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Marriage = Loneliness = Divorce?

 
He is a great man, kind, easy going, funny, intelligent but I do not respect him, I am not in love him nor do I want be intimate with him. We haven't been together intimately since Aug 19/2008. It was his birthday and well, I felt guilty. And prior to that, we had sex maybe 3 times a year for 5 years.

There are things he has done that have just made me see him in a different light, he constantly made life altering decisions without even bothering to discuss with me. I would find out by accident or by "nagging" asking questions. And when there were financial troubles he never did anything to fix them, it was always me, working extra jobs, begging to borrow money from my folks...which ripped out a piece of my soul each time I had to do it and he did not seem to care or even notice.

There was never any effort made on his part, he always picks the road of least resistance. I always had to take on the dominate role in every aspect, from house fix it gal to sex. Everything became a struggle and one day, I just blew up! And it just clicked!!!

I felt like I was his mother and he was my son.....he never cared, not enough to do anything to make it better anyway. He would just ignore my concerns/ my feelings and wait for me to forget. I realized that I was so busy looking after his needs that I forgot about mine.

So, now we live together in seperate rooms, uncomfortable as hell, but neither of us can afford to move until we sell our home. He has decided to go on leave from work, again not telling me until I notice he's home and I ask question after question. So even though we are divorcing, I get to pay for everything...yet again! And he doesn't seem to care.

Now he has apologized to me and says he has taken me for granted which I do respect him for saying but...it's just too late and his actions just speak so much louder then his words.

I would like to end on a positive note with him, but I feel myself becoming depressed being around him.....I am becoming resentful, and I do not like that feeling! And I cry a lot again, and hide in my room.... I was feeling so good about my decision and now I wonder what have I done and can I ever truly be happy the way I want to be? Can I have all that I want and need in someone or am I just being selfish? And then, there is the fear that no one will want me, there will not be a man out there who will except all my flaws and love me, who will find me beautiful and not care that my body is not perfect, far from it. Am I to be lonely all my life, whether I am with him or not? And honestly, that thought scares me more then I can possibly express.


Wow, I thought I had gotten stronger lately, obvisously I am wrong.

wickedties wickedties 41-45, F 77 Responses Jan 12, 2010

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Im a male 23 and lonely as well. Maybe i can help with your problem. Lets chat

Add a response...

Add a response? What would I responding to?

I am sorry your husband turned out to be such a dissapointment. I think that the most important thing to learn is that life goes on without relationships. Even if you never find someone perfect for you, i am sure you will, life is still a beautiful thing. You dont have to find someone perfect, it is okay to take your time searching, and a big part of why there are so many unhappy relationships is that people hook up under obligation, they see it as important, they see life without a relationship as a failure, which is rubbish.

PointlessLITTLEman...thank you for your comments; and you are right, one does not need to be in a relationship to be happy. Nor do people need to settle nor should they! While I do not believe that there are perfect people out there, I do believe, if you are lucky, you can find someone who is perfect for you, in the sense that their weaknesses become your strengths and visa versa. We both have flaws, yet we see them, accept them and love each other despite them.
As for my husband, I don't regret our time together, I loved him, I always will. I would not say he disappointed me, perhaps some of his choices were disapointing and certainly, the fact we grew apart is disappointing but I would not say ' he was disappointing'.....

Thank you again for your comments.

Thank you so much for sharing. Just reading your story make me feel someone else knows. I'm 42 with 5 kids. No career and no friends (my husband was my world). Now I live in my daughters room. I told my husband last night that I deserve to be told I'm loved and even told that they (someone) is lucky to have me, and will be some day. I believe you will be too

Hello Burnley5,
I can't always sort out to whom a reply is meant. EP seems to get them in a funny order, But, if your reply was for me, I hope that what I said was some sort of help.
Peter xx

Burnley5.....YES you do deserve to be told you are loved and wanted and desired and respected and important....sadly it is the people who we are closest to who seem to forget to say those things; and to whom no longer value us as they once did instead we are taken for granted.

May I ask what your husband said when you told him that you deserve to be told you are loved?

Can I suggest something? Go do something for you...take a walk, grab a book, go to the park, join some clubs, do volunteer work but do something YOU enjoy for you!! Find your own identity....people take us for granted because we are always there for them and in turn we somehow lose ourselves . You need to find yourself again. Let him take care of the 5 children, go back to school even if its just a night class. Just do something that will allow you to feel good about yourself, that will allow you to make your own friends.

I know it is scarey, and most likely very overwhelming but you need to make yourself feel loved - do you understand?? Once they see how strong you really are, how they may not be your first priority anymore, they tend to realize what it is they may be missing out on.

I wish you luck and happiness....and please, dont hesitate to message me if you want a friend!!

It is good to move forward even in the face of dispair, i hope things work out for you. I am sure they will. If you would ever like to talk about anything than pm me, that goes for anybody who reads this really.

Thank you for this. I had been with my boyfriend for 8 years and i dont have any connections with him. I'm also resentful for everything Ive done with my life. Im 29 and going back to school full time and there's no way i can move out. Im also scared if anyone would accept me! Tough world! Take care.

Qazwsx100...first, someone most definitely would want you! So don't let that make your decision. You have to make yourself happy- if decide leaving is best for your happiness then do so; stay with a friend, find a roommate....sweetie you can do it!! You can find a way. But you have to truly want that and be ready for all the emotions and hard times that may come. Best of luck!

I liked reading this one. It good to know that you have moved on .

I have a very nice husband too but there are things we dont seem to do things on the same level . I really feel a need to talk this out with a councelor becuase I am starting to get annoyed with him when it comes to doing a project together around the house. I am passive aggresive and when I am mad I tend to do things that will annoy him too.

iaKogami....thank you for your comment and for sharing. *smiles*
I cant reccommend enough how beneficial it is to speak to a therapist. It has helped me considerably. I do not know where you reside but here in Canada there are a large number of groups that provide free counselling services for women; please check them out!!

Now further to that, the fact you know you are a passive aggressive is a great start....the therapist would help you to deal with and come up with some better, more productive use of that character.

For myself, my husband was only interested in computers, gaming systems and tv....he never wanted to do anything I wanted and when he gave in, he was miserable and complained which only started a spiral response from me; guilt, anger, indifference and finally resentfulness. We slowly lost any interest or willingness to even try to do things together....which is very sad because I so enjoyed being with him.

Anyway, look into therapy....good luck Sweetie!!

Baby,
Oh, I am sorry.
I'm a much older married guy in Uk.
Really, I am hoping for a local gf and lover.
why not have a look at my profile and, if you like what you read, msg me.
Peter xx

OldPeteLuvzGrlz...thank you for the comment and the sentiment. *smiles*

Thank you wickedties for being so generous to me when I had hardly said anything.
All I can say is that I am very genuine, a very flawed human being and find myself in 2 parts on EP.
One part of me is thoroughly Christian and I will tell anybody about Jesus Christ, if they care to listen.
The other part of me the outside world, not knowing, and not wanting to know, the pain I have gone through in my career, will simply brand me as a hypocrite. You will understand why, if you look at my profile !!
I am prepared to take that from a "world" that is even more hypocritical. But Jesus Christ knows all my pain and He knows all yours, too. I don't want to push this, if you simply aren't interested, but I have found that many people, who are not interested in christianity or "churchianity" are interested in Jesus Christ.
We all have a particular set of strengths and weaknesses, and we can all, if we so choose, use our strengths to help others.
I know that, despite my deep, despite the fact that my wife, whom I love, doesn't understand certain vital aspects of me, and that is part of the pain, I know that I am one of the most fortunate human being that has ever lived. And when I think of the sufferings of many, right now, such as Syrians, North Koreans and so many more, my sufferings are as nothing.
But my profile is true to me.
Any of you, chat to me privately, if you feel I can help with your pain and you loneliness and your sense of deep loss.
Peter x

I feel your pain. Only the shoe is on the other foot and it's not quite the same. I do respect her. She's brilliant. She's caring. She is NOT sexual at all. That didn't used to be the case either. We've been married almost 25 years. Way before our 10th anniversary she began having less and less sex with me. One year I tracked on the calendar how many times we had sex. It ended up being once every 3 months.
I confronted her with it numerous times. We had discussions and arguments to no avail. Well after long while of this continued sexual abhorrence I fell. I had an affair if you will. I had sex with someone else. She found out. Now she is in this where are you where have you been control frame of mind. It's driving me crazy. She continually asks me what I'm looking at on the computer. I have to show her my computer screen.
I recently bought a new windows 8 touchscreen computer and I swipe the screen to change pages of things I'm reading, news, the market, games, etc. She doesn't trust me so much now that she thinks when she walks into the room and I swipe the screen I'm looking at something "I shouldn't be looking at".
I found a cell phone in the parking lot a couple of weeks ago. It looks to have been one of those "burn" phones. I had it in my pocket because I forgot to turn it in and she immediately assumed I had this phone and even accused me of putting a "new security code" on it. That was absurd of course.
So now after almost 25 years of marriage and building a financial security blanket with her, I'm about to toss it all away.

JLexington....I sadly know this situation all too well, except the 25 yrs marriage part. I can understand your point but I also understand her doubts all too well.

Perhaps you have read some of other stories...but one is about the guy I opened my heart to who turned around a cheated on me. Go check it out....I dont want to lecture you, you are a grown man, you must know how much your cheating hurt your wife.

But can I say one thing?? In her eyes, she is saying to herself " I spent 25 yrs being by his side, building a marriage and financial security and he was willing to throw it all away over some **** just b/c he wasn't getting enough""

That being said, I do understand your frustration in always having to explain and deal with her mistrust....it is hard to have a relationaship and always have to explain yourself and deal with her insecurities. Eventually I am sure it just becomes too much and you think about walking away yet I wonder, if you sat and thought about what & how your actions of the affair may have impacted the trust you spent 25 yrs building, the emotions and feelings of worthlessness that your wife is most likely feeling, perhaps, just maybe you might not want to throw away your marriage.

I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing.

Go for your personal happiness. Don't expect any person man or woman to make you happy, that is your responsibility to yourself. Your pain comes from all the things you have denied yourself in an attempt to have this relationship. You have given it your all now you have nothing. (I speak from experience:)) Focus on you, because you can only change yourself. Lastly leave all the other junk alone, because it will make you crazy. Treat your husband with all the kindness and respect you would any human being just know he can't give you what you need, and start preparing for the imminent separation. Accept your reality....he doesn't have it in him to give you what you need, not a crime but don't waste anymore of your life trying to change him. Go GIRL DO IT FOR YOU!!!!!

Sherrygee...thank you for your very encouraging comments! And you are right...I need to focus on me, find what makes me happy.

I will be honest, I still see my husband every month or two, we catch up over dinner or a movie and I always have a great time with him as a friend....he seems happy and that helps me know the decision was the right one all in all. Some people say I am silly getting together with him, but for me, we spent over 18 yrs together, he played a big part in my life, how do I simply throw his friendship away?? I cant.

Thank you again for your comments!!

I am total agree with you. The last time I made love to my wife, it was trying to mount a pig and the experience was less than satisfying. Self respect should dictate staying in shape but also caring how your mate views you and cares about you. When you don't get positive reinforcement in any experience, there is less desire to repeat the performance.

I'm sure a pig would have squealed better...

Charlieeasy.....I am curious, do you care about how your wife/mate views you?? Maybe she thinks the same thing about you, that part about mounting a pig that is. Just a thought.

Relationships are a two way streak....you want respect, you have to give it back. You want one to care about you & your feelings, you need to care about theirs. Your comment makes me think you dont give her respect or care, so I ask, why should she care about yours???

I hate to say this, but men lose interest in women that mother them and who are not physically fit. If you take care of yourself and look good there will always be men who will be interested in you. Body and soul.

Societyhaschanged....while I agree one should take care of themselves, I do not feel being physically fit is the be-it-all. And frankly, if my mate is loses interest in me b/c I gained some weight and no longer meet his 'physically fit' criteria then he is not a man of any worth in my eyes.

Further that, I do agree, men dont want to be mothered....so I then say, dont act like a selfish little boy and we, women, wouldn't be 'mothering' you.

Thank you for your comment.

Wow, this was posted about 3 years ago. So how is your life now. I am in a "deadend" relationship also and don't really know what to do about it. There is so much resentment and hurt and really have no desire to try to fix the relationship. No sex for 7 years and have no desire to have it with this woman. We tolerate one another but I feel cheated out of having a love experience with someone else, and that show in my marriage.

I am curious to know the rest of the story. If you would be so inclined, what happened after you wrote this. Did you just get divorced and go on with your life or did you forgive him and make it a better marriage?

Charlieeasy...my life is good, we sold our home and now live seperate lives. We remain friends, getting together every month or two. He seems happy and I am too. We are not divorced but have split assets fairly and have lived seperately for just short of 2 years.

I am sorry to hear of your relationship....but if you really do not want to fix the relationship, why be in it? why pretend?? Go be happy and let her try and find happiness.....but that being said, do it with some respect, you loved her once and she, you.

I hope you find happiness...good luck.

My marriage has been very lonley for last year and a half. It started after my sons birth and now we live in seperate rooms. My son has special needs and we have dealt with it in different ways. My husband is a good dad but in denial and beats me up emotionally about not being able to put in enough hours and money when I pressure him to spend more time with our sons therapies. It's been hard and scary to go through and manage my sons disability alone. I am expecting another baby. We didn't know the extent of our sons disability when I became pregnant. Now he travels often, comes home spends time with our son and retreats to another room after he is asleep. He won't talk to me or have conversations, ever. He has totally shut me out emotionally. I'm very much alone and can't depend on him for any emotional support. I'm so lonley that I think about joining online groups just to have someone to talk to. I'm a SAHM and my family is estranged since my sons disability. Sometimes I wish I could find a man online just to talk to me for an hour a day. No more.

Esherwin....first, thank you for opening up and sharing with me!! I am sorry that your husband has choosen to deal with the reality of your sons special needs. Unfortunately, it is common for one parent to become closed off while the other struggles to not only deal with reality but with their partners distancing.
It is a difficult situation and I am sorry to hear you are having to deal with that.

Now, your husbands emotional abus is unacceptable and he needs to realize that ASAP-

Continuation.....
In his defense, he most likely 'beata himself up' two fold! Now that doesn't justify his behaviour, not at all, but perhaps it brings some insight.

You need to find yourself a support group for parents dealing with special needs children- there are many out there. Further to that, there are many more resources and government assistance for parents of special needs now than when I was in the field ( yes, my background is special needs education- worked within the school system and private organizations for over 12 yrs). Take advantage of all there is out there- get on a respite list-

Join support groups...check online for organizations that offer educational services for parents. You need to focus on YOU and your SON....give dad a little time to sit back and realize what he does have.

I wish you luck and if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me!!

Oh, and finding a 'man to talk to for just an hour', while I understand that need, Sweetie, in the end, you are creating a can a worms you may not be able to close!! Be careful with that!

Sounds like my guy. You are lucky to be able to move on in life. Trust me, its not worth it to hang on with such people. Good luck.

Redladybird64, thank you for the comment. And yes, in the end, had I stayed in that situation I think we have grown to resent and hate each other- I couldn't let that happen. Further to that, I think we both would have made some choices that would/could hurt each other to the point there was no way to be happy.
Good luck to you too!!

It's like reading about my marriage, I know the feeling. Hope you can set free soon. Don't worry about finding someone or not. Robin Williams said. "People is afraid of being lonely but the true fear should be ending up with someone that makes you feel alone."

Icryalot...thank you for your kind words. Both him and I have moved on, yet we remain friends. It was hard to move on and at times I questioned my decisions; wondering if I had truly tried or perhaps just given up but in the end, I KNEW it was the right thing for both of us.

And I agree, you cannot focus on "not being alone" you must focus on your own happiness with oneself otherwise you are set to feel the same loneliness etc.

May I ask where your marriage stands?? How are you??

Good grief! YOu took a page outta my book! :O

Well Emerald, I am sorry to hear that. May I ask where are you currently in your book?? In essence, how are you doing?

Not in love like you should be with a mate. But we are compatible... when I don't resent his actions or deeds. I too pay the bills. Self-employed construction in our town isn't in big demand. And hubby won't expand locations. And now my job is in jeopardy due to employer's age, so I have added stress of: What happens the day there is NO income coming into home. We are held together by a son that truly needs both his parents. Divorce is expensive, and our attitudes are not explosive to each other... yet. If there was a divorce, our son is at an age that I could see his Daddy turning his young impressionable mind into believing the "leaving" was all my fault. Children at this age don't understand everything, therefore take it at face value. Me leaving or pushing Daddy out the door equals kid hating me plum into adulthood. Then hubby does something nice or great and I think: Dern, am I REALLY the b****?? Two days later... fit hits the shan again! :/

I can relate. I've been married for a long time and she is a great person (we all have our flaws) but not really interested in sex so I end up doing myself, which isn't what I long for.

Me either and i wonder if this is silly to crave sex this much at our age. Some say sacrafice yourself for the marriage but i have others who say leave?

Well, sex is sometimes just that and more often, at least for me, it is to enhance the sense of intimacy between two people. Just like adding spice to food. The food may be OK without the spice but the spice takes it to another, better dimension. But, that may just be me.

Dorobo, I agree....sex adds to ones relationship. It creates a stronger bond two; connecting them both mentally and physically. Thank you for sharing!!

WOW, I feel for you, I am mid 40 male, was married for about 10 years, last few we lived in separate rooms, we never argued or had serious issues, just were not great together, I feel that I would do anything for her but she did not want to do anything back. Finally we just move to different houses, then divorced, both happier now but I am more lonely than before.

Want2tryit45, thank you for sharing. I am sorry you have gone through a similar thing and of course, that you are feeling lonely.
When I think about it, I too am lonely at times; I wonder 'did I do the right thing?', 'was it really all that bad?' and the conclusion, I did do the right thing for we would both over time become resentful and perhaps go down a path that would hurt us both even more. Instead we are at a point were we can be friends and remember the times we shared with the fondness we should after 18+ yrs. So...while I am lonely at times, I am happy.
I am around if you want to chat sometime...

While we are no longer together, I do miss her, but sometimes we meet for dinner or something and 5 mins into it I am like, OMG its time to go, then a few months later I think, "maybe one day we will get married again"

My ex and I get together ever so often; movie or dinner. I miss him at times- he is a good man,intelligent and has a great sense of humour. Sometimes I think about all of that and wonder WTF?, and what if....but the reality is, neither of us were truly happy. He has great qualities ...and he will be a great bf/hubby for another woman, but for me, he is a great friend. Going back to our marriage would only lead to more heartbreak. It would be out of a sense of familarity and loneliness vs what a relationship and marriage should be about.

He sounds lazy! I think you made a good decision on wanting to divorce. If he has no health problems that keeps him from working,he should helpout with everything. If he still lives with you bills free his not going anywhere. Maybe you should go stay with family or friend for awhile,let him take care of himself. I hope u find happiness!

Lonelybutinlove07, we live seperately now. He grew up very differently than myself therefore we have different outlooks on life and how one goes about challenages. He has always been taken care; things just fall in his lap or at least thats what hes waiting for. I however know things don't work that way...I do have a take charge personality yet I enjoy someone taking care of me once in a while and that is simply was not a dynamic in my marriage.
That being said, he is a good man, we just
Grew apart....

You sound like a very good woman, I hope you find someone that will make you feel like his Queen. I have a good man,I think that's why I am still in the marriage. We have been together since I was 18 and now I am 36 we have 4 kids.Struggling financially has been the hardest thing on our marriage. Without God I don't think my marriage would last,

Wow....I feel like I just read all my own feelings. That I struggle with trying to say them all. Thank you so much for speaking for me. I too am feeling this way. And so don't know what to do....desperate to figure it all out!

Dohdoh40, sorry to hear you are feeling the same things I was; not a great place to be, kind of in limbo, wondering and confused, hurt and angry. I wish you happiness and all the strength to do what is right for you.

I'm back. Mr. got a really bad job and feel pretty screwed. Yeah, great question BBPeace. I like you guys. Your all pretty for real. Yeah, great question. Strong, confident and happy. Wow. I mean Feeling all three, not acting. That would be really nice. The question calls for a breakdown. Strong: In what ways? Confident: in what ways? Happy: In what ways? Secure. I'm not gonna be worth much commenting on my points of view here, since my job stinks. However; as for everyone else. Wow? Hum? Definitively, there is no universal answer to this one. O'k, here's a stupid answer. From time to time.

If that is your face in the picture, you are very pretty to me. I don't know what to tell you about your husband. He is who he is. He had a job to take leave from? Sounds like a decent job and it sounds like he is hurt. I'm 51. I have no idea what I have done or why I did what I have done for the last 34 years. The problem with marriage is that lives can get intertwined. Then when a marriage ends, things get messy. Isn't there anything that you can think of that he has done for you? Doesn't he help with what he has strengths in? Maybe; he needed your strengths to round out his strengths and weaknesses? For me; in my marriage, my wife has it so much more together than me. She has a strong family, a good job, and she is very disappointed in me. I have spent the last 30 years of my life, working in a roofing business, that I own, that never ever gets out of the red. I've given everything, but I don't have reliable, predictable income, benefits, or vacation pay. I'm a hard working dumb bell. In my defense; I worked hard as my wife worked for her degree. I never keep track when I give; and I have given everything and more. She has not given more than me in the monetary sense. She never would. What's mine is hers and what's hers is hers. We have disappointed each other in so many ways. So now I'm 51. I'm still strong, but wqith the economy in the mud, the last few years have been tough. That doesn't mean that we slowed down though. Last year; we sided the house, re-did the hardwood floors, remodeled four bedrooms and the living room, fixed the insulation and duct work in the attic, put a floor in the above garage storage, went on a few vacations and bought new cars. This year; I had 13,000.00 in December, I gave it to her. I can account for 5000.00 of it, but the rest just vanished. About a year and a half ago, I gave her 60,000.00 lump sum. This is after paying a 2000.00/mth mortgage and helping with a lot of other things like buying a new washer dryer, a new snow blower, She bought a new 1,300.00 bicycle. Anyway; it goes on like this. Still when it is winter and the 9000.00 goes unaccounted for, I am still made to feel like a loser. She makes 65,000.00/year. I have a check comming soon. I will catch up. The thing is, I would have helped her. The years; three of them before the last two. I gave her an extra 10,000.00/ year after I paid the mortgage and bought groceries and put a roof with new sheathing on the house that I got my half of the closing on (her parents gave her; her half.) I've tried; there is so much more. So, my point is-I'm a dumb ***. There is so much more. My only wish is that she could slow down, give me a chance to make good away from the horrors of being a roofing contractor. Just be kind and considerate enough to hold off on the addition she wants or something else and let me find a place where I'm not scurrying around like a rat to survive. My kids have seen it, but with some people, you just lose. So, with a little luck and some help from higher powers, I will find my way. I can't help but wonder though. How messed up am I?

Scotex....first thank you for sharing!
After reading your comments all I can say is STOP giving her money...open your own account, deposit your cheque there and when she asks for money tell her to give you all the details and who to make the cheque out to. Tell her you are taking on more responsibility and that its not fair she has to do it all....she will stand back and be a bit confused, maybe upset, but it would better for you to take more initative. She does sound as if she may take advantage of your giving ways and is well, selfish in what she wants and perhaps even has a time clock going as to when she wants it done by.
You need to take control of your money/fiances before you (or her) run yourself into the ground and you both end up resenting each other.
Money sadly does play a major role in the breaking up of many very healthy relationships.

Be strong!!

I was/ am in that position as well. But mine is worse. Exactly as you said, being responsible financially and all other decisions except all the ones he'd make on his own that were big F*** -ups I'd have to fix.
Our sex life was strained for that reason, I couldn't share my body with him, Cause every time I would, he'd come clean about some other way he sunk our ship. Sometimes he'd try to force himself on me while I was sleeping. And that only disgusted me more.
I did the worse thing I could do. I went to an online chat.
I was lonely. I just wanted to feel like I mattered.
At first I never told anyone who I Truly was. Just went on to hang out in Public rooms to chat about regular stuff to escape my depression. Until I met a guy that I fell deeply for.
I know..... this was bad.
I cheated emotionally with him. I feel very guilty. But this person made me feel special, all the things my husband did not. Telling me how he would treat me if I were his....etc... All the things a woman would want to hear.
I tried to talk to my husband before things got this point to fix things, stop messing up.
I know Money isn't everything, but I feel like my hard work wasn't valued. And I feel Robbed.
I disrespected him now too, and disrespected myself to get into this mess, and by doing what I did.
Part of me still has feelings for this other guy. Even though we don't really talk anymore.
My Husband found out about him, and said he would forgive me for it, but part of me doesn't want him to. We made deals that i wouldn't talk online, if he did things to fix his situation. He failed so I let myself fail because I was so Angry.
I feel like we were already over a long time ago. When he decided other people / things were more important than me and his kids, (he made huge financial decisions to help his "friends" and his business), and when I selfishly cheated.

I too am in a similar situation. Sexless marriage, sleep in seperate rooms. Been married 25 yrs, kids are grown up too. Now is the time marriage and being happy should be on "Cruise control!! She had drained the savings account, I never cheated on her. What a mess. Any suggestions... Girl??

Crowbar53...wow, 25 years! And yes, sadly I relate to the sexless marriage and living as roommates rather as the husband and wife we were.
Now, I cannot tell you what to do, but if you are not happy, and the damage is too far done, essentially you have to look at whether you can continue in that relationship any longer. Ask yourself if you feel you have really tried to make it work and can you walk away knowing you tried with no regrets?? Essentially you have to determine what will make YOU happy....money/children should not be a part of that decision. And while I do understand children and money can factor into the decision process, it should not be the sole reason one continues in a relationship that is simply unhappy.
This makes me think of something my grandma used to always say to me "It is easy to make decisions, its the following through with that decision that is hard!"
That seems an appropiate thought at this time..yes?!?

Grandma was a smart lady. Yes, I finally did it and am now divorced. I have no *Crystal ball* to look into the future, but I'm glad I'm not going "Backwards" !!! Only time..will tell what happens.

Your a smart girl, and a survivor. Someday you'll find the right guy. Best of luck. You earned it!! Crowbar

Wow can I relate! I'm in a similar situation. He is on the couch until we can afford to separate. He still wants to make it work...but its too late. I'm done. I'm tired of always being the one to bail us out. Thanks for sharing this.

Wendyk..... I completely understand. For my husband I believe that conditioning came into play; his parents struggled financially and instilled that money was not important. And while that is very admirable, it does create issues when an adult and the bill collectors are knocking at the door. Further to that, as he always said, life comes easy- everything as came easy for him....yeah b/c his family was always there for him to help out. Once I got in the picture, I helped out.
I am a natural organizer and well, I get **** done....cant help it.....so when the rent needed to be paid and he was short, I covered it

And it was only natural that manifested into other aspects of our lives....in essence I enable him. But could I have done differently? I mean its my name/credit that was also affected; my life and space that is also impacted by his procrastinating....**** has to be done and if he doesnt do then I have, right?!?!
Yup, I understand.

Yup! It is sad but true. I enabled him. He never had to grow up because he had me to be his Mommy.

Yup...and as I told him when he would complain about our lack of intimacy..' mommy doesnt do her son' . Yes it is a bit crude but he got the point!!

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dear wickedties...I think I can feel through you...you love him and you still do but you have grown more mature and he still remains as a little child! you love him yet have to leave him for him to grow....more ambitious , more drive...more naughty and adventurous and yet still loving towