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My Wife Shows No Affection

I am a 39 year old man in pretty good shape, 6'2" and fairly good looking.  I am a very affectionate and loving person, but my wife is not.  I am always the one to initiate sex, hugs, kisses, or any type of physical contact.  I don't understand why she's so cold to me.  I love her with all my heart, but she is breaking me down.  I have tried doing more of the housework, working out 5 days a week, anything I could think of to get her more interested in me but nothing works.  She tells me that she loves me, but she doesn't make me feel loved at all.  I want her to want to be with me without me asking her too.  We have 2 kids that I am committed to being here for, so I am at a loss as to what I should do.  Sorry for rambling.

raptor660 raptor660 36-40, M 263 Responses Nov 18, 2009

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I'm your mirror image the exact same spot

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It's hurt. M same boat

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I am a wife who is cold and insulting to my husband. My bipolar medicine usually helps, but I have been out of it for quite a while. I feel disrespected by my domineering husband, and he has a drinking problem, which makes it worse. We went through hard times for several years and made many mistakes in our relationship with each other, and the trust is gone. My husband has heroically provided a home for me, dispite his poor health, but our relationship has ended. We now rag on each other, and my love for him left long ago. I keep trying to sabotage our marriage so he will leave. That is where we are today

Like I tell everyone with this problem. You gonna have to go by what I say and don't wimp out if you really want your marriage to work. The key is to the solution is that you have to do the total opposite of everything that you do now. You not interesting anymore. Not the person she fell in love with. Before, you use to go out with your friends and do things with out letting her know every little detail but now your hen peck and you are up under her too much. So go out, enjoy your life and have fun and when she see you having fun she'll want to join in. It's like a game and you have to win. But...... Once you start don't you dare start feeling bad or pitiful for her and go back to your old ways. You have to keep up this persona from now on. I know it goes against your feelings but it's better to use your head because your feelings always want to lead and take charge but great things happen when we use our head.

Your wife does not respond, because you were a puppy dog all your life, and you cannot change that now, it is a established norm for good. Get another wife, but this time be a real man and not a needy mother ****** who needs sex and love to be alive. Act like, she is not the only game in town. She has to be part of your life, not all of it--but you made her to be all of it--a mistake. Stop throwing your *** at women, have some self respect. No self respect, no women, will attach to you in the long run, regardless of your status in real life. I take it back, you may find some sick needy women just like yourself to cling to you. But relationship based on need soon will become vain and suffocating.

Heyguys ive been married 33years sept 19. my wife shows almost No affection for last 10 years, I am lonely in my own bed and she is getting one last chance on our anniversary then Im taking my affection elsewhere. Im 52 years old with a muscular build, for now and Ill be damned if going to spend my last 25 years feeling like this

Doesn't get any better.... married 17 years now and same crap... get out early while you can...just waiting to divorce after the kids leave home.

It hurts.
I'm in same boat

The key is to the solution is that you have to do the total opposite of everything that you do now. You not interesting anymore. Not the person she fell in love with. Before, you use to go out with your friends is do things with out letting her know every little detail but now your hen peck and you are up under her too much. So go out, enjoy your life and have fun and when she see you having fun she'll want to join in. It's like a game and you have to win. But...... Once you start don't you dare stay feeling bad or pitiful for her and go back to your old ways. You have to keep up this persona from now on. I know it goes against your feelings but it's better to use your head because your feelings always want to lead and take charge but great things happen when we use our head.

I am currently dealing with the same thing, have you had any progress?

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I swear i thought i was writing this. I am going through the same exact thing...My wife and i are high school sweethearts been together five years before marriage, lived together for 3 of that 5, Now we have been married a year and she used to show such warm heartfelt affection it declined some around year 4-5 and then as soon as she said I do, she just completely went cold to me. I lost twenty pounds thinking that it might be that i gained some weight. I went to a counselor thinking that it was me, and learned how to communicate my feelings and tell her. Every time i bring it up she tells me that I am being ridiculous and annoying. I told her i need things to change, that i cant handle how cold she is to me. Still not a thing changes. I love her with all my heart and try everything i can think of and nothing changes. Friends and family are all concerned as well, it is that noticeable. She says i keep her up, i am not even allowed to sleep in the bed until she is asleep because my reading or me being there keeps her up and annoys her. I want to work at it but i dont know how much more i can take. We dont have kids, what should i do...

