My Wife Shows No Affection

I am a 39 year old man in pretty good shape, 6'2" and fairly good looking.  I am a very affectionate and loving person, but my wife is not.  I am always the one to initiate sex, hugs, kisses, or any type of physical contact.  I don't understand why she's so cold to me.  I love her with all my heart, but she is breaking me down.  I have tried doing more of the housework, working out 5 days a week, anything I could think of to get her more interested in me but nothing works.  She tells me that she loves me, but she doesn't make me feel loved at all.  I want her to want to be with me without me asking her too.  We have 2 kids that I am committed to being here for, so I am at a loss as to what I should do.  Sorry for rambling.

raptor660 raptor660
36-40, M
289 Responses Nov 18, 2009

I'm in a marriage that my hus doesn't show me effection I've been married for nearly 10 years I'm having to beg for sex all the time

I am so glad I found this. I've been dealing with the same issues for almost 20 years. After our first child was born she started hinting that I was cheating. Every time I was out of the house was a possibility for an affair. It was exhausting. Then I started getting treated like absolute crap. No intimacy, no sex and continous neglect. I just chalked it up to her being tired with the kids (she had a girl from a previous relationship). But then if there was any type of situation where I'd mention how my feelings were hurt she'd either pretend she never did/say that or even worse ignore me. It's wreaked havoc on my self esteem and my health. God knows what it's done to my kids over the years watching us fight like this. We're talking divorce right now. I told her that all I ever tried to do was love and take care of her and when I asked why she would inturn trest me this way over the years her reply was a smirk and how she wouldn't give me the satisfaction of an answer.

I'm in the same position. We have been married for 23 years, and in the last 4 of those years, I've noticed that she's become less and less affectionate. We are both 49, and I feel like she treats me like I've got a plaque or something. It's not like she hands off for everyone, the kids and the dog gets lots of affection. When it comes to me, nothing.I asked her once, "if you never had sex again, it would not bother you?", she said it no.I'm dedicated to my boys, I want them to have a stable home life, but I'm so lonely and confused about her actions.I'm seriously considering a divorce.
We only have sex 2 or 3 times a year, and that's only when I ask.

Ive been married for 4 years but we "dated" for a while. Truth be the beginning she never loved me because she was in love with her boss. He was married so she knew she could never really be with him so i was her safety net. Friends and family told me that she wasn't into me but like an idiot i still hung on until i gave up one day. A couple of years later we started fresh again and she moved in with me but it wasnt till a few years later that she admitted to me that she only moved in with me because her mother moved to another state so she had no where to go. I know that now she does love me but it took a lot to reach that. But i still have that feeling of knowing that in the beginning in wasn't authentic. We have nothing in common, im affectionate shes not that much. I have to BEG her to take her out on a date, in which case never happens. But when our daughters ask her to hang out or go to movies, she makes time. In the 7 years that we have lived together i can count in 1 hand how many times she has worn anything sexy n modeled it for me. Most of the time when she initiates intimacy its because she's under the influence of wine. Im not perfect..made my share of mistakes and was irresponsible but not anymore. And she even praises me for it. Its just that the passion in my marriage is gone but i cant really complain because there wasnt none there to begin with. I guess im just soooo tired of feeling alone...i miss past relationships where there was passion and the other person made me feel like they GENUINELY had feelings for me...especially when they SHOWED me that they truly were into me. When they are genuinely into you, you can feel it.

All posts sound like what I going through. Married for 16 years. I think my wife is just ""bored"" at this point in life. Our daughter is grown now. I just want the affection still from her. My Solution I think might be to go on a cruise or get involved in groups like 5k run for a good cause. Man idk :/ See if your wife is just "bored" hope at this point life is good now for you raptor660

I have been reading a lot of the responses to this post and I see a common thread in my life and in how my marriage has progressed. I have been married for over 30 years. Like most of you married people, our physical relationship was great until our first child was born. Then nothing. All physical affection stopped for a year. I thought I would lose my mind. I contemplated divorce but I couldn't do that to the mother of my new born child so I hung in there. After a year things improved some but it never really recovered even unto this day.

I have a few ideas on the subject. I think child birth is traumatic for women and for many it wrecks the care free sexual experience. I think, to some degree, it fills them with dread. I think having a child also fulfills her need for closeness. She has a baby and so doesn't need a man anymore. I also think having a child turns women virginal. By that I mean that they desired virtue for the child's sake. They want to be good and wholesome and sex is dirty and base and I think to some extent married women start to view their husbands as just another child to be taken care of.

My wife does everything for me. She shops for me, makes appointments for me, fills my pill caddy and she does this out of love for me, I know this. At the same time we kiss like brother and sister. If I hug her she keeps her arms folded or she might pat my back as one might pat a dog. If we get physical it's all me. I reach out for her. I stroke her and touch her and if I stop any progression stops too. I can't help but think that if my wife ever once reached out for me I couldn't stop.

Sex has been relegated to an ever narrowing time table. No sex in the morning (too tired and too much to do). No sex in the afternoon (it makes her to sleepy.) Sex must happen at night after she has watched her shows, had a bath and read a few chapters in her book. If it's not past 12 I might have a shot but by that time I have pretty much given up. I don't know if this is a plan or just the way things work out but either way I end up drifting off to sleep on my side of the bed.

In the rare times that we do get together it's like she is not really there. It is hard to enplane but I can tell that she never gets into it if you know what I mean. She seems to enjoy the act itself but it's almost like it is a huge amount of trouble for her to get there. I have tried changing things up but to no avail. I will admit that my technique is boring and predictable but I have found what works and given my limited time at night, I have stuck with it.

Now there will be those that say "you should talk to her" and I want you to know I have tried. What she hears is "I want more sex" and she thinks I am being disgusting. I have heard all the advice about helping more around the house and doing nice things and all I can say is that this is wishful thinking and something to do while you slowly lose your wife. In summary, I know she loves me but how is it that this one special thing, shared by a man and a woman, could get so bad?

Im 33 going on 34 been married for 4 months my wife does all the things to me as yours does i cry out for more affection kisses hugs sex unless i initiate. She holds her feelings in wont talk to me. When we do talk its me balling my eyes out it makes her mad when i show my feelings. She drops everything for her blood family when they ask if i ask she gives me a hard time till i beg her to i cant seem to get anytime alone she makes excuses she only wants time when its with her mom she follows her mom every where like a leech she makes promises and breaks them. Im dying for attention and she gives the cold shoulder Im lonely and stressed and feel empty inside even when im with her its changed me so much i hate myself she makes me feel stupid i cant make her laugh she always takes it the wrong way and says its not funny when i joke ive prayed about it but just seems to keep getting worse im hurting so bad i cant stand it there been times ive asked her if she loves me she says i don't know and then other times says i love u and miss u then can run off for hours or even days without ever texting me or anything im always putting in 100% why cant i just have a woman that likes attention and affection why do they seem to need like months of space ugg so confusing i even went out of my way to buy her a book to see if just maybe she would spend more time but i was wrong she stayed up all night reading the book then just ask me today about a book she wants to read but it cost $8.99 im like are u serious she wants for her self does not care about my feelings i dont know what to do i need someone to talk to or something maybe some friends since i have 0 living in texas and i have no place to go since im from oregon and i have no clue whats down here im afraid to go out by myself call me wierd thats ok but atleast i know how to treat a lady just sucks and hurts bad when its not appreciated she was not like this before we moved to texas now im lonley all the time my life sucks being lonely well you are married something wrong with that :{ im doing everything i can to try and make her want me more but maybe im just not good enough idk.

Welcome to the club.My wife used to say "sorry,but it's your fault! I have broken her of that habit.Now she just blames me for everything.

I read most responses and it's like you guys are telling my life story. Married for 12 years, 2 kids and my wife has never said I love you first, never gave me a hug and never initiated any type of intimacy. We sleep in separate rooms because my snoring bugs her. I'm in excellent physical shape, take care of my self and spent my single years learning how to be the "perfect" partner! I've tried everything, communication (she cries, hangs up or walk away ), I got counseling (tried everything my councilor suggested), help w the kids, help w dinner, express gratitude for everything she does around the house, but nothing changed!
I've decided to treat her the way she treats me.. I can live without sex. It's been 5 weeks... She is a little nicer but can't say it's anything to celebrate... I keep playing w the divorce idea in my head but I have to wait till my kids are out of the house... Life is too short.
My advice to you guys is to treat them the way they treat you. Do you remember when you were young and your siblings copied everything u did: it is annoying to watch what u do being done by someone else in front of you. I have to say, as soon as I decided that I don't want sex w her anymore until she changes, a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, no longer depressed and much happier deep inside. I love my kids and direct my affection towards them instead. I can see how being playful w my kids makes her jealous (she watches from a distance) but I'm not going back to the old me unless she changes.

I agree they dont like it, she will learn.

Som suk i got one here thinks her **** dont stink I'm waiting if my mom passes first shes last one on my side I'm booking just piking up n spliting n i ain't looking back -screw the cold *** attitude -been married 37yrs n been faithful which was forsure stupid opf me-they want ya to be a puppet well kiss this, icecube good luck-what ****** me off we broke up in highschool but she wanted me and know she's a pain in the *** i love her a lot but my health is going down being with her SO my suggestion is pack up n find someone. who has a heart-i been looking

I just read a whole bunch of these responses and it seems like there's a common feeling in many of them that the men in these relationships have their eyes on the door (not that I blame anyone - the situations they describe are rather unpleasant). I've been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I know that I have to work more on showing affection and having a loving attitude (honestly, some of these posts freaked me out and gave me more insight into how my husband likely feels). I will tell you guys out there that if both spouses are committed to the relationship and are healthy stable people, it's normal for there to be ups and downs in your feelings of contentment and satisfaction about each other. I'm more of an introvert, and I went through a 2 year adjustment period once my husband stopped working evenings (he'd been working most evenings through 10 of our married years) and was now around a lot more. I always felt like he was crowding my space - too loud, too active, etc- even if he was just sitting on the couch reading next to me. But I *wanted* to enjoy his company, and after a time (there was a lot of teeth gritting and grumping about during this period) I got used to it and now I actually like having him nearby. My advice, if I may be so bold, is to try to be relaxed and knowing who she is, don't have unrealistic expectations of your wife- sometimes that pressure will push her in the opposite direction and make her feel more distant. Reaffirm that you want to be together and ask her how you can help give her the space she needs so that when she's ready she will want to be there for you. You're already doing a great job at being patient, now you just need to work on understanding where she's coming from and helping her find her way out of her withdrawn self.

