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My Wife Shows No Affection

I am a 39 year old man in pretty good shape, 6'2" and fairly good looking.  I am a very affectionate and loving person, but my wife is not.  I am always the one to initiate sex, hugs, kisses, or any type of physical contact.  I don't understand why she's so cold to me.  I love her with all my heart, but she is breaking me down.  I have tried doing more of the housework, working out 5 days a week, anything I could think of to get her more interested in me but nothing works.  She tells me that she loves me, but she doesn't make me feel loved at all.  I want her to want to be with me without me asking her too.  We have 2 kids that I am committed to being here for, so I am at a loss as to what I should do.  Sorry for rambling.

raptor660 raptor660 36-40, M 253 Responses Nov 18, 2009

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Like all the others I am experiencing the same. Ive been married before, have a son with my previous and been in various relationships with differing scenarios. The hardest thing to find is a common place and a place in which both parties feel the common ground. Life is full of so many things both good and bad, happy and sad. Trying to find the balance is very difficult. My fiance and I love all the same things, sex drive is good on both parts however I am so much more affectionate. She had told me of some abusive things in her past as a child and was very open and forthcoming to tell however to discuss for long is cut short quickly as im sure for her is still hard to discuss. I thought ive had connections in previous relationships but her and I connect well and everything feels perfect except her ability to be more forward when it comes to showing affection. She said it makes her feel not so good or awkward. I wish I could help her feel more love. I don't know if she interprets love as a direct correlation to what others mentioned as apologies to abusive acts when they were younger. If it is the case I can understand but the sad part is they miss out on being so loved. Something so many people wish they had and unfortunate that those who can have it cannot internalize the true meaning of love because for them its associated with horrible acts of abuse. All I can do is love her like I know and try to understand that she can only love me as much as she knows to. I wish you all the best and hope you can all find your "Common Ground"

I am the one that is not showing enough affection! I am not cheating and do not wish to be in a different relationship. I love my husband with all my heart body and soul, however it is hard to show affection because of my past. affection was given as an apology for abuse, or as a coax for sexual abuse. maybe your spouse has a past, dont jump to the conclusion that they are cheating.

You describe exactly how my husband is making me feel at the moment. It's a lonely existence, even lonelier than my single days.

Everyone blames the man. That is B.S. Women can be bad news as wives and mothers. I know I am married to one. After 10 years of what I thought was a great marriage and it was, she told me her obligation was done. Also she said she only married me because she thought it was "time" to do so. She stopped caring for our children at this point as well. All she ever cares about now is herself. Period. Have not had sex with her in too many years to even think about. I will not divorce her because that is what she wanted after 10 years. Too bad. Im not gona hand over half of what I built to a horrible person. Thats what she counted on and its not gona happen. The best thing that has happened about this is I have developed much greater relationships with my children.

I'm feeling the same! What is it with these women! We do all they ask for and beyond and then nothing in return! Then they wonder why we start looking for that attention else where!

Wow,
I'm in the exact same boat or hell that is described above.

I don't know what to do any longer.

Thought it was me wrote this. Exactly my situation . I'm starting to think she's cheating and when I speak my mind she calls me a weirdo haha. This is probably from no affection she also talks to me different then others she is more interested in others convo than mine . I don't know I'm glad I'm not the only one goin through this.

Guys,when your wife suddenly becomes cold and distance.She may be cheating. Check it out !

I am in a similar boat, my wife and I have been married for about 8 years , been together around 12. When we met she was a student , now she has her masters and is an excellent kindergarten teacher. I am proud of her but in the past year she has become quite cold and distant. We see each other so very little and she chooses extra time at work instead of taking time on us. She never initiates any type of affection anymore it always has to be me. She has begun to just not call me after work and stay late. I dont know what to do at this point we have three children , it breaks my heart every second of every day but trying to be open and honest with her only makes her lash out, and accuse me of trying to control her life.

Im at my end. I dont want a life without her but its so very saddening to love someone so much and not feel it in return.. thanks for letting me vent here.

Im not trying to be funny here, but, I believe your wife may be having an affair. Before others become completely unglued by that seemingly subjective statement, affairs are not always person-meets-married-person affairs. Your wife could be having some type of mental affair with a person, place, job, etc. Your wife is so self absorbed, your only hope is to seek counseling together. Experience talking, not guessing. Think about it, if things have been left to unravel this far, then imagine what it will be like in another 8 years...if you two exist at all as a couple. Find a reputable marriage counselor quickly. I know as a man it is hard to admit we need the help, but its either that or watch the situation continue to diminish as you enter into a resentment stage and worse yet, you both will put your children right in the middle of it. Seek help soon my friend.

It is. It's soul-destroying.