Nothing.just make feel her that u having affiar with some one.

Like all the others I am experiencing the same. Ive been married before, have a son with my previous and been in various relationships with differing scenarios. The hardest thing to find is a common place and a place in which both parties feel the common ground. Life is full of so many things both good and bad, happy and sad. Trying to find the balance is very difficult. My fiance and I love all the same things, sex drive is good on both parts however I am so much more affectionate. She had told me of some abusive things in her past as a child and was very open and forthcoming to tell however to discuss for long is cut short quickly as im sure for her is still hard to discuss. I thought ive had connections in previous relationships but her and I connect well and everything feels perfect except her ability to be more forward when it comes to showing affection. She said it makes her feel not so good or awkward. I wish I could help her feel more love. I don't know if she interprets love as a direct correlation to what others mentioned as apologies to abusive acts when they were younger. If it is the case I can understand but the sad part is they miss out on being so loved. Something so many people wish they had and unfortunate that those who can have it cannot internalize the true meaning of love because for them its associated with horrible acts of abuse. All I can do is love her like I know and try to understand that she can only love me as much as she knows to. I wish you all the best and hope you can all find your "Common Ground"

I am the one that is not showing enough affection! I am not cheating and do not wish to be in a different relationship. I love my husband with all my heart body and soul, however it is hard to show affection because of my past. affection was given as an apology for abuse, or as a coax for sexual abuse. maybe your spouse has a past, dont jump to the conclusion that they are cheating.

You describe exactly how my husband is making me feel at the moment. It's a lonely existence, even lonelier than my single days.

Everyone blames the man. That is B.S. Women can be bad news as wives and mothers. I know I am married to one. After 10 years of what I thought was a great marriage and it was, she told me her obligation was done. Also she said she only married me because she thought it was "time" to do so. She stopped caring for our children at this point as well. All she ever cares about now is herself. Period. Have not had sex with her in too many years to even think about. I will not divorce her because that is what she wanted after 10 years. Too bad. Im not gona hand over half of what I built to a horrible person. Thats what she counted on and its not gona happen. The best thing that has happened about this is I have developed much greater relationships with my children.

I'm feeling the same! What is it with these women! We do all they ask for and beyond and then nothing in return! Then they wonder why we start looking for that attention else where!

I'm in the exact same boat or hell that is described above.

I don't know what to do any longer.

Thought it was me wrote this. Exactly my situation . I'm starting to think she's cheating and when I speak my mind she calls me a weirdo haha. This is probably from no affection she also talks to me different then others she is more interested in others convo than mine . I don't know I'm glad I'm not the only one goin through this.

Guys,when your wife suddenly becomes cold and distance.She may be cheating. Check it out !

I am in a similar boat, my wife and I have been married for about 8 years , been together around 12. When we met she was a student , now she has her masters and is an excellent kindergarten teacher. I am proud of her but in the past year she has become quite cold and distant. We see each other so very little and she chooses extra time at work instead of taking time on us. She never initiates any type of affection anymore it always has to be me. She has begun to just not call me after work and stay late. I dont know what to do at this point we have three children , it breaks my heart every second of every day but trying to be open and honest with her only makes her lash out, and accuse me of trying to control her life.

Im at my end. I dont want a life without her but its so very saddening to love someone so much and not feel it in return.. thanks for letting me vent here.

Im not trying to be funny here, but, I believe your wife may be having an affair. Before others become completely unglued by that seemingly subjective statement, affairs are not always person-meets-married-person affairs. Your wife could be having some type of mental affair with a person, place, job, etc. Your wife is so self absorbed, your only hope is to seek counseling together. Experience talking, not guessing. Think about it, if things have been left to unravel this far, then imagine what it will be like in another 8 years...if you two exist at all as a couple. Find a reputable marriage counselor quickly. I know as a man it is hard to admit we need the help, but its either that or watch the situation continue to diminish as you enter into a resentment stage and worse yet, you both will put your children right in the middle of it. Seek help soon my friend.

It is. It's soul-destroying.