But why are women like this in the first place?? Imaging if you will, a husband who is dedicated to his wife and children and tries his hardest to be a good father and husband. What has he done to make his wife so cold towards him. His feelings have not changed, his actions have not changed. Why do women change?

Man, It’s as if I wrote your post myself. I have been married for over 12 years. My wife is beautiful and very smart. However, it is not only me she is not warm with it is everything but our dogs. Everything is always initiated by me, I love you, sex (although I am shot down 90%, that's a real confidence booster), and in 12 years I have always been the one at fault because I am the one to always apologize when we argue. She has only given me a single apology in 12 years and that's because it was the first time she saw me cry I was so frustrated. Technically, she doesn’t really argue, she avoids conflict with me. Thinks by letting me bottle up my concerns they will magically go away. Even when I am very calm and try to create a peaceful environment she still see's that as conflict and says she doesn't want to argue and then tells me I am upset. That part always makes me upset. I wish just once I could get the response, attention, or greeting she gives the dogs. With that aside, this last year I started reading and looking in to Asperger’s Syndrome. I am 99.9% sure she would fall in to that spectrum, along with her father and brother, but she was not happy when I finally told her that I would like her to look in to it. I had tried everything else, I did not want to hurt her, but honestly, I would want to know if the tables were turned. I do not know if your situation is like mine, but your symptoms sound identical as well as the steps you have made to get her attention with no avail and your wife sounds the same as mine. Just something to look in to. At least you will then know it is not you and it is something she needs to deal with. That lifted a huge weight (weight being suicidal depression) and allowed me to have empathy for her. My life still sucks, but I love her and I do not want to give up on us. I care more about her happiness than mine, although she never seems happy. I contemplate taking the selfish route often and leaving, but it’s just not in my nature. I hope this helps. If anyone has input for my situation, I’d love some advice as well.

**Sorry if this is a bit choppy. I kept adding sentences after I wrote it and it ended up doubling my response size. Plus it is nearly 6 AM and I never went to bed because I have developed a little bit of insomnia over the last decade. Time to get ready for work (:

I just wrote all of that and realized the post was from 2009. Oh well, it is literally my first time ever posting. It felt good to get that off my chest (: Well raptor660, I hope you figured it out in the last 6 years.


Focus on what makes YOU happy outside of your relationship and do more of it, if she wants to be part of it: great, otherwise enjoy your life

I am the one who always initiates anything intimate and he rejects me 80% of the time. I don't understand why. He use to love being with me and now he can't get away quick enough I understand how you feel but have no answers. Sorry

Gentlemen, I know this suggestion will not fix everything but having an understanding of the roles of men and women (yes ROLES) can help this type of situation. Having and understanding of the way sex-energy functions in life will definately get the ball rolling to improve your life and relationship if you wish it. I suggest a quick "read" or "listen" of CHAPTER 11 THE MYSTERY OF SEX TRANSMUTATION on Youtube, from the Book Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. As a MAN that you are you MUST LISTEN to this material.

If anyone has already been through a divorce and you plan on starting a relationship, I would highly recommend looking south of the border or Asia for a real woman. Woman that still have values and integrity, still show respect for her Man and treat them like kings ( and in return you will treat her as a queen) those that know how to run a household and become outstanding mothers and wives.

As a man if you provide what she needs; love+sex, shelter, food, clothing and some luxury she will return the favor 10-fold. Starving her of sex for a few days and you not spilling your seed on **** will MAGNIFY and MAGNETIZE your relationship with her and those around you. Here's to being a Man!

Stfu! Total lies! It's been almost a month and she never asked for sex.

5 weeks for me but I'm not giving up. I feel the moment I initiate intimacy, I have to start all over again

Like the majority of the others, I am going through the same thing. 43, in good shape, makes good money, has 3 kids and there is no affection what so ever. I have to initiate a hug, kiss or anything else. Normally anything else is met with a "No". Too tired, not in the mood or just ignored all together. With three kids (2 twins under the age of 3), I don't know what to do. I have contemplated divorce, but don't want my kids to experience it and don't know how to manage it financially. I love my wife more than any other time in our relationship but had mentioned something I heard on the radio about how some people after time love each other, but are not in love. The response I got was nondescript, but could tell that is where she is at in the relationship. I have tried both trying to be just as cold and it has no effect on her. When I try and give even more attention it is met without any reciprocation. We had a spat last night and I brought up the lack of intimacy and she said that she feels she is walking on eggshells around me and I am on edge and she doesn't want to be intimate. I told her that I feel the same way about her and that no matter how affectionate I try to be I still get no response so I get resentful toward her. We have had this conversation dozens of times throughout our relationship and she acts like it is the first time she is hearing this every time. I mentioned counseling to her and she said, "why, there is no problem here". I guess for now I will continue to try and kill her with kindness and keep my feeling to myself since they don't matter to anyone else but myself.

Had same experience and dealt with it for 15 years, finally divorced. It was a mutually agreed divorced. I still to this day don't know why she acted the way she did when all I did was be a loving husband. I just hanged on thinking maybe she go back to the person I feel in loved with. Pretty sad and sad for all us who goes through this. I was really STUPID to have dealt it with all those years. I guess because we all try so hard to understand why the situation is what it has become when the other doesn't want to open up.

I am experiencing the same thing. My stress level is through the roof. My mom is in jail and probably will be for a very long time. My job is becoming demanding here lately with all of these new requirements and classes.....and its either we complete and pass or find another job. (I passed by the way but have to do this annually..and its rough.) I struggling with finding my first car with my budget. My debt is through the roof but I'm the only one working but still paying the rent and all of my bills in the best way as I can. On top of all of this my wife pushes me away every single time I try to kiss her or even hold her on the only 2 nights I'm able to which are my days off. (I work nights when she is at home sleeping which means she is awake when I'm sleeping.) I'm overwhelmed! Sometimes I just want to hop on a plane and leave everything behind and start all over.

I am going through the same thing and the children also. I am so sad and I don't believe she will ever change!

I feel your pain. Hand in there my friends.

My husband rejects me too. I don't understand it because other men seem to find me attractive. This has destroyed my self esteem and is becoming very painful😪

Going through that very same thing. I am 50 worked all my life in the military still active in it. great shape make good money. My wife will not show me any affection at all. Not sure what to do

Same boat here. 38 years old, been together for 14 years, married for 12. Minimal sex since our kids were born (8 and 6 years ago). my sex drive hasn't changed, her's apparently shut off entirely. It was pretty evident that I was not a priority once they came along, and my response was to check out emotionally (a big mistake). I have always been faithful, a good provider, and not an abuser in any way and became determined last year to "fix" things by being the man she fell in love with and married in the first place. However, it's clear now that it is too late. I can't fix this by myself and she could care less about working with me or meeting me halfway. Had a petty spat this weekend and I ended up emailing her a sincere apology and (non-accusatory) expression of the hurt I have been feeling over how disconnected we are. Her response was vitriolic, accusing me as always of being selfish and only concerned with my needs. Mocking my feelings which are real and understandable given the situation. If I was selfish, I would have cheated or left as soon as she threw me away after having the kids. I feel like I have wasted my prime years with someone who sees me as a leper who's only good for paying the bills and conceiving children which are now her entire life.

This could be my post, I am in the exact same senario, except we have 3 kids. What on earth am I supposed to do, leave or stay for the kids? I need help

Dear god I would have wrote the exact same thing in regards to my life right now.. what do we do??

Same here. About to give up.

I'm new to this but am trying to learn what's wrong with me. I just read these posts trying to understand my husbands point of view. I am exactly like your wives. Honestly I don't know why I'm this way. We have been married 15 years with kids 10 and 14. I've been emotionally unavailable for years. Almost since we got married. I was able to use work, kids and anything I can think of as reasons why I'm too tired to have sex. I do feel awful about what it must be doing to my husband but it feels like major work to try to fix it. Sex should be fun and for me it's such a chore. Just another thing to do in my day and I never think of sex much less want to 'go at it'. I love my husband so much and don't want him to leave but wouldn't blame him if he did. We've had more conversations than I can count over the years but I never change. I'll have sex to bide my time until I feel guilty for the lack of sex after months pass. I am going to try speaking to a therapist in hopes it helps me feel empathy towards his needs. It is good seeing the husbands side of things. I rarely look at our marriage through his eyes. I usually just focus on my needs or the kids needs. I admire my friends who have normal intimate relationships and are sexually attracted enough to want to have sex. I have zero drive. I doubt the reasons your ladies aren't interested are because of you. Desiring your wife is a very good thing. Are they control freaks? I am. On my terms it's's just super seldom cause I'm not connected to my sex drive. I don't know how to help. Sorry for that. But please know that she's probably thinking about it too. And embarrassed. And doesn't know how to fix it. And frustrated. It's easier to blame someone else than look inward. Women are nuts!!!

Same here to. Been married for 11 years, 6 weeks ago my wife told me she's not happy & wants to seperate..? She loves me BUT not in love with me... It Came from nowhere (Hammer blow) we have 2 children together aged 7 & 3. They love their dad to bits!! Iam 39 now & the thought of starting out agsin is frightening tbh!!! Don't know what to do guys..? Iam back & fore the family home & staying with my parents to.., not sure what Nxt step is..?

Email me

That's bull

With all do respect, I am new to this site. I am seeking advice from those that hat are in similar situations as I am. But as I seek help I read your post. I must say I felt as if you were speaking of me. My husband would agree with you 100%. Yet I must say that i believe your wife loves you dearly. You see I love my husband soo much,but have issues initiating intercourse. Especially if we are upset with one another. It is a result from my childhood. I hate it, i wish it wouldn't be like that. I even cry and pray about it,because I love him . Yet I am the most loving mother constantly hugging and kissing our children. It wasn't like this when we meet. We've been married 17years. He had an affair with that i build a wall that i felt would protect my heart. But i know in my heart that he is the love of my life.

You have two options. Look for another life, or except the one your in, she will not change. Possibly you may try daily speak sessions to increase her understanding of your needs, but you will have to keep at it for as long as it takes, and do not let up or give up.

