then tell her to go to H***. She gave you all the attention you wanted until the ring was on and then she thought I have him trapped. So get your manhood and your balls back and leave.

Same here. We've been married a little over a year and it has gotten to the point where I won't see my husband except when he goes to sleep at night (and sometimes he doesn't even do that). He doesn't work, he doesn't help out around the house, we have no children, all he ever does is lock himself in the computer room all day and night for at the very least 16 hours a day (and sometimes fall asleep in there) THEN he will tell me he needs MORE "alone time". When you spend more than 16 hours a day ALONE why the hell would you need MORE alone time? Honestly there have been times where I will go months without any sort of physical contact with him, no affection, no "I love you", no attention, no sex just always nothing.
His ignoring me can last anywhere from days to weeks to months. And if I complain about it he uses that as an excuse to ignore me for even longer. He has actually promised over and over again to spend time with me he will set the date and the time and THEN when the time and date he picked comes around: NOTHING. Usually I will wait about four or five days to finally point out that he was supposed to spend time with me, he picked the day and time and then when it came around he didn't. You wanna know what that gets me? He uses that as an excuse to explain why he never spent time with me even though it was well after the day and time he picked.
When that happens it usually takes anywhere between another week up to a month for him to ever actually follow through on his promises. And by the time he finally does I am so angry and depressed from being completely ignored for so long its pointless anyways. Usually about the week mark in one of these "episodes" I get extremely depressed and spend the rest of the time crying while I wait for weeks and even months for him to FINALLY show me some sort of attention/affection. There have actually been times where I have left the house for more than 6 hours and he not even notice I left. Which only makes me feel that much worse. He honestly will show the dog more attention than he will me.
Today from the time he woke up at 11 am (he didn’t even go to bed until 5 am) until a little after 4 pm I said NOTHING to him because he complains if I even speak to him half the time. A little after 4 pm I knocked on the door to the computer room which he always keeps locked to remind him that he had to go somewhere with his friend and needed to get ready. You wanna know what he did? He screamed at me about how I have been nagging him all day and that’s why he never spends time with me and shows me no affection. After I had said absolutely NOTHING to him for over 5 HOURS. How the hell does that even make sense?!

That sounds awful. The fact he actually LOCKS himself in a room to use the computer suggests he's addicted to gambling or ****, or maybe he's chatting to other women.
I suggest you try and find out what he's doing in there, the answer maybe a clue on how to help support him or help decide what YOU need to do.

If you're in the st. Louis area please look me up. Sounds like we have a lot in common.

Your husband has an internet addiction. I know it sound funny, its still about a generation away from being a recognized 'disease' but, I lived it, I know what he's going through. You really want to see him flip? Go unplug the internet outside the house and don't tell him. I bet you $$ money he craps himself, will be the most miserable 10 seconds of your life (10 seconds because like any other addict, if the internet goes down (His addiction) he will begin to completely flake out with out his drug of choice...the net). I say that, he may only being addicted to computing or perhaps he's a programmer and they can be VERY reclusive. Again, I am not speaking out of my arse, I really have been down this road with my wife. So much so that at one point, she threatened to leave me. That was my wake up call, though, its a risky tactic, I do NOT recommend you consider that. Instead, you two need to seek help, perhaps you could work with one of his family members that are close to him or a friend. You would be surprised at the influence someone like that can have. Otherwise, you may just have to tell him point blank, sitting on the computer will not only eventually kill him, it will more immediately kill your marriage. Tell him in no less words, you two must seek counseling NOW. I DO NOT recommend you attempt to discuss his addiction, only that you two need to seek a reputable professional marriage counselor immediately. Untreated, you two will most likely not survive the addiction.

Pack your **** an leave. You are with a child not a man. He does not want a woman in his life. He is probably ************ and playing online games all day. You want to have some fun, while he is sleeping disconnect the internet and hide the damn cables. When he comes bitching, say "Oh now you want to talk to me?" Seriously move on.

Set up camera in the room when he leaves the room for a bit...I agree with mitch..it's obvious that room has some kind of attachment with him. Creepy

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Weve always talked about anything. We've been together for 6 years. I'm not one to hold my tongue so I've mentioned to her before that I was feeling unloved. Her response last night was "I'm sorry. I know I'm like my mom!" Finally a break through. Her mother is the first mother I've ever met that's so unloving. I guess it's strange to me because my big Irish/Italian/Southern family is so overly lovable. We hug & kiss every time we see each other. My mom always played hair and my nanny still to this day curls my hair when she sits next to me. We've always supported each other & passed positive comments around just to make the others feel good but she's not like that and neither are her parents. Her family's so negative. They always find opportunity to put people down. Anyway I'm saying all this to say it's not you. I've read some of the comments too and my heart breaks for all of you. I'm with you though. I buy expensive things, I buy little thinking of you things, I leave little post it notes around the house, I plan trips and date nights, I tell her she's beautiful, and that she looks like she's losing weight, and nothing. She loves me & still intends to marry me but nothing. I get a hug & kiss maybe once a week, I get a back scratch on rare occasion when I ask. I've always been told it's the little things and always thought that was horse s***, but that's exactly what's missing. That's all I want. Little things like playing with my hair & holding my hand. Anyway she said she'd work on it, again. So I guess I'll ask God to help her work on it, again. Prayer is that only thing that has kept me from leaving. I read some of your post and see 25-30 years and think God how'd they do it for so long I don't think I can do that.

"...She loves me & still intends to marry me..." Um. Hmmm. Are you two living together...as in not married, living in the same residence??