I married my husband with the understanding that he is in the wheel chair. He initially tried to make me believe that he could obtain an erection and he can not. I accepted it because I love him, and would accept the affection he had for me because it was so frequent and genuine. As soon as we moved into the house and got married, I swear the man, stopped taking me out, spending quality time, no intimacy. I am so ready to go. So not to cheat on GOD, because nothing I do is right..

I completely understand your feelings. I also married someone who could not obtain an erection. I believed in my heart that the love I had for him was enough and that I could deal with not having intercourse. However after 13 years I am experiencing no affection at all. My husband has also stopped going out with me , there is no intimacy. He spends all of his time asleep and when he is awake he watches cartoons. When I come home from work, he is asleep. I realize he takes a lot of medication that may make him sleepy. But I know that his medical condition (diabetes) requires him to be active. I have not been out with him in years. Not even for a walk in the park. He gets angry and lashes out at me when I try to talk to him about how I feel. I asked him if I could take him out on a date and he asked me if I was trying to relive my childhood. How insensitive. I hate the loneliness I feel. I am becoming very emotionally distraught and will cry if the weather changes. There is a part of me that wants to go, but I made a vow to love in sickness, health, etc. I pray about it all the time, because I do love him. I just want some affection in return. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you and hope you find the answer you seek. Thank you for allowing me to vent also.

Thank you so much for your response. Yes, I understand what he is going through. We have made several appointments to see various doctors. We have talked about the situation and he knows that I am on his side. When it comes time to go to the doctor he will make up a reason not to go. I have never pressured him on this or made him feel anything other than he is my love and my heart.

I have been forceful on trying to get him to take care of his health. He has a heart condition that I make sure he goes to the cardiologist regularly. However he doesn't take it seriously. He still smokes. It doesn't matter how I encourage him to take care of his health, he has got to want to be healthy for himself.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I have the same issue but with my wife. She works and all but I take care of the kids and all housework, on top of working a full time job. I get little to no physical affection, she says the "I love you" all the time. However I believe that a person should not say that to someone and then turn them away physically. Just wanted to let you know your not alone.

you are indeed worthy to be called a woman for all you said here. If you are a christian and you want joy in your marriage, i will help you fix it. It is very simple. inbox me here to get updates

Hello, thank you for your response. Please explain your comment.

Hi, FYI I'm a married male. If I were you I would leave and file for divorce. Not being able to get an erection is one thing. However he is now withholding all affection from you. That is unjustified and you should not have to put up with it.

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<p>I too have been married nearly 18 months, working two jobs, working around the house and trying to launch a small business., and instead of being appreciated all my never healthy wife does is complain and make excuses. her grown children live rent free while I've become a slave. it's really dragging me down to the point I'm ready to leave. When it comes to sex, I'm always refused and I'm nearly to the point of bringing in a woman to be with me as she won't make an effort to save our sexless marriage. send me a woman please.