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Hello Raptor660,

I'm happy that I found this because i feel like i'm going through the same thing. I guess misery loves company. At the moment i'm a student and she works full time (Used to be the other way around) so when she comes from work or we meet up from our busy day, we give each other a hug/kiss - Its routine, you know. But i feel disconnected. My wife actually was very affectionate before and now she is not. Its like something changed and all i can think about is maybe the stress from work. I initiate sex, hugs, and kisses when its out of the norm. Lack of sex has caused arguments between us as well. What felt like a blow to me today was when she went to sleep and didn't even say good night or that she was going to sleep. Normally she will say good night or something. Might sound petty to some, but when i'm dealing with other "lack of affections", Its a punch to the stomach as well. I'm not sure, i guess i feel a bit lost. I am 31 years old, i love my wife, and i feel committed to my daughter as well so i don't plan to just up and leave, but feeling alone is not how i want to live. sorry if i rambled as well.

I know how you feel

Same boat man..lost cause in my eyes lol maybe the next life or divorce which ever comes sooner. :(

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I'm your mirror image the exact same spot

I just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I really love Louis so much that i can not even do without. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce... I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn't want to loose him but everything just didn't work out... He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man who eventually helped me out with spell... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used herbs... Within 2 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news... Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need's it... NOTE THAT he will ask you to pay a small token amount of money to get the materials to work for you. You can email DR SANJAY via (sanjaylandofsolution606@gmail . com) Don't give up just yet, the different between "Ordinary" & "Extra-Ordinary" is the "Extra" so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it's truly worth it.

Seriously? Cut the crap and selling your friends **** isn't going to bring his life a more suitable wife.

It's hurt. M same boat

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I am a wife who is cold and insulting to my husband. My bipolar medicine usually helps, but I have been out of it for quite a while. I feel disrespected by my domineering husband, and he has a drinking problem, which makes it worse. We went through hard times for several years and made many mistakes in our relationship with each other, and the trust is gone. My husband has heroically provided a home for me, dispite his poor health, but our relationship has ended. We now rag on each other, and my love for him left long ago. I keep trying to sabotage our marriage so he will leave. That is where we are today

Sweet thanks for your rediculously sad crappy relationship that has nothing to do with the topic. Please cut your crap

Like I tell everyone with this problem. You gonna have to go by what I say and don't wimp out if you really want your marriage to work. The key is to the solution is that you have to do the total opposite of everything that you do now. You not interesting anymore. Not the person she fell in love with. Before, you use to go out with your friends and do things with out letting her know every little detail but now your hen peck and you are up under her too much. So go out, enjoy your life and have fun and when she see you having fun she'll want to join in. It's like a game and you have to win. But...... Once you start don't you dare start feeling bad or pitiful for her and go back to your old ways. You have to keep up this persona from now on. I know it goes against your feelings but it's better to use your head because your feelings always want to lead and take charge but great things happen when we use our head.

This my friend is truth. I do believe this and have noticed that she acts different when I have fun with my military buddies at the house or down the road at a bar for a beer or two. But, I do see a childish side of her wanting to tell mom dad my parents her friends all kinds of rude and persecuting crap that I literally never did. Just being rude to me after its all said and done. I do know where your coming from with that observation so to speak

Your wife does not respond, because you were a puppy dog all your life, and you cannot change that now, it is a established norm for good. Get another wife, but this time be a real man and not a needy mother ****** who needs sex and love to be alive. Act like, she is not the only game in town. She has to be part of your life, not all of it--but you made her to be all of it--a mistake. Stop throwing your *** at women, have some self respect. No self respect, no women, will attach to you in the long run, regardless of your status in real life. I take it back, you may find some sick needy women just like yourself to cling to you. But relationship based on need soon will become vain and suffocating.


Heyguys ive been married 33years sept 19. my wife shows almost No affection for last 10 years, I am lonely in my own bed and she is getting one last chance on our anniversary then Im taking my affection elsewhere. Im 52 years old with a muscular build, for now and Ill be damned if going to spend my last 25 years feeling like this

Go getm!

Look, I do not understand why people think, relationships must last forever--they do not--they have a time stamp. Just learn to be happy with you--develop your own interest outside of a women. Divorce ASAP, if it is disturbing your peace, with or without children. Hire a prostitute to satisfy your sexual needs. Love only exist when you are a teenager and have hearts not calculators. I love divorce!

Doesn't get any better.... married 17 years now and same crap... get out early while you can...just waiting to divorce after the kids leave home.

It hurts.
I'm in same boat

The key is to the solution is that you have to do the total opposite of everything that you do now. You not interesting anymore. Not the person she fell in love with. Before, you use to go out with your friends is do things with out letting her know every little detail but now your hen peck and you are up under her too much. So go out, enjoy your life and have fun and when she see you having fun she'll want to join in. It's like a game and you have to win. But...... Once you start don't you dare stay feeling bad or pitiful for her and go back to your old ways. You have to keep up this persona from now on. I know it goes against your feelings but it's better to use your head because your feelings always want to lead and take charge but great things happen when we use our head.

I am currently dealing with the same thing, have you had any progress?

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I swear i thought i was writing this. I am going through the same exact thing...My wife and i are high school sweethearts been together five years before marriage, lived together for 3 of that 5, Now we have been married a year and she used to show such warm heartfelt affection it declined some around year 4-5 and then as soon as she said I do, she just completely went cold to me. I lost twenty pounds thinking that it might be that i gained some weight. I went to a counselor thinking that it was me, and learned how to communicate my feelings and tell her. Every time i bring it up she tells me that I am being ridiculous and annoying. I told her i need things to change, that i cant handle how cold she is to me. Still not a thing changes. I love her with all my heart and try everything i can think of and nothing changes. Friends and family are all concerned as well, it is that noticeable. She says i keep her up, i am not even allowed to sleep in the bed until she is asleep because my reading or me being there keeps her up and annoys her. I want to work at it but i dont know how much more i can take. We dont have kids, what should i do...

She needs to get that "you annoy me" crap and shove it man. I wouldn't put up with that. That's a long dead road ahead in my eyes. I'm kind of in the same boat.

You don't have kids? Get the **** outta there.

Nothing.just make feel her that u having affiar with some one.

Like all the others I am experiencing the same. Ive been married before, have a son with my previous and been in various relationships with differing scenarios. The hardest thing to find is a common place and a place in which both parties feel the common ground. Life is full of so many things both good and bad, happy and sad. Trying to find the balance is very difficult. My fiance and I love all the same things, sex drive is good on both parts however I am so much more affectionate. She had told me of some abusive things in her past as a child and was very open and forthcoming to tell however to discuss for long is cut short quickly as im sure for her is still hard to discuss. I thought ive had connections in previous relationships but her and I connect well and everything feels perfect except her ability to be more forward when it comes to showing affection. She said it makes her feel not so good or awkward. I wish I could help her feel more love. I don't know if she interprets love as a direct correlation to what others mentioned as apologies to abusive acts when they were younger. If it is the case I can understand but the sad part is they miss out on being so loved. Something so many people wish they had and unfortunate that those who can have it cannot internalize the true meaning of love because for them its associated with horrible acts of abuse. All I can do is love her like I know and try to understand that she can only love me as much as she knows to. I wish you all the best and hope you can all find your "Common Ground"

I am the one that is not showing enough affection! I am not cheating and do not wish to be in a different relationship. I love my husband with all my heart body and soul, however it is hard to show affection because of my past. affection was given as an apology for abuse, or as a coax for sexual abuse. maybe your spouse has a past, dont jump to the conclusion that they are cheating.

You describe exactly how my husband is making me feel at the moment. It's a lonely existence, even lonelier than my single days.

Everyone blames the man. That is B.S. Women can be bad news as wives and mothers. I know I am married to one. After 10 years of what I thought was a great marriage and it was, she told me her obligation was done. Also she said she only married me because she thought it was "time" to do so. She stopped caring for our children at this point as well. All she ever cares about now is herself. Period. Have not had sex with her in too many years to even think about. I will not divorce her because that is what she wanted after 10 years. Too bad. Im not gona hand over half of what I built to a horrible person. Thats what she counted on and its not gona happen. The best thing that has happened about this is I have developed much greater relationships with my children.


I'm feeling the same! What is it with these women! We do all they ask for and beyond and then nothing in return! Then they wonder why we start looking for that attention else where!

Preach it! Perfect!

I'm in the exact same boat or hell that is described above.

I don't know what to do any longer.

Thought it was me wrote this. Exactly my situation . I'm starting to think she's cheating and when I speak my mind she calls me a weirdo haha. This is probably from no affection she also talks to me different then others she is more interested in others convo than mine . I don't know I'm glad I'm not the only one goin through this.

Guys,when your wife suddenly becomes cold and distance.She may be cheating. Check it out !

I am in a similar boat, my wife and I have been married for about 8 years , been together around 12. When we met she was a student , now she has her masters and is an excellent kindergarten teacher. I am proud of her but in the past year she has become quite cold and distant. We see each other so very little and she chooses extra time at work instead of taking time on us. She never initiates any type of affection anymore it always has to be me. She has begun to just not call me after work and stay late. I dont know what to do at this point we have three children , it breaks my heart every second of every day but trying to be open and honest with her only makes her lash out, and accuse me of trying to control her life.

Im at my end. I dont want a life without her but its so very saddening to love someone so much and not feel it in return.. thanks for letting me vent here.

Im not trying to be funny here, but, I believe your wife may be having an affair. Before others become completely unglued by that seemingly subjective statement, affairs are not always person-meets-married-person affairs. Your wife could be having some type of mental affair with a person, place, job, etc. Your wife is so self absorbed, your only hope is to seek counseling together. Experience talking, not guessing. Think about it, if things have been left to unravel this far, then imagine what it will be like in another 8 years...if you two exist at all as a couple. Find a reputable marriage counselor quickly. I know as a man it is hard to admit we need the help, but its either that or watch the situation continue to diminish as you enter into a resentment stage and worse yet, you both will put your children right in the middle of it. Seek help soon my friend.

It is. It's soul-destroying.

