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Marriage = Loneliness = Divorce?

 
He is a great man, kind, easy going, funny, intelligent but I do not respect him, I am not in love him nor do I want be intimate with him. We haven't been together intimately since Aug 19/2008. It was his birthday and well, I felt guilty. And prior to that, we had sex maybe 3 times a year for 5 years.

There are things he has done that have just made me see him in a different light, he constantly made life altering decisions without even bothering to discuss with me. I would find out by accident or by "nagging" asking questions. And when there were financial troubles he never did anything to fix them, it was always me, working extra jobs, begging to borrow money from my folks...which ripped out a piece of my soul each time I had to do it and he did not seem to care or even notice.

There was never any effort made on his part, he always picks the road of least resistance. I always had to take on the dominate role in every aspect, from house fix it gal to sex. Everything became a struggle and one day, I just blew up! And it just clicked!!!

I felt like I was his mother and he was my son.....he never cared, not enough to do anything to make it better anyway. He would just ignore my concerns/ my feelings and wait for me to forget. I realized that I was so busy looking after his needs that I forgot about mine.

So, now we live together in seperate rooms, uncomfortable as hell, but neither of us can afford to move until we sell our home. He has decided to go on leave from work, again not telling me until I notice he's home and I ask question after question. So even though we are divorcing, I get to pay for everything...yet again! And he doesn't seem to care.

Now he has apologized to me and says he has taken me for granted which I do respect him for saying but...it's just too late and his actions just speak so much louder then his words.

I would like to end on a positive note with him, but I feel myself becoming depressed being around him.....I am becoming resentful, and I do not like that feeling! And I cry a lot again, and hide in my room.... I was feeling so good about my decision and now I wonder what have I done and can I ever truly be happy the way I want to be? Can I have all that I want and need in someone or am I just being selfish? And then, there is the fear that no one will want me, there will not be a man out there who will except all my flaws and love me, who will find me beautiful and not care that my body is not perfect, far from it. Am I to be lonely all my life, whether I am with him or not? And honestly, that thought scares me more then I can possibly express.


Wow, I thought I had gotten stronger lately, obvisously I am wrong.

wickedties wickedties 41-45, F 78 Responses Jan 12, 2010

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why not give him a break and yourself too.there is still much life ahead of both of you ,so u dont have to endure him any longer or is he tying u down.

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Im a male 23 and lonely as well. Maybe i can help with your problem. Lets chat

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Add a response? What would I responding to?

I am sorry your husband turned out to be such a dissapointment. I think that the most important thing to learn is that life goes on without relationships. Even if you never find someone perfect for you, i am sure you will, life is still a beautiful thing. You dont have to find someone perfect, it is okay to take your time searching, and a big part of why there are so many unhappy relationships is that people hook up under obligation, they see it as important, they see life without a relationship as a failure, which is rubbish.

PointlessLITTLEman...thank you for your comments; and you are right, one does not need to be in a relationship to be happy. Nor do people need to settle nor should they! While I do not believe that there are perfect people out there, I do believe, if you are lucky, you can find someone who is perfect for you, in the sense that their weaknesses become your strengths and visa versa. We both have flaws, yet we see them, accept them and love each other despite them.
As for my husband, I don't regret our time together, I loved him, I always will. I would not say he disappointed me, perhaps some of his choices were disapointing and certainly, the fact we grew apart is disappointing but I would not say ' he was disappointing'.....

Thank you again for your comments.

Thank you so much for sharing. Just reading your story make me feel someone else knows. I'm 42 with 5 kids. No career and no friends (my husband was my world). Now I live in my daughters room. I told my husband last night that I deserve to be told I'm loved and even told that they (someone) is lucky to have me, and will be some day. I believe you will be too

Hello Burnley5,
I can't always sort out to whom a reply is meant. EP seems to get them in a funny order, But, if your reply was for me, I hope that what I said was some sort of help.
Peter xx

Burnley5.....YES you do deserve to be told you are loved and wanted and desired and respected and important....sadly it is the people who we are closest to who seem to forget to say those things; and to whom no longer value us as they once did instead we are taken for granted.

May I ask what your husband said when you told him that you deserve to be told you are loved?

Can I suggest something? Go do something for you...take a walk, grab a book, go to the park, join some clubs, do volunteer work but do something YOU enjoy for you!! Find your own identity....people take us for granted because we are always there for them and in turn we somehow lose ourselves . You need to find yourself again. Let him take care of the 5 children, go back to school even if its just a night class. Just do something that will allow you to feel good about yourself, that will allow you to make your own friends.

I know it is scarey, and most likely very overwhelming but you need to make yourself feel loved - do you understand?? Once they see how strong you really are, how they may not be your first priority anymore, they tend to realize what it is they may be missing out on.

I wish you luck and happiness....and please, dont hesitate to message me if you want a friend!!

It is good to move forward even in the face of dispair, i hope things work out for you. I am sure they will. If you would ever like to talk about anything than pm me, that goes for anybody who reads this really.

Thank you for this. I had been with my boyfriend for 8 years and i dont have any connections with him. I'm also resentful for everything Ive done with my life. Im 29 and going back to school full time and there's no way i can move out. Im also scared if anyone would accept me! Tough world! Take care.

Qazwsx100...first, someone most definitely would want you! So don't let that make your decision. You have to make yourself happy- if decide leaving is best for your happiness then do so; stay with a friend, find a roommate....sweetie you can do it!! You can find a way. But you have to truly want that and be ready for all the emotions and hard times that may come. Best of luck!

I liked reading this one. It good to know that you have moved on .

I have a very nice husband too but there are things we dont seem to do things on the same level . I really feel a need to talk this out with a councelor becuase I am starting to get annoyed with him when it comes to doing a project together around the house. I am passive aggresive and when I am mad I tend to do things that will annoy him too.

iaKogami....thank you for your comment and for sharing. *smiles*
I cant reccommend enough how beneficial it is to speak to a therapist. It has helped me considerably. I do not know where you reside but here in Canada there are a large number of groups that provide free counselling services for women; please check them out!!

Now further to that, the fact you know you are a passive aggressive is a great start....the therapist would help you to deal with and come up with some better, more productive use of that character.

For myself, my husband was only interested in computers, gaming systems and tv....he never wanted to do anything I wanted and when he gave in, he was miserable and complained which only started a spiral response from me; guilt, anger, indifference and finally resentfulness. We slowly lost any interest or willingness to even try to do things together....which is very sad because I so enjoyed being with him.

Anyway, look into therapy....good luck Sweetie!!

Baby,
Oh, I am sorry.
I'm a much older married guy in Uk.
Really, I am hoping for a local gf and lover.
why not have a look at my profile and, if you like what you read, msg me.
Peter xx

OldPeteLuvzGrlz...thank you for the comment and the sentiment. *smiles*

Thank you wickedties for being so generous to me when I had hardly said anything.
All I can say is that I am very genuine, a very flawed human being and find myself in 2 parts on EP.
One part of me is thoroughly Christian and I will tell anybody about Jesus Christ, if they care to listen.
The other part of me the outside world, not knowing, and not wanting to know, the pain I have gone through in my career, will simply brand me as a hypocrite. You will understand why, if you look at my profile !!
I am prepared to take that from a "world" that is even more hypocritical. But Jesus Christ knows all my pain and He knows all yours, too. I don't want to push this, if you simply aren't interested, but I have found that many people, who are not interested in christianity or "churchianity" are interested in Jesus Christ.
We all have a particular set of strengths and weaknesses, and we can all, if we so choose, use our strengths to help others.
I know that, despite my deep, despite the fact that my wife, whom I love, doesn't understand certain vital aspects of me, and that is part of the pain, I know that I am one of the most fortunate human being that has ever lived. And when I think of the sufferings of many, right now, such as Syrians, North Koreans and so many more, my sufferings are as nothing.
But my profile is true to me.
Any of you, chat to me privately, if you feel I can help with your pain and you loneliness and your sense of deep loss.
Peter x

I feel your pain. Only the shoe is on the other foot and it's not quite the same. I do respect her. She's brilliant. She's caring. She is NOT sexual at all. That didn't used to be the case either. We've been married almost 25 years. Way before our 10th anniversary she began having less and less sex with me. One year I tracked on the calendar how many times we had sex. It ended up being once every 3 months.
I confronted her with it numerous times. We had discussions and arguments to no avail. Well after long while of this continued sexual abhorrence I fell. I had an affair if you will. I had sex with someone else. She found out. Now she is in this where are you where have you been control frame of mind. It's driving me crazy. She continually asks me what I'm looking at on the computer. I have to show her my computer screen.
I recently bought a new windows 8 touchscreen computer and I swipe the screen to change pages of things I'm reading, news, the market, games, etc. She doesn't trust me so much now that she thinks when she walks into the room and I swipe the screen I'm looking at something "I shouldn't be looking at".
I found a cell phone in the parking lot a couple of weeks ago. It looks to have been one of those "burn" phones. I had it in my pocket because I forgot to turn it in and she immediately assumed I had this phone and even accused me of putting a "new security code" on it. That was absurd of course.
So now after almost 25 years of marriage and building a financial security blanket with her, I'm about to toss it all away.