I've never understood why people who are allegedly 'at the end of their rope' don't take the ultimate risk, honesty. Your complaints, while perhaps founded, sound like a young child. 'They don't like me, all they do is take my stuff, so Im gonna step out...that'll show em!'. Negative. You have to think smarter than that. First, who's fault is it that you are overwhelmed with work? Sounds like maybe there is a msall chance that your home life isn't what you like it to be so now you are 'unavailable' all the time or as the modern adult calls it, 'busy'. Interesting you phrase it, " never healthy wife...". Are you saying shes overweight? Constantly doesn't feel well, what does that phrase mean? It sounds like you've already adopted a mind of negativity about your spouse. I think sometimes people think, say or post things about their spouse with out remembering, this is the person whom you loved enough to walk down the isle with (Or in whatever fashion you became married). If you've allowed yourself to become a 'slave', the hard medicine to take here is, that is your doing. Sex, if you peruse other millions of posts on similar topics by people in similar situations, is an all-too-common "weapon" used in marriage by one partner or another to administer what little control they feel they have in the relationship. Unfortunately, you have bigger issues in your house hold to address than sex. Granted that's the most physical and perhaps most 'pressing', but, not the tip of the marital troubles pyramid. There are always two sides to every story, much like a pancake, and unfortunately on sites like these, we can't get the whole story. However, from what little you have posted, it seems like there is more than you are sharing. Perhaps some control issues on your side? Ever been told you are too 'tight' with the wallet in the house? Perhaps your spouse, and from what we can gather by reading your brief post, doesn't work and relies solely on your income, which you have seemingly voluntarily taken on more work to increase. Sometimes, this leads to resentment on the non-working spouse's part and begins a snowball at the top of a mountain. Lets review: Your newly weds (Sorry, I've been married 20 years, 18 months ain't #@$^), you have taken on multiple jobs, launching a new business, the house work, you have allowed her children to establish themselves in you and your wifes home, you feel enslaved, you state you are 'always' refused sex and you are considering adultery. Friend, you need to reboot your marriage. My advice, and lets face it, Im just a person on the internet, so take it how you will, is to start at the top of this multi-layered issue and work your way down. As I opened with, you need to start with honesty, not adultery. What do I mean, you ask, "I have complained to her thousands of times and nothing changes", bet you didn't know I knew that you have already complained to her thousands of times, right? Why, simple. Every marriage runs this course in some form or fashion, its just a little more difficult to untangle in your case. So, now, lets try it differently. Send the slave-driving kids out for a night, give them each a benj$ and tell them to go find something to do on a Friday or Saturday night. Once the kids are gone, you and your wife will experience this moment, this thing you used to know, its called silence. Suddenly no more kids to worry about, no more 'slave drivers', just you and the wife. Then, cook dinner, order dinner, what you know will appeal to her and invite her to sit and eat with you, just one on one. Once the meal starts, address her as the love of your life, not like the enemy. Address her like and adult, not a whiny kid, she probably gets plenty of that from the live-in 'failure to launch' generation that's sharing your hot-water. I advise writing down the 3 main points you need, as a couple, to address together and one by one, go over each point, patiently, calmly and with out raising your voice. Listen, this scenario may not happen first time out, but once your wife realizes that these are real issues for BOTH of you to address (In other words, starting out the conversation with 'you suck because...' or 'you must do this or that..', that's not how growed up people talk, not is it? Right, so approach her with the respect your wife deserves and talk with her. You think, "sure, easier said than done, right." and it would be true. This isn't a conversation or plan you throw together in an hour. You need to think this through, completely. "But wait, I have a TON of issues, 3 won't even scratch the surface". Ya and Rome wasn't built in a day Romeo, so start with the top 3. I would almost bet your left testicle that you probably won't even get past the first two, so slow down, take it one small bite at a time. Key to this conversation is letting her know she is safe to respond to these issues, as long as it is calm and respectful, in anyway she would like. That is, if your wife doesn't feel safe, that there won't be some form of physical or financial retribution for her honesty, then this is wash, won't work, may as well save your breath. Saying things like, "when we married, I thought it would be you and I starting a new life together. Now I am worried with two other adults in the house, we will feel like children trapped at home again with our parents constantly in our business." is far more effective than statements like, "you kids suck". You see the diff there Billy Bob? As I said earlier, this is not a tactic to be taken lightly, it should be well thought out, you should be well rested, in the correct frame of mind, etc. I highly recommend you write notes and use them to keep the conversation on track. Sometimes spouses will go in the opposite direction when it comes down to face to face honesty and try the age old 'make about something else' tactic and in modern society where everyone is so on-guard and out for themselves, this tactic works well. Use your notes to keep the conversation on track and be strong willed in not allowing the conversation to be re-directed. If you stay the course and stay out of the child like name calling or blame game, your wife will eventually realize you two are not children anymore and that this situation is serious and needs addressed. Lastly, once the conversation is near closure you need to let her know that if these issues are not addressed, there are consequences. (DO NOT threaten your spouse). By consequences, I mean you let her know that (Heres where being honest is tough, but hey, your already one foot in another womans arms, so, what do you have to lose?) you would consider legal separation or stay at a friends house for a month until she is willing to discuss or even better, help take action to resolve these issues WITH YOU. Never lead her to believe the problems are all her because you have played just a big a role in allowing these things to happen in your house hold. You two met as a couple, dated as a couple, married as a couple, live as a couple (Albeit, poorly) and you will *resolve issues* as a couple. See how all those statements are similar? They all have the word "couple" in them, not SHE or HE or YOU or THEY. As long as this post is and as doubtful as I am that you will read it, much less all of it, and even less that you would actually consider it, it doesn't scratch the surface of 'marital situations 101' that should be taught prior to every marriage. That all said, if you are so determined to get some strange, then what do you have to loose? No one ever sat in front of a judge and had to plead guilty to "I treated my wife like a grown adult and had an honest but tough discussion with her". No, you would just end up another sucker paying for a divorce once the wife found out and quite frankly, regardless of how big you think the halo over your head is, everyone around you knows your a cheating scum-bag who got caught justifying why he should be able to go stick is sword fish in some other woman's wahoo (Awesome salt water fishing reference if you didn't catch it, man Im good). Anyway, if you believe none of this, at a minimum, seek out a reputable marriage counselor, even if she will not go, and discuss the situation, see what they recommend. I am willing to bet the above information could save you a ton of ca$h and heart ache though. Best of luck and as they say, don't get caught with your trousers down, mate.