My wife is so full of distrust that she carries her hand bag to the bathroom saying I'm going through her things. Then she sleeps tosses and turns and lays on her arm and says I did it during the night. She was diagnosed wit BP Disorder. She recently had a hysterectomy and is on hormone therapy. The psychiatrist told me she needs to be on meds but she refuses them and tells me she doesn't love me any longer. I overheard her on the phone telling her friend she cares for me but is not in love with me. I was devastated. I new it was the beginning of the end. I recently retired and expected to live the rest of my life with her but it doesn't look that way. We have no kids and we've been married for 26 years. We've known each other for 33 years and we're best friends. I still love her very much but she fantasizes about being away from me. When I try to have sex with her she says you'll never get this ever. You attack me in my sleep. Take my clothes and my other things. I told her over and over that I don't. This is a sign of schizophrenia, dementia and personality disorder mixed with her BP. The doctors told me she can have all of those illnesses together simultaneously. I was shocked. But I try to honor our vows but now I know we cannot live together. Perhaps she will find out I was right about her in my absence but I won't take her back after we divorce. Too much.

Your wife is ill. I am not an MD by any stretch, but, this is not the person talking, its the disease. You should work with you physicians who are treating your wife to see what you can do. Find some real support groups, not internet blog/chat site to hook up with, there are tons more spouse's living with these kinds of illnesses, you need to tap into their experience. You can't change the mind of expect someone who mentally ill to 'realize' or 'find out' anything. She's sick dude, find out how to help her and dig in, it could be a long and will be a bumpy ride.

Great subject.... I'm living this too.

I grew up in a house where my dad was mentally abusive towards my mom.... So I took the bad from this and swore I would be the complete opposite of this... Mission accomplished with ease.

But my girlfriend (4 years... 2 kids later) is cold... She hasn't kissed or touched me since November 2012!

She had a baby in July 2013. I understand she's tired from taking care of the baby.

But a slight show of affection (kiss on the cheek or a few faint words) are nowhere in sight...

I know I'm the more open one in the relationship and all but I mean... s***. Her ways are rubing off on me and I hate it. It's like there's a monster creeping inside me slowly.

The only time I get affection is if I'm lucky and dream about it... Seriously.

People say get out... But I can't destabilize the kids.

F***. I've been divorced,
The b*tch was crazy.
I came into this one with no expectations.
Kids are born.
Expectations grow wether you like it or not.
I love my kids.
What's left to do???
Suck it up. Hold my breath.
Throw the morality book out the window.
Close my eyes and hope for the best.
Yeah...

MY advice... I f you're living this kind of a nightmare but don't have kids.... Get out... That's what I did with my crazy ex... But now I have kids so the game is quite different.

I think you can go your seperate ways and still support your children in a caring and stable way.... Maybe dont move all to far and still be there for them and try to get shared custody that keeps things easy for all those involved.

"...But my girlfriend (4 years... 2 kids later) is cold... She hasn't kissed or touched me since November 2012!...She had a baby in July 2013." So many things wrong here, not sure where to start. Let me just say this. Stop playing house, man up and marry the mother of your children. Once you have accomplished that, come back and post up or seek counseling. It shouldn't amaze anyone that when you start the process off in reverse order, you hit all kinds of issues you didn't expect. Really dude, Im not posting this in a mean spirit, just spittin' the truth. You can't fix something from the inside that is broken on the outside. You have a history, divorced once, you need to consider what your saying when you repeat those vows, promising forever, forever doesn't end when it gets tough or is convenient. Sorry dude, but you two really need start with exchanging vows and committing to one another. Best of luck.

its really to late for that cp!!

Kids are no reason to stay through this kind of stuff. Honestly you should divorce and file for sole custody to save them from the abuse you suffered.

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Sounds awful and very familiar. Bottom line, my wife doesn't trust me and hasn't trusted me For a decade , maybe since the second year of marriage, after our child's first year. Much, perhaps all, my fault. Biggest damage, I didn't get home from work promptly. I'd call, we'd talk, even though I said I was coming home I'd feel confident and competent after talking and try to get one more thing done before I left... So I'd work another 30-60-90 minutes, get home late. No excuse and I know the pattern. Also, our housekeeping standards & practices don't line up, and she feels she's given and accepted as much as she can. I snore but problems started before I started sleeping in the office.I gave up on any hope of affection more than five years ago. We both doing our best, no drugs, drink or cheating, it's clear I shouldn't have asked her to marry me and she should never have said, "Yes". My only defense is that we really did try to let each other know who we really were, and she knew we were not well matched, but she thought she could change me.Our child is now a very fragile teen, how much because of parent's bad marriage? We just admitted failure at our second attempt at 10th grade. Depression and anxiety are kid's issues, all three of us on antidepressants.On the plus side, with kid abandoning school, no private tuition, might have enough money to separate, see if we can be more effective parents if not trying to be married too. Unfortunately, I've been down-sized 4 times in last 9 years, and lost a 5th job because I didn't fit, not working, right now, no income.Even knowing what's broken doesn't guarantee we can fix it. We married late, now in late 50s.Good luck. I hope your story ends better. - drs

