My Wife Shows No Affection

I'm so sorry, I feel the same way, I want out, but don't want to hurt my kids so I remain trapped ;)

Same here everyone. It's a daily struggle. I wish I wasn't in so much pain. But out issue is the lack if communication for so long we are at a crossroads. Good luck everyone

Read "The 5 love languages"

I am considering leaving my wife, I hate to say it and it is frightening. We have slept in separate rooms for over a year now and have not had sex for nearly 3. The separate rooms are down to my snoring, but I do feel that is beside the point, sleeping apart is not the problem, even the lack of sex is not the problem, Its the lack of affection. My wife never initiated sex and has never kissed or hugged me without my making the 1st move, over time my trying to initiate sex became more and more unwelcome and the rest soon disappeared as well. Today I kissed her for the first time in months, she asked me why? It was just a kiss on the lips, she pulled back and when I asked "is that it" she just said yes and turned away.
I have craved affection for years, but I know I am wasting my time, I feel I am just a rather unpleasant fact of life my wife tolerates, but nothing more- I realised recently that when my wife speaks to me with out criticism I actually feel relieved.
The problem is we have a son, I love him dearly and I do not want to hurt him I also find it impossible imagining living in a house without him. I am definatly becoming depressed, the thought of a loveless sexless life without affection is something I do not want to look foreword to, but I do not want to hurt my son. Should I stick it out for ten more years? I just do not know.
I should say that I love my wife, but nothing comes back and I feel a fool for marrying someone who obviously never thought of affection as being important.
I have looked at other sites they all seem to presume that either the man is leaving for another woman or is the one who has withdrawn from the relationship, the woman are always the ones in my position. I find it hard to believe that my situation is that abnormal- are we just supposed to suck it up?

I can mirror your words, hope things have improved as after reading several posts on this subject I fear the only solution is to move on and avoid the children having to grow up in a tense enviroment that this kind of situation definitely causes.

I have been married 3 years, have a 2 year old and a six year old girl. I love them to bits and get more affection from my 6 year old than my wife. Tears are starting to appear at the realization that I cannot spend the next five year on (pity) sex once a month.

I just knew I was. Not alone.
Regards

its okay to let it out. no one can give you a definate answer about what you should do really. sorry about the situation. i hope God changes it sometime and you be happy with your better half because you deserve it nomatter the past. marriages are hard so i hope this helps www.cbn.com/family/marriage/

Yes, I hear you. I know what it is like to always be the initiator - often without a response, which is frustrating on so many levels. The only way to be faithful is to "take matters in hand" occasionally. Since menopause, the whole libido has taken a dive so it is just nature taking its course I guess...

i am a 35 yearold man who has 2 boys that are 7 and 8 years old,. I live in iowa while while boys and ex wife are in NY. I cam to Iowa to make a better living and have a happy life for them and my new finacee and her daughter. Lately i feel like i cant do no right. I have tried everything to be affection and tell her i love her and give her kisses. sometime i mention how much i gave up to be here with her even though i probably shouldn't. I just want her to beable to show me some love and affection back everyonce in a while. I just feel like i am the one who intiates everything. we both work different hours so we dont have to pay a babysitter. she works daus i work second shift i am usally home by 10 pm. i dont know what i am doing wrong i tried to talk to her but she says that she loves me all the time that is it. I love her and her daufghter so much and i even am gonna try to use my own tax money to get my boys and ex wife here to iowa so the boys are closer to me. She tells me i am so insecure and get jealous all the time, all i tell her is i love her and wd love to have her show me something anything like a kiss or hug or for her to make the first move sometimes to reassure me that i dont need to be insecure about myself. WHAT SHOULD I DO.

Hey . In this world some men or women are cool by birth. I think you should convince her or try to make her according to your wish.

Every time I come back to this blog, I feel hopeless. It is 3am, and all I can think about is the hole in my heart. After 26 years together, it all feels like a waste of time. The two kisses a day I get, one before work and one after, both which I initiate is not enough. I am the provider for the family and when I come home I take over with the kids. What little time I get is often stressful, but that is life with 3 kids. I love my kids and would never leave them. My wife though, shows me no love...I've brought it up to her several times. She thinks i'm nuts. She claims she loves me. Then show me. SO tired of initiating everything. This "roommate" life of mine really sucks. I feel for all of you, in reading the posts, I feel like I could have written all of them. Given so much with nothing in return. Such a lonely life. The older I get, the worse I feel. I find some solace from female friends, but the one that should give me love is an empty shell. If my work wife ever offered, I'm afraid I would not be able to help myself. I feel guilty for feeling that way but i crave my wife's touch so much, that I can't think straight. I feel like leaving after my kids graduate from school and move out, but am i going to be too old and washed up to find love? Can't believe I even have to worry about this **** on top of everything else.

