Marriage = Loneliness = Divorce?
He is a great man, kind, easy going, funny, intelligent but I do not respect him, I am not in love him nor do I want be intimate with him. We haven't been together intimately since Aug 19/2008. It was his birthday and well, I felt guilty. And prior to that, we had sex maybe 3 times a year for 5 years.
There are things he has done that have just made me see him in a different light, he constantly made life altering decisions without even bothering to discuss with me. I would find out by accident or by "nagging" asking questions. And when there were financial troubles he never did anything to fix them, it was always me, working extra jobs, begging to borrow money from my folks...which ripped out a piece of my soul each time I had to do it and he did not seem to care or even notice.
There was never any effort made on his part, he always picks the road of least resistance. I always had to take on the dominate role in every aspect, from house fix it gal to sex. Everything became a struggle and one day, I just blew up! And it just clicked!!!
I felt like I was his mother and he was my son.....he never cared, not enough to do anything to make it better anyway. He would just ignore my concerns/ my feelings and wait for me to forget. I realized that I was so busy looking after his needs that I forgot about mine.
So, now we live together in seperate rooms, uncomfortable as hell, but neither of us can afford to move until we sell our home. He has decided to go on leave from work, again not telling me until I notice he's home and I ask question after question. So even though we are divorcing, I get to pay for everything...yet again! And he doesn't seem to care.
Now he has apologized to me and says he has taken me for granted which I do respect him for saying but...it's just too late and his actions just speak so much louder then his words.
I would like to end on a positive note with him, but I feel myself becoming depressed being around him.....I am becoming resentful, and I do not like that feeling! And I cry a lot again, and hide in my room.... I was feeling so good about my decision and now I wonder what have I done and can I ever truly be happy the way I want to be? Can I have all that I want and need in someone or am I just being selfish? And then, there is the fear that no one will want me, there will not be a man out there who will except all my flaws and love me, who will find me beautiful and not care that my body is not perfect, far from it. Am I to be lonely all my life, whether I am with him or not? And honestly, that thought scares me more then I can possibly express.
Wow, I thought I had gotten stronger lately, obvisously I am wrong.