JLexington....I sadly know this situation all too well, except the 25 yrs marriage part. I can understand your point but I also understand her doubts all too well.

Perhaps you have read some of other stories...but one is about the guy I opened my heart to who turned around a cheated on me. Go check it out....I dont want to lecture you, you are a grown man, you must know how much your cheating hurt your wife.

But can I say one thing?? In her eyes, she is saying to herself " I spent 25 yrs being by his side, building a marriage and financial security and he was willing to throw it all away over some **** just b/c he wasn't getting enough""

That being said, I do understand your frustration in always having to explain and deal with her mistrust....it is hard to have a relationaship and always have to explain yourself and deal with her insecurities. Eventually I am sure it just becomes too much and you think about walking away yet I wonder, if you sat and thought about what & how your actions of the affair may have impacted the trust you spent 25 yrs building, the emotions and feelings of worthlessness that your wife is most likely feeling, perhaps, just maybe you might not want to throw away your marriage.

I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing.

Go for your personal happiness. Don't expect any person man or woman to make you happy, that is your responsibility to yourself. Your pain comes from all the things you have denied yourself in an attempt to have this relationship. You have given it your all now you have nothing. (I speak from experience:)) Focus on you, because you can only change yourself. Lastly leave all the other junk alone, because it will make you crazy. Treat your husband with all the kindness and respect you would any human being just know he can't give you what you need, and start preparing for the imminent separation. Accept your reality....he doesn't have it in him to give you what you need, not a crime but don't waste anymore of your life trying to change him. Go GIRL DO IT FOR YOU!!!!!

Sherrygee...thank you for your very encouraging comments! And you are right...I need to focus on me, find what makes me happy.

I will be honest, I still see my husband every month or two, we catch up over dinner or a movie and I always have a great time with him as a friend....he seems happy and that helps me know the decision was the right one all in all. Some people say I am silly getting together with him, but for me, we spent over 18 yrs together, he played a big part in my life, how do I simply throw his friendship away?? I cant.

Thank you again for your comments!!

I am total agree with you. The last time I made love to my wife, it was trying to mount a pig and the experience was less than satisfying. Self respect should dictate staying in shape but also caring how your mate views you and cares about you. When you don't get positive reinforcement in any experience, there is less desire to repeat the performance.

I'm sure a pig would have squealed better...

Charlieeasy.....I am curious, do you care about how your wife/mate views you?? Maybe she thinks the same thing about you, that part about mounting a pig that is. Just a thought.

Relationships are a two way streak....you want respect, you have to give it back. You want one to care about you & your feelings, you need to care about theirs. Your comment makes me think you dont give her respect or care, so I ask, why should she care about yours???

I hate to say this, but men lose interest in women that mother them and who are not physically fit. If you take care of yourself and look good there will always be men who will be interested in you. Body and soul.

Societyhaschanged....while I agree one should take care of themselves, I do not feel being physically fit is the be-it-all. And frankly, if my mate is loses interest in me b/c I gained some weight and no longer meet his 'physically fit' criteria then he is not a man of any worth in my eyes.

Further that, I do agree, men dont want to be mothered....so I then say, dont act like a selfish little boy and we, women, wouldn't be 'mothering' you.

Thank you for your comment.

Wow, this was posted about 3 years ago. So how is your life now. I am in a "deadend" relationship also and don't really know what to do about it. There is so much resentment and hurt and really have no desire to try to fix the relationship. No sex for 7 years and have no desire to have it with this woman. We tolerate one another but I feel cheated out of having a love experience with someone else, and that show in my marriage.

I am curious to know the rest of the story. If you would be so inclined, what happened after you wrote this. Did you just get divorced and go on with your life or did you forgive him and make it a better marriage?

Charlieeasy...my life is good, we sold our home and now live seperate lives. We remain friends, getting together every month or two. He seems happy and I am too. We are not divorced but have split assets fairly and have lived seperately for just short of 2 years.

I am sorry to hear of your relationship....but if you really do not want to fix the relationship, why be in it? why pretend?? Go be happy and let her try and find happiness.....but that being said, do it with some respect, you loved her once and she, you.

I hope you find happiness...good luck.

My marriage has been very lonley for last year and a half. It started after my sons birth and now we live in seperate rooms. My son has special needs and we have dealt with it in different ways. My husband is a good dad but in denial and beats me up emotionally about not being able to put in enough hours and money when I pressure him to spend more time with our sons therapies. It's been hard and scary to go through and manage my sons disability alone. I am expecting another baby. We didn't know the extent of our sons disability when I became pregnant. Now he travels often, comes home spends time with our son and retreats to another room after he is asleep. He won't talk to me or have conversations, ever. He has totally shut me out emotionally. I'm very much alone and can't depend on him for any emotional support. I'm so lonley that I think about joining online groups just to have someone to talk to. I'm a SAHM and my family is estranged since my sons disability. Sometimes I wish I could find a man online just to talk to me for an hour a day. No more.

Esherwin....first, thank you for opening up and sharing with me!! I am sorry that your husband has choosen to deal with the reality of your sons special needs. Unfortunately, it is common for one parent to become closed off while the other struggles to not only deal with reality but with their partners distancing.
It is a difficult situation and I am sorry to hear you are having to deal with that.

Now, your husbands emotional abus is unacceptable and he needs to realize that ASAP-

Continuation.....
In his defense, he most likely 'beata himself up' two fold! Now that doesn't justify his behaviour, not at all, but perhaps it brings some insight.

You need to find yourself a support group for parents dealing with special needs children- there are many out there. Further to that, there are many more resources and government assistance for parents of special needs now than when I was in the field ( yes, my background is special needs education- worked within the school system and private organizations for over 12 yrs). Take advantage of all there is out there- get on a respite list-

Join support groups...check online for organizations that offer educational services for parents. You need to focus on YOU and your SON....give dad a little time to sit back and realize what he does have.

I wish you luck and if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me!!

Oh, and finding a 'man to talk to for just an hour', while I understand that need, Sweetie, in the end, you are creating a can a worms you may not be able to close!! Be careful with that!

Sounds like my guy. You are lucky to be able to move on in life. Trust me, its not worth it to hang on with such people. Good luck.

Redladybird64, thank you for the comment. And yes, in the end, had I stayed in that situation I think we have grown to resent and hate each other- I couldn't let that happen. Further to that, I think we both would have made some choices that would/could hurt each other to the point there was no way to be happy.
Good luck to you too!!

It's like reading about my marriage, I know the feeling. Hope you can set free soon. Don't worry about finding someone or not. Robin Williams said. "People is afraid of being lonely but the true fear should be ending up with someone that makes you feel alone."

Icryalot...thank you for your kind words. Both him and I have moved on, yet we remain friends. It was hard to move on and at times I questioned my decisions; wondering if I had truly tried or perhaps just given up but in the end, I KNEW it was the right thing for both of us.

And I agree, you cannot focus on "not being alone" you must focus on your own happiness with oneself otherwise you are set to feel the same loneliness etc.

May I ask where your marriage stands?? How are you??

Good grief! YOu took a page outta my book! :O

Well Emerald, I am sorry to hear that. May I ask where are you currently in your book?? In essence, how are you doing?