This is one of the lucid, hit the nail on the head no nonsense posts I have ever read. Thank you CP

you talk a lot about respect,yet you do not show it!! much like the situation this fellow and i are in!!

you have some really good points i must say!! but a very disrespectful way of communicating them!!

After reading your reply,,,you sound like an ignorant jerk to me,,,full of pride and other bs,,,you really are just making up a lot,,,makes me think you are a person who fits the bill for what this poster was talking about to begin with,,do you feel guilty about being a poor mate,,,that is how this translates to me,,,

Wow love you reply.

The heck with her, just leave. If my kids were not little, I am not sure if I would still be here either. To be honest I truly love my wife. I think about her all day long, but being refused physically is really starting to take its toll on me. I even signed up on Ashley Madison, but I just cant see doing that to her. I guess I'm just a chump.

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I feel exactly the same!. He says he hasn't got a high sex-drive yet he was ringing chat lines as soon as we come home from going out!. ( I found that out after investigation). I've gone to bed and the telly is still on with babe station still on. I feel so low, so un-loved, un wanted, desired, cherished etc etc. Before i got with him. I was so foward with men. I want to be the 1 with him to start things going but i don't know how to approach him (like he dosen't want it)!. Very ....

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I've been married for only 4 months. I work 2 jobs so my wife can stay home and raise our son. He is not biologically mine, but his real father has never wanted to be a part of his life. I gladly stepped in and have been helping my wife raise him. Since our honeymoon our sex lives have almost disappeared. She hardly tells me she loves me, never kisses me goodnight, and when I do touch her or put my arms around her she pushes me away. On top of all of this, our house is never clean, we have dishes and laundry stacked up all the time. So on my day off I usually do the laundry and dishes and clean. She says our son takes up all of her time. Really? I know he's very active, but I need help. I work 2 jobs to support us so she doesn't have to work, and she can't even do the dishes or hold me? Idk what to do. But I'm starting to get depressed and have found d myself even looking at other women. I don't think I could ever cheat, but it bothers me that it's even come to this. and in such a short time.

See my reply to Walteria above. Needs some tweaking for your version but, in short, time to sit down and have a heart to heart with Mrs Rubble before things deteriorate further. Best of luck.

if he's not yours and your not happy LEAVE! When she has to do it herself she will come crawling back. Then tell her to go to H***. She gave you all the attention you wanted until the ring was on and then she thought I have him trapped. So get your manhood and your balls back and leave.

Same here. We've been married a little over a year and it has gotten to the point where I won't see my husband except when he goes to sleep at night (and sometimes he doesn't even do that). He doesn't work, he doesn't help out around the house, we have no children, all he ever does is lock himself in the computer room all day and night for at the very least 16 hours a day (and sometimes fall asleep in there) THEN he will tell me he needs MORE "alone time". When you spend more than 16 hours a day ALONE why the hell would you need MORE alone time? Honestly there have been times where I will go months without any sort of physical contact with him, no affection, no "I love you", no attention, no sex just always nothing.
His ignoring me can last anywhere from days to weeks to months. And if I complain about it he uses that as an excuse to ignore me for even longer. He has actually promised over and over again to spend time with me he will set the date and the time and THEN when the time and date he picked comes around: NOTHING. Usually I will wait about four or five days to finally point out that he was supposed to spend time with me, he picked the day and time and then when it came around he didn't. You wanna know what that gets me? He uses that as an excuse to explain why he never spent time with me even though it was well after the day and time he picked.
When that happens it usually takes anywhere between another week up to a month for him to ever actually follow through on his promises. And by the time he finally does I am so angry and depressed from being completely ignored for so long its pointless anyways. Usually about the week mark in one of these "episodes" I get extremely depressed and spend the rest of the time crying while I wait for weeks and even months for him to FINALLY show me some sort of attention/affection. There have actually been times where I have left the house for more than 6 hours and he not even notice I left. Which only makes me feel that much worse. He honestly will show the dog more attention than he will me.
Today from the time he woke up at 11 am (he didn’t even go to bed until 5 am) until a little after 4 pm I said NOTHING to him because he complains if I even speak to him half the time. A little after 4 pm I knocked on the door to the computer room which he always keeps locked to remind him that he had to go somewhere with his friend and needed to get ready. You wanna know what he did? He screamed at me about how I have been nagging him all day and that’s why he never spends time with me and shows me no affection. After I had said absolutely NOTHING to him for over 5 HOURS. How the hell does that even make sense?!