I married my husband with the understanding that he is in the wheel chair. He initially tried to make me believe that he could obtain an erection and he can not. I accepted it because I love him, and would accept the affection he had for me because it was so frequent and genuine. As soon as we moved into the house and got married, I swear the man, stopped taking me out, spending quality time, no intimacy. I am so ready to go. So not to cheat on GOD, because nothing I do is right..

I completely understand your feelings. I also married someone who could not obtain an erection. I believed in my heart that the love I had for him was enough and that I could deal with not having intercourse. However after 13 years I am experiencing no affection at all. My husband has also stopped going out with me , there is no intimacy. He spends all of his time asleep and when he is awake he watches cartoons. When I come home from work, he is asleep. I realize he takes a lot of medication that may make him sleepy. But I know that his medical condition (diabetes) requires him to be active. I have not been out with him in years. Not even for a walk in the park. He gets angry and lashes out at me when I try to talk to him about how I feel. I asked him if I could take him out on a date and he asked me if I was trying to relive my childhood. How insensitive. I hate the loneliness I feel. I am becoming very emotionally distraught and will cry if the weather changes. There is a part of me that wants to go, but I made a vow to love in sickness, health, etc. I pray about it all the time, because I do love him. I just want some affection in return. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you and hope you find the answer you seek. Thank you for allowing me to vent also.

Thank you so much for your response. Yes, I understand what he is going through. We have made several appointments to see various doctors. We have talked about the situation and he knows that I am on his side. When it comes time to go to the doctor he will make up a reason not to go. I have never pressured him on this or made him feel anything other than he is my love and my heart.

I have been forceful on trying to get him to take care of his health. He has a heart condition that I make sure he goes to the cardiologist regularly. However he doesn't take it seriously. He still smokes. It doesn't matter how I encourage him to take care of his health, he has got to want to be healthy for himself.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I have the same issue but with my wife. She works and all but I take care of the kids and all housework, on top of working a full time job. I get little to no physical affection, she says the "I love you" all the time. However I believe that a person should not say that to someone and then turn them away physically. Just wanted to let you know your not alone.

you are indeed worthy to be called a woman for all you said here. If you are a christian and you want joy in your marriage, i will help you fix it. It is very simple. inbox me here to get updates

Hello, thank you for your response. Please explain your comment.

Hi, FYI I'm a married male. If I were you I would leave and file for divorce. Not being able to get an erection is one thing. However he is now withholding all affection from you. That is unjustified and you should not have to put up with it.

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<p>I too have been married nearly 18 months, working two jobs, working around the house and trying to launch a small business., and instead of being appreciated all my never healthy wife does is complain and make excuses. her grown children live rent free while I've become a slave. it's really dragging me down to the point I'm ready to leave. When it comes to sex, I'm always refused and I'm nearly to the point of bringing in a woman to be with me as she won't make an effort to save our sexless marriage. send me a woman please.