Not in love like you should be with a mate. But we are compatible... when I don't resent his actions or deeds. I too pay the bills. Self-employed construction in our town isn't in big demand. And hubby won't expand locations. And now my job is in jeopardy due to employer's age, so I have added stress of: What happens the day there is NO income coming into home. We are held together by a son that truly needs both his parents. Divorce is expensive, and our attitudes are not explosive to each other... yet. If there was a divorce, our son is at an age that I could see his Daddy turning his young impressionable mind into believing the "leaving" was all my fault. Children at this age don't understand everything, therefore take it at face value. Me leaving or pushing Daddy out the door equals kid hating me plum into adulthood. Then hubby does something nice or great and I think: Dern, am I REALLY the b****?? Two days later... fit hits the shan again! :/

WOW, I feel for you, I am mid 40 male, was married for about 10 years, last few we lived in separate rooms, we never argued or had serious issues, just were not great together, I feel that I would do anything for her but she did not want to do anything back. Finally we just move to different houses, then divorced, both happier now but I am more lonely than before.

Want2tryit45, thank you for sharing. I am sorry you have gone through a similar thing and of course, that you are feeling lonely.
When I think about it, I too am lonely at times; I wonder 'did I do the right thing?', 'was it really all that bad?' and the conclusion, I did do the right thing for we would both over time become resentful and perhaps go down a path that would hurt us both even more. Instead we are at a point were we can be friends and remember the times we shared with the fondness we should after 18+ yrs. So...while I am lonely at times, I am happy.
I am around if you want to chat sometime...

While we are no longer together, I do miss her, but sometimes we meet for dinner or something and 5 mins into it I am like, OMG its time to go, then a few months later I think, "maybe one day we will get married again"

My ex and I get together ever so often; movie or dinner. I miss him at times- he is a good man,intelligent and has a great sense of humour. Sometimes I think about all of that and wonder WTF?, and what if....but the reality is, neither of us were truly happy. He has great qualities ...and he will be a great bf/hubby for another woman, but for me, he is a great friend. Going back to our marriage would only lead to more heartbreak. It would be out of a sense of familarity and loneliness vs what a relationship and marriage should be about.

He sounds lazy! I think you made a good decision on wanting to divorce. If he has no health problems that keeps him from working,he should helpout with everything. If he still lives with you bills free his not going anywhere. Maybe you should go stay with family or friend for awhile,let him take care of himself. I hope u find happiness!

Lonelybutinlove07, we live seperately now. He grew up very differently than myself therefore we have different outlooks on life and how one goes about challenages. He has always been taken care; things just fall in his lap or at least thats what hes waiting for. I however know things don't work that way...I do have a take charge personality yet I enjoy someone taking care of me once in a while and that is simply was not a dynamic in my marriage.
That being said, he is a good man, we just
Grew apart....

You sound like a very good woman, I hope you find someone that will make you feel like his Queen. I have a good man,I think that's why I am still in the marriage. We have been together since I was 18 and now I am 36 we have 4 kids.Struggling financially has been the hardest thing on our marriage. Without God I don't think my marriage would last,

Wow....I feel like I just read all my own feelings. That I struggle with trying to say them all. Thank you so much for speaking for me. I too am feeling this way. And so don't know what to do....desperate to figure it all out!

Dohdoh40, sorry to hear you are feeling the same things I was; not a great place to be, kind of in limbo, wondering and confused, hurt and angry. I wish you happiness and all the strength to do what is right for you.

I'm back. Mr. got a really bad job and feel pretty screwed. Yeah, great question BBPeace. I like you guys. Your all pretty for real. Yeah, great question. Strong, confident and happy. Wow. I mean Feeling all three, not acting. That would be really nice. The question calls for a breakdown. Strong: In what ways? Confident: in what ways? Happy: In what ways? Secure. I'm not gonna be worth much commenting on my points of view here, since my job stinks. However; as for everyone else. Wow? Hum? Definitively, there is no universal answer to this one. O'k, here's a stupid answer. From time to time.

If that is your face in the picture, you are very pretty to me. I don't know what to tell you about your husband. He is who he is. He had a job to take leave from? Sounds like a decent job and it sounds like he is hurt. I'm 51. I have no idea what I have done or why I did what I have done for the last 34 years. The problem with marriage is that lives can get intertwined. Then when a marriage ends, things get messy. Isn't there anything that you can think of that he has done for you? Doesn't he help with what he has strengths in? Maybe; he needed your strengths to round out his strengths and weaknesses? For me; in my marriage, my wife has it so much more together than me. She has a strong family, a good job, and she is very disappointed in me. I have spent the last 30 years of my life, working in a roofing business, that I own, that never ever gets out of the red. I've given everything, but I don't have reliable, predictable income, benefits, or vacation pay. I'm a hard working dumb bell. In my defense; I worked hard as my wife worked for her degree. I never keep track when I give; and I have given everything and more. She has not given more than me in the monetary sense. She never would. What's mine is hers and what's hers is hers. We have disappointed each other in so many ways. So now I'm 51. I'm still strong, but wqith the economy in the mud, the last few years have been tough. That doesn't mean that we slowed down though. Last year; we sided the house, re-did the hardwood floors, remodeled four bedrooms and the living room, fixed the insulation and duct work in the attic, put a floor in the above garage storage, went on a few vacations and bought new cars. This year; I had 13,000.00 in December, I gave it to her. I can account for 5000.00 of it, but the rest just vanished. About a year and a half ago, I gave her 60,000.00 lump sum. This is after paying a 2000.00/mth mortgage and helping with a lot of other things like buying a new washer dryer, a new snow blower, She bought a new 1,300.00 bicycle. Anyway; it goes on like this. Still when it is winter and the 9000.00 goes unaccounted for, I am still made to feel like a loser. She makes 65,000.00/year. I have a check comming soon. I will catch up. The thing is, I would have helped her. The years; three of them before the last two. I gave her an extra 10,000.00/ year after I paid the mortgage and bought groceries and put a roof with new sheathing on the house that I got my half of the closing on (her parents gave her; her half.) I've tried; there is so much more. So, my point is-I'm a dumb ***. There is so much more. My only wish is that she could slow down, give me a chance to make good away from the horrors of being a roofing contractor. Just be kind and considerate enough to hold off on the addition she wants or something else and let me find a place where I'm not scurrying around like a rat to survive. My kids have seen it, but with some people, you just lose. So, with a little luck and some help from higher powers, I will find my way. I can't help but wonder though. How messed up am I?

Scotex....first thank you for sharing!
After reading your comments all I can say is STOP giving her money...open your own account, deposit your cheque there and when she asks for money tell her to give you all the details and who to make the cheque out to. Tell her you are taking on more responsibility and that its not fair she has to do it all....she will stand back and be a bit confused, maybe upset, but it would better for you to take more initative. She does sound as if she may take advantage of your giving ways and is well, selfish in what she wants and perhaps even has a time clock going as to when she wants it done by.
You need to take control of your money/fiances before you (or her) run yourself into the ground and you both end up resenting each other.
Money sadly does play a major role in the breaking up of many very healthy relationships.

Be strong!!

I was/ am in that position as well. But mine is worse. Exactly as you said, being responsible financially and all other decisions except all the ones he'd make on his own that were big F*** -ups I'd have to fix.
Our sex life was strained for that reason, I couldn't share my body with him, Cause every time I would, he'd come clean about some other way he sunk our ship. Sometimes he'd try to force himself on me while I was sleeping. And that only disgusted me more.
I did the worse thing I could do. I went to an online chat.
I was lonely. I just wanted to feel like I mattered.
At first I never told anyone who I Truly was. Just went on to hang out in Public rooms to chat about regular stuff to escape my depression. Until I met a guy that I fell deeply for.
I know..... this was bad.
I cheated emotionally with him. I feel very guilty. But this person made me feel special, all the things my husband did not. Telling me how he would treat me if I were his....etc... All the things a woman would want to hear.
I tried to talk to my husband before things got this point to fix things, stop messing up.
I know Money isn't everything, but I feel like my hard work wasn't valued. And I feel Robbed.
I disrespected him now too, and disrespected myself to get into this mess, and by doing what I did.
Part of me still has feelings for this other guy. Even though we don't really talk anymore.
My Husband found out about him, and said he would forgive me for it, but part of me doesn't want him to. We made deals that i wouldn't talk online, if he did things to fix his situation. He failed so I let myself fail because I was so Angry.
I feel like we were already over a long time ago. When he decided other people / things were more important than me and his kids, (he made huge financial decisions to help his "friends" and his business), and when I selfishly cheated.