I married my husband with the understanding that he is in the wheel chair. He initially tried to make me believe that he could obtain an erection and he can not. I accepted it because I love him, and would accept the affection he had for me because it was so frequent and genuine. As soon as we moved into the house and got married, I swear the man, stopped taking me out, spending quality time, no intimacy. I am so ready to go. So not to cheat on GOD, because nothing I do is right..

I completely understand your feelings. I also married someone who could not obtain an erection. I believed in my heart that the love I had for him was enough and that I could deal with not having intercourse. However after 13 years I am experiencing no affection at all. My husband has also stopped going out with me , there is no intimacy. He spends all of his time asleep and when he is awake he watches cartoons. When I come home from work, he is asleep. I realize he takes a lot of medication that may make him sleepy. But I know that his medical condition (diabetes) requires him to be active. I have not been out with him in years. Not even for a walk in the park. He gets angry and lashes out at me when I try to talk to him about how I feel. I asked him if I could take him out on a date and he asked me if I was trying to relive my childhood. How insensitive. I hate the loneliness I feel. I am becoming very emotionally distraught and will cry if the weather changes. There is a part of me that wants to go, but I made a vow to love in sickness, health, etc. I pray about it all the time, because I do love him. I just want some affection in return. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you and hope you find the answer you seek. Thank you for allowing me to vent also.

Thank you so much for your response. Yes, I understand what he is going through. We have made several appointments to see various doctors. We have talked about the situation and he knows that I am on his side. When it comes time to go to the doctor he will make up a reason not to go. I have never pressured him on this or made him feel anything other than he is my love and my heart.

I have been forceful on trying to get him to take care of his health. He has a heart condition that I make sure he goes to the cardiologist regularly. However he doesn't take it seriously. He still smokes. It doesn't matter how I encourage him to take care of his health, he has got to want to be healthy for himself.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I have the same issue but with my wife. She works and all but I take care of the kids and all housework, on top of working a full time job. I get little to no physical affection, she says the "I love you" all the time. However I believe that a person should not say that to someone and then turn them away physically. Just wanted to let you know your not alone.

you are indeed worthy to be called a woman for all you said here. If you are a christian and you want joy in your marriage, i will help you fix it. It is very simple. inbox me here to get updates

Hello, thank you for your response. Please explain your comment.

Hi, FYI I'm a married male. If I were you I would leave and file for divorce. Not being able to get an erection is one thing. However he is now withholding all affection from you. That is unjustified and you should not have to put up with it.

Don't believe it. Your bored of him. Experienced a home and marriage with a disabled person and now your ready for someone new that can walk and get an erection. He was a "marriage test" so to speak...let him down softly with that cold heart of yours please.

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<p>I too have been married nearly 18 months, working two jobs, working around the house and trying to launch a small business., and instead of being appreciated all my never healthy wife does is complain and make excuses. her grown children live rent free while I've become a slave. it's really dragging me down to the point I'm ready to leave. When it comes to sex, I'm always refused and I'm nearly to the point of bringing in a woman to be with me as she won't make an effort to save our sexless marriage. send me a woman please.

I've never understood why people who are allegedly 'at the end of their rope' don't take the ultimate risk, honesty. Your complaints, while perhaps founded, sound like a young child. 'They don't like me, all they do is take my stuff, so Im gonna step out...that'll show em!'. Negative. You have to think smarter than that. First, who's fault is it that you are overwhelmed with work? Sounds like maybe there is a msall chance that your home life isn't what you like it to be so now you are 'unavailable' all the time or as the modern adult calls it, 'busy'. Interesting you phrase it, " never healthy wife...". Are you saying shes overweight? Constantly doesn't feel well, what does that phrase mean? It sounds like you've already adopted a mind of negativity about your spouse. I think sometimes people think, say or post things about their spouse with out remembering, this is the person whom you loved enough to walk down the isle with (Or in whatever fashion you became married). If you've allowed yourself to become a 'slave', the hard medicine to take here is, that is your doing. Sex, if you peruse other millions of posts on similar topics by people in similar situations, is an all-too-common "weapon" used in marriage by one partner or another to administer what little control they feel they have in the relationship. Unfortunately, you have bigger issues in your house hold to address than sex. Granted that's the most physical and perhaps most 'pressing', but, not the tip of the marital troubles pyramid. There are always two sides to every story, much like a pancake, and unfortunately on sites like these, we can't get the whole story. However, from what little you have posted, it seems like there is more than you are sharing. Perhaps some control issues on your side? Ever been told you are too 'tight' with the wallet in the house? Perhaps your spouse, and from what we can gather by reading your brief post, doesn't work and relies solely on your income, which you have seemingly voluntarily taken on more work to increase. Sometimes, this leads to resentment on the non-working spouse's part and begins a snowball at the top of a mountain. Lets review: Your newly weds (Sorry, I've been married 20 years, 18 months ain't #@$^), you have taken on multiple jobs, launching a new business, the house work, you have allowed her children to establish themselves in you and your wifes home, you feel enslaved, you state you are 'always' refused sex and you are considering adultery. Friend, you need to reboot your marriage. My advice, and lets face it, Im just a person on the internet, so take it how you will, is to start at the top of this multi-layered issue and work your way down. As I opened with, you need to start with honesty, not adultery. What do I mean, you ask, "I have complained to her thousands of times and nothing changes", bet you didn't know I knew that you have already complained to her thousands of times, right? Why, simple. Every marriage runs this course in some form or fashion, its just a little more difficult to untangle in your case. So, now, lets try it differently. Send the slave-driving kids out for a night, give them each a benj$ and tell them to go find something to do on a Friday or Saturday night. Once the kids are gone, you and your wife will experience this moment, this thing you used to know, its called silence. Suddenly no more kids to worry about, no more 'slave drivers', just you and the wife. Then, cook dinner, order dinner, what you know will appeal to her and invite her to sit and eat with you, just one on one. Once the meal starts, address her as the love of your life, not like the enemy. Address her like and adult, not a whiny kid, she probably gets plenty of that from the live-in 'failure to launch' generation that's sharing your hot-water. I advise writing down the 3 main points you need, as a couple, to address together and one by one, go over each point, patiently, calmly and with out raising your voice. Listen, this scenario may not happen first time out, but once your wife realizes that these are real issues for BOTH of you to address (In other words, starting out the conversation with 'you suck because...' or 'you must do this or that..', that's not how growed up people talk, not is it? Right, so approach her with the respect your wife deserves and talk with her. You think, "sure, easier said than done, right." and it would be true. This isn't a conversation or plan you throw together in an hour. You need to think this through, completely. "But wait, I have a TON of issues, 3 won't even scratch the surface". Ya and Rome wasn't built in a day Romeo, so start with the top 3. I would almost bet your left testicle that you probably won't even get past the first two, so slow down, take it one small bite at a time. Key to this conversation is letting her know she is safe to respond to these issues, as long as it is calm and respectful, in anyway she would like. That is, if your wife doesn't feel safe, that there won't be some form of physical or financial retribution for her honesty, then this is wash, won't work, may as well save your breath. Saying things like, "when we married, I thought it would be you and I starting a new life together. Now I am worried with two other adults in the house, we will feel like children trapped at home again with our parents constantly in our business." is far more effective than statements like, "you kids suck". You see the diff there Billy Bob? As I said earlier, this is not a tactic to be taken lightly, it should be well thought out, you should be well rested, in the correct frame of mind, etc. I highly recommend you write notes and use them to keep the conversation on track. Sometimes spouses will go in the opposite direction when it comes down to face to face honesty and try the age old 'make about something else' tactic and in modern society where everyone is so on-guard and out for themselves, this tactic works well. Use your notes to keep the conversation on track and be strong willed in not allowing the conversation to be re-directed. If you stay the course and stay out of the child like name calling or blame game, your wife will eventually realize you two are not children anymore and that this situation is serious and needs addressed. Lastly, once the conversation is near closure you need to let her know that if these issues are not addressed, there are consequences. (DO NOT threaten your spouse). By consequences, I mean you let her know that (Heres where being honest is tough, but hey, your already one foot in another womans arms, so, what do you have to lose?) you would consider legal separation or stay at a friends house for a month until she is willing to discuss or even better, help take action to resolve these issues WITH YOU. Never lead her to believe the problems are all her because you have played just a big a role in allowing these things to happen in your house hold. You two met as a couple, dated as a couple, married as a couple, live as a couple (Albeit, poorly) and you will *resolve issues* as a couple. See how all those statements are similar? They all have the word "couple" in them, not SHE or HE or YOU or THEY. As long as this post is and as doubtful as I am that you will read it, much less all of it, and even less that you would actually consider it, it doesn't scratch the surface of 'marital situations 101' that should be taught prior to every marriage. That all said, if you are so determined to get some strange, then what do you have to loose? No one ever sat in front of a judge and had to plead guilty to "I treated my wife like a grown adult and had an honest but tough discussion with her". No, you would just end up another sucker paying for a divorce once the wife found out and quite frankly, regardless of how big you think the halo over your head is, everyone around you knows your a cheating scum-bag who got caught justifying why he should be able to go stick is sword fish in some other woman's wahoo (Awesome salt water fishing reference if you didn't catch it, man Im good). Anyway, if you believe none of this, at a minimum, seek out a reputable marriage counselor, even if she will not go, and discuss the situation, see what they recommend. I am willing to bet the above information could save you a ton of ca$h and heart ache though. Best of luck and as they say, don't get caught with your trousers down, mate.

This is one of the lucid, hit the nail on the head no nonsense posts I have ever read. Thank you CP

you talk a lot about respect,yet you do not show it!! much like the situation this fellow and i are in!!

you have some really good points i must say!! but a very disrespectful way of communicating them!!

After reading your reply,,,you sound like an ignorant jerk to me,,,full of pride and other bs,,,you really are just making up a lot,,,makes me think you are a person who fits the bill for what this poster was talking about to begin with,,do you feel guilty about being a poor mate,,,that is how this translates to me,,,

Wow love you reply.

The heck with her, just leave. If my kids were not little, I am not sure if I would still be here either. To be honest I truly love my wife. I think about her all day long, but being refused physically is really starting to take its toll on me. I even signed up on Ashley Madison, but I just cant see doing that to her. I guess I'm just a chump.