I've never understood why people who are allegedly 'at the end of their rope' don't take the ultimate risk, honesty. Your complaints, while perhaps founded, sound like a young child. 'They don't like me, all they do is take my stuff, so Im gonna step out...that'll show em!'. Negative. You have to think smarter than that. First, who's fault is it that you are overwhelmed with work? Sounds like maybe there is a msall chance that your home life isn't what you like it to be so now you are 'unavailable' all the time or as the modern adult calls it, 'busy'. Interesting you phrase it, "...my never healthy wife...". Are you saying shes overweight? Constantly doesn't feel well, what does that phrase mean? It sounds like you've already adopted a mind of negativity about your spouse. I think sometimes people think, say or post things about their spouse with out remembering, this is the person whom you loved enough to walk down the isle with (Or in whatever fashion you became married). If you've allowed yourself to become a 'slave', the hard medicine to take here is, that is your doing. Sex, if you peruse other millions of posts on similar topics by people in similar situations, is an all-too-common "weapon" used in marriage by one partner or another to administer what little control they feel they have in the relationship. Unfortunately, you have bigger issues in your house hold to address than sex. Granted that's the most physical and perhaps most 'pressing', but, not the tip of the marital troubles pyramid. There are always two sides to every story, much like a pancake, and unfortunately on sites like these, we can't get the whole story. However, from what little you have posted, it seems like there is more than you are sharing. Perhaps some control issues on your side? Ever been told you are too 'tight' with the wallet in the house? Perhaps your spouse, and from what we can gather by reading your brief post, doesn't work and relies solely on your income, which you have seemingly voluntarily taken on more work to increase. Sometimes, this leads to resentment on the non-working spouse's part and begins a snowball at the top of a mountain. Lets review: Your newly weds (Sorry, I've been married 20 years, 18 months ain't #@$^), you have taken on multiple jobs, launching a new business, the house work, you have allowed her children to establish themselves in you and your wifes home, you feel enslaved, you state you are 'always' refused sex and you are considering adultery. Friend, you need to reboot your marriage. My advice, and lets face it, Im just a person on the internet, so take it how you will, is to start at the top of this multi-layered issue and work your way down. As I opened with, you need to start with honesty, not adultery. What do I mean, you ask, "I have complained to her thousands of times and nothing changes", bet you didn't know I knew that you have already complained to her thousands of times, right? Why, simple. Every marriage runs this course in some form or fashion, its just a little more difficult to untangle in your case. So, now, lets try it differently. Send the slave-driving kids out for a night, give them each a benj$ and tell them to go find something to do on a Friday or Saturday night. Once the kids are gone, you and your wife will experience this moment, this thing you used to know, its called silence. Suddenly no more kids to worry about, no more 'slave drivers', just you and the wife. Then, cook dinner, order dinner, what you know will appeal to her and invite her to sit and eat with you, just one on one. Once the meal starts, address her as the love of your life, not like the enemy. Address her like and adult, not a whiny kid, she probably gets plenty of that from the live-in 'failure to launch' generation that's sharing your hot-water. I advise writing down the 3 main points you need, as a couple, to address together and one by one, go over each point, patiently, calmly and with out raising your voice. Listen, this scenario may not happen first time out, but once your wife realizes that these are real issues for BOTH of you to address (In other words, starting out the conversation with 'you suck because...' or 'you must do this or that..', that's not how growed up people talk, not is it? Right, so approach her with the respect your wife deserves and talk with her. You think, "sure, easier said than done, right." and it would be true. This isn't a conversation or plan you throw together in an hour. You need to think this through, completely. "But wait, I have a TON of issues, 3 won't even scratch the surface". Ya and Rome wasn't built in a day Romeo, so start with the top 3. I would almost bet your left testicle that you probably won't even get past the first two, so slow down, take it one small bite at a time. Key to this conversation is letting her know she is safe to respond to these issues, as long as it is calm and respectful, in anyway she would like. That is, if your wife doesn't feel safe, that there won't be some form of physical or financial retribution for her honesty, then this is wash, won't work, may as well save your breath. Saying things like, "when we married, I thought it would be you and I starting a new life together. Now I am worried with two other adults in the house, we will feel like children trapped at home again with our parents constantly in our business." is far more effective than statements like, "you kids suck". You see the diff there Billy Bob? As I said earlier, this is not a tactic to be taken lightly, it should be well thought out, you should be well rested, in the correct frame of mind, etc. I highly recommend you write notes and use them to keep the conversation on track. Sometimes spouses will go in the opposite direction when it comes down to face to face honesty and try the age old 'make about something else' tactic and in modern society where everyone is so on-guard and out for themselves, this tactic works well. Use your notes to keep the conversation on track and be strong willed in not allowing the conversation to be re-directed. If you stay the course and stay out of the child like name calling or blame game, your wife will eventually realize you two are not children anymore and that this situation is serious and needs addressed. Lastly, once the conversation is near closure you need to let her know that if these issues are not addressed, there are consequences. (DO NOT threaten your spouse). By consequences, I mean you let her know that (Heres where being honest is tough, but hey, your already one foot in another womans arms, so, what do you have to lose?) you would consider legal separation or stay at a friends house for a month until she is willing to discuss or even better, help take action to resolve these issues WITH YOU. Never lead her to believe the problems are all her because you have played just a big a role in allowing these things to happen in your house hold. You two met as a couple, dated as a couple, married as a couple, live as a couple (Albeit, poorly) and you will *resolve issues* as a couple. See how all those statements are similar? They all have the word "couple" in them, not SHE or HE or YOU or THEY. As long as this post is and as doubtful as I am that you will read it, much less all of it, and even less that you would actually consider it, it doesn't scratch the surface of 'marital situations 101' that should be taught prior to every marriage. That all said, if you are so determined to get some strange, then what do you have to loose? No one ever sat in front of a judge and had to plead guilty to "I treated my wife like a grown adult and had an honest but tough discussion with her". No, you would just end up another sucker paying for a divorce once the wife found out and quite frankly, regardless of how big you think the halo over your head is, everyone around you knows your a cheating scum-bag who got caught justifying why he should be able to go stick is sword fish in some other woman's wahoo (Awesome salt water fishing reference if you didn't catch it, man Im good). Anyway, if you believe none of this, at a minimum, seek out a reputable marriage counselor, even if she will not go, and discuss the situation, see what they recommend. I am willing to bet the above information could save you a ton of ca$h and heart ache though. Best of luck and as they say, don't get caught with your trousers down, mate.