I too am in a similar situation. Sexless marriage, sleep in seperate rooms. Been married 25 yrs, kids are grown up too. Now is the time marriage and being happy should be on "Cruise control!! She had drained the savings account, I never cheated on her. What a mess. Any suggestions... Girl??

Crowbar53...wow, 25 years! And yes, sadly I relate to the sexless marriage and living as roommates rather as the husband and wife we were.
Now, I cannot tell you what to do, but if you are not happy, and the damage is too far done, essentially you have to look at whether you can continue in that relationship any longer. Ask yourself if you feel you have really tried to make it work and can you walk away knowing you tried with no regrets?? Essentially you have to determine what will make YOU happy....money/children should not be a part of that decision. And while I do understand children and money can factor into the decision process, it should not be the sole reason one continues in a relationship that is simply unhappy.
This makes me think of something my grandma used to always say to me "It is easy to make decisions, its the following through with that decision that is hard!"
That seems an appropiate thought at this time..yes?!?

Grandma was a smart lady. Yes, I finally did it and am now divorced. I have no *Crystal ball* to look into the future, but I'm glad I'm not going "Backwards" !!! Only time..will tell what happens.

Your a smart girl, and a survivor. Someday you'll find the right guy. Best of luck. You earned it!! Crowbar

Wow can I relate! I'm in a similar situation. He is on the couch until we can afford to separate. He still wants to make it work...but its too late. I'm done. I'm tired of always being the one to bail us out. Thanks for sharing this.

Wendyk..... I completely understand. For my husband I believe that conditioning came into play; his parents struggled financially and instilled that money was not important. And while that is very admirable, it does create issues when an adult and the bill collectors are knocking at the door. Further to that, as he always said, life comes easy- everything as came easy for him....yeah b/c his family was always there for him to help out. Once I got in the picture, I helped out.
I am a natural organizer and well, I get **** done....cant help it.....so when the rent needed to be paid and he was short, I covered it

And it was only natural that manifested into other aspects of our lives....in essence I enable him. But could I have done differently? I mean its my name/credit that was also affected; my life and space that is also impacted by his procrastinating....**** has to be done and if he doesnt do then I have, right?!?!
Yup, I understand.

Yup! It is sad but true. I enabled him. He never had to grow up because he had me to be his Mommy.

Yup...and as I told him when he would complain about our lack of intimacy..' mommy doesnt do her son' . Yes it is a bit crude but he got the point!!

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dear wickedties...I think I can feel through you...you love him and you still do but you have grown more mature and he still remains as a little child! you love him yet have to leave him for him to grow....more ambitious , more drive...more naughty and adventurous and yet still loving towards you...caught hold of you and playfully spank you and hold you tight and said...don't worry I'll take care of the bills! Since you're going on a movie date enjoy yourself and encourage him to grow by praising what you like...I sense HOPE!

wonder how you fall for him in the first place...Ifeel you really put in a lot of effort to make things work.too much like mum...Ifeel you are a kind person but you just can't get thru to him...wellit takes 2 to make relations work...perhaps you can try one more time with his participation...before quitting!

thank you Faithfullover....and while it would be easy to blame him for all, I cannot. We both at fault and perhaps in his eyes I did not try enough. I often wonder if he does but also wonder if he feels I gave up on him - which is a painful thought. We are friends and we hang out once every month or so (infact we are doing a movie tonight) and I LOVE being his friend. I often look at him and wonder 'did I do the right thing?' And my answer is YES- for me and him!
I have done alot of thinking about the why's; why did we get married in the first place?...b/c I did love him, respected him and saw what a great man he was however, upon reflection I have realized I was not in love with him
-which is important to a marriage. I felt I was lucky a man like him was in love with ME, wanted a relationship with ME and in turn wanted a life with ME. Thought I was stupid if I didnt marry him...as a result, we married and it was very good until year 7 and then slowly it began to crumble. But now we are happy (I think) and we can be friends....he will always be a part of my life, he is too important not to be but just not as husband & wife.

It is amazing how soo many people feel the way I do. I don't feel so alone! :-)

WPeace...it is true you are NOT alone but sadly that means others feeling the same emptiness.

Well from your pic I don't think you'll have a prob finding someone else but people can change if they try but doesn't sound like your marriage can ever be repaired but who knows maybe I'm wrong

Saskguy....I agree, I think people can change, the key however is that they have to WANT to change! And while I believe he did but yet he didn't want to put in the effort, sadly.

Yea didn't sound like he would and not sure why if that's you in the pic your a hottie

Well I think for a long time he thought it would all work out; she'll talk about it, be upset for a little bit but then be fine, kinda a waiting game for him really. However, when he realized that I wasn't gonna calm down and this was real, he tried for a whole of two weeks and then he was right back to the way he was. So....I take from that he wanted to work on it as long as it didn't require any actual work/effort and sadly, that wasn't okay with me.

And yes that is me in the pic, thank you.

Yea sounds like he tried to placate you for a not then back to normal hoping you'd forget about it

Yes, Saskguy, I believe that is indeed was what he was hoping for. He has since told me he took me granted- which means alot that he said it but in the end, w/o effort nothing would change for the better.

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Sorry...but I think you are right. This one is over. Keep the good you see in him and move on. :( I know easier said then done.

Oh...you did move on. Congrats for taking control of your life. :) I get so tired of people in relationship blaming the other person. You either work at it or you leave, it your decision. No one is to blame, life is not always fair or right...you just have to work with what you have.

Yes I agree with you...if one isnt happy, work on it or move on. Being an adult means sometimes making decisions that will be hard &/or painful. Thank you for your comments!

So true!!!!!!!

I know exactly how you are feeling right now, dear. I'm bungee-jumping with too long a cord in my relationship, and every time I hit bottom I would try to find some way to fill the hole in my heart, trying to use chocolate as an antidepressant, cigarettes for a mood stabilizer, alcohol as a sleep inducer... all of which had only fleeting benefits and long-term consequences. Now I bounce back and forth between thinking things will work and being so lonely I want out so bad, but who the hell would ever want to be with a fat, middle-aged smoking nerd? (at least I wasn't stupid enough to keep up the bedtime brandy, I'm not programmed to enjoy drinking thank goodness) It's resonating with the feeling of being unlovable caused by the abuse and neglect I've been through. I hope you are wiser and decide to make the break, I hope you're wiser than me and decide the sharp pain is fleeting but will eventually become the cure. I hope you read my words and see there are men around who are learning the same wisdom you are and they would be honored to share a healthy relationship with you.

You do have the right, and I hope you have the strength - to forgive him in his repentance, but still strong enough to deliver the consequences. I see you know he has regret but are also wise enough to see he will never learn. I wish I were that strong...

Thank you for sharing....i am sorry however as to the content.. .I will say you cannot let that thinking "who'll ever want a fat nerd" first off, MANY women LOVE nerds!! And secondly, your size/weight, well that is temporary......besides many women dont care about size. My husband was small and nerdy and the man I currently am seeing is a large man and he is sexy and wonderful!!
The point is, wouldnt you be happier on your own than being with someone who causes you pain/doubt?? You'd be amazed how life really can be!

Indeed. And thanks for the pep talk. At my low points I've chanted "I'd rather be lonely because I am alone" almost like a mantra. Glad you are well (and I need to pay more attention to the dates!)

Lol...Nerdalot, I too forget to take note of dates and then theres days when I think I responded yet when I come back to a story, nope!! Lol.

And anytime.....hit me up whenever you might want/need a pep talk or simply just wanna chat!!

Hello, after reading I felt like sharing my point of view. Through out your feelings is the way to identify what is working and what is not... Obviously feeling depress and crying a lot is not what I like to do myself I would rather be happy and filled with love.
If you can't have those feelings of happiness and love around him is normal to disengage from the relationship.
My question to you is this "When was the time in your life when you felt strong, confident and happy?

BBPeace, I saw this last week but to be honest your question left me thinking so I stepped back and thought about it for a week plus.....and to be honest, there are very few moments in my life where I can remember being happy AND confident. It is sad really but most of my marriage, I spent feeling happy I got someone so great yet I was constantly battling my doubts in or relationship (thats for another time) anyway, I am left with very few times. Which is frankly very sad. I am gonna have to work on that for it seems,at least for me, those two things dont happen at the same time. HmmmMmmm....