That sounds awful. The fact he actually LOCKS himself in a room to use the computer suggests he's addicted to gambling or ****, or maybe he's chatting to other women.
I suggest you try and find out what he's doing in there, the answer maybe a clue on how to help support him or help decide what YOU need to do.

If you're in the st. Louis area please look me up. Sounds like we have a lot in common.

Your husband has an internet addiction. I know it sound funny, its still about a generation away from being a recognized 'disease' but, I lived it, I know what he's going through. You really want to see him flip? Go unplug the internet outside the house and don't tell him. I bet you $$ money he craps himself, will be the most miserable 10 seconds of your life (10 seconds because like any other addict, if the internet goes down (His addiction) he will begin to completely flake out with out his drug of choice...the net). I say that, he may only being addicted to computing or perhaps he's a programmer and they can be VERY reclusive. Again, I am not speaking out of my arse, I really have been down this road with my wife. So much so that at one point, she threatened to leave me. That was my wake up call, though, its a risky tactic, I do NOT recommend you consider that. Instead, you two need to seek help, perhaps you could work with one of his family members that are close to him or a friend. You would be surprised at the influence someone like that can have. Otherwise, you may just have to tell him point blank, sitting on the computer will not only eventually kill him, it will more immediately kill your marriage. Tell him in no less words, you two must seek counseling NOW. I DO NOT recommend you attempt to discuss his addiction, only that you two need to seek a reputable professional marriage counselor immediately. Untreated, you two will most likely not survive the addiction.

Pack your **** an leave. You are with a child not a man. He does not want a woman in his life. He is probably ************ and playing online games all day. You want to have some fun, while he is sleeping disconnect the internet and hide the damn cables. When he comes bitching, say "Oh now you want to talk to me?" Seriously move on.

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Weve always talked about anything. We've been together for 6 years. I'm not one to hold my tongue so I've mentioned to her before that I was feeling unloved. Her response last night was "I'm sorry. I know I'm like my mom!" Finally a break through. Her mother is the first mother I've ever met that's so unloving. I guess it's strange to me because my big Irish/Italian/Southern family is so overly lovable. We hug & kiss every time we see each other. My mom always played hair and my nanny still to this day curls my hair when she sits next to me. We've always supported each other & passed positive comments around just to make the others feel good but she's not like that and neither are her parents. Her family's so negative. They always find opportunity to put people down. Anyway I'm saying all this to say it's not you. I've read some of the comments too and my heart breaks for all of you. I'm with you though. I buy expensive things, I buy little thinking of you things, I leave little post it notes around the house, I plan trips and date nights, I tell her she's beautiful, and that she looks like she's losing weight, and nothing. She loves me & still intends to marry me but nothing. I get a hug & kiss maybe once a week, I get a back scratch on rare occasion when I ask. I've always been told it's the little things and always thought that was horse s***, but that's exactly what's missing. That's all I want. Little things like playing with my hair & holding my hand. Anyway she said she'd work on it, again. So I guess I'll ask God to help her work on it, again. Prayer is that only thing that has kept me from leaving. I read some of your post and see 25-30 years and think God how'd they do it for so long I don't think I can do that.

"...She loves me & still intends to marry me..." Um. Hmmm. Are you two living in not married, living in the same residence??