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I feel exactly the same!. He says he hasn't got a high sex-drive yet he was ringing chat lines as soon as we come home from going out!. ( I found that out after investigation). I've gone to bed and the telly is still on with babe station still on. I feel so low, so un-loved, un wanted, desired, cherished etc etc. Before i got with him. I was so foward with men. I want to be the 1 with him to start things going but i don't know how to approach him (like he dosen't want it)!. Very ....

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I've been married for only 4 months. I work 2 jobs so my wife can stay home and raise our son. He is not biologically mine, but his real father has never wanted to be a part of his life. I gladly stepped in and have been helping my wife raise him. Since our honeymoon our sex lives have almost disappeared. She hardly tells me she loves me, never kisses me goodnight, and when I do touch her or put my arms around her she pushes me away. On top of all of this, our house is never clean, we have dishes and laundry stacked up all the time. So on my day off I usually do the laundry and dishes and clean. She says our son takes up all of her time. Really? I know he's very active, but I need help. I work 2 jobs to support us so she doesn't have to work, and she can't even do the dishes or hold me? Idk what to do. But I'm starting to get depressed and have found d myself even looking at other women. I don't think I could ever cheat, but it bothers me that it's even come to this. and in such a short time.

See my reply to Walteria above. Needs some tweaking for your version but, in short, time to sit down and have a heart to heart with Mrs Rubble before things deteriorate further. Best of luck.

if he's not yours and your not happy LEAVE! When she has to do it herself she will come crawling back. Then tell her to go to H***. She gave you all the attention you wanted until the ring was on and then she thought I have him trapped. So get your manhood and your balls back and leave.

This sounds like she is using you bro, seriously. You have two jobs and she cant clean the house and deliver the goods to keep the relationship going after 4 months of marriage? Really? She is failing big time as a wife. The child is not yours, even if the father is out of the picture there will ALWAYS be another man. Your wife is ungrateful, fails to see the value you bring to the family and is failing to see you as the Man that you are. You deserve better. Get out.

Same here. We've been married a little over a year and it has gotten to the point where I won't see my husband except when he goes to sleep at night (and sometimes he doesn't even do that). He doesn't work, he doesn't help out around the house, we have no children, all he ever does is lock himself in the computer room all day and night for at the very least 16 hours a day (and sometimes fall asleep in there) THEN he will tell me he needs MORE "alone time". When you spend more than 16 hours a day ALONE why the hell would you need MORE alone time? Honestly there have been times where I will go months without any sort of physical contact with him, no affection, no "I love you", no attention, no sex just always nothing.
His ignoring me can last anywhere from days to weeks to months. And if I complain about it he uses that as an excuse to ignore me for even longer. He has actually promised over and over again to spend time with me he will set the date and the time and THEN when the time and date he picked comes around: NOTHING. Usually I will wait about four or five days to finally point out that he was supposed to spend time with me, he picked the day and time and then when it came around he didn't. You wanna know what that gets me? He uses that as an excuse to explain why he never spent time with me even though it was well after the day and time he picked.
When that happens it usually takes anywhere between another week up to a month for him to ever actually follow through on his promises. And by the time he finally does I am so angry and depressed from being completely ignored for so long its pointless anyways. Usually about the week mark in one of these "episodes" I get extremely depressed and spend the rest of the time crying while I wait for weeks and even months for him to FINALLY show me some sort of attention/affection. There have actually been times where I have left the house for more than 6 hours and he not even notice I left. Which only makes me feel that much worse. He honestly will show the dog more attention than he will me.
Today from the time he woke up at 11 am (he didn’t even go to bed until 5 am) until a little after 4 pm I said NOTHING to him because he complains if I even speak to him half the time. A little after 4 pm I knocked on the door to the computer room which he always keeps locked to remind him that he had to go somewhere with his friend and needed to get ready. You wanna know what he did? He screamed at me about how I have been nagging him all day and that’s why he never spends time with me and shows me no affection. After I had said absolutely NOTHING to him for over 5 HOURS. How the hell does that even make sense?!

That sounds awful. The fact he actually LOCKS himself in a room to use the computer suggests he's addicted to gambling or ****, or maybe he's chatting to other women.
I suggest you try and find out what he's doing in there, the answer maybe a clue on how to help support him or help decide what YOU need to do.

If you're in the st. Louis area please look me up. Sounds like we have a lot in common.

Your husband has an internet addiction. I know it sound funny, its still about a generation away from being a recognized 'disease' but, I lived it, I know what he's going through. You really want to see him flip? Go unplug the internet outside the house and don't tell him. I bet you $$ money he craps himself, will be the most miserable 10 seconds of your life (10 seconds because like any other addict, if the internet goes down (His addiction) he will begin to completely flake out with out his drug of choice...the net). I say that, he may only being addicted to computing or perhaps he's a programmer and they can be VERY reclusive. Again, I am not speaking out of my arse, I really have been down this road with my wife. So much so that at one point, she threatened to leave me. That was my wake up call, though, its a risky tactic, I do NOT recommend you consider that. Instead, you two need to seek help, perhaps you could work with one of his family members that are close to him or a friend. You would be surprised at the influence someone like that can have. Otherwise, you may just have to tell him point blank, sitting on the computer will not only eventually kill him, it will more immediately kill your marriage. Tell him in no less words, you two must seek counseling NOW. I DO NOT recommend you attempt to discuss his addiction, only that you two need to seek a reputable professional marriage counselor immediately. Untreated, you two will most likely not survive the addiction.

Pack your **** an leave. You are with a child not a man. He does not want a woman in his life. He is probably ************ and playing online games all day. You want to have some fun, while he is sleeping disconnect the internet and hide the damn cables. When he comes bitching, say "Oh now you want to talk to me?" Seriously move on.

Set up camera in the room when he leaves the room for a bit...I agree with's obvious that room has some kind of attachment with him. Creepy

He's addicted to ****. That one is easy. He's constantly spilling his seed. He's never engergized. He's short tempered. I bet he even gets some depression. He's risking everything to get that thrill from the screen, he doesn't care for anyone but himself. When you come to the door and and he gets angry and says you nag him all day, that gives him (in his small brain) permision to stay in the computer room longer ("I'm mad at you so I'll stay here longer" type of thing). You should not have to put up with any of that. A relationship is meant to be enjoyed. You both should be growing together, evolving, making love, laughing, enjoying some fresh air in the woods (nude :-) ). A little over a year of marriage (as of when you posted) and with this grave situation doesn't make any sense. I suggest you write him a letter explaining your point of view and leave it on his door for to find after you've been on the road for 6hrs to a better life. He might change, who knows, but its an addiction, just like any other. Point him in the right direction and start living the full life you were meant to live on this mighty Earth!

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Weve always talked about anything. We've been together for 6 years. I'm not one to hold my tongue so I've mentioned to her before that I was feeling unloved. Her response last night was "I'm sorry. I know I'm like my mom!" Finally a break through. Her mother is the first mother I've ever met that's so unloving. I guess it's strange to me because my big Irish/Italian/Southern family is so overly lovable. We hug & kiss every time we see each other. My mom always played hair and my nanny still to this day curls my hair when she sits next to me. We've always supported each other & passed positive comments around just to make the others feel good but she's not like that and neither are her parents. Her family's so negative. They always find opportunity to put people down. Anyway I'm saying all this to say it's not you. I've read some of the comments too and my heart breaks for all of you. I'm with you though. I buy expensive things, I buy little thinking of you things, I leave little post it notes around the house, I plan trips and date nights, I tell her she's beautiful, and that she looks like she's losing weight, and nothing. She loves me & still intends to marry me but nothing. I get a hug & kiss maybe once a week, I get a back scratch on rare occasion when I ask. I've always been told it's the little things and always thought that was horse s***, but that's exactly what's missing. That's all I want. Little things like playing with my hair & holding my hand. Anyway she said she'd work on it, again. So I guess I'll ask God to help her work on it, again. Prayer is that only thing that has kept me from leaving. I read some of your post and see 25-30 years and think God how'd they do it for so long I don't think I can do that.

"...She loves me & still intends to marry me..." Um. Hmmm. Are you two living in not married, living in the same residence??

My wife is so full of distrust that she carries her hand bag to the bathroom saying I'm going through her things. Then she sleeps tosses and turns and lays on her arm and says I did it during the night. She was diagnosed wit BP Disorder. She recently had a hysterectomy and is on hormone therapy. The psychiatrist told me she needs to be on meds but she refuses them and tells me she doesn't love me any longer. I overheard her on the phone telling her friend she cares for me but is not in love with me. I was devastated. I new it was the beginning of the end. I recently retired and expected to live the rest of my life with her but it doesn't look that way. We have no kids and we've been married for 26 years. We've known each other for 33 years and we're best friends. I still love her very much but she fantasizes about being away from me. When I try to have sex with her she says you'll never get this ever. You attack me in my sleep. Take my clothes and my other things. I told her over and over that I don't. This is a sign of schizophrenia, dementia and personality disorder mixed with her BP. The doctors told me she can have all of those illnesses together simultaneously. I was shocked. But I try to honor our vows but now I know we cannot live together. Perhaps she will find out I was right about her in my absence but I won't take her back after we divorce. Too much.

Your wife is ill. I am not an MD by any stretch, but, this is not the person talking, its the disease. You should work with you physicians who are treating your wife to see what you can do. Find some real support groups, not internet blog/chat site to hook up with, there are tons more spouse's living with these kinds of illnesses, you need to tap into their experience. You can't change the mind of expect someone who mentally ill to 'realize' or 'find out' anything. She's sick dude, find out how to help her and dig in, it could be a long and will be a bumpy ride.

Great subject.... I'm living this too.

I grew up in a house where my dad was mentally abusive towards my mom.... So I took the bad from this and swore I would be the complete opposite of this... Mission accomplished with ease.

But my girlfriend (4 years... 2 kids later) is cold... She hasn't kissed or touched me since November 2012!

She had a baby in July 2013. I understand she's tired from taking care of the baby.

But a slight show of affection (kiss on the cheek or a few faint words) are nowhere in sight...

I know I'm the more open one in the relationship and all but I mean... s***. Her ways are rubing off on me and I hate it. It's like there's a monster creeping inside me slowly.

The only time I get affection is if I'm lucky and dream about it... Seriously.

People say get out... But I can't destabilize the kids.