"his actions just speak so much louder then his words"...May I say that your words echo exactly what my father taught me...They are so True! There is a book I have never read but I believe it is called, "Love is never enough". I am married to a woman that is acting and has acted consistently the same way as your husband...almost to a tee, for years now. I wonder why I stay! I got frustrated enough to actually look deeper into things and discover that people with behaviors such as yours (husband) and mine may suffer from ..hold your breath...ADHD or ADD. No I never believed in this CRAP, pardon, but it certainly seems to apply. Check it out if you care. Things go in one ear and out the other. It's as though they are literally only half- listening. Nothing gets done by them!! We discussed it (ADHD)but nothing has changed as ADDers' have LOUSY, TERRIBLE, follow-up skills. I have harranged, yelled, begged and pleaded, asked nicely, been sweet as pie and NOTHING, I mean NOTHING ever changes, or gets done...I do not believe it will either. Likewise I feel like a "daddy" I.E., I do meals, she agreed to do dishes: they will sit there dirty all week! Promises, promises. like the damn song...

Even when things fall apart, there seems to be no genuine concern about life in general, just more damn TV or video games. I get NO help whatsoever. We(I) had a business and all kinds of promises were made and it took two to make it work. Well,it fell apart largely because of her not helping. Enough with that stuff. I have a biology degree and vast knowledge of nutrition. Their brain ain't workin' right honey..that is what I believe! Not a whole lot goin on up there which is why she needs her damn TV so much to STIMULATE the mind! Were all alone! They may not hear us at all. We bore them. I get bored. We have no kids and I love her but I am so, so, so tired, damn tired of the excuses and being bored and lonely and doing everything that needs doing. I love to talk, hell all night long. Life is fascinating, but not for her. ADD is very rare in women. ADDer's: not all of them talk a lot. His excuses may be real but unless he is FIXED upstairs you won't get anywhere. You may need to push hard to get him in for a diagnosis. I never really believed in the existence of ADD or ADHD but my wife definitely exhibits SOMETHING like it. She agreed to start taking nutritional supplements but I don't see a huge change. Literally the ADHD brain is functioning at almost a sleep level. If she took stimulants she might be normal but she doesn't think she has a problem. Hyperactivity is not always a part of the problem. Lack of motivation is indeed a part of it. I feel I am a damn smart person and I am wasting my life on someone that may not appreciate me or even really care that I am there, let me say that so I feel better. So familiar huh?Love is not enough and by GOD if they give a damn they will Love, Honor and Respect us and each other. There is a lot to those words! Marriage takes cooperation at a minimum. Your husband may be genuine in his concern but obviously his actions do not show it just as mine. It seems as though they can be almost cruel with their apathy. I guess if I had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend like this I would tell her to leave him so why can't I look at it from my perspective and tell myself to do the same thing? Check out the ADD stuff. This must be why guys need to watch football: it stimulates their mind by acting on it like speed. Coffee is supposed to work too. I feel like a martyr. I hope this gave you some insight . thanks, John

Marriage is a hard thing to deal with even when everything goes well. Sometimes I'm not sure if its worth the effort! I would love to believe there is a soul-mate for us all. However, it seems that we just settle for what we get until we make ourselves so unhappy that we divorce or worse. The way I see it is that often we hear what the other person says but we translate through our own varied experiences which makes everything mean something else to each person. Damned hard way to communicate!

Wow, sounds like I could have written this story myself only I am 61 and have been married for 40 years,the last 10 have been really bad. Atleast you have a good job and can support yourself. I was a stay at home mom for most of my marraige and the few skills I do have are outdated so I am having a difficult time finding a job. Its very very hard and although I try to be optimistic I find myself going through periods of deep depression and crying spells. I try to stay busy but sometimes feel like a real failure,he doesn't seem to care much its all about him. I hope you persevere and find happiness,joy and peace.

He must have gone further and further into depression and a serious feeling of being a loser. He may have felt you weren,t supportive...while you felt you did everything you could. At one point or another the reality hits you: there's no sexual chemistry there any longer, the tie that binds beyond any other consideration, and it's time for both to go their seprate ways, because people change, because life changes us...

Wow sounds like you got the cream of the crop of losers but why have you waited so long to leave him! What is with him taking a leave of work now is that just to make things harder on you and to delay you leaving longer? I think i would look for ways to sell that house and cut all ties with this *** and move on to find a better life for yourself cause you deserve a whole lot better then what you have had! Don't stay much longer and let him suck what life you have left out of you and don't let your fears hold you back leaving has to be a whole lot better than staying!

Mdevil....we did sell the house, just this January, and have since have gone our own ways. As for him taking a leave, I think he was unhappy with us but just didnt know it, in essence, he blamed his work and made himself unhappy there. And the fact that I have always been the one that 'took care of things' when we really needed it, perhaps it was easy to rely on that to continue. Now, I dont think he is a loser but he does need to grow for he has always had someone take care of him, now it's turn.
And you are right, despite some dating mishaps or disappointments, I am a lot happier and I think he is too.

Very happy to hear your out and on your own and trust me there is the right guy out there looking for you i just know it! Thanks for getting back to me and letting me know how things are going in your life!

I am so feeling not alone...I have been in that kind of circle so long...I am taking depression pills.. I do not know hwat to do either..just eveyday, week,month..then a years..been 5 years...if I were you, will do right away for your own sake...life goes on and have to enjoy every minute of it...

Forigner...I have left the marriage. And like you I was depressed and sadly, had a history of severe depression. Essentially, one day I just realized I was tired of feeling depressed and tired of the person I had become as a result of that depression. Once I decided that, I realized what had to change; working on myself, making the hard changes for the better of ME. It's hard and I still struggle at times but I do NOT regret my decision for a moment!
You too need to focus on YOU and your happiness, I wish you luck!!

Good luck. I hope u find ur happiness!!

Thank you Laurapetrie! And I wish you happiness as well!! *smiles*

I was on the other side, my gf has been alone/depressed for so many years,she didn`t even know what she was doing "wrong", she was thinking like a single person, whilst declaring undying love for Me !! I got mad, I got insecure, nothing mattered `til I created a scene, in public !! She dumped me !!!<br />
For 4 days,I got drunk, and wondered!!!Then fate took a part, I saw her ,out and about, so, I decided to ask her the 411.We made up, she now admits, She has a problem,and is going to try and fix it. It`s not ALL her, I should`ve been more patient, but, I`m glad We`re here now.<br />
IF IT`S WORTH IT....FIX IT. xx<br />
If not, happy hunting, we ALL need someone!!!

Curiousguy70...first I am happy that you and your gf had been able to talk and work on it. Sadly however, for me, I attempted for years to work on the isssues.....and he did too but eventually he went back to the routine and I was left feeling alone yet there always someone by my side. In essence, that loneliness was all I could feel and when I started to look at myself, thinking it was all my fault, I began to realize we just wanted different things in life. I wish we could have worked things out but sadly that is not our fate.
Thank you for the comment and I am happy for you!

It`s an OLD adage, "what`s for Ye, WON`T go by Ye", (old Scots).I`m genuinely sorry You "wasted" time on this man, however, keep "putting Yourself out there" (and a million other cliches), BUT, experience is a wonderful teacher/classroom. It hurts,...... but,...... You learn the lesson ,well.
Good luck to You (and Him).Life is short!! xx

Curiousguy70....thank you for the lovely message...and you are right, life is too short!! Good luck to you too.

Don't be afraid at all and trust me there is a person out there for everyone. You deserve something better someone that helps you out, appreciates you, and loves you. I believe that you are a strong independent women with a lot to give so don't stay with someone that only takes away from you and doesn't even says thank you. STOP crying and put a smile on you're face and when you wake up feeling down look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are and say it to you're self over and over again and when you look at him smile instead of feeling bad smile because if it wouldn't have been for you god knows where he would of end up

Diablita6x6...thank you. Your words are very lovely and very encouraging. Thank you very much!!!

You ARE beautiful.

you hitting on me again JimHenson? Silver tongued devil *smiles and chuckles*

That's not all I can do with my tongue!

can you tie a knot in a cherry stem with your tongue???

What type of knot would you like!?! :)

Hmmm....surprise me.

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I'm so sorry. I hope you can find happiness...<br />
<br />
My thoughts and hopes are going out to you.