This is one of the lucid, hit the nail on the head no nonsense posts I have ever read. Thank you CP

you talk a lot about respect,yet you do not show it!! much like the situation this fellow and i are in!!

you have some really good points i must say!! but a very disrespectful way of communicating them!!

After reading your reply,,,you sound like an ignorant jerk to me,,,full of pride and other bs,,,you really are just making up a lot,,,makes me think you are a person who fits the bill for what this poster was talking about to begin with,,do you feel guilty about being a poor mate,,,that is how this translates to me,,,

Wow love you reply.

The heck with her, just leave. If my kids were not little, I am not sure if I would still be here either. To be honest I truly love my wife. I think about her all day long, but being refused physically is really starting to take its toll on me. I even signed up on Ashley Madison, but I just cant see doing that to her. I guess I'm just a chump.

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I feel exactly the same!. He says he hasn't got a high sex-drive yet he was ringing chat lines as soon as we come home from going out!. ( I found that out after investigation). I've gone to bed and the telly is still on with babe station still on. I feel so low, so un-loved, un wanted, desired, cherished etc etc. Before i got with him. I was so foward with men. I want to be the 1 with him to start things going but i don't know how to approach him (like he dosen't want it)!. Very lonely.com ....

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I've been married for only 4 months. I work 2 jobs so my wife can stay home and raise our son. He is not biologically mine, but his real father has never wanted to be a part of his life. I gladly stepped in and have been helping my wife raise him. Since our honeymoon our sex lives have almost disappeared. She hardly tells me she loves me, never kisses me goodnight, and when I do touch her or put my arms around her she pushes me away. On top of all of this, our house is never clean, we have dishes and laundry stacked up all the time. So on my day off I usually do the laundry and dishes and clean. She says our son takes up all of her time. Really? I know he's very active, but I need help. I work 2 jobs to support us so she doesn't have to work, and she can't even do the dishes or hold me? Idk what to do. But I'm starting to get depressed and have found d myself even looking at other women. I don't think I could ever cheat, but it bothers me that it's even come to this. and in such a short time.

See my reply to Walteria above. Needs some tweaking for your version but, in short, time to sit down and have a heart to heart with Mrs Rubble before things deteriorate further. Best of luck.

if he's not yours and your not happy LEAVE! When she has to do it herself she will come crawling back. Then tell her to go to H***. She gave you all the attention you wanted until the ring was on and then she thought I have him trapped. So get your manhood and your balls back and leave.

Same here. We've been married a little over a year and it has gotten to the point where I won't see my husband except when he goes to sleep at night (and sometimes he doesn't even do that). He doesn't work, he doesn't help out around the house, we have no children, all he ever does is lock himself in the computer room all day and night for at the very least 16 hours a day (and sometimes fall asleep in there) THEN he will tell me he needs MORE "alone time". When you spend more than 16 hours a day ALONE why the hell would you need MORE alone time? Honestly there have been times where I will go months without any sort of physical contact with him, no affection, no "I love you", no attention, no sex just always nothing.
His ignoring me can last anywhere from days to weeks to months. And if I complain about it he uses that as an excuse to ignore me for even longer. He has actually promised over and over again to spend time with me he will set the date and the time and THEN when the time and date he picked comes around: NOTHING. Usually I will wait about four or five days to finally point out that he was supposed to spend time with me, he picked the day and time and then when it came around he didn't. You wanna know what that gets me? He uses that as an excuse to explain why he never spent time with me even though it was well after the day and time he picked.
When that happens it usually takes anywhere between another week up to a month for him to ever actually follow through on his promises. And by the time he finally does I am so angry and depressed from being completely ignored for so long its pointless anyways. Usually about the week mark in one of these "episodes" I get extremely depressed and spend the rest of the time crying while I wait for weeks and even months for him to FINALLY show me some sort of attention/affection. There have actually been times where I have left the house for more than 6 hours and he not even notice I left. Which only makes me feel that much worse. He honestly will show the dog more attention than he will me.
Today from the time he woke up at 11 am (he didn’t even go to bed until 5 am) until a little after 4 pm I said NOTHING to him because he complains if I even speak to him half the time. A little after 4 pm I knocked on the door to the computer room which he always keeps locked to remind him that he had to go somewhere with his friend and needed to get ready. You wanna know what he did? He screamed at me about how I have been nagging him all day and that’s why he never spends time with me and shows me no affection. After I had said absolutely NOTHING to him for over 5 HOURS. How the hell does that even make sense?!

That sounds awful. The fact he actually LOCKS himself in a room to use the computer suggests he's addicted to gambling or ****, or maybe he's chatting to other women.
I suggest you try and find out what he's doing in there, the answer maybe a clue on how to help support him or help decide what YOU need to do.

If you're in the st. Louis area please look me up. Sounds like we have a lot in common.