F***. I've been divorced,
The b*tch was crazy.
I came into this one with no expectations.
Kids are born.
Expectations grow wether you like it or not.
I love my kids.
What's left to do???
Suck it up. Hold my breath.
Throw the morality book out the window.
Close my eyes and hope for the best.

MY advice... I f you're living this kind of a nightmare but don't have kids.... Get out... That's what I did with my crazy ex... But now I have kids so the game is quite different.

I think you can go your seperate ways and still support your children in a caring and stable way.... Maybe dont move all to far and still be there for them and try to get shared custody that keeps things easy for all those involved.

"...But my girlfriend (4 years... 2 kids later) is cold... She hasn't kissed or touched me since November 2012!...She had a baby in July 2013." So many things wrong here, not sure where to start. Let me just say this. Stop playing house, man up and marry the mother of your children. Once you have accomplished that, come back and post up or seek counseling. It shouldn't amaze anyone that when you start the process off in reverse order, you hit all kinds of issues you didn't expect. Really dude, Im not posting this in a mean spirit, just spittin' the truth. You can't fix something from the inside that is broken on the outside. You have a history, divorced once, you need to consider what your saying when you repeat those vows, promising forever, forever doesn't end when it gets tough or is convenient. Sorry dude, but you two really need start with exchanging vows and committing to one another. Best of luck.

its really to late for that cp!!

Kids are no reason to stay through this kind of stuff. Honestly you should divorce and file for sole custody to save them from the abuse you suffered.

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Sounds awful and very familiar. Bottom line, my wife doesn't trust me and hasn't trusted me For a decade , maybe since the second year of marriage, after our child's first year. Much, perhaps all, my fault. Biggest damage, I didn't get home from work promptly. I'd call, we'd talk, even though I said I was coming home I'd feel confident and competent after talking and try to get one more thing done before I left... So I'd work another 30-60-90 minutes, get home late. No excuse and I know the pattern. Also, our housekeeping standards & practices don't line up, and she feels she's given and accepted as much as she can. I snore but problems started before I started sleeping in the office.I gave up on any hope of affection more than five years ago. We both doing our best, no drugs, drink or cheating, it's clear I shouldn't have asked her to marry me and she should never have said, "Yes". My only defense is that we really did try to let each other know who we really were, and she knew we were not well matched, but she thought she could change me.Our child is now a very fragile teen, how much because of parent's bad marriage? We just admitted failure at our second attempt at 10th grade. Depression and anxiety are kid's issues, all three of us on antidepressants.On the plus side, with kid abandoning school, no private tuition, might have enough money to separate, see if we can be more effective parents if not trying to be married too. Unfortunately, I've been down-sized 4 times in last 9 years, and lost a 5th job because I didn't fit, not working, right now, no income.Even knowing what's broken doesn't guarantee we can fix it. We married late, now in late 50s.Good luck. I hope your story ends better. - drs

Many years ago, I told my husband that if he took care of me, I would take care of everything else. Simply defined: give me affection, show me you love me, and make me feel like a woman and I will make sure your home is clean, your belly is full, and your heart is content. We had a great sex life for the first five years or so; fun, uninhibited, and fueled by our desire for each other and the insatiable hunger to be closer. 12 years later, I sit here and dread facing another miserable day in a marriage that has been neglected for so long. We don't even sleep in the same bed together anymore. Why? Perhaps because there have been disappointments that were never acknowledged for fear it would expose the hurt and leave the heart vulnerable to further pain. I'm guessing this can only be done so many times before the heart remains permanently sheltered from any threat of harm. Or, perhaps: I am his wife but am now regarded as his child’s mother and have a different agenda to fulfill in the relationship.
My husband has not made love to me in two years. He claims E.D., but also says that the medications that he has tried have had undesirable side-effects so he won’t use them. The last several times he and I shared our bed, he completely ignored me, didn’t talk to me, touch me ……after a few months, it finally got to me, the message was suddenly loud and clear. I remember the night I rolled over on my side, faced the wall and quietly sobbed until my nose was so stuffed-up I couldn’t breathe. I got out of bed, sat in the living room and cried until my eyes were swollen almost shut. I have never felt so unwanted in my entire life. Since that time many months ago, he has never once questioned me as to why I don’t sleep in our bed anymore. Why do I think he avoids asking me? 1) Because he doesn’t care 2) He wants the bed to himself
I was once an attractive, motivated and self-confident woman. I have become the product of my husband’s neglect; as a result, I am profoundly sad and it reflects in my desire to take care of myself, my house, or my priorities. I find things, anything, to divert my attention from what is happening to my life and our decaying marriage. Is there anything that could completely turn this whole situation around?
Reach out to me, pull me close and hold me in your embrace; don’t let me go. I need to nudge my face to your neck and smell you, the warm, intoxicating scent that is my sacred nirvana; my safe-place (don’t say a word yet, it’ll probably be wrong. I’ve heard your voice enough in the past months and I will immediately associate it with the complaining, hurtful remarks you’ve made that cut me to the core) once you feel the tension leave my stance and detect subtle submission, look deep into my eyes and softly and sincerely say “I am so sorry” as you brush the hair from my eyes or gently lift my chin so our lips meet. Do not be in a hurry, this isn’t a prelude to sex, it’s a heartfelt affirmation of your love and desire for me with no strings implied or intended. This would serve as the “Hail Mary” that our marriage so desperately needs right now. Lead me to the couch where we can face each other and talk. No TV, cell phones, kids, or other distractions. This is our time alone to heal, to re-connect, to reclaim our relationship and fall in love again.

Good evening.
My heart goes out to you! I often feel the same way. I reach out for love and all I get is pain. When I ask her for a simple hug, it seems like she can barely stand it. She says she loves me but I don't feel it. If I didn't make the first move, there would be no moves made. Maybe we love differently. Maybe we are incompatible after all. Eventually the true truth will surface and I will know what I have to do. But dang it... I am a lover and that is what I should be able to do with my love/wife. Sorry if this response seems misguided or all over the place. I am trying to juggle my own emotional mindframe of the heart as well. Anyway.
About your man, maybe he doesn't know how to revive his own heart.
Maybe he feels inadequate somewhere and unable to forgive himself for something. Maybe there's room for healing. Maybe not.
I know you said y'all have kids but, what is the possibility of you moving out for a little bit? I know this doesn't seem like a fix to your relationship, but, if there is still love between the two of you, it will surface when you change the dynamic. Of course you won't be moving on (yet) and you aren't ending things... You would just be giving the both of you an opportunity to experience what life would be like without each other. If he doesn't flinch at your absence, you may have the answer you were looking for. If he does flinch, he may be willing to get help, or be willing to see the importance of change/you in his life. It may seem counterproductive, but if you handle it right, and stand firm, you might be surprised of the outcome. I sure hope so. :)
Best of luck to you both.

Well no surprise same here. I have to almost beg for sex and she always has a excuse for everything so I tried to solve them all. Beds load 1200 bed with foam matrices still didn't help. Spent the world on her and I love her I'm not gloating but I no there's tones of girls that Chase me down even when I'm in my army pt. At gym but I turn away. It got bad to the point I was depressed and we separated for months and she became her self again. We were like close friends talking about sex life's everything witch I truly hated hearing her say how she loves sacking her man's **** while she sits on his face. I wanted to **** her in the SUV one night after our anniversary dinner but she said no grow up. We'll 4 months ago I was out at bar she's ******* dude in the SUV. 2 months ago there was a spark and we started to hang out **** and ****. Well I feel as it was because I got new house 3500 a month from army to 2025 and work part time with take home of 750 a week. If I don't buy or give her money she's down and gets me pist. She's back to being girl in bed with long sleeve pants on Grannies panty and hahaha I haven't got head in 2 months but she demands I eat her *****. Ooo her do anything but lay on her back would be a gift. She screams and squirts but won't be inventive. So yesterday I go to her work the girl down stairs said John why do it I said excuse me she said you are so ******* hot u are a soldier and good father but she doesn't work late. I said I figured that so I had to see. I caught her on her bosses desk with a guy who lives in the Norristown pa scums. He has scabs on his legs and arm and I decided to not let them see me instead taped them left went home made DVD for everyone in both sides of family her bible loving family and gave it to all them on Christmas as her dad put it in I walk over gave her divorce papers and told her all bonds safe box's and accounts are gone. Oooo the SUV lexus yeah donated it to purple heart was in my name. Yesterday my bro calls me saying I need to get to her apartment apparently 2 guys ran a train on her she's a reck so I in return decided to get a room in AC with friends **** that *****. Not to mention sex su ked she is 285 big roles and her ***** looked like something u see on a cow or horse. Cyndi Bowman is up for grabs trapp pa

Am in the same situation feeling used we just had a big fight and i think its over after 14 years of showing me affection no she says she is trying to whats done its done and it is what it is

We're going through some of the same Did it ever Work out for you.

Not unsurprisingly, same thing here. Lately the excuses have turned to desperate measures (the bed squeaks, the kids are too old and will hear[!!!], I had a hard day [she doesn't work or study], I just changed the sheets...)

Yeah ok. The biggest thing that hurts? The last kiss I got was probably six years ago. Even during the rare sex event, the mouth clamps shut and face turned away.

That, more than anything else, hurts. Am I so repulsive that I can't even get a kiss, a peck on the cheek, etc?

Andis001 DIDO YOUR ENTIRE POST DUDE!!!!! This is just crazy how many of us our going through exact same thing. Something is wrong with women bottom line. I am in the same position exact the guy took exact words from my.mouth ANDIS001 HOW R YOU DOING MAN!

When Life Provides Me With Lemons, I Make Lemonade FOR ME. Here is what I am trying to say...

Quick and short, My first relationship out of high-school gave me a daughter which I tried raising as a family. 4 years into that, Mom decided to abduct our daughter and leave to another country. I think you know how that ends... Well, I went and recovered her and finished raising her on my own. I married for the first time and had 4 more daughters in this marriage... Fast forward 12 years and she too left and took the children, because I worked too much. Today, I have been reconnecting with them as they turn of age. One under 18 left. By the way, the relationship with the daughters today is as if we have never been apart. Strong bonds. I love my daughters.

So, Why am I typing all this long winded personal stuff? Well, besides the fact that it feels like many things, I find myself in a awkward predicament. I don't expect to have the right answers on here, but I am open for suggestions.