Thank you! I am slowly finding happiness....like everything, it takes time. *smiles*

I understand where you are coming from, I have been married over 25 years, I got married very young (and no, I was not pregnant). I was so in love with him, he was my world, even after having two children with him and putting up with all of his crap I didnt' realize how bad it was until after I was almost due with out third child. He told me at one point that if I left him he would quit his job and not support our children. I say now that I stayed for that reason, I don't know if it was that or that I just didn't want to be without him. Since then he has done things that I cannot forgive, I have lost all respect for him. He is the most selfish person I have ever met, I do not even want to think about him touching me, the last time he did he violated me in the worst way and I told him then he will not touch me again. I spend every day wondering when I am finally going to be strong enough to file papers...

Whydididoit1966....I am sorry to hear that your husband has absolutely NO RESPECT for himself or his chidren...what kind of man says that if his wife leaves him he will not support his children?? WTF?!?! I do not blame you for not having respect for him! he doesn't deserve any! As for the last time you were with him, he is NOT A MAN....he is a coward, a selfish, ignornant coward! It is time to take a deep breath, pack some things and walk away from him.....you and your children are better off w/o such a man! And while it will be hard, lonely and a serious struggle, you can do it!! You can do it for your children!! The legal system will help you and your family and friends will support you BUT you have to be happy...dont let your children grow up to think that how your husband behaves is the way to love a person. Love yourself and do what is best for you and yoru children! I truly wish you all the best!! Again if you wish to talk, please message me.

Your input has been helpful wickedties. It is good to hear that you were able to remain friends - I think in some ways, being angry at each other is what I am most afraid of. But that is no good reason to just bide time either. Since I posted, I learned that her daughter is very very addicted to drugs and the counsellor told my wife that she would need to go to a long term facility in another province and also that her mother should accompany her. I don't know exactly why, since they have been living apart essentially for years, but that is the case. So it just keeps getting more complicated. We just built a new house - actually it isn't even finished and she may need to "rent" a place, plus quit her job, etc. And who knows the result? I personally need to respect her decision although I am very very angry and upset with the situation. I will have to struggle immensely to make ends meet on a house that has costed more than it can be sold for. I know she needs support too which is hard to do right now. But ultimately we both need to do what we both need to do. She needs to help her daughter and I need to keep working and make a living without going into major depression or sickness with stress right now. I also feel that even once the program is done that she will need to continue to cradle her child for a long period of time until she can become a normal thriving adult. Not an environment to consider bringing small children into any time soon. I am leaning towards a "hiatus" as she deals with this and see how it goes for a while - support from a distance. A way to keep my sanity while she does what she has to do. Hopefully time will solve all ills. I know she has tried many things before - most of the time she ends up being stomped on and I hate to see it happen again because she wants so much for things to be better with her. I think I would feel somewhat differently if it were my biological child but the fact is it is not and I can't change that.<br />
<br />
I have many people telling me different things - most of them have no idea what the situation is actually like - I am sure you had the same issues. Some would do this, others would do the opposite - actually it is never what they would do - its what I should do. Opinions are rampant.<br />
<br />
Anyway sorry for rambling on my story. As per your situation, I don't at all like the thought of starting the dating scene again. It does take a lot of patience and its hard in a busy life. I know almost ten years ago, it was online dating - its difficult to do it any other way once you are past the bar age and out of college.

37andcountin...sorry I did nto respond prior!
I cannot imagine what your wife struggles with internally with the issues that plague her daughters drug addiction...I would however, assume that it is painful and hard not to as a Mother to blame yourself in some way despite it NOT being her fault. That being said I think you are being wise, a 'hiatus' is a good thing, she can focus on her daughter so that she can come to turns with it and deal with it in her own way BUT I hope if her daughter does fail in her recovery she can learn to step back and realize that she can not change her daughter's need for drugs. Further to that, I think it is time for you to focus on you, decide what you need and want in this life, in your relationship. One will never get or be fulfilled in a relationship if they do not know what they need and can 'admit' or acknowledge what they need. As for the dating scene, sucks!! I wont lie...as for online dating, I dont like it, I see that all it does is encourage extra-marital affairs. When I was online, despite my warning, I was constantly bombarded with messages from married men. Frankly it disappoints me but that is another topic of discussion.....back to you! While everyone has an opinion, it is YOU that to decide what you can live with or cant live with. And while supporting a loved one/family is admirable, at what cost do you do that?? Financial ruins?? Marriage complications/divorce?? Mentally/physical health/stress?? In the end, only you can answer that.
I do wish you well and please, DONT EVER worry about rambling to me. I am around if you need to talk!
L.

We are living the same life, I do everything from repair walls,cook, work, pay bills, raise kids,grandchild etc. If he got to have sex once a week he wouldn't care if the world was going to end. He doesn't care about anybody , but himself. I don't wish any bad for him, but I am tired of being so lonely when I'm married. I have found myself shutting off from the rest of the world. I feel selfish too, but I don't want to spend another 20 years in a loveless marriage. He and I deserve better, I have spent too many years trying to make him happy and getting nothing in return.

Whydididoit1966, firts, I am sorry I did not reply before now.

And I agree, neither you or your husband should be in a relationship makes you both unhappy. For me, if you have tried to work on your issues, address your concerns sadly to no avail then I do not think you are selfish, I think it would have been selfish to keep the relationship and simply gone out and cheated. To me that is SELFISH.

Personally, I think it takes alot of courage to make that decision and to recognize that neither are happy. It takes courage to make the first step....and while it will be hard b/c 20 yrs is a long time to have shared a life with someone but....dont allow that time to end in resentment and anger, which it will do if you continue in a marriage that is simply no longer happy.

I wish you all the best and happiness in this life!

If you wish to talk, by all means message me!

L.

Wickedties, I can definately relate to some of your problems - different scenarios but some similarities. I have been married the better part of 10 yrs and my wife has a teenage daughter from a previous marriage - a very difficult child who seems to consume much of her life. Rebellious, hurtful, non-respecting of her family, her daughter has created much havoc in our lives and I know for a fact it has divided our intimacy over time. There is always the fear of what next, will she need to be rescued again. In fact it is happening right now and communication is non-existent almost, as she is afraid I won;t agree with her perhaps. I know this is hard for her too but I feel a complete lack of control and direction right now. I feel my chance to have my own children is being compromised as i would not want to put them in a situation where they may be around her and her poor lifestyle and choices. Being in my late 30's I wonder if its too late to move on and start over. Not getting any younger.<br />
<br />
I would be interested in knowing how things went for you...

I am sorry to hear about your step-daughter....I actually have a friend who struggles with similar circumstances as yours. She is with a wonderful man whom has 2 children from previous marriage, one 'angel boy' and one 'devil girl'. She struggles to deal with all the neediness (lack of better word) that the teenage daughter requires/demands and sadly it has caused some friction in their relationship.

I cannot give any suggestions on how one would deal with that as I really have no idea....I do think it is very admirable that you have been there for your wife, I am not sure if the roles were reversed I could be.

As for your age, well, you are a spring chicken !!! I am 43 and basically starting over.....I struggle with that b/c I feel somewhat like a failure, I went from owning a home, being married to now being a single 43 yr old female who rents a basement apartment. Not too mention I am dealing with the dating scene which frankly I have very little patience for.

Now that being said, I wouldn't trade it .....I am happier, he is happier. We remain friends which I am so grateful for but if we had continued as we had for so long, I dont think that would have happened, infact I know we would have begun to resent each other, I couldn't let our marriage end that way.....couldn't let all the good times/memories basically be devalued as a result of angry and resentment.

Anyway, you have to do what is right for you....if you choose to remain with your wife, tell her clearly how you feel including IF you are thinking of being with others. Tell her you support her and are here for her but you also need her there for you which includes intimacy.

I don't know if I have said anything helpful, perhaps I have just babbled on, but if you felt it a little useful, awesome. And should you want to talk any further, I am around.

Part 2, I now teach classes to Mens groups on how to Man Up and be responseable as the head of the family, to provide financialy - guidance - emotional - Love - romance - caring - spiritualy - as well as setting up a budget and short term and long term goals , also to not take each other for granit, but to give all 100% of yourself to the other. put God 1st. - Wife 2nd. - Kids3rd. - realitives4th. - friends5th. - Work 6th. - Hobbies/Sports7th. - This pattern of success is from the Bible and it is proven and it works. If any guy is reading this and your wife is not your lover - best friend - soul mate, she can be, do these things every day no matter weather she is nice or hateful or has sex with you, Stay the course because you are working for a higher power. Man Up & guide your family.