I am in a very similar situation, except I am the attractive wife being neglected (it's been over 2 years since we got married). I have resorted to ************ in the bathroom behind a locked door. My self-image is distorted and I am struggling with eating disorders. I feel that I am fat, although I am a size 4. I think I need a boob job, although I have a c-cup. I feel ugly, although men way younger than me find me attractive. I know how you feel. I wish I had a better answer for you.

Wow ... This is crazy.. I've been married for 16 years 2 kids.. I know she loves me but she doesn't iniciate sex it's all me... Blow job huh.. How much I miss it.. I pray but I'm at a point of being unfaithful.. Trying my best not too but I try talking to her and its not working...

I'm going through something quite similar friend. I don't know if its me or is it just her being busy w/ nursing school etc. We have a 19month old daughter and we are both in our mid to late 20's, been together for almost eight years. I feel if I don't initiate the hug, kiss etc. it will never happen-even sex, only when convenient for her. The little things matter to me most such as when she picks me up from work asking me "how my day went" or "how i'm feeling" (doesn't happen). I'm dealing w/ more than the stress from my marriage, work plays a role in my depression and sadness as well as me being the sole provider of my household dealing w/ all the bills and curve balls that life has been throwing at us smh.Also my mother,brothers and sister are all divided so I can't consult them for advice or a shoulder to cry on (That plays a part too). I often blame myself about it and get into deep funks and want to give up and walk away but I love my wife and daughter too much to ever do such thing. My heart is really heavy, I try consulting her asking her what is it?, what can I do? where did I go wrong? I really miss the old her, nothing is the same but I do know she loves me, she just doesn't show it as much as she once did. I pray for guidance all the time. I just feel like crying all the time, there isn't much I can do.

I am brand new to the forum and really anything like this. Like many I have read I am in an unfulfilling marriage I am the affectionate one it appears. 15 years marriage with two great kids, great business and financial success, leader at church, very involved with my kids, I am viewed as a success by most measures. But remain alone and lonely. I have spent enough money on marriage counseling to earn an honorary degree. I will not leave my kids and be the sometimes dad . However this drain has really profoundly affecting my mental state I am not enjoying anything much these days besides spending time with my kids. I think I have just let this go so long without love an affection it really has changed me. I do not see a way out and do not have a cooperative spouse to keep trying. I will not cheat on my wife or anyone for that matter even though I crave it so much. LOL. If I find a women attractive and she shows the slightest interest in me I run away as I know I would cave in. I do a lot of running these days! Reading these posts are helpful. Thank you all. I just feel at a dead end

ramble all you want to

I feel for ya all, I wouldn't leave my wife for the world but I get so lonely I feel at my wits end. Have not had any kind of physical relationship in months. It don't even seem to bother my wife at all and any time I try to talk about how I feel it gets turned around into some kind of argument. What do I do now. I just can't seem to make her realise how unwanted I feel.

Our wives must be related

I am sorry to hear of your loneliness and sadness. I feel especially sad because I have been there-on both sides of the fence.
You need to understand that you have a few assignments. Promise- this will work to create happiness (not necessarily save your marriage because you can only control your actions/feelings and decisions).
First, you need to pray. Hard. Don't pray for what YOU want. Pray simply for God to guide your words, actions and ultimately, solidify your future and help you continue to be open and ready to listen to Him- and obey.
Second, talk to HER. tell her that regardless of what she says, you love her and are interesting in creating a better life together- but to do that, you need to hear her thoughts, her heart and her mind. Listen though. Don't promise what you cannot deliver. Ever. And when she tells you, it may be painful (maybe not) but if you love her, keep your promises.
Third-share your feelings and let her know that you need to help guide your marriage toward change. Make sure she understands that it isn't happy for you and can't be for her either. Tell her you want to lead toward a new and better life- each day.
Fourth-be honest. Be truthful with yourself and with her (and this forum). No one is as perfect as you have made yourself sound- and that's completely ok. It's refreshing for spouses to know that you BOTH make mistakes and fail and that the one 'causing' the failure isn't alone. A marriage is a union of 2, right? So, you need as 1, for 2. Look at her. Do you know her? Can you identify anything that has happened whether it is her doing or yours, or a break in something you both have promised that has caused distance?
Bottom line- 1-1,000 won't matter without God, honesty, candor and commitment to a better tomorrow and permission to be imperfect. Maybe she just needs you to say what you BOTH (without doubt) feel to show her strength of character and leadership instead of muscles.
God bless. Remember, He wants marriages to succeed. He will help if you ask-and open yourself to Him and to your wife.
Best wishes and I truly know all things are possible with God...