Your husband has an internet addiction. I know it sound funny, its still about a generation away from being a recognized 'disease' but, I lived it, I know what he's going through. You really want to see him flip? Go unplug the internet outside the house and don't tell him. I bet you $$ money he craps himself, will be the most miserable 10 seconds of your life (10 seconds because like any other addict, if the internet goes down (His addiction) he will begin to completely flake out with out his drug of choice...the net). I say that, he may only being addicted to computing or perhaps he's a programmer and they can be VERY reclusive. Again, I am not speaking out of my arse, I really have been down this road with my wife. So much so that at one point, she threatened to leave me. That was my wake up call, though, its a risky tactic, I do NOT recommend you consider that. Instead, you two need to seek help, perhaps you could work with one of his family members that are close to him or a friend. You would be surprised at the influence someone like that can have. Otherwise, you may just have to tell him point blank, sitting on the computer will not only eventually kill him, it will more immediately kill your marriage. Tell him in no less words, you two must seek counseling NOW. I DO NOT recommend you attempt to discuss his addiction, only that you two need to seek a reputable professional marriage counselor immediately. Untreated, you two will most likely not survive the addiction.

Pack your **** an leave. You are with a child not a man. He does not want a woman in his life. He is probably ************ and playing online games all day. You want to have some fun, while he is sleeping disconnect the internet and hide the damn cables. When he comes bitching, say "Oh now you want to talk to me?" Seriously move on.

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Weve always talked about anything. We've been together for 6 years. I'm not one to hold my tongue so I've mentioned to her before that I was feeling unloved. Her response last night was "I'm sorry. I know I'm like my mom!" Finally a break through. Her mother is the first mother I've ever met that's so unloving. I guess it's strange to me because my big Irish/Italian/Southern family is so overly lovable. We hug & kiss every time we see each other. My mom always played hair and my nanny still to this day curls my hair when she sits next to me. We've always supported each other & passed positive comments around just to make the others feel good but she's not like that and neither are her parents. Her family's so negative. They always find opportunity to put people down. Anyway I'm saying all this to say it's not you. I've read some of the comments too and my heart breaks for all of you. I'm with you though. I buy expensive things, I buy little thinking of you things, I leave little post it notes around the house, I plan trips and date nights, I tell her she's beautiful, and that she looks like she's losing weight, and nothing. She loves me & still intends to marry me but nothing. I get a hug & kiss maybe once a week, I get a back scratch on rare occasion when I ask. I've always been told it's the little things and always thought that was horse s***, but that's exactly what's missing. That's all I want. Little things like playing with my hair & holding my hand. Anyway she said she'd work on it, again. So I guess I'll ask God to help her work on it, again. Prayer is that only thing that has kept me from leaving. I read some of your post and see 25-30 years and think God how'd they do it for so long I don't think I can do that.

"...She loves me & still intends to marry me..." Um. Hmmm. Are you two living together...as in not married, living in the same residence??

My wife is so full of distrust that she carries her hand bag to the bathroom saying I'm going through her things. Then she sleeps tosses and turns and lays on her arm and says I did it during the night. She was diagnosed wit BP Disorder. She recently had a hysterectomy and is on hormone therapy. The psychiatrist told me she needs to be on meds but she refuses them and tells me she doesn't love me any longer. I overheard her on the phone telling her friend she cares for me but is not in love with me. I was devastated. I new it was the beginning of the end. I recently retired and expected to live the rest of my life with her but it doesn't look that way. We have no kids and we've been married for 26 years. We've known each other for 33 years and we're best friends. I still love her very much but she fantasizes about being away from me. When I try to have sex with her she says you'll never get this ever. You attack me in my sleep. Take my clothes and my other things. I told her over and over that I don't. This is a sign of schizophrenia, dementia and personality disorder mixed with her BP. The doctors told me she can have all of those illnesses together simultaneously. I was shocked. But I try to honor our vows but now I know we cannot live together. Perhaps she will find out I was right about her in my absence but I won't take her back after we divorce. Too much.

Your wife is ill. I am not an MD by any stretch, but, this is not the person talking, its the disease. You should work with you physicians who are treating your wife to see what you can do. Find some real support groups, not internet blog/chat site to hook up with, there are tons more spouse's living with these kinds of illnesses, you need to tap into their experience. You can't change the mind of expect someone who mentally ill to 'realize' or 'find out' anything. She's sick dude, find out how to help her and dig in, it could be a long and will be a bumpy ride.

Great subject.... I'm living this too.

I grew up in a house where my dad was mentally abusive towards my mom.... So I took the bad from this and swore I would be the complete opposite of this... Mission accomplished with ease.

But my girlfriend (4 years... 2 kids later) is cold... She hasn't kissed or touched me since November 2012!