Many years ago, I told my husband that if he took care of me, I would take care of everything else. Simply defined: give me affection, show me you love me, and make me feel like a woman and I will make sure your home is clean, your belly is full, and your heart is content. We had a great sex life for the first five years or so; fun, uninhibited, and fueled by our desire for each other and the insatiable hunger to be closer. 12 years later, I sit here and dread facing another miserable day in a marriage that has been neglected for so long. We don't even sleep in the same bed together anymore. Why? Perhaps because there have been disappointments that were never acknowledged for fear it would expose the hurt and leave the heart vulnerable to further pain. I'm guessing this can only be done so many times before the heart remains permanently sheltered from any threat of harm. Or, perhaps: I am his wife but am now regarded as his child’s mother and have a different agenda to fulfill in the relationship.
My husband has not made love to me in two years. He claims E.D., but also says that the medications that he has tried have had undesirable side-effects so he won’t use them. The last several times he and I shared our bed, he completely ignored me, didn’t talk to me, touch me ……after a few months, it finally got to me, the message was suddenly loud and clear. I remember the night I rolled over on my side, faced the wall and quietly sobbed until my nose was so stuffed-up I couldn’t breathe. I got out of bed, sat in the living room and cried until my eyes were swollen almost shut. I have never felt so unwanted in my entire life. Since that time many months ago, he has never once questioned me as to why I don’t sleep in our bed anymore. Why do I think he avoids asking me? 1) Because he doesn’t care 2) He wants the bed to himself
I was once an attractive, motivated and self-confident woman. I have become the product of my husband’s neglect; as a result, I am profoundly sad and it reflects in my desire to take care of myself, my house, or my priorities. I find things, anything, to divert my attention from what is happening to my life and our decaying marriage. Is there anything that could completely turn this whole situation around?
ABSOLUTELY!
Reach out to me, pull me close and hold me in your embrace; don’t let me go. I need to nudge my face to your neck and smell you, the warm, intoxicating scent that is my sacred nirvana; my safe-place (don’t say a word yet, it’ll probably be wrong. I’ve heard your voice enough in the past months and I will immediately associate it with the complaining, hurtful remarks you’ve made that cut me to the core) once you feel the tension leave my stance and detect subtle submission, look deep into my eyes and softly and sincerely say “I am so sorry” as you brush the hair from my eyes or gently lift my chin so our lips meet. Do not be in a hurry, this isn’t a prelude to sex, it’s a heartfelt affirmation of your love and desire for me with no strings implied or intended. This would serve as the “Hail Mary” that our marriage so desperately needs right now. Lead me to the couch where we can face each other and talk. No TV, cell phones, kids, or other distractions. This is our time alone to heal, to re-connect, to reclaim our relationship and fall in love again.

Good evening.
My heart goes out to you! I often feel the same way. I reach out for love and all I get is pain. When I ask her for a simple hug, it seems like she can barely stand it. She says she loves me but I don't feel it. If I didn't make the first move, there would be no moves made. Maybe we love differently. Maybe we are incompatible after all. Eventually the true truth will surface and I will know what I have to do. But dang it... I am a lover and that is what I should be able to do with my love/wife. Sorry if this response seems misguided or all over the place. I am trying to juggle my own emotional mindframe of the heart as well. Anyway.
About your man, maybe he doesn't know how to revive his own heart.
Maybe he feels inadequate somewhere and unable to forgive himself for something. Maybe there's room for healing. Maybe not.
I know you said y'all have kids but, what is the possibility of you moving out for a little bit? I know this doesn't seem like a fix to your relationship, but, if there is still love between the two of you, it will surface when you change the dynamic. Of course you won't be moving on (yet) and you aren't ending things... You would just be giving the both of you an opportunity to experience what life would be like without each other. If he doesn't flinch at your absence, you may have the answer you were looking for. If he does flinch, he may be willing to get help, or be willing to see the importance of change/you in his life. It may seem counterproductive, but if you handle it right, and stand firm, you might be surprised of the outcome. I sure hope so. :)
Best of luck to you both.
Jordan.

Well no surprise same here. I have to almost beg for sex and she always has a excuse for everything so I tried to solve them all. Beds load 1200 bed with foam matrices still didn't help. Spent the world on her and I love her I'm not gloating but I no there's tones of girls that Chase me down even when I'm in my army pt. At gym but I turn away. It got bad to the point I was depressed and we separated for months and she became her self again. We were like close friends talking about sex life's everything witch I truly hated hearing her say how she loves sacking her man's **** while she sits on his face. I wanted to **** her in the SUV one night after our anniversary dinner but she said no grow up. We'll 4 months ago I was out at bar she's ******* dude in the SUV. 2 months ago there was a spark and we started to hang out **** and ****. Well I feel as it was because I got new house 3500 a month from army to 2025 and work part time with take home of 750 a week. If I don't buy or give her money she's down and gets me pist. She's back to being girl in bed with long sleeve pants on Grannies panty and hahaha I haven't got head in 2 months but she demands I eat her *****. Ooo her do anything but lay on her back would be a gift. She screams and squirts but won't be inventive. So yesterday I go to her work the girl down stairs said John why do it I said excuse me she said you are so ******* hot u are a soldier and good father but she doesn't work late. I said I figured that so I had to see. I caught her on her bosses desk with a guy who lives in the Norristown pa scums. He has scabs on his legs and arm and I decided to not let them see me instead taped them left went home made DVD for everyone in both sides of family her bible loving family and gave it to all them on Christmas as her dad put it in I walk over gave her divorce papers and told her all bonds safe box's and accounts are gone. Oooo the SUV lexus yeah donated it to purple heart was in my name. Yesterday my bro calls me saying I need to get to her apartment apparently 2 guys ran a train on her she's a reck so I in return decided to get a room in AC with friends **** that *****. Not to mention sex su ked she is 285 big roles and her ***** looked like something u see on a cow or horse. Cyndi Bowman is up for grabs trapp pa

Am in the same situation feeling used we just had a big fight and i think its over after 14 years of showing me affection no she says she is trying to whats done its done and it is what it is

We're going through some of the same Did it ever Work out for you.

Not unsurprisingly, same thing here. Lately the excuses have turned to desperate measures (the bed squeaks, the kids are too old and will hear[!!!], I had a hard day [she doesn't work or study], I just changed the sheets...)

Yeah ok. The biggest thing that hurts? The last kiss I got was probably six years ago. Even during the rare sex event, the mouth clamps shut and face turned away.

That, more than anything else, hurts. Am I so repulsive that I can't even get a kiss, a peck on the cheek, etc?

Andis001 DIDO YOUR ENTIRE POST DUDE!!!!! This is just crazy how many of us our going through exact same thing. Something is wrong with women bottom line. I am in the same position exact the guy took exact words from my.mouth ANDIS001 HOW R YOU DOING MAN!

When Life Provides Me With Lemons, I Make Lemonade FOR ME. Here is what I am trying to say...

Quick and short, My first relationship out of high-school gave me a daughter which I tried raising as a family. 4 years into that, Mom decided to abduct our daughter and leave to another country. I think you know how that ends... Well, I went and recovered her and finished raising her on my own. I married for the first time and had 4 more daughters in this marriage... Fast forward 12 years and she too left and took the children, because I worked too much. Today, I have been reconnecting with them as they turn of age. One under 18 left. By the way, the relationship with the daughters today is as if we have never been apart. Strong bonds. I love my daughters.