Obviously both genders can suffer from these issues. But the plight of men dealing with this is even more peculiar, as the popular theory suggests that men are all unaffectionate loafs.

Glad to see I'm not alone. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. I'm 37, married for 7 years with 3 little ones. I know my wife loves me but she hardly shows any affection. I'm in pretty good shape. 6 foot, 205 lbs. I work out almost every day and get compliments from women often enough to know that I'm attractive. I'm a manly guy, into hot rods and trucks but I always show affection towards my wife. Even at the expense of being not so tough. The most I get in return is an occasional unsolicited hug or kiss or an "I love you" but that's as far as it goes. We have a king size bed and at night when the kids are asleep I look forward to some alone time with my wife but she's usually as far over to her side of the bed as she can be with her face stuffed into a book or Facebook or texting with her friends. She'll do that for hours until she falls asleep. We typically have sex about twice a month and that's only because I initiated it. And when I do interrupt her reading to try to "get some" I get a response like " uh, you wanna have sex"? or "Alright, but let me Finish this" or "wait a little bit" or my favorite, "fine but your doing all the work". Now if I don't initiate sex well easily go a month without doing it and when she finally does initiate it feels like she feels like she has to cause she can tell I'm getting frustrated. I've tried to do all I can to please her. I'm very "generous" in bed. I've tried talking to her several times about it but have gotten no where. I always tell her I love her, try to hold her hand when we're out, give her hugs and kisses. I even try to cuddle with her in bed but she tells me she doesn't like cuddling and likes her space even though she cuddles with the kids. Then when I try to talk to her about that she tells me that I'm like the girl in the relationship. I'm at my wits end! I'm a guy and trust me, the last thing I want to do is talk about my feelings constantly and about things like cuddling! I would never cheat on my wife but I can see why guys do. I feel like there's a huge piece missing out of my marriage. We're more like partners then a couple. She has her job taking care of the kids and the house (she's a stay at home mom) and I have mine, making the money. The whole romance part just isn't there and I'm trying to make it happen but it's killing me that it can't be forced. It could be that her parents, who are very good people, aren't affectionate. I never hear them say "I love you" to each other or to my wife where I always tell my mother I love her before I hang up. Not sure if that's it. Just feels like I could have the same sex like with a blow up doll. Just once it would be once to come home to a surprise like her in sexy lingeri or something. I bought her some before we were married which she wore once about 8 years ago. This Christmas I got here some PJ's from Victoria's Secret, nothing skanky, but she wore those for about a week and that was it. Apparently she's too cold in them. I think it annoyed her that they got me in the mood. Who knows, anyway thanks for listening.

I am in a very similar position though 20 years older than you & no children at home
You have my sympathies & hopes that you find a way through it

Thanks for sharing your story... We have very very similar situations, down to the same number of children. I can't believe she doesn't understand what she's doing.

Last night I asked my husband if he was molested as a child. I thought that would explain his lack of affection towards me. He said no. Then what is the problem. I'm 5'6" 110 in good shape, nice curves. We have good sex but the affection is forced. He's like a robot. Its literally like he is operating a foreign body when he tries to hug me. I am trying my best not to cheat on him :(

Just take the initiative - do it in fun ways that don't make her feel pressured...like light tickling and playful taps...you know.....just try and incorporate more fun into your life and light touching and then hopefully more will follow?