I think is awesome that you have done so well and are striving to help others to avoid similar situations, to get their priorities straight in life. Sadly this life throws so many obstacles at us that is very easy to lose track of what is important ...until of course, it is gone. I wish you happiness and thank for sharing.

I will be praying that you and him can work it out, and if not that you will have wisdom to make good decisions, stay healthy in the process. Oh..... would he read a book ??? There is a good read called "His Needs/Her Needs" and very good, it helps a man to understand how a woman views &amp; reasons with her thoughs and desires. just something that might help him ?

Thank you for suggestion, I will have to look into it.

Hi and a good post, I was kind of like your husband maybe and in some of the same ways and my ex felt the same feelings toward me as you have stated that you have toward your husband. Before it even gets to this point in a relationship, it was all ready going south little by little. I' ll write this in 2 parts, In our case I was the problem with no sense of wanting to change untill I was forced to have to. we were married for 29 years and divorced in 08. I worked each day but my cabinet shop was just barley making it, if it was not for the wifes income I would not have been able to do it at all, Sex had stoped in 95, then distrust moved in from me lieing to her about finances and then we got seperate checking/savings acct.s , her very well paying med job provided us with stability-ins.& 401k , The problem with this is that it put all of the weight a worry and burdon on her. I was working but treading water and getting no traction, and could not see the forest for the trees. We were both misserably and my problem was PRIDE, I did not want to say that the bussiness was failing, but at the same time I was Failing my family. Why was it so hard to see or understand ? She had mentioned seperation or divorce in heated arguments, but I never thought see would follow through. In Jan-March she made a plan to get out, she hired a Lawyer/ filed the papers and gave them to me at 10pm the night I committied my mom to to hospital for schizophreian. A BIG TIME kick in the *** for me, within 90 days , she had her freedom and happiness and my son. What she did was the worst thing for our son, but the Best thing for her and her future and surprisingly me also. I sat and prayed about what to do. So I signed over the home&land - all furniture and items - 2 cars - all 401k/checking savings - all exterior yard and barn items, she had no debts at all and I assumed the debt of 18,000.00 , I got tools-books-drums, I figuared that if I was vendictive against her, then my son would end up paying the price, so they have a beautiful place on the Lake with the animals and they did not have to change their lifestyle and both are very happy and hopefuly she will find a good man for herself. It is now 3 years out from the Divorce, Ive not been with anyone or dated as of yet but maybe in the near future. Once I shut down the Cabinet Shop and started over with $10.00 to my name, I opened a Remodeling Co. in 2008, 100day's after her divorce was final, I was tought some very important lessons and Iam still learning, But that 100th day the flood gates opened up and this business has been making a very nice profit every single month, never missed a one, just amazing, Ive paided all child support in advance for 3 more years, and have just opened a Rental Property Co. and have paid cash for all 4 places, both bussinesses and personal life is debt free. But it has come at a High Price for having to learn the hard way. Are Men Hard Headed ? I was! If you would like to show this to your guy to get him to wake up that would be great,

HotDrumSticks....as you wrote in 2 parts I will respond in 2 parts *smiles* First, thank you for sharing your story with me and everyone who reads this.....very courageous really...to admit ones wrongs and openly discuss a very painful time in your life. I admire that you put your son first and did not fight over belongings, etc. Many people do not do that and while I do not agree with your ex's tactic or her 'greediness', I am happy to hear there wa sno drawn out fighting.

And you are right, it is sad that so many people have to learn the hard way as it ALWAYS comes at a high price.

Cole135, marriage is a struggle, a series of give and take, acknowledgement of anothers feelings and being able to put their feelings ahead of yours sometimes. It is so important to have the communication, good and bad, positive and negative, because w/o that everything else slowly falls apart to the point that it just simply cant be fixed. It is sad, it is hard, it is painful but it happens. And while I do struggle some days, still, I must move on, not just for me but for him. Neither of us were happy, he is just more comfortable ignoring it.<br />
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As for your mom, congrats to her, that takes ALOT of strength to do what she did, 25 yrs, wow!! I am happy that she has found new love and someone who treats her well and appreciates her and all she does.<br />
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Now as for your wife....tell her everyday you love her...and dont just say the words, MEAN THEM, show her with your actions!! Many people just dont understand, saying the words are great but they are JUST words, anyone can say 'I love you'. It is one's actions that truly show ones feelings. <br />
Simple things like touching ones face, demanding them to look you in the eye so they can SEE your love....or grabbing one's hand, gentle and caressing....or taking time to whisper in one's ear kind, loving words & then simply walk away leaving them to glow in those thoughts. <br />
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I wish you a happy life with your wife!<br />
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Thank you for your comments *smiles*

Marcusrover, you are right, having respect for one person does not equal love or a relationship yet at the same time it is key to having a relationship. I mean how can one one another if there is no respect? And sadly mine has dwindled in some respects which is very saddening. And you are right, I need to focus on me and what makes me happy ..... and I have yet I feel a small sense of guilt. Why is that??

if you do not love him than you would be doing both of you an injustice by staying with him. I do not feel respecting someone is enough to stay in a loveless relationship. You need to focus on your happiness for a change and find someone that completes you

ThatFeeling, thank you for your comments!<br />
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He says he recognizes that he has taken me for granted and that he would change things.....lasted about 2 weeks. And while he has gotten a job and is happy there (which does me make me happy for him) things really havent changes, nor do I suspect they ever will. <br />
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You are right, he needs to be on his own and grow, learn how to step up in some regards. I hope in time he can and that it makes him happy.

You know I hear that story alot. You lost respect for him, because he forgot how to be the man for you. Maybe he never knew how. To have someone lead the way, from fixing the kitchen faucet, to the financial troubles, to leading the way in the bedroom. Put your pants on guys, time to man up!<br />
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It seems epidemic. Men have become wussies. Then they wonder why their wives don't feel attracted to them anymore, and many come here to whine about their sexless marriages. You brought it upon your selves, dudes....<br />
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You started this post a year and a half ago, wickedties... I am wondering if he has awakened from his ignorance yet?

I did read your story and some comments. Since I do not know you , I can say very little.<br />
What I'm writing below could be applied to all life situations and myself as well .<br />
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Try to be a girl on the move with a creativity , your life will have different quality.<br />
Only you will be able to taste it. <br />
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People’s creativity is very much alive, but when they get paid for their creativity, they often experience that as rather meaningless.<br />
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Money as the reward for their creative process is very one-dimensional, a tremendous comedown. That’s why it is sad to reduce every creative force to monetary terms. It’s terribly sad, sacrilegious in a sense.

Thank you Bunnypoeta! Those are very kind words. *smiles*

ToDaRoof.....I agree with you, however, I think people do not know the difference between to love someone vs being in love with someone. I love my friends, I love my family but I should be IN LOVE with my husband.....and that has changed, for whatever reason that has changed. Sad? YES!! And I tried to fix things, but one can only do so much. It is not fair to him or me to stay in a relationship/marriage where neither are happy. <br />
Now, that being said, I will always love him, I will always want him to be happy and to have the best......I hope he feels the same!!

I am sorry to hear that, and I see yur issues , however, may I suggest you kick that sorry *** (I say that as result of hi snot seeing the issues) out and get yourself a roommate...that can help you with the expenses....there is ALWAYS another way, but sometimes they are just not as easily found as others.<br />
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I am currently living, still, with my husband, we live in seperate room, seperate lives and while we get along well, it is hard, and I see him not working and me picking up all the slack...my resentment grows and I sooo dont want that!! So I do whatever I can not to let that happen, even if it means staying at my friends home....just to have space.<br />
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Anyway, good luck....and if you ever wish to chat, message me. *smiles*

I too, am in that situation, I feel like his mom, and everything else she has posted....I just don't have a plan "B". And I feel also, he is not a bad man, just not my man. All of the comments make perfect sense, but, do nothing to change my situation. I am on a disability pension of 532.oo per month. I own my own home, with him living with me for 10 years. I cannot make ends meet alone. So, I stay, and become resentful, and I am lonely, no sex , no talking, no dinners out, no nothing! We do absolutely nothing together. He won't even work on this as he sees nothing wrong! I am scared, feeling old, and certainly undesireable...and no where to turn except here to hear similar stories and words of encouragement, which really don't encourage me! What's next?