So, Why am I typing all this long winded personal stuff? Well, besides the fact that it feels like many things, I find myself in a awkward predicament. I don't expect to have the right answers on here, but I am open for suggestions.

I don't know how, seriously, I met a 22 year old with a head screwed on her shoulder better than previous women in my life. Wonderful right... Wait! In the beginning all is peaches and cream. 6 years later, I am diagnosed with stage 4 Colon Cancer, operated, went through Chemo and the wonderful things associated with it and so far, have come out on the other end mighty well - Thank you Lord!

Prior to my diagnosis, I purchased a home, car et cetera. Everything paid for. Everything. Prior to my diagnosis, private actions behind closed doors by consenting adults diminished considerably. I asked and was told repeatedly no and I don't believe in force. So I learned to go without. Today she states she loves me, but actions - which in my humble opinion, speak louder than words - say otherwise. I console myself saying that at the very least, I have "raised" / prepared someone for someone else. I know I won't be here much longer, I mean, we all will pass on eventually - right?

My situation is this, I want to live "the rest of my life" as happy as I can. She used to make me happy (actually, she still does - sometimes) but more often than not, we are both unhappy. I am not the type of individual to raise voice nor my hand towards ANY woman, no matter what but it takes a lot of intestinal fortitude, and I have a third of it left (no pun intended). How much longer should I have to go on like this? Mind you, I have been kicked in my private parts many of times for being nice, patient, kind, caring et cetera... But I don't want to go through this anymore.
I'm afraid to break her young heart by asking her to leave but in the meantime, my heart is unmendable - not a real word.

I'm not certain anymore of what I'm writing because I can't control the tears/uncontrollable sobbing and can't see straight.

I just would like to be loved and be happy and it appears that I will have to do this on my own, alone.

Happy Thanksgiving

When the issue is reversed, they cheat. Heartless women are out numbering the good ones. Been going through this for two years. I get I love you but...... I don't feel loved. I give her the world, my heart and yes I romance as well. Not enough I guess. I've come to the conclusion, I'm just being used. Pure bullshit, pure selfish crazy women!

I'm in a similar situation, my wife has encouraged me to take on a new hobby which takes me away 5 days at a time but only for a short period but I think she is getting used to me not being here and has many a night out with her best girl friend but they are more like drinking partners and just seem to be like sisters and my wife looks forward to their time together ( no I am sure that they are not having an affair)
Sex has died off other the last 3 years reducing to 1 per month or two months and then it's only what she calls a quickie.
I'm more of an outside type of guy who has over the last 6 months been consumed with my hobby but when we are together all my wife wants to do to relax is sit in the front room and watch tv which I can't do for long periods and when I mention us doing something together she makes excuses , but makes plans for us to go out with her best friend and her husband who also now holiday with us.
We also work together as well which doesn't help , I am 55 my wife is only 41 and I really am thinking that she doesn't find me attractive, we cuddle at night but then fall to sleep I don't feel I can make the first move for sexual contract as I don't want more excuses .
I love my wife but recently she has said that things will never be as they were years ago which I can accept but they could be much improved to what they are now.
I would love us to go out together just to talk and try to sort it out but she's happy to let things stay as they are.
Anyway it's been good therapy writing all this down sorry it's long winded but there must be many people out there with the same problems .

I see this was originally posted in 2009. I wonder what happened. hahaha

Same here I also wonder

I understand since I have a simiar situation. Would like to see the other comments, but how?

39 years old, second marriage. 2 boys with this wife. I feel so alone. I get a little kiss here and there, usually only after I complain. Then back to no affection. I initiate almost every kiss, every touch. Sex is something she says she likes, but never shows any initiative, or excitement over it. Wasn't raised in a touchy feely family. So learn to adapt. I have anger issues and trust problems, have been in counselling trying to change. Why am I the one who has to change? Screw you lady! You know sex isnt the only thing I think about. Quit saying it is. Going to start sleeping on the couch. Have to leave, can't live like this anymore. Sorry kids, life's rough and your daddy is a weakling who needs to feel wanted/loved. Makes me feel even worse. Won't even mention how often I think of eating a bullet. God dammit, I hate this life...

There is more to life than that. If you don't feel like you're enough without your wife, then you'll never be enough with her. Also, you're 39, not 19.

It doesnt matter how old you are, some people are just hard ***** when it comes to other peoples feelings. I dont know how old knomies is but evidently he thinks you shouldnt want sex or affection because your 39. Dont listen; you deserve whatever you want out of life

How you making out dude

I go through the same stuff hun and i am hating it as well, i get no love no touching or any form of affection. This is my second marriage to and i expected more from it. Sad thing is we have only been married for 2 months, my luck right so am thinking about leaving him. How can someone be lonely in a relationship?

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I have read your stories, and feel your pain. I am sleeping in the next room, and was told "your always mad about something". Well quess what, living in a sexless, no affection marriage for 16 years will do that to you. Sorta like the scene in City Slickers. I have loved, worked to make her happy, while she secretly ruined my credit, to end up with nothing more than a roommate that claims to love me. I'm a decent looking, caring, loving husband, and I'll give you all the right answer now. Who cares what their excuse is, they are selfish, narcistic people, who could care less about your needs, until you threaten to leave. Have you told them how you feel, sure you have, countless times. But they still sleep back turned. Is **** helping, of course not, it makes you feel cheap. Maybe some change, but just long enough to get you comfortable. It is time for a change. It will be hard, but no harder than feeling no love till you die.