She had a baby in July 2013. I understand she's tired from taking care of the baby.

But a slight show of affection (kiss on the cheek or a few faint words) are nowhere in sight...

I know I'm the more open one in the relationship and all but I mean... s***. Her ways are rubing off on me and I hate it. It's like there's a monster creeping inside me slowly.

The only time I get affection is if I'm lucky and dream about it... Seriously.

People say get out... But I can't destabilize the kids.

F***. I've been divorced,
The b*tch was crazy.
I came into this one with no expectations.
Kids are born.
Expectations grow wether you like it or not.
I love my kids.
What's left to do???
Suck it up. Hold my breath.
Throw the morality book out the window.
Close my eyes and hope for the best.
Yeah...

MY advice... I f you're living this kind of a nightmare but don't have kids.... Get out... That's what I did with my crazy ex... But now I have kids so the game is quite different.

I think you can go your seperate ways and still support your children in a caring and stable way.... Maybe dont move all to far and still be there for them and try to get shared custody that keeps things easy for all those involved.

"...But my girlfriend (4 years... 2 kids later) is cold... She hasn't kissed or touched me since November 2012!...She had a baby in July 2013." So many things wrong here, not sure where to start. Let me just say this. Stop playing house, man up and marry the mother of your children. Once you have accomplished that, come back and post up or seek counseling. It shouldn't amaze anyone that when you start the process off in reverse order, you hit all kinds of issues you didn't expect. Really dude, Im not posting this in a mean spirit, just spittin' the truth. You can't fix something from the inside that is broken on the outside. You have a history, divorced once, you need to consider what your saying when you repeat those vows, promising forever, forever doesn't end when it gets tough or is convenient. Sorry dude, but you two really need start with exchanging vows and committing to one another. Best of luck.

its really to late for that cp!!

Kids are no reason to stay through this kind of stuff. Honestly you should divorce and file for sole custody to save them from the abuse you suffered.

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Sounds awful and very familiar. Bottom line, my wife doesn't trust me and hasn't trusted me For a decade , maybe since the second year of marriage, after our child's first year. Much, perhaps all, my fault. Biggest damage, I didn't get home from work promptly. I'd call, we'd talk, even though I said I was coming home I'd feel confident and competent after talking and try to get one more thing done before I left... So I'd work another 30-60-90 minutes, get home late. No excuse and I know the pattern. Also, our housekeeping standards & practices don't line up, and she feels she's given and accepted as much as she can. I snore but problems started before I started sleeping in the office.I gave up on any hope of affection more than five years ago. We both doing our best, no drugs, drink or cheating, it's clear I shouldn't have asked her to marry me and she should never have said, "Yes". My only defense is that we really did try to let each other know who we really were, and she knew we were not well matched, but she thought she could change me.Our child is now a very fragile teen, how much because of parent's bad marriage? We just admitted failure at our second attempt at 10th grade. Depression and anxiety are kid's issues, all three of us on antidepressants.On the plus side, with kid abandoning school, no private tuition, might have enough money to separate, see if we can be more effective parents if not trying to be married too. Unfortunately, I've been down-sized 4 times in last 9 years, and lost a 5th job because I didn't fit, not working, right now, no income.Even knowing what's broken doesn't guarantee we can fix it. We married late, now in late 50s.Good luck. I hope your story ends better. - drs

Many years ago, I told my husband that if he took care of me, I would take care of everything else. Simply defined: give me affection, show me you love me, and make me feel like a woman and I will make sure your home is clean, your belly is full, and your heart is content. We had a great sex life for the first five years or so; fun, uninhibited, and fueled by our desire for each other and the insatiable hunger to be closer. 12 years later, I sit here and dread facing another miserable day in a marriage that has been neglected for so long. We don't even sleep in the same bed together anymore. Why? Perhaps because there have been disappointments that were never acknowledged for fear it would expose the hurt and leave the heart vulnerable to further pain. I'm guessing this can only be done so many times before the heart remains permanently sheltered from any threat of harm. Or, perhaps: I am his wife but am now regarded as his child’s mother and have a different agenda to fulfill in the relationship.
My husband has not made love to me in two years. He claims E.D., but also says that the medications that he has tried have had undesirable side-effects so he won’t use them. The last several times he and I shared our bed, he completely ignored me, didn’t talk to me, touch me ……after a few months, it finally got to me, the message was suddenly loud and clear. I remember the night I rolled over on my side, faced the wall and quietly sobbed until my nose was so stuffed-up I couldn’t breathe. I got out of bed, sat in the living room and cried until my eyes were swollen almost shut. I have never felt so unwanted in my entire life. Since that time many months ago, he has never once questioned me as to why I don’t sleep in our bed anymore. Why do I think he avoids asking me? 1) Because he doesn’t care 2) He wants the bed to himself
I was once an attractive, motivated and self-confident woman. I have become the product of my husband’s neglect; as a result, I am profoundly sad and it reflects in my desire to take care of myself, my house, or my priorities. I find things, anything, to divert my attention from what is happening to my life and our decaying marriage. Is there anything that could completely turn this whole situation around?
ABSOLUTELY!
Reach out to me, pull me close and hold me in your embrace; don’t let me go. I need to nudge my face to your neck and smell you, the warm, intoxicating scent that is my sacred nirvana; my safe-place (don’t say a word yet, it’ll probably be wrong. I’ve heard your voice enough in the past months and I will immediately associate it with the complaining, hurtful remarks you’ve made that cut me to the core) once you feel the tension leave my stance and detect subtle submission, look deep into my eyes and softly and sincerely say “I am so sorry” as you brush the hair from my eyes or gently lift my chin so our lips meet. Do not be in a hurry, this isn’t a prelude to sex, it’s a heartfelt affirmation of your love and desire for me with no strings implied or intended. This would serve as the “Hail Mary” that our marriage so desperately needs right now. Lead me to the couch where we can face each other and talk. No TV, cell phones, kids, or other distractions. This is our time alone to heal, to re-connect, to reclaim our relationship and fall in love again.