I don't know how, seriously, I met a 22 year old with a head screwed on her shoulder better than previous women in my life. Wonderful right... Wait! In the beginning all is peaches and cream. 6 years later, I am diagnosed with stage 4 Colon Cancer, operated, went through Chemo and the wonderful things associated with it and so far, have come out on the other end mighty well - Thank you Lord!

Prior to my diagnosis, I purchased a home, car et cetera. Everything paid for. Everything. Prior to my diagnosis, private actions behind closed doors by consenting adults diminished considerably. I asked and was told repeatedly no and I don't believe in force. So I learned to go without. Today she states she loves me, but actions - which in my humble opinion, speak louder than words - say otherwise. I console myself saying that at the very least, I have "raised" / prepared someone for someone else. I know I won't be here much longer, I mean, we all will pass on eventually - right?

My situation is this, I want to live "the rest of my life" as happy as I can. She used to make me happy (actually, she still does - sometimes) but more often than not, we are both unhappy. I am not the type of individual to raise voice nor my hand towards ANY woman, no matter what but it takes a lot of intestinal fortitude, and I have a third of it left (no pun intended). How much longer should I have to go on like this? Mind you, I have been kicked in my private parts many of times for being nice, patient, kind, caring et cetera... But I don't want to go through this anymore.
I'm afraid to break her young heart by asking her to leave but in the meantime, my heart is unmendable - not a real word.

I'm not certain anymore of what I'm writing because I can't control the tears/uncontrollable sobbing and can't see straight.

I just would like to be loved and be happy and it appears that I will have to do this on my own, alone.

Happy Thanksgiving

When the issue is reversed, they cheat. Heartless women are out numbering the good ones. Been going through this for two years. I get I love you but...... I don't feel loved. I give her the world, my heart and yes I romance as well. Not enough I guess. I've come to the conclusion, I'm just being used. Pure bullshit, pure selfish crazy women!

I'm in a similar situation, my wife has encouraged me to take on a new hobby which takes me away 5 days at a time but only for a short period but I think she is getting used to me not being here and has many a night out with her best girl friend but they are more like drinking partners and just seem to be like sisters and my wife looks forward to their time together ( no I am sure that they are not having an affair)
Sex has died off other the last 3 years reducing to 1 per month or two months and then it's only what she calls a quickie.
I'm more of an outside type of guy who has over the last 6 months been consumed with my hobby but when we are together all my wife wants to do to relax is sit in the front room and watch tv which I can't do for long periods and when I mention us doing something together she makes excuses , but makes plans for us to go out with her best friend and her husband who also now holiday with us.
We also work together as well which doesn't help , I am 55 my wife is only 41 and I really am thinking that she doesn't find me attractive, we cuddle at night but then fall to sleep I don't feel I can make the first move for sexual contract as I don't want more excuses .
I love my wife but recently she has said that things will never be as they were years ago which I can accept but they could be much improved to what they are now.
I would love us to go out together just to talk and try to sort it out but she's happy to let things stay as they are.
Anyway it's been good therapy writing all this down sorry it's long winded but there must be many people out there with the same problems .

I see this was originally posted in 2009. I wonder what happened. hahaha

Same here I also wonder

I understand since I have a simiar situation. Would like to see the other comments, but how?

39 years old, second marriage. 2 boys with this wife. I feel so alone. I get a little kiss here and there, usually only after I complain. Then back to no affection. I initiate almost every kiss, every touch. Sex is something she says she likes, but never shows any initiative, or excitement over it. Wasn't raised in a touchy feely family. So learn to adapt. I have anger issues and trust problems, have been in counselling trying to change. Why am I the one who has to change? Screw you lady! You know sex isnt the only thing I think about. Quit saying it is. Going to start sleeping on the couch. Have to leave, can't live like this anymore. Sorry kids, life's rough and your daddy is a weakling who needs to feel wanted/loved. Makes me feel even worse. Won't even mention how often I think of eating a bullet. God dammit, I hate this life...

There is more to life than that. If you don't feel like you're enough without your wife, then you'll never be enough with her. Also, you're 39, not 19.

It doesnt matter how old you are, some people are just hard ***** when it comes to other peoples feelings. I dont know how old knomies is but evidently he thinks you shouldnt want sex or affection because your 39. Dont listen; you deserve whatever you want out of life

How you making out dude

I go through the same stuff hun and i am hating it as well, i get no love no touching or any form of affection. This is my second marriage to and i expected more from it. Sad thing is we have only been married for 2 months, my luck right so am thinking about leaving him. How can someone be lonely in a relationship?

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I have read your stories, and feel your pain. I am sleeping in the next room, and was told "your always mad about something". Well quess what, living in a sexless, no affection marriage for 16 years will do that to you. Sorta like the scene in City Slickers. I have loved, worked to make her happy, while she secretly ruined my credit, to end up with nothing more than a roommate that claims to love me. I'm a decent looking, caring, loving husband, and I'll give you all the right answer now. Who cares what their excuse is, they are selfish, narcistic people, who could care less about your needs, until you threaten to leave. Have you told them how you feel, sure you have, countless times. But they still sleep back turned. Is **** helping, of course not, it makes you feel cheap. Maybe some change, but just long enough to get you comfortable. It is time for a change. It will be hard, but no harder than feeling no love till you die.

Try getting to actually know a woman before marrying. Make sure she is actually into you, i.e. and you don't get that information from asking the girl. Its a question you have to ask yourself. Everything is always great during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship. Try living together for awhile before making such big promises to each other. She may have genuinely thought she loved you at the time. She's probably right, you probably are always mad about something since you describe how you've told her how you feel and she spent the night with her back turned to you. A guy who is pissed off because things aren't going his way is NOT sexy. At all. You don't look like a "man" who has been deprived of his humanity... but rather you look like a man who has lost his way. You probably married the women for who you wanted her to be and not for who she actually was... and still is today. You got kids? If someone saying yes to an insane question like "Will you marry me?" and having your baby and making a home for you isn't enough... you'll probably never be happy. You might have to take a look in the mirror and decide who you are and what you want and take responsibility for that instead of blaming everybody else for not bending to your will like you wanted.

I am sorry but this reply is bs and shows the true narcissistic nature of a non affectionate spouse.

You make a lot of assumptions, I lived with my wife for five years prior to marriage and we have been together for 16 years total. Our physical relationship was ideal prior to the birth of my children after that she stopped taking care of herself, doesnt care how she looks or dresses and could care less if we ever get affectionate again.
Both you and I know that if I left , that she would be at the gym, getting new clothes and would to pretend to be a lady long enough to land another guy because thats what many women do. To say this is not true is bs because almost every guy I know feels similar

I agree 100%. I am trying to not be bitter but it is hard after 14 years of marriage and for 10 I haven't been told I was loved. sex is once a month if I am lucky. She has said she doesn't care if she has sex. she has said she thinks she can only love the kids. I am not a perfect man by any means but I gave her everything including my heart. I take great pride in being a father and being a good husband. I believed my wife should have come first and then the kids would be happier for it. it killed me everyday to spoon her and her to never hug me. roll her eyes when I tried to kiss her. We had everything too and yet it was never enough. Our home wasn't fancy enough, our cars weren't good enough. Always something... But guess what when I left for the 6 or 7th time she begs me to come back, promises to change and realizes what an amazing man I am and she is sorry for never saying I love you. So I went back every time and after a few weeks it was back to the same. I just left for the last time.... I hope. I am so tired of living a loveless, sexless, passionate less marriage. It kills me to leave my kids but I feel I need to for myself. I will be a better father when I can show them love with out bitterness towards their mother. It hurts so bad to be the one that had to leave everything even though I was the one that tried. Why do I have to pay the price for her being unwilling to work with me on the marriage. I have tried to talk to hear, I have tried to send an email once in awhile to show here articles that show we are not alone in our struggles, show her I want it to work. she says she doesn't have time to deal with this. She actually tells me to stop complicating her life. She has other things to deal with. We all have things to deal with, our marriage should be near the top of the priority list. Especially when one or the other is in need.

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My wife goes through periods where she can only focus on one thing. Along came the baby and she lost all interest in me. So after four years I told her if she didn't change or go to counseling with me, I'd leave. She was not interested. So I left for a few days. She suddenly turned into an affectionate lover again. All was well until she started studying for an important exam. Now she is too tired and will agree to have sex once a week if I am lucky, every Saturday night, and just get it over with. No kissing or cuddling then or any other time. Demands that I stay on my side of the bed so she can sleep ready for another hard day studying. I think she's obsessive compulsive or maybe just selfish. My business is bringing in less money temporarily and she has started being hostile, because a real man goes to work 9 to 5 and brings home the bacon. I'm either away overseas or home getting ready for another trip. She has the nice house, new mercedes, buy anything she wants. Plus her sister and teenage nephew are living with us at my expense because they are refugees who don't speak English. My wife whines about lack of money even though I spent a ton on a house for the sister and legal fees for her sisters immigration and for her sisters husbands legal problems (now he is in prison). When I point out why we have less money than usual, my wife starts insulting me. When the money comes back and the relatives leave, my wife will be kinder to me. But I will remember her heartlessness long after she has forgotten why she thinks that right now I am a useless ***hole. It's funny, now I realize why I married her was because she was crazy about me for a few months, now she has other interests, I am nothing but a meal ticket. You can kick me only so many times. It makes me less inclined to be faithful.

She's not in love with you, hell she doesn't even love you. She is just using you and this is pretty obvious. Worse than that she's abusive. Get a lawyer and get all of your ducks in a row and get out while you can. As soon as she gets out of school, that she has you paying for (bitching while she drives a mercedes? Really?!) she will either divorce you and take as much of your money and things as she can or she will get pregnant once or twice and as soon as the kids are old enough to go to school she will divorce you and get alimony. Five bucks says you're in a state that has palimony too. (Shaking head sadly)
Ive seen this scenario with the same set of complaints and EXACT immigration story numerous times. Run.