Try getting to actually know a woman before marrying. Make sure she is actually into you, i.e. and you don't get that information from asking the girl. Its a question you have to ask yourself. Everything is always great during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship. Try living together for awhile before making such big promises to each other. She may have genuinely thought she loved you at the time. She's probably right, you probably are always mad about something since you describe how you've told her how you feel and she spent the night with her back turned to you. A guy who is pissed off because things aren't going his way is NOT sexy. At all. You don't look like a "man" who has been deprived of his humanity... but rather you look like a man who has lost his way. You probably married the women for who you wanted her to be and not for who she actually was... and still is today. You got kids? If someone saying yes to an insane question like "Will you marry me?" and having your baby and making a home for you isn't enough... you'll probably never be happy. You might have to take a look in the mirror and decide who you are and what you want and take responsibility for that instead of blaming everybody else for not bending to your will like you wanted.

I am sorry but this reply is bs and shows the true narcissistic nature of a non affectionate spouse.

You make a lot of assumptions, I lived with my wife for five years prior to marriage and we have been together for 16 years total. Our physical relationship was ideal prior to the birth of my children after that she stopped taking care of herself, doesnt care how she looks or dresses and could care less if we ever get affectionate again.
Both you and I know that if I left , that she would be at the gym, getting new clothes and would to pretend to be a lady long enough to land another guy because thats what many women do. To say this is not true is bs because almost every guy I know feels similar

I agree 100%. I am trying to not be bitter but it is hard after 14 years of marriage and for 10 I haven't been told I was loved. sex is once a month if I am lucky. She has said she doesn't care if she has sex. she has said she thinks she can only love the kids. I am not a perfect man by any means but I gave her everything including my heart. I take great pride in being a father and being a good husband. I believed my wife should have come first and then the kids would be happier for it. it killed me everyday to spoon her and her to never hug me. roll her eyes when I tried to kiss her. We had everything too and yet it was never enough. Our home wasn't fancy enough, our cars weren't good enough. Always something... But guess what when I left for the 6 or 7th time she begs me to come back, promises to change and realizes what an amazing man I am and she is sorry for never saying I love you. So I went back every time and after a few weeks it was back to the same. I just left for the last time.... I hope. I am so tired of living a loveless, sexless, passionate less marriage. It kills me to leave my kids but I feel I need to for myself. I will be a better father when I can show them love with out bitterness towards their mother. It hurts so bad to be the one that had to leave everything even though I was the one that tried. Why do I have to pay the price for her being unwilling to work with me on the marriage. I have tried to talk to hear, I have tried to send an email once in awhile to show here articles that show we are not alone in our struggles, show her I want it to work. she says she doesn't have time to deal with this. She actually tells me to stop complicating her life. She has other things to deal with. We all have things to deal with, our marriage should be near the top of the priority list. Especially when one or the other is in need.

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My wife goes through periods where she can only focus on one thing. Along came the baby and she lost all interest in me. So after four years I told her if she didn't change or go to counseling with me, I'd leave. She was not interested. So I left for a few days. She suddenly turned into an affectionate lover again. All was well until she started studying for an important exam. Now she is too tired and will agree to have sex once a week if I am lucky, every Saturday night, and just get it over with. No kissing or cuddling then or any other time. Demands that I stay on my side of the bed so she can sleep ready for another hard day studying. I think she's obsessive compulsive or maybe just selfish. My business is bringing in less money temporarily and she has started being hostile, because a real man goes to work 9 to 5 and brings home the bacon. I'm either away overseas or home getting ready for another trip. She has the nice house, new mercedes, buy anything she wants. Plus her sister and teenage nephew are living with us at my expense because they are refugees who don't speak English. My wife whines about lack of money even though I spent a ton on a house for the sister and legal fees for her sisters immigration and for her sisters husbands legal problems (now he is in prison). When I point out why we have less money than usual, my wife starts insulting me. When the money comes back and the relatives leave, my wife will be kinder to me. But I will remember her heartlessness long after she has forgotten why she thinks that right now I am a useless ***hole. It's funny, now I realize why I married her was because she was crazy about me for a few months, now she has other interests, I am nothing but a meal ticket. You can kick me only so many times. It makes me less inclined to be faithful.

She's not in love with you, hell she doesn't even love you. She is just using you and this is pretty obvious. Worse than that she's abusive. Get a lawyer and get all of your ducks in a row and get out while you can. As soon as she gets out of school, that she has you paying for (bitching while she drives a mercedes? Really?!) she will either divorce you and take as much of your money and things as she can or she will get pregnant once or twice and as soon as the kids are old enough to go to school she will divorce you and get alimony. Five bucks says you're in a state that has palimony too. (Shaking head sadly)
Ive seen this scenario with the same set of complaints and EXACT immigration story numerous times. Run.

I'm sorry so many of you are struggling with this problem, but I am the frigid wife and I can tell you how it is for me and maybe it'll help you figure things out a bit. First off I love my husband, totally crazy for him, he's my best friend and he is so patient with me. When we have sex it's always nice for both of us most of the time. I'm just not affectionate...Most of the time it's because my head is totally doing something else and I can't just switch, and sometimes when he asks me or starts touching me I get frustrated because it seems like that's all he wants and it's difficult for me to be aroused when he wants me to be. We have gotten an adult subscription box and that's usually a guarantee of sex 2 a month to try out the goodies, but a lot of the time I'm too high strung to to even think about sex, much less desire it. What helps a lot is just a relaxing time together, no tv or movies but just going for a walk and having tea helps most of the time because it gets my mind off of everything going on in my head. I know all women are different but I hope some of this helps.

