Marriage = Loneliness = Divorce?

I can relate to the part where you think once you leave him no man will love you with what you consider to be your flaws. I feel the same way. But I can tell you this I do not think you would be lonely for long because you have a beautiful soul and that's basically what every man wants, a loving and kind hearted woman. And that's you. :-)

Good grief! YOu took a page outta my book! :O

I can relate. I've been married for a long time and she is a great person (we all have our flaws) but not really interested in sex so I end up doing myself, which isn't what I long for.

wow...what a sad story. I ama 50 year old male and married for almost 20 years. I feel for you and am suprised that you even married him. Message me...maybe we can chat. don't pay attention to my profile... I am a gentle kind of guy.

WOW, I feel for you, I am mid 40 male, was married for about 10 years, last few we lived in separate rooms, we never argued or had serious issues, just were not great together, I feel that I would do anything for her but she did not want to do anything back. Finally we just move to different houses, then divorced, both happier now but I am more lonely than before.

He sounds lazy! I think you made a good decision on wanting to divorce. If he has no health problems that keeps him from working,he should helpout with everything. If he still lives with you bills free his not going anywhere. Maybe you should go stay with family or friend for awhile,let him take care of himself. I hope u find happiness!

Wow....I feel like I just read all my own feelings. That I struggle with trying to say them all. Thank you so much for speaking for me. I too am feeling this way. And so don't know what to do....desperate to figure it all out!

I'm back. Mr. got a really bad job and feel pretty screwed. Yeah, great question BBPeace. I like you guys. Your all pretty for real. Yeah, great question. Strong, confident and happy. Wow. I mean Feeling all three, not acting. That would be really nice. The question calls for a breakdown. Strong: In what ways? Confident: in what ways? Happy: In what ways? Secure. I'm not gonna be worth much commenting on my points of view here, since my job stinks. However; as for everyone else. Wow? Hum? Definitively, there is no universal answer to this one. O'k, here's a stupid answer. From time to time.

If that is your face in the picture, you are very pretty to me. I don't know what to tell you about your husband. He is who he is. He had a job to take leave from? Sounds like a decent job and it sounds like he is hurt. I'm 51. I have no idea what I have done or why I did what I have done for the last 34 years. The problem with marriage is that lives can get intertwined. Then when a marriage ends, things get messy. Isn't there anything that you can think of that he has done for you? Doesn't he help with what he has strengths in? Maybe; he needed your strengths to round out his strengths and weaknesses? For me; in my marriage, my wife has it so much more together than me. She has a strong family, a good job, and she is very disappointed in me. I have spent the last 30 years of my life, working in a roofing business, that I own, that never ever gets out of the red. I've given everything, but I don't have reliable, predictable income, benefits, or vacation pay. I'm a hard working dumb bell. In my defense; I worked hard as my wife worked for her degree. I never keep track when I give; and I have given everything and more. She has not given more than me in the monetary sense. She never would. What's mine is hers and what's hers is hers. We have disappointed each other in so many ways. So now I'm 51. I'm still strong, but wqith the economy in the mud, the last few years have been tough. That doesn't mean that we slowed down though. Last year; we sided the house, re-did the hardwood floors, remodeled four bedrooms and the living room, fixed the insulation and duct work in the attic, put a floor in the above garage storage, went on a few vacations and bought new cars. This year; I had 13,000.00 in December, I gave it to her. I can account for 5000.00 of it, but the rest just vanished. About a year and a half ago, I gave her 60,000.00 lump sum. This is after paying a 2000.00/mth mortgage and helping with a lot of other things like buying a new washer dryer, a new snow blower, She bought a new 1,300.00 bicycle. Anyway; it goes on like this. Still when it is winter and the 9000.00 goes unaccounted for, I am still made to feel like a loser. She makes 65,000.00/year. I have a check comming soon. I will catch up. The thing is, I would have helped her. The years; three of them before the last two. I gave her an extra 10,000.00/ year after I paid the mortgage and bought groceries and put a roof with new sheathing on the house that I got my half of the closing on (her parents gave her; her half.) I've tried; there is so much more. So, my point is-I'm a dumb ***. There is so much more. My only wish is that she could slow down, give me a chance to make good away from the horrors of being a roofing contractor. Just be kind and considerate enough to hold off on the addition she wants or something else and let me find a place where I'm not scurrying around like a rat to survive. My kids have seen it, but with some people, you just lose. So, with a little luck and some help from higher powers, I will find my way. I can't help but wonder though. How messed up am I?