I'm sorry so many of you are struggling with this problem, but I am the frigid wife and I can tell you how it is for me and maybe it'll help you figure things out a bit. First off I love my husband, totally crazy for him, he's my best friend and he is so patient with me. When we have sex it's always nice for both of us most of the time. I'm just not affectionate...Most of the time it's because my head is totally doing something else and I can't just switch, and sometimes when he asks me or starts touching me I get frustrated because it seems like that's all he wants and it's difficult for me to be aroused when he wants me to be. We have gotten an adult subscription box and that's usually a guarantee of sex 2 a month to try out the goodies, but a lot of the time I'm too high strung to to even think about sex, much less desire it. What helps a lot is just a relaxing time together, no tv or movies but just going for a walk and having tea helps most of the time because it gets my mind off of everything going on in my head. I know all women are different but I hope some of this helps.

This is so crazy. I hear you guys story and trip on the reality of things. I know she loves me, but I don't feel that I turn her on. I'm a guy whi has never had issues with this until I married the one I loved. Maybe its karma. I have been married and faithful for 8 years together for ten. I have spoken out on how I feel, I have always worked and taken care of the home. On top of that have gicen her all the attention she could ever want. She is spoiled. What sucks about the whole thing is when we do have sex its great for both of us. Is it a medical or mental condition, I don't know maybe I just want too much attention or want to feel wanted. I'm tired of being the initiator everytime. Somethings got to give

This is all to real --- I am a moment away from punching credit card details into a NSA sex site -- REALLY.........!!! Now before I am judged and labelled you should know that I have tried everything to please my wife even to a point of just making the point . If the excuse is X it WILL manifest into Y and so on and so on. But she does not want me to leave !!!!! Am I sincerely not getting this fellow readers? Do I run multi-million funded projects and employ so many people but through some minor brain malfunction just DO NOT have the intelligence to figure this one out. I have sat down and given her the opportunity for me to leave without anger and resentment, in other words agreeing with her that clearly I am not good enough for her and will not hold her back in finding the man that makes her happy -- yet she stays......but does not change, loves me but will not have me!! ---- REALLY!!!! ---- WTF am I missing here? and NO its not the money as she has ton's of it. Why can I just not get it? What am I not seeing? To top it all and NO not to sound self indulgent at all, I am told (Irritatingly almost) by other woman that I am a physically well kept guy, good looking, very funny, intelligent and generally a full bag of marbles.......and yes I believe the hammer in the tool box ain't for small nails. I am not a wife or kid smasher, I don't wear her clothes after dark, I am a loyal friend, honest with integrity. Anyway I'm starting to sound desperate even to myself right now, kind of selling myself, looking for affirmation -- but I'm failing in getting the attention from the only person I need it from. (Just trying to paint an accurate picture for everyone). Clearly I love the woman I married as then why even bother to right this in the first place. Perhaps if there are any other females out there who operate or treat their husbands like this then I beg for your reasons of WHY. Have fun all, cheers for now.

Its amazing the number of people on this blog that feel the same as I do. I have already tried some of the suggestions on the blog..being more romantic, being extremely helpful around the house, cooking/cleaning/laundry/support her in her career. I have spoken to her a couple of times about how frustrated I am about the lack of sex in our relationship and her response is she doesn't like it and its not for her and for me to deal with it. So now I am left with three options: 1- continue to suffer. 2- Go and cheat 3.- Walkaway from the relationship . It is really hard to be kind and caring on a daily basis when there isn't anything in return!

Best advice: Get out. kids learning bad relationship role models that will f them up later in life.

She's a cold fish, you don't deserve it, most people cannot emotionally survive without physical contact. People who avoid contact were themselves brought up by cold miserable mothers, and strict, sometimes abusive.

I'll keep it simple. Tell her how you feel, ask if there is a reason you are feeling this way. She may not realize how obviously distant she is being. Suggest counseling, and if she agrees, immediately schedule. Don't wait just because you have one good conversation. I don't advocate staying in a loveless relationship but I believe in trying everything you can. Really trying.

I feel for you All i am going through the same thing. I am on my 2nd marriage and am only 28. The first marriage. Ended When I returned home from Iraq years ago and literally found a man knocking on my door with roses to my ex wife and another sliding out the back door. That marriage ended abruptly. The only Response I ever got of why was. Your were go and no longer interesting. How ever i was young and stupid and did what most core boys did and got married before going off to war lol.

I am now on my 2nd marriage I have another child and a couple of step kids with her. We have been married for the last 4 years. Going on 5-6 years of being . together. For the last 3 years of our marriage My wife has been nothing but cold to me. Avoids any talks about our marriage. Avoids any sex and also avoids any form of cuddling and holding hand in public. The 3 simply words only ever get said when i say them. Depending on her mode is if she can bother to respond. The only reason why she states she does not say it. Was because she did not like being pressured. Our marriage has become so void of emotion that for the last 2 anniversary she has fallen asleep half way through the night. The next day when any comments are made about no sex or not spending time with each other all she could do is say so. Our last new years was settled with her starting another fight and turning around sitting in another room on her tablet so she did not have to bother with intimacy on any level . What ****** me off the most about this . Is she no longer acts like a wife or fulfills any form of our duties as a wife. But demands for me to do . This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do . Do i stay to be with my young daughter and keep taking care of her kids. Or do i be free and find some one whom does not make an excuse.

when I say we no longer make love. Well i mean in the manner of we only cuddle and kiss, maybe make love once twice three times tops a year.

Ok folks... I don't feel like telling my story right now, sufice it to say that it is scary accurate how close so many of these posts are to my life!

I want to comment on the children issue. We don't have children BUT I am the child of parents that were divorced AND both of those parents have married multiple times. My dad 3 (finally stayed with the last one, 25+ years now) and my mom....ummm.. 5 marriages? I think. she's settled down too, finally!

Anyway. If you EVEN THINK you are doing your kids a FAVOR by 'Staying Together for the Kids' let me tell you that you are DEAD WRONG!!! Not only do they see all of your problems even if you think they don't, they are ALSO LEARNING the bad relationship problems and they are being mentally filed away as NORMAL!! This will F' them up bad later in life.

I worked in commercial printing for 16 years. At the time it was the job with the highest divorce rate in the world, so I got first-hand experience watching divorces and divorces with kids.

If you have kids and you can't see any way to fix your relationsip and have been working at this for years, GET OUT! Your life is already f'd up, don't runi the kids lives too! ...yeah they will ***** for a while (the kids) about school/friends etc, but it will pass and be FAR LESS damaging than staying in the misery.

I would suggest giving some time alone so she can think things through and when the time is right she will come to you and ask for whatever it is she wants.

guys i have bee there stayed in a relationship for 13 years for my daughter .. it was the wrong thing to do .. if you are unhappy do something about it. tell you woman ( wife or partner ) Ie she is suppose to be your partner . how you feel if you responds great . if not move on . it is hard I know , but I don't know if I could go 1 or 2 years without affection or love let alone no sex for that long ..

I know how you feel minus the kids. Been marriage just over 4 yrs with no sex from the beginning. Most people on EP think I should leave while the we have no kids but here I am still. Why? I don't really know.

Maybe she wants you to be more romantic not sexual.

Sorry, but this oft-mentioned-from-women meme is baloney for a couple of reasons. First of all, a guy can go to a bar to get laid. But a guy who has devoted his life, time, energy, finances, and emotions to a woman, promised to love her, maybe bought a home together, raising much work as any human being can possibly wrap up with another...and now when there's very little free time because of all that, the woman is going to put up an *extra* obstacle course to sex?!? That is wrong on many levels.

That said, the biggest problem with this well-meaning advice is that I'm sure everyone here has tried that, and nothing changes. And after a while, you start to resent it. Imagine being hungry every day, and you're supposed to go to the person who's making you hungry and bark like a seal in the hopes of getting a little extra fish when you've already committed your life to them. It's demeaning and demoralizing. It's betrayal of the marriage, and since kids are often involved, it's also a form of blackmail where behavior that would easily lead to a divorce without kids doesn't happen because of concerns about the kids. It's essentially a passive-aggressive form of destroying a marriage, and frankly such a spouse deserves to cheated on; it's certainly no more of a betrayal. But try therapy first. ;)

Sound like you don't really want your marriage to work out anyways. If you don't even want to try my advise then why are you on this site asking for advise? Seems like you know it all already and that is getting you oh so far.

Umm, try reading more closely. 1) I said everyone here has surely tried your scary-brilliant advice, and 2) I'm not the OP.

I'm in the same boat, and ive been thinking. Its not all our fault or our wive's. it has a lot to do with society. Everything we do as a man is frowned upon and is labeled things like machismo. Lets face it, we've lost our manly ways... Our testosterone robbed from us. Don't you remember back in high school & college? The girls always went for the jerks! The testosterone "it's my way and I don't care if ur gone tomorrow cuz I've got 3 more lined up" all around tough guys. I used to be one... But now, we try to do everything to please the woman.... and u may have guessed it.... we're in the friend zone. Solution? There is none I can think of. Maybe a divorce and become a playa. How can u act like a "real man" ,by men's definition, in our current society and remain married? Your wife will divorce u in a heart beat. So, the key is to be a real badass... There are women that do put up with it, and their husbands aren't in the same boat we're on.

Ironic how single people (sometimes cheating, married ones as well) will go out, hook up and have sex the same night, while us, devoted loving husbands are forced to wait for years to get a little kiss every now and then and NO sex as if we were smeared with feces or had leprosy allover our bodies.
I've been married for 15, the last 3 absolutely no affection, no sexual contact. While in bed, backs turned with enough room to park a snowmobile in between. I'm under mine, she under her own small comforter. It is pathetic, no "I love you" Even when I say it first she rarely responds with the same, but I can tell she hates to say those three simple words.
Sending her email messages professing my undying love for her, almost never getting any responses and if there is one, it looks like it has been typed by a stranger and signed with her name. In most cases there isn't even a name under her frigid reply- so impersonal it's ridiculous.
When confronted, she claims she does love me but her actions sure speak to the contrary.
Hmm, and I thought it was us guys who were most likely to get disconnected and become lousy partners.
I hate my predicament yet believe it or not, I still love her and hope she'll change her ways.
If not, come the new year, I'm gone- life's too short to be subjecting myself to such an abuse. I'll become A-sexual and live out the remaining few decades of my life by myself, all alone. I'm done allowing my heart to be ripped out and stepped on.

My story is SOO similar tomany others here. Married 20 years with 2 kids . My wife and I are like 2 roommates that share the house.

My question is , do most marriages ten out this way?....with little or none love and affection? ...or should I divorce and try again?