This is so crazy. I hear you guys story and trip on the reality of things. I know she loves me, but I don't feel that I turn her on. I'm a guy whi has never had issues with this until I married the one I loved. Maybe its karma. I have been married and faithful for 8 years together for ten. I have spoken out on how I feel, I have always worked and taken care of the home. On top of that have gicen her all the attention she could ever want. She is spoiled. What sucks about the whole thing is when we do have sex its great for both of us. Is it a medical or mental condition, I don't know maybe I just want too much attention or want to feel wanted. I'm tired of being the initiator everytime. Somethings got to give

This is all to real --- I am a moment away from punching credit card details into a NSA sex site -- REALLY.........!!! Now before I am judged and labelled you should know that I have tried everything to please my wife even to a point of just making the point . If the excuse is X it WILL manifest into Y and so on and so on. But she does not want me to leave !!!!! Am I sincerely not getting this fellow readers? Do I run multi-million funded projects and employ so many people but through some minor brain malfunction just DO NOT have the intelligence to figure this one out. I have sat down and given her the opportunity for me to leave without anger and resentment, in other words agreeing with her that clearly I am not good enough for her and will not hold her back in finding the man that makes her happy -- yet she stays......but does not change, loves me but will not have me!! ---- REALLY!!!! ---- WTF am I missing here? and NO its not the money as she has ton's of it. Why can I just not get it? What am I not seeing? To top it all and NO not to sound self indulgent at all, I am told (Irritatingly almost) by other woman that I am a physically well kept guy, good looking, very funny, intelligent and generally a full bag of marbles.......and yes I believe the hammer in the tool box ain't for small nails. I am not a wife or kid smasher, I don't wear her clothes after dark, I am a loyal friend, honest with integrity. Anyway I'm starting to sound desperate even to myself right now, kind of selling myself, looking for affirmation -- but I'm failing in getting the attention from the only person I need it from. (Just trying to paint an accurate picture for everyone). Clearly I love the woman I married as then why even bother to right this in the first place. Perhaps if there are any other females out there who operate or treat their husbands like this then I beg for your reasons of WHY. Have fun all, cheers for now.

Its amazing the number of people on this blog that feel the same as I do. I have already tried some of the suggestions on the blog..being more romantic, being extremely helpful around the house, cooking/cleaning/laundry/support her in her career. I have spoken to her a couple of times about how frustrated I am about the lack of sex in our relationship and her response is she doesn't like it and its not for her and for me to deal with it. So now I am left with three options: 1- continue to suffer. 2- Go and cheat 3.- Walkaway from the relationship . It is really hard to be kind and caring on a daily basis when there isn't anything in return!

Best advice: Get out. kids learning bad relationship role models that will f them up later in life.

She's a cold fish, you don't deserve it, most people cannot emotionally survive without physical contact. People who avoid contact were themselves brought up by cold miserable mothers, and strict, sometimes abusive.

I'll keep it simple. Tell her how you feel, ask if there is a reason you are feeling this way. She may not realize how obviously distant she is being. Suggest counseling, and if she agrees, immediately schedule. Don't wait just because you have one good conversation. I don't advocate staying in a loveless relationship but I believe in trying everything you can. Really trying.

I feel for you All i am going through the same thing. I am on my 2nd marriage and am only 28. The first marriage. Ended When I returned home from Iraq years ago and literally found a man knocking on my door with roses to my ex wife and another sliding out the back door. That marriage ended abruptly. The only Response I ever got of why was. Your were go and no longer interesting. How ever i was young and stupid and did what most core boys did and got married before going off to war lol.

I am now on my 2nd marriage I have another child and a couple of step kids with her. We have been married for the last 4 years. Going on 5-6 years of being . together. For the last 3 years of our marriage My wife has been nothing but cold to me. Avoids any talks about our marriage. Avoids any sex and also avoids any form of cuddling and holding hand in public. The 3 simply words only ever get said when i say them. Depending on her mode is if she can bother to respond. The only reason why she states she does not say it. Was because she did not like being pressured. Our marriage has become so void of emotion that for the last 2 anniversary she has fallen asleep half way through the night. The next day when any comments are made about no sex or not spending time with each other all she could do is say so. Our last new years was settled with her starting another fight and turning around sitting in another room on her tablet so she did not have to bother with intimacy on any level . What ****** me off the most about this . Is she no longer acts like a wife or fulfills any form of our duties as a wife. But demands for me to do . This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do . Do i stay to be with my young daughter and keep taking care of her kids. Or do i be free and find some one whom does not make an excuse.

when I say we no longer make love. Well i mean in the manner of we only cuddle and kiss, maybe make love once twice three times tops a year.

Ok folks... I don't feel like telling my story right now, sufice it to say that it is scary accurate how close so many of these posts are to my life!

I want to comment on the children issue. We don't have children BUT I am the child of parents that were divorced AND both of those parents have married multiple times. My dad 3 (finally stayed with the last one, 25+ years now) and my mom....ummm.. 5 marriages? I think. she's settled down too, finally!

Anyway. If you EVEN THINK you are doing your kids a FAVOR by 'Staying Together for the Kids' let me tell you that you are DEAD WRONG!!! Not only do they see all of your problems even if you think they don't, they are ALSO LEARNING the bad relationship problems and they are being mentally filed away as NORMAL!! This will F' them up bad later in life.

I worked in commercial printing for 16 years. At the time it was the job with the highest divorce rate in the world, so I got first-hand experience watching divorces and divorces with kids.

If you have kids and you can't see any way to fix your relationsip and have been working at this for years, GET OUT! Your life is already f'd up, don't runi the kids lives too! ...yeah they will ***** for a while (the kids) about school/friends etc, but it will pass and be FAR LESS damaging than staying in the misery.

I would suggest giving some time alone so she can think things through and when the time is right she will come to you and ask for whatever it is she wants.

guys i have bee there stayed in a relationship for 13 years for my daughter .. it was the wrong thing to do .. if you are unhappy do something about it. tell you woman ( wife or partner ) Ie she is suppose to be your partner . how you feel if you responds great . if not move on . it is hard I know , but I don't know if I could go 1 or 2 years without affection or love let alone no sex for that long ..

I know how you feel minus the kids. Been marriage just over 4 yrs with no sex from the beginning. Most people on EP think I should leave while the we have no kids but here I am still. Why? I don't really know.

Maybe she wants you to be more romantic not sexual.

Sorry, but this oft-mentioned-from-women meme is baloney for a couple of reasons. First of all, a guy can go to a bar to get laid. But a guy who has devoted his life, time, energy, finances, and emotions to a woman, promised to love her, maybe bought a home together, raising kids...as much work as any human being can possibly wrap up with another...and now when there's very little free time because of all that, the woman is going to put up an *extra* obstacle course to sex?!? That is wrong on many levels.