I was/ am in that position as well. But mine is worse. Exactly as you said, being responsible financially and all other decisions except all the ones he'd make on his own that were big F*** -ups I'd have to fix.
Our sex life was strained for that reason, I couldn't share my body with him, Cause every time I would, he'd come clean about some other way he sunk our ship. Sometimes he'd try to force himself on me while I was sleeping. And that only disgusted me more.
I did the worse thing I could do. I went to an online chat.
I was lonely. I just wanted to feel like I mattered.
At first I never told anyone who I Truly was. Just went on to hang out in Public rooms to chat about regular stuff to escape my depression. Until I met a guy that I fell deeply for.
I know..... this was bad.
I cheated emotionally with him. I feel very guilty. But this person made me feel special, all the things my husband did not. Telling me how he would treat me if I were his....etc... All the things a woman would want to hear.
I tried to talk to my husband before things got this point to fix things, stop messing up.
I know Money isn't everything, but I feel like my hard work wasn't valued. And I feel Robbed.
I disrespected him now too, and disrespected myself to get into this mess, and by doing what I did.
Part of me still has feelings for this other guy. Even though we don't really talk anymore.
My Husband found out about him, and said he would forgive me for it, but part of me doesn't want him to. We made deals that i wouldn't talk online, if he did things to fix his situation. He failed so I let myself fail because I was so Angry.
I feel like we were already over a long time ago. When he decided other people / things were more important than me and his kids, (he made huge financial decisions to help his "friends" and his business), and when I selfishly cheated.

I too am in a similar situation. Sexless marriage, sleep in seperate rooms. Been married 25 yrs, kids are grown up too. Now is the time marriage and being happy should be on "Cruise control!! She had drained the savings account, I never cheated on her. What a mess. Any suggestions... Girl??

Wow can I relate! I'm in a similar situation. He is on the couch until we can afford to separate. He still wants to make it work...but its too late. I'm done. I'm tired of always being the one to bail us out. Thanks for sharing this.

dear wickedties...I think I can feel through you...you love him and you still do but you have grown more mature and he still remains as a little child! you love him yet have to leave him for him to grow....more ambitious , more drive...more naughty and adventurous and yet still loving towards you...caught hold of you and playfully spank you and hold you tight and said...don't worry I'll take care of the bills! Since you're going on a movie date enjoy yourself and encourage him to grow by praising what you like...I sense HOPE!

wonder how you fall for him in the first place...Ifeel you really put in a lot of effort to make things work.too much like mum...Ifeel you are a kind person but you just can't get thru to him...wellit takes 2 to make relations work...perhaps you can try one more time with his participation...before quitting!

Well from your pic I don't think you'll have a prob finding someone else but people can change if they try but doesn't sound like your marriage can ever be repaired but who knows maybe I'm wrong

Sorry...but I think you are right. This one is over. Keep the good you see in him and move on. :( I know easier said then done.

