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Blended Blunder

10 yrs ago I got married and we started our blended family.  It ended up not blending as I thought it would, and we still have "separateness" in all we do.  I work nights (in addition to my day job), so I can have interaction.  Our kids are gone and my husband ignores me.  He sleeps and watches tv every waking moment he is not at work.  We don't eat together, sleep together, etc.  I believe in staying in a marriage.  This is tough. I'd love to get together with others that are going through his same experience

janeenfritz janeenfritz 51-55, F 5 Responses Nov 21, 2009

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Understand completely..

It is a strange feeling when you look forward to work just for human interaction.

janeenfritz: if you are an empty nest household, you and your spouse should do more together. And why do you work such punishing hours? Empty nest couples who have drifted apart as you seem to have, are at serious risk of divorce.

@janeen



Be proactive! Come up with plausible fun things to do with your husband. Maybe he feels the same way? Maybe he doesn't? Do you even know? It does not sound like there is much animosity between the two of you, or at least you did not mention it. Perhaps your husband is just not a leader. Take charge.

I married 20 years ago. When our last daughter was born, my SO threw me out of the marriage bed. 8 years on, I am still sleeping in the doghouse. This has gone on so long that my habits have evolved in a way that makes it unlikely I can ever feel right sharing a bed with her. There was a 5 year period where we had sex 3-4 times. I finally read my SO the Riot Act, telling her that her conduct fundamentally violated my understanding of what marriage was about. I demanded, and got, sex 3-4 times a month, in the form of a "conjugal visit" in the middle of the night. I would like, but don't get, sex 2-3 times a week.



We do eat together and do things together. But our child rearing styles and values have clashed in a major way. In particular, when there is a battle of wills between me and a daughter and my daughter starts screaming, my SO comes over and starts blaming me. Many times, she has tried to throw me out of the room. I have pointed out to her over and over and over that she is sending our daughters a drastically wrong message, namely that they can safely disregard my authority. She pours scorn on what I say here, even in the presence of several marriage counselors. Things reached a point that I finally withheld permission for our daughters to have passports, because my SO refuses to agree in writing that she will not use the passports for a purpose I do not approve of.



One would think that my refusing to consent to passports for our chidlren would give my SO pause, would lead her to a serious conversation with me, if only to discuss the matter with a lawyer or counselor. Well, it hasn't. She has simply accepted the matter in silence.

This strikes me as very very weird.



There has been violence. Some years ago, my sister assaulted my SO and baby daughter. My sister remains defiantly unrepentant about this. She did this in the presence of her teenage daughter, was so horrified by what her mother did that she moved in with her father the next day. Two years later, the niece in question stopped communicating with me and my SO, her uncle and aunt. A year ago, I had a long and friendly conversation with her, but only after her other dialed the call. Otherwise, complete silence.



More recently, my brother in law assaulted me in the presence of my SO and child. My SO and her sister did nothing to stop it. We went to 3 marriage counselors, and none of them was willing to grapple with this violence in any way, much less a constructive way. I have long noted that middle aged women like my spouse are assumed to be the most moral part of humanity. When a middle aged married woman, like my spouse, makes serious errors of moral judgement, and is not an alcoholic or convicted felon, nearly all of humanity goes into cognitive dissonance. Feminism has degraded to this. I am standing my ground.



6 months ago, my spouse began a conversation revealing that she assumed I was planning to divorce. I told her she was seriously mistaken. She was gobsmacked and has since been more subdued. A great deal of what she thinks she does not share with me. Her childrearing style has inched in the direction I would prefer. But our youngest daughter still occupies my place in the marriage bed.

This is a very sad marriage life