That said, the biggest problem with this well-meaning advice is that I'm sure everyone here has tried that, and nothing changes. And after a while, you start to resent it. Imagine being hungry every day, and you're supposed to go to the person who's making you hungry and bark like a seal in the hopes of getting a little extra fish when you've already committed your life to them. It's demeaning and demoralizing. It's betrayal of the marriage, and since kids are often involved, it's also a form of blackmail where behavior that would easily lead to a divorce without kids doesn't happen because of concerns about the kids. It's essentially a passive-aggressive form of destroying a marriage, and frankly such a spouse deserves to cheated on; it's certainly no more of a betrayal. But try therapy first. ;)

Sound like you don't really want your marriage to work out anyways. If you don't even want to try my advise then why are you on this site asking for advise? Seems like you know it all already and that is getting you oh so far.

Umm, try reading more closely. 1) I said everyone here has surely tried your scary-brilliant advice, and 2) I'm not the OP.

I'm in the same boat, and ive been thinking. Its not all our fault or our wive's. it has a lot to do with society. Everything we do as a man is frowned upon and is labeled things like machismo. Lets face it, we've lost our manly ways... Our testosterone robbed from us. Don't you remember back in high school & college? The girls always went for the jerks! The testosterone "it's my way and I don't care if ur gone tomorrow cuz I've got 3 more lined up" all around tough guys. I used to be one... But now, we try to do everything to please the woman.... and u may have guessed it.... we're in the friend zone. Solution? There is none I can think of. Maybe a divorce and become a playa. How can u act like a "real man" ,by men's definition, in our current society and remain married? Your wife will divorce u in a heart beat. So, the key is to be a real badass... There are women that do put up with it, and their husbands aren't in the same boat we're on.

Ironic how single people (sometimes cheating, married ones as well) will go out, hook up and have sex the same night, while us, devoted loving husbands are forced to wait for years to get a little kiss every now and then and NO sex as if we were smeared with feces or had leprosy allover our bodies.
I've been married for 15, the last 3 absolutely no affection, no sexual contact. While in bed, backs turned with enough room to park a snowmobile in between. I'm under mine, she under her own small comforter. It is pathetic, no "I love you" Even when I say it first she rarely responds with the same, but I can tell she hates to say those three simple words.
Sending her email messages professing my undying love for her, almost never getting any responses and if there is one, it looks like it has been typed by a stranger and signed with her name. In most cases there isn't even a name under her frigid reply- so impersonal it's ridiculous.
When confronted, she claims she does love me but her actions sure speak to the contrary.
Hmm, and I thought it was us guys who were most likely to get disconnected and become lousy partners.
I hate my predicament yet believe it or not, I still love her and hope she'll change her ways.
If not, come the new year, I'm gone- life's too short to be subjecting myself to such an abuse. I'll become A-sexual and live out the remaining few decades of my life by myself, all alone. I'm done allowing my heart to be ripped out and stepped on.

My story is SOO similar tomany others here. Married 20 years with 2 kids . My wife and I are like 2 roommates that share the house.

My question is , do most marriages ten out this way?....with little or none love and affection? ...or should I divorce and try again?

WOW! I am a 46 year old woman and I am living this story. I have been in a relationship for 9 years and we just got married 12-12-12. I have 2 step children and my mother-n-law that lives with us. No matter how much I give or do, my partner has no affection for me. We sleep in the same bed where I feel alone. Everything that I am they are not. It has become a sad situation. I question til death do us part.

Maam, I\'m so so sorry, I know exactly how you feel.
My situation is messed up too.
What did we do wrong to be treated like this?
I don\'t feel sorry for myself anymore, I just want something to change, whatever that may be.
I wish you to stay strong, remember you must come first, if he doesn\'t love you, you must love yourself.
Please take care of yourself and think of better days of the past.
Try to listen to the music from when you were 15-20 years old.
I have and it helped me a little.
God Bless you.

Was she ever affectionate? Did it stop? If she never was then she most likely never will be. I understand your feeling, as I am very touchy feely. My H was not wjen we met but he became affectionate for the first time w me. He slows it down sometimes and I need to remind him how important affection is to me. He usually listens and shows it again.

I had a serious talk with him about how important this was to me. Made him understand its something I need.

Ok well this is marriage. Ive learned two things from it. One as soon as we get married all the "trying" comes to a halt... Why because we got what we wanted and dont feel the need to be impressive anymore.

Now the second thing i've learned and the more important is communication is a huge key to marriage. In plain and simple text just ask the people in your lives...where has the affection gone from our lives? Where is the romance? Guys women like romance. Even if ur bad at comin up with romantic stuff thankfully the internet is full of ideas. If you really love the person you're with work it out. Give them a chance to change aFter you've given them a good talk about your needs? Why you feel neglected. Try to conversate somewhere not at home so things dont escalate into an argument. Everyone is different because u know what i was that other person in your life who didn't give any attention because i had my own things going on. But if you have a serious talk Things may change.

In a similar situation we will be separating in the next month or so when my Husband gets his place. We both have our faults. I need to just be hugged sometimes for no reason, I need some sort of attention. We go days without talking. I feel so alone lying in bed next to the man I love. I just feel so alone.

Married for 12 years, two kids and everyday with same topics and conversation about the boys their events and activities. I have a good income but after my second son ws born or before that there was no affection or intimacy considered something dirty or tabu to talk. Wil it change after 4 years with sexless life nor affection? Is enough reason for divorce?

Not sure what to tell ya but I'm the same age with two kids and have the exact same problem with my wife. I think it comes from being raised in a cold family.