I know exactly how you are feeling right now, dear. I'm bungee-jumping with too long a cord in my relationship, and every time I hit bottom I would try to find some way to fill the hole in my heart, trying to use chocolate as an antidepressant, cigarettes for a mood stabilizer, alcohol as a sleep inducer... all of which had only fleeting benefits and long-term consequences. Now I bounce back and forth between thinking things will work and being so lonely I want out so bad, but who the hell would ever want to be with a fat, middle-aged smoking nerd? (at least I wasn't stupid enough to keep up the bedtime brandy, I'm not programmed to enjoy drinking thank goodness) It's resonating with the feeling of being unlovable caused by the abuse and neglect I've been through. I hope you are wiser and decide to make the break, I hope you're wiser than me and decide the sharp pain is fleeting but will eventually become the cure. I hope you read my words and see there are men around who are learning the same wisdom you are and they would be honored to share a healthy relationship with you.

You do have the right, and I hope you have the strength - to forgive him in his repentance, but still strong enough to deliver the consequences. I see you know he has regret but are also wise enough to see he will never learn. I wish I were that strong...

Hello, after reading I felt like sharing my point of view. Through out your feelings is the way to identify what is working and what is not... Obviously feeling depress and crying a lot is not what I like to do myself I would rather be happy and filled with love.
If you can't have those feelings of happiness and love around him is normal to disengage from the relationship.
My question to you is this "When was the time in your life when you felt strong, confident and happy?

"his actions just speak so much louder then his words"...May I say that your words echo exactly what my father taught me...They are so True! There is a book I have never read but I believe it is called, "Love is never enough". I am married to a woman that is acting and has acted consistently the same way as your husband...almost to a tee, for years now. I wonder why I stay! I got frustrated enough to actually look deeper into things and discover that people with behaviors such as yours (husband) and mine may suffer from ..hold your breath...ADHD or ADD. No I never believed in this CRAP, pardon, but it certainly seems to apply. Check it out if you care. Things go in one ear and out the other. It's as though they are literally only half- listening. Nothing gets done by them!! We discussed it (ADHD)but nothing has changed as ADDers' have LOUSY, TERRIBLE, follow-up skills. I have harranged, yelled, begged and pleaded, asked nicely, been sweet as pie and NOTHING, I mean NOTHING ever changes, or gets done...I do not believe it will either. Likewise I feel like a "daddy" I.E., I do meals, she agreed to do dishes: they will sit there dirty all week! Promises, promises. like the damn song...

Even when things fall apart, there seems to be no genuine concern about life in general, just more damn TV or video games. I get NO help whatsoever. We(I) had a business and all kinds of promises were made and it took two to make it work. Well,it fell apart largely because of her not helping. Enough with that stuff. I have a biology degree and vast knowledge of nutrition. Their brain ain't workin' right honey..that is what I believe! Not a whole lot goin on up there which is why she needs her damn TV so much to STIMULATE the mind! Were all alone! They may not hear us at all. We bore them. I get bored. We have no kids and I love her but I am so, so, so tired, damn tired of the excuses and being bored and lonely and doing everything that needs doing. I love to talk, hell all night long. Life is fascinating, but not for her. ADD is very rare in women. ADDer's: not all of them talk a lot. His excuses may be real but unless he is FIXED upstairs you won't get anywhere. You may need to push hard to get him in for a diagnosis. I never really believed in the existence of ADD or ADHD but my wife definitely exhibits SOMETHING like it. She agreed to start taking nutritional supplements but I don't see a huge change. Literally the ADHD brain is functioning at almost a sleep level. If she took stimulants she might be normal but she doesn't think she has a problem. Hyperactivity is not always a part of the problem. Lack of motivation is indeed a part of it. I feel I am a damn smart person and I am wasting my life on someone that may not appreciate me or even really care that I am there, let me say that so I feel better. So familiar huh?Love is not enough and by GOD if they give a damn they will Love, Honor and Respect us and each other. There is a lot to those words! Marriage takes cooperation at a minimum. Your husband may be genuine in his concern but obviously his actions do not show it just as mine. It seems as though they can be almost cruel with their apathy. I guess if I had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend like this I would tell her to leave him so why can't I look at it from my perspective and tell myself to do the same thing? Check out the ADD stuff. This must be why guys need to watch football: it stimulates their mind by acting on it like speed. Coffee is supposed to work too. I feel like a martyr. I hope this gave you some insight . thanks, John

Marriage is a hard thing to deal with even when everything goes well. Sometimes I'm not sure if its worth the effort! I would love to believe there is a soul-mate for us all. However, it seems that we just settle for what we get until we make ourselves so unhappy that we divorce or worse. The way I see it is that often we hear what the other person says but we translate through our own varied experiences which makes everything mean something else to each person. Damned hard way to communicate!