Good evening.
My heart goes out to you! I often feel the same way. I reach out for love and all I get is pain. When I ask her for a simple hug, it seems like she can barely stand it. She says she loves me but I don't feel it. If I didn't make the first move, there would be no moves made. Maybe we love differently. Maybe we are incompatible after all. Eventually the true truth will surface and I will know what I have to do. But dang it... I am a lover and that is what I should be able to do with my love/wife. Sorry if this response seems misguided or all over the place. I am trying to juggle my own emotional mindframe of the heart as well. Anyway.
About your man, maybe he doesn't know how to revive his own heart.
Maybe he feels inadequate somewhere and unable to forgive himself for something. Maybe there's room for healing. Maybe not.
I know you said y'all have kids but, what is the possibility of you moving out for a little bit? I know this doesn't seem like a fix to your relationship, but, if there is still love between the two of you, it will surface when you change the dynamic. Of course you won't be moving on (yet) and you aren't ending things... You would just be giving the both of you an opportunity to experience what life would be like without each other. If he doesn't flinch at your absence, you may have the answer you were looking for. If he does flinch, he may be willing to get help, or be willing to see the importance of change/you in his life. It may seem counterproductive, but if you handle it right, and stand firm, you might be surprised of the outcome. I sure hope so. :)
Best of luck to you both.
Jordan.

Well no surprise same here. I have to almost beg for sex and she always has a excuse for everything so I tried to solve them all. Beds load 1200 bed with foam matrices still didn't help. Spent the world on her and I love her I'm not gloating but I no there's tones of girls that Chase me down even when I'm in my army pt. At gym but I turn away. It got bad to the point I was depressed and we separated for months and she became her self again. We were like close friends talking about sex life's everything witch I truly hated hearing her say how she loves sacking her man's **** while she sits on his face. I wanted to **** her in the SUV one night after our anniversary dinner but she said no grow up. We'll 4 months ago I was out at bar she's ******* dude in the SUV. 2 months ago there was a spark and we started to hang out **** and ****. Well I feel as it was because I got new house 3500 a month from army to 2025 and work part time with take home of 750 a week. If I don't buy or give her money she's down and gets me pist. She's back to being girl in bed with long sleeve pants on Grannies panty and hahaha I haven't got head in 2 months but she demands I eat her *****. Ooo her do anything but lay on her back would be a gift. She screams and squirts but won't be inventive. So yesterday I go to her work the girl down stairs said John why do it I said excuse me she said you are so ******* hot u are a soldier and good father but she doesn't work late. I said I figured that so I had to see. I caught her on her bosses desk with a guy who lives in the Norristown pa scums. He has scabs on his legs and arm and I decided to not let them see me instead taped them left went home made DVD for everyone in both sides of family her bible loving family and gave it to all them on Christmas as her dad put it in I walk over gave her divorce papers and told her all bonds safe box's and accounts are gone. Oooo the SUV lexus yeah donated it to purple heart was in my name. Yesterday my bro calls me saying I need to get to her apartment apparently 2 guys ran a train on her she's a reck so I in return decided to get a room in AC with friends **** that *****. Not to mention sex su ked she is 285 big roles and her ***** looked like something u see on a cow or horse. Cyndi Bowman is up for grabs trapp pa

Am in the same situation feeling used we just had a big fight and i think its over after 14 years of showing me affection no she says she is trying to whats done its done and it is what it is

We're going through some of the same Did it ever Work out for you.

Not unsurprisingly, same thing here. Lately the excuses have turned to desperate measures (the bed squeaks, the kids are too old and will hear[!!!], I had a hard day [she doesn't work or study], I just changed the sheets...)

Yeah ok. The biggest thing that hurts? The last kiss I got was probably six years ago. Even during the rare sex event, the mouth clamps shut and face turned away.

That, more than anything else, hurts. Am I so repulsive that I can't even get a kiss, a peck on the cheek, etc?

Andis001 DIDO YOUR ENTIRE POST DUDE!!!!! This is just crazy how many of us our going through exact same thing. Something is wrong with women bottom line. I am in the same position exact the guy took exact words from my.mouth ANDIS001 HOW R YOU DOING MAN!

When Life Provides Me With Lemons, I Make Lemonade FOR ME. Here is what I am trying to say...

Quick and short, My first relationship out of high-school gave me a daughter which I tried raising as a family. 4 years into that, Mom decided to abduct our daughter and leave to another country. I think you know how that ends... Well, I went and recovered her and finished raising her on my own. I married for the first time and had 4 more daughters in this marriage... Fast forward 12 years and she too left and took the children, because I worked too much. Today, I have been reconnecting with them as they turn of age. One under 18 left. By the way, the relationship with the daughters today is as if we have never been apart. Strong bonds. I love my daughters.

So, Why am I typing all this long winded personal stuff? Well, besides the fact that it feels like many things, I find myself in a awkward predicament. I don't expect to have the right answers on here, but I am open for suggestions.

I don't know how, seriously, I met a 22 year old with a head screwed on her shoulder better than previous women in my life. Wonderful right... Wait! In the beginning all is peaches and cream. 6 years later, I am diagnosed with stage 4 Colon Cancer, operated, went through Chemo and the wonderful things associated with it and so far, have come out on the other end mighty well - Thank you Lord!

Prior to my diagnosis, I purchased a home, car et cetera. Everything paid for. Everything. Prior to my diagnosis, private actions behind closed doors by consenting adults diminished considerably. I asked and was told repeatedly no and I don't believe in force. So I learned to go without. Today she states she loves me, but actions - which in my humble opinion, speak louder than words - say otherwise. I console myself saying that at the very least, I have "raised" / prepared someone for someone else. I know I won't be here much longer, I mean, we all will pass on eventually - right?

My situation is this, I want to live "the rest of my life" as happy as I can. She used to make me happy (actually, she still does - sometimes) but more often than not, we are both unhappy. I am not the type of individual to raise voice nor my hand towards ANY woman, no matter what but it takes a lot of intestinal fortitude, and I have a third of it left (no pun intended). How much longer should I have to go on like this? Mind you, I have been kicked in my private parts many of times for being nice, patient, kind, caring et cetera... But I don't want to go through this anymore.
I'm afraid to break her young heart by asking her to leave but in the meantime, my heart is unmendable - not a real word.

I'm not certain anymore of what I'm writing because I can't control the tears/uncontrollable sobbing and can't see straight.

I just would like to be loved and be happy and it appears that I will have to do this on my own, alone.

Happy Thanksgiving

When the issue is reversed, they cheat. Heartless women are out numbering the good ones. Been going through this for two years. I get I love you but...... I don't feel loved. I give her the world, my heart and yes I romance as well. Not enough I guess. I've come to the conclusion, I'm just being used. Pure bullshit, pure selfish crazy women!

I'm in a similar situation, my wife has encouraged me to take on a new hobby which takes me away 5 days at a time but only for a short period but I think she is getting used to me not being here and has many a night out with her best girl friend but they are more like drinking partners and just seem to be like sisters and my wife looks forward to their time together ( no I am sure that they are not having an affair)
Sex has died off other the last 3 years reducing to 1 per month or two months and then it's only what she calls a quickie.
I'm more of an outside type of guy who has over the last 6 months been consumed with my hobby but when we are together all my wife wants to do to relax is sit in the front room and watch tv which I can't do for long periods and when I mention us doing something together she makes excuses , but makes plans for us to go out with her best friend and her husband who also now holiday with us.
We also work together as well which doesn't help , I am 55 my wife is only 41 and I really am thinking that she doesn't find me attractive, we cuddle at night but then fall to sleep I don't feel I can make the first move for sexual contract as I don't want more excuses .
I love my wife but recently she has said that things will never be as they were years ago which I can accept but they could be much improved to what they are now.
I would love us to go out together just to talk and try to sort it out but she's happy to let things stay as they are.
Anyway it's been good therapy writing all this down sorry it's long winded but there must be many people out there with the same problems .

I see this was originally posted in 2009. I wonder what happened. hahaha

Same here I also wonder