I have been married for 7 years & my wife and I have a lot of changes going on with moving to a new home and area, working on the road part of each month and she has been working a very demanding new job. We used to have an incredibly active sex life. I have no desires for anyone else but I am starting to wonder if she is having desires for someone else because of her waining interest in me. We seem to argue more than before and lately since returning from a trip, she seems disinterested in my needs. I am not selfish at all and continue to give with helping with our daughter, around the house with cooking and cleaning, shopping ,etc. We are in are mid to late 30's and never saw this becoming a problem but it concerns me as we grow older. If is it this slowed now, what will happen as we get into our 40's and 50's? I do have a very high libido and always have but my wife generally would match it. She would roleplay, dress up and we would have incredible sex but lately it has been obsolete at best. Any suggestions?

After 25 yrs. of marriage I find her lustfulness has waned and I just don't wish to pursue. I like the feeling of mutual desire, its like no means no so I now look elsewhere to fulfill my desires, with someone else who wishes to be kissed, touched and tasted. Strange that I feel like a moth being drawn to the flame as it would end a great relationship. We enjoy soooo many other things that make a great relationship, travel, books, many friends, just not that one thing.

Being deprived of physical affection is a horrible thing as time drags on. We all need it, and it runs much deeper than sex.......

Mate. Same thing here . Cold as ice . Constantly comparing me to her late ex husband ( they only married a year before he took his own life ) . I have been married to my wife for 13 years now and we have 4 kids altogether .She has two from the previous marriage and we have two together. I only take the abuse because I will never leave my kids ( all 4 of them ) They mean the world to me .I love my wife ,but this is getting harder to say everyday. What upsets me most times is that she has a lot of friends with whom she has warm relations with ( men and women ) but as soon as she enters the house , you can feel the atmosphere change and everything is serious and cold .I do most of the cooking and cleaning in the house . I prep and take the kids to school everyday and I have a full time job . Dont know myself what I can do . I have thought about having an affair yet that goes against my morals and I love her too much too cheat on her.( even though I feel cheated at the moment ). There are no more sexual relations . Cuddles , kisses . They have not happened for years now . I am a very virile person and I crave the closeneness and intimacy we once shared .

Well. I've been married nearly 20 years and the sex has just stopped. I'm over that as it would be forced and my wife just is t "feeling it" any more we may have actually been intimate 3-4 times in 10 years. I get no reward for accepting her depression and mood swings for which there are many. She is overly affected by her passing beauty and is adamant that she will not allow the ageing process to occur and won't leave the house without full hair and make up. I work and clean and cook and support her dad and brother. I am happy inside and carry this burden and would never ever cheat, but my ability to not press the sex thing is not rewarded but instead scrutinised as being sly and underhanded as I obviously have a mistress. My wife is heavily jealous of all others and I can't speak to other women as my wife goes crazy. I am loved hated loved hated and the love is barely minimal but the hate can be HUGE. So huge I have been screamed at "I want a divorce" so many times yet directly after I am cooking dinner and everything is back to normal. I am stuck as I won't divorce and she won't love me like I deserve to be loved. I feel if she could stand on her own feet financially we wouldn't be together as her temper would have sent me packing already. I have been told I am an enabler to her need for a servant, but I love her and don't know what else to do. Thanks for listening guys.

Seems like several of the posters are being emotionally abused.
Marriage is a two way street there is no reason to keep treating someone like they are a queen if they are going to keep neglecting you. I see a bunch of relationships here where one person loves and other person allows themselves to be loved this my friends is not much of a marriage.

I was in the same boat, but I realized I had no one to blame but myself as I keep putting up with it.

i feel for you, except my hubby is pretty unloving. he's pretty cold actually. the only hugs and cuddling I get is from my kidz. my hubby already told me he can't stand the way my skin feels.

Your position is tough. To be told one doesn't like the way your skin feels means there is a lack of love, concern for your feelings. He didn't learn much in the sandbox.

no, from what I've heard he didn't really play with other kidz. He was in the house watching tv. so, ya, no lessons at the sandbox

damn fella. i know exactly what you're dealing with. same thing here. gets defensive when i approach the subject "that's all that matters to you!" ect. "if you didn't pressure me we would have more sex!" did that and we went from 1 every 2weeks to once every 6-8wks. its a nightmare. frustrated all the time. i can never get to sleep. wanna pull my hair out. first 4mos we were like rabbits. as soon as she felt like ahead this locked down sex became a problem. Im getting mad just writing this.

So many stories here, they almost all sound like mine rolled into one. When my wife and I first met we were very passionate, outgoing, doing the fun loving dating things couples do. No it all seems to have come to a complete halt. I try to do anything I can to make her happy, but even these last few days that has seemed impossible. It seems like everything I do is never good enough. I just don't know if it is her or me. I d things around the house to make life easier on her, a lot of times I have worked doubles just to try and make some extra money to treat her to something special. I tell her how much I love her, how beautiful she is.
I don't know what it is, I just feel like a splinter under her nail. I miss my old wife and now I feel myself in the throes of depression, yet if I try to talk about it, I am being a drama queen. I just don't know what to do anymore. I hate feeling like this, so sad, so down. helpless, yet I yearn to see her smile to have her hug me and me her, to hold her in my arms or feel her arms around me, or just to kiss. Maybe I should just give up. I don't know. I keep saying that I do, but find myself trying even harder. I feel what everyone here is going through, it does hurt.

me too. i just try harder and harder. no affection at all. Im almost to the point of saying i love you and don't want to leave you but Im gonna have to find a mistress or Im gonna go crazy.

Im a 43
Year old married man married 23 years who loves his wife more than i can say we have 2 girls aged 23 20 we also have 2 grand kids,we r going through the same as many of yall.we havent been affectionate for 14 years we have sex once every 6 months but its scheduled no affection gentle men im praying for all of you.shes not cheating i know for sure.being a loyal honest man is not for wimps.we all know this whats bad is she thinks its normal.my wife has had 9 back neck spinal cord surgeries and a pace maker so leaving is not and never will b an option.our probs started way b4 her injuries guys hang in there .maybe we had a pole shift and its affecting their brains?so good luck honestly what can we do?get a call girl or turn gay which isnt an option.they win they have all the power they have half of the money and all the *****!so thats check mate!but setiously we go in to request councelling today