Wow, sounds like I could have written this story myself only I am 61 and have been married for 40 years,the last 10 have been really bad. Atleast you have a good job and can support yourself. I was a stay at home mom for most of my marraige and the few skills I do have are outdated so I am having a difficult time finding a job. Its very very hard and although I try to be optimistic I find myself going through periods of deep depression and crying spells. I try to stay busy but sometimes feel like a real failure,he doesn't seem to care much its all about him. I hope you persevere and find happiness,joy and peace.

He must have gone further and further into depression and a serious feeling of being a loser. He may have felt you weren,t supportive...while you felt you did everything you could. At one point or another the reality hits you: there's no sexual chemistry there any longer, the tie that binds beyond any other consideration, and it's time for both to go their seprate ways, because people change, because life changes us...

Wow sounds like you got the cream of the crop of losers but why have you waited so long to leave him! What is with him taking a leave of work now is that just to make things harder on you and to delay you leaving longer? I think i would look for ways to sell that house and cut all ties with this *** and move on to find a better life for yourself cause you deserve a whole lot better then what you have had! Don't stay much longer and let him suck what life you have left out of you and don't let your fears hold you back leaving has to be a whole lot better than staying!

I am so feeling not alone...I have been in that kind of circle so long...I am taking depression pills.. I do not know hwat to do either..just eveyday, week,month..then a years..been 5 years...if I were you, will do right away for your own sake...life goes on and have to enjoy every minute of it...

Good luck. I hope u find ur happiness!!

I was on the other side, my gf has been alone/depressed for so many years,she didn`t even know what she was doing "wrong", she was thinking like a single person, whilst declaring undying love for Me !! I got mad, I got insecure, nothing mattered `til I created a scene, in public !! She dumped me !!!

For 4 days,I got drunk, and wondered!!!Then fate took a part, I saw her ,out and about, so, I decided to ask her the 411.We made up, she now admits, She has a problem,and is going to try and fix it. It`s not ALL her, I should`ve been more patient, but, I`m glad We`re here now.

IF IT`S WORTH IT....FIX IT. xx

If not, happy hunting, we ALL need someone!!!

Don't be afraid at all and trust me there is a person out there for everyone. You deserve something better someone that helps you out, appreciates you, and loves you. I believe that you are a strong independent women with a lot to give so don't stay with someone that only takes away from you and doesn't even says thank you. STOP crying and put a smile on you're face and when you wake up feeling down look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are and say it to you're self over and over again and when you look at him smile instead of feeling bad smile because if it wouldn't have been for you god knows where he would of end up

You ARE beautiful.

I'm so sorry. I hope you can find happiness...



My thoughts and hopes are going out to you.

I understand where you are coming from, I have been married over 25 years, I got married very young (and no, I was not pregnant). I was so in love with him, he was my world, even after having two children with him and putting up with all of his crap I didnt' realize how bad it was until after I was almost due with out third child. He told me at one point that if I left him he would quit his job and not support our children. I say now that I stayed for that reason, I don't know if it was that or that I just didn't want to be without him. Since then he has done things that I cannot forgive, I have lost all respect for him. He is the most selfish person I have ever met, I do not even want to think about him touching me, the last time he did he violated me in the worst way and I told him then he will not touch me again. I spend every day wondering when I am finally going to be strong enough to file papers...