Raptor, I am going thru the same situation w/ my husband of 10 yrs. It has been over 2 weeks since we have had sex. I've asked him what I have to do to have him want me. Just today while our son was taking a nap I was in fishnet stockings, plaid school girl skirt w/ bra to match waiting for him to come in & I hear the T.V turn on. When we I asked him to come in & he asked 'why'. When he saw me he said 'i'm tired I just got home'. We went to pre-marriage counseling & took a Love Language test. I know I show love by physical touch & feel loved by this action & he is acts of kindness & words of affirmation. They are ... Physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of kindness, & gifts. Try asking her what she does to show she loves you & how you can show you love her. I don't believe in staying in a bad marriage that doesn't seem to be able to be mended for the kids. My parents did & We always knew they were not happy & it just puts unneeded stress on the whole family. As long as you are there for your kids when they need you, that's all that matters. I too understand trying any & everything to make a marriage work & I'm running out of solutions too. In short I hope you find something useful in this book I just wrote. :)

I've been going through the same thing for quite a while now... when it comes to your partner not seeming to be attracted/have any interest it can be really devastating to ones self esteem and I never realised by how much until I was in that situation. My suggestion would be to work out for you, realise that her lack of drive isn't your fault. Do things to boost your self esteem so that you aren't relying on her to provide it... That's what I'm doing and it's working for me. I'm still not having as intimate a relationship as I would like, but I'm not longer crying myself to sleep and wondering where I'm going wrong.

This is all about two people. 1. Your mother, and 2. her mother . I bet that your mother talked openly about sex , was very loving , in touch with her feelings, very openly affectionate towards your father. I assume your partners mother never spoke of sex and was never openly affectionate with her father. History always repeats itself. It's the way of the world. I'm afraid its unlikely your situation will change. But its possible. But it would be alot of hard work and relate counselling. Is your marriage worth it? Only you know. (I'm not a therapist, just a bit of a clever know it all,wise, bugger, whos been married for 22 years) good luck mate. J

I've been married for 4 yrs. This is my 2nd mariage. 4yrs ago , I felt I was lucky to found him. I was happy. I think he is a loving person. But he is never erver interested in me physically. I've been feeling very sad and lonely ! We live are like roomates. I have a 9 yrs old son. I am not happy .I am a lovely loving caring responsible Asian women.

BIG HUG TO YOU mate! I dont know what to say. I am lonely too. All I can offer is a cyber hug from one man to another

Hello. I agree with the post by "lovetolove4ever".
I want to say that there is hope to save your marriage and bring spark back. I know, because I (we) did it. I was a day away from never being with my wife ever again. I had actually gone looking for a new place to live and had told her that I was DONE. She asked me to reconsider in the morning; I said no. I thought about it all day and I decided to give it a last try.
I agreed to counseling and we went weekly for about 6 months. It was very helpful in that I was able to tell her things that I was normally unable to. I tend to be the fanciful, emotional one, and she tended to be the "feet on the ground", flat affect type of person. We definitely have differences, and I thought they were insurmountable. I was wrong. Our differences are intriguing to each other and we respect each others strengths. I needed hugs and kisses and to be approached and to be wanted. I wasn't getting enough. She needed to be paid more attention to, praised, assisted more with life's mundane tasks. She needed those little love notes that I used to give her more often when we were first together. She wasnt getting enough. We needed to go on walks more , talk more, go out more. She needed to be told that when a person truly loves someone, then that person will give of themselves even when they don't feel like it at the time because their partners needs are that important. I needed to be told that it is not wise behavior for me to have secret expectations that when become unfulfilled, generate ill feelings towards a person that has not been communicated with.
I could go on and on. Sorry.
These days, I get up at 4:00am with her every morning and prepare her breakfast and lunch to go for her work day. I do all the house cleaning, most of the cooking, most of the laundry. We go out more often, talk more, laugh more. I communicate when something bothers me, and she listens, counts to ten and then responds with understanding. I don't take everything to heart that she says and also count to ten. She accepts my romantic advances and we have sex as often as either of us want. She lets me be silly and doesn't roll her eyes at me anymore, which I hate , and she now knows it. We tell each other I love you everyday and write notes to each other on the note board on the fridge. We have some older photos of us on our bedroom wall and I look at her everyday and I fall in love with her all over again. (And she knows it). The kids are grown, and that sure is a burden lifted, now that they are out of the house.
I admit that when I was ready to leave her, I was a bit excited at the prospect of finding new romance. It's ok. I can just keep that as a bit of a fantasy. I have a beautiful lady already and she thinks that I am a pretty cool cat, so I think it's worth hanging around. It's a radical change from being with the wife that was not what I had in mind.
Anyway; there is hope, if you truly want it.
All of the things that I do for her, I want to do. I get so much in return, it's crazy.
If she says: "do you want to got to the store with me"? It's a loaded question, and I know it ! She is really saying: "I would love you to want to go to the store with me".