Well, this comment comes a bit late but for all of you who are in this kind of situation, understand this- you cannot make other people happy unless you yourself are happy, You can impart a little happiness to other people without being happy yourself but if more than that is required, it has to come from you. Which means you have to be happy. Staying in a relationship because you think you are being selfish to leave it...well its just going to make you resent him more because you will feel that it is for his sake and not yours. And that does not help either of you does it?<br />
You have only one life, love. Go and find happiness while you have it. And when you have found it, finding somebody to share it will be a lot easier. Take care.

Firemen.....well I am very sorry to hear that! I would/could could not trust a firemen.....and I turned several down just based on their profession. <br />
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He sounds like an *** and you deserve better! And good for you, take those rings off, get seperation papers while he out doing his 'hobbies', And stop waiting for his call, go out, meet people...hell meet some more firemen and get your own hobby! *smiles and chuckles* I dont condon cheating but he obviously has no respect for you, therefore it is time to truly start living your life...where ever that may take you! <br />
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Good luck Tami30! and if you ever want to talk, just message me!

ive waited for my children to finish high school to leave as well. I have left three times even moved from DE to Louisiana and he followed. Its just about his life. He goes away for hours or whole day at a time doing whatever with his hobby as a fireman and I am left to fend for myself. No car, no money and nothing to do but wait for his call.....which never comes. I have taken my rings off and they sit in a box. I cant seem to escape.

Celta, I will read the poem...and yes you are right I must live my life which I am beginning to do and I am finally becoming happy. However, to say he is a great man is not self-defeating....he is a great man, just not for ME. And while I do not agree nor can I live with some of his choices, I do not hate him or wish him poorly, instead I would like to be friends. Personally I think I have a very positive and mature attitude about it.....I am NOT going to waste any time regretting anything whether it be our relationship or not living my life.<br />
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Further to that, you are certainly free to doubt all you want.....but I am unclear as to why or what you would doubt, you are not me nor can you possibly know what I feel or think. So while I appreciate your comments, you doubting my "story" is frankly irrelevant to me.

....by the way, get rid of that nonsense in your head...'he's a great man!' What a self-defeating comment that is.....in fact, it makes me doubt your story somewhat.

.....life is what you make it. Have the courage of your convictions and stop 'looking too far' into the future. Read the poem, 'IF', by Rudyard Kipling. As a last resort, remember who you were before you got married to that 'loser' and just walk away! Fortune favours the 'brave' and the 'risk takers'. Get whatever self-respect you have left and live your OWN LIFE....take a chance!!.....or die wondering....'if only?'

Destiney24, I am sorry and I completely understand your feelings, etc. *hugs* If you ever want to talk, message me.<br />
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Deepstorm63, thank you for your support!<br />
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Comebacksoon, thank you!! I will...keep my chin up otherwise I just keep falling.....I am tired of falling!

can I ever truly be happy the way I want to be? <br />
YES you can girl <br />
in time it will all be good keep your chin up.

I'm not sure of the divorce laws where you live, but here, if a spouse voluntarily quits a job, in most cases they will not be awarded any alimony. Just hang in there and I know that you have it in you to overcome this.

I know you have what it takes to survive. You are beatiful and there will be some guy who will let you know it and will apreciate you. You are a very special person and deserve to be treated in a special way... I don't like the idea of devorce but when you have done as much as you have done and he has treated that commitment on your behalf the way he has than that constitutes abuse on his behalf.I know you have friends that can help. You can and will make it through girl.

CPAguy, you know, you are the 2nd person to say that to me today. Am I being naive thinking that he wouldn't do that...that there is some love left that he would not want to hurt me that way? Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that, I really just wanted to end it with some respect left in tact for him, but if he were to pursue that there would be none left. Thank you for the information, I will be sure to look into my options.

Lightandshadow73, thank you! And you are right, someone will want me and I can't allow my fear of being alone stop me from doing what I know is right. I have asked him for a divorce and I am looking forward to the changes it is going to bring me. I wish you luck my dear!<br />
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Mel, don't stay in the cave too long! Reclaim your life, your happiness!! I know that you are staying for your children but I have to ask, do you not think they sense and feel your pain? And does it not affect their happiness and view of love, would it not be better for them, for YOU to be out of that relationship and happy? I am sure that you have pondered that thought many times but I think it is something you might want to revisit.....be happy! Please keep in touch.<br />
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Honey624, I have been seriously contemplating that., unfortunately, my guilt gets in the way and I never get to asking.<br />
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Dgrace, some very good points and I do know them, but they get lost when the emotions set in, but thank you for the reminder!

I know exactly what your feeling but when you finally leave and your on your own and that first guy makes a pass or flirts with you your gonna feel like a million bucks i know it took me 2 yrs but i've finally got him out of my life still lonely but its a different kind of lonely,you deserve better so does your child i would stop supporting him just pay what you have to to surrive but dont pay any extra why should he not have to give in good luck

hard to really say. Maybe he is a freeloader and taking you for what he can get. Divorce is of course the hardest as I went through it 20 years ago. I made certain decisions and kept with tem while she just sat back with her mom ad did her thing. Might be best just to tell him get out.

Thanks. I understand the being off balance routine. We both work different schedules so there are days she is either gone or asleep. On the days she is around, then it does make me feel awkward and more like a prisoner in my cave and if I do venture out from my cave she'll surely say something that really knocks me off balance too. Back to the cave and then I fight with every fiber of my being to get past those hurt feelings and reclaim joy into my life that day if at all possible. <br />
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How much simpler it would be if we were already separated, but that's a good 4 1/2 years away. But I believe this will also make me stronger in life and I'll not have any regrets when the time comes to leave because she had more than ample opportunity to make amends and demonstrate if she truly cared or loved me. I'm sure there will always be scars in my heart. Its pretty hard to have loved and not be left without scars when you have not only been rejected but betrayed in the process, but I have a big heart with so much more love to give so I am confident that I can go on living and live my life to the fullest. <br />
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So yes, you will get stronger. It's also like a grieving process we have to go through after living with someone so long, but the sun does rise again and the skies do clear up into a brilliant blue hue. <br />
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Best wishes to you and yes its always possible we might meet along the way. The world is smaller than it seems and it would be great to meet my EP friends in my travels. <br />
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Mel

I have to say, I thought my situation sucked, then I read your and realized...I am not alone, yours does too! I just have to say something here, dont let fear bind you into complacency. If the only thing keeping you in your current path is fear of loneliness.. jump dear. Take a chance...thats my humble advice. If you dont love him, respect him, or have sex with him, he doesnt pay his share, doesnt communicate, etc etc...he is worse than a room-mate! and isnt a husband. If you are fat or thin, pimply, pale, dark, splotchy, sleek, or lovely....it matters not. You deserve a mate, someone to depend on, to cherish you... and standing idle in this mess is no way to find him. Be brave...there is someone out there for everyone! :-) Good Luck dear.

Thank you to you both, your kind words are very much appreciated. <br />
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And to LFF, I do indeed know where to find you! x<br />
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To Lovelife2themax, I am sorry that you have been hurt and are in a similar position. You do seem to have a good outlook on it though, I admire that. Finding yourself is a wonderful journey and I have been following that path but there are just some days when I trip and stumble and have a hard time getting my balance again. And today was one of those days. I will be stonger tomorrow and the next and so on and so on.....<br />
I wish you happiness in your travels, perhaps we will meet along the way! Thank you again.

Actions speak louder than words. He certainly has the opportunity to make amends, but just doesn't seem to get it. It's a tough transition and all the doubts and fears come out. Focus on loving yourself and taking this all a step at a time. Deal with the divorce first, worry about future potential relationships later. Find some positive goals you can make of things you can do to take your mind off this situation even if only briefly. Start to rebuild your life now. <br />
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I'm in a somewhat similar situation. Live in my cave in the house. Waiting for the children to all finish high school. I've been given lip service too. I've spelled out clearly what I would expect for her to work on repairing the damage and restoring the trust after her infidelity and yet she does nothing. Well I am working on making my life better in the here and now as best I can and I guess in a few years she'll just find out I was dead serious about leaving and once I start traveling the world I don't intend on looking back ever again. Life is too short! <br />
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Best Wishes to you! Mel

you will turn this around, your obviously strong minded and know what you want in life. wish i could be there to put a smile on your face and make you happy. you know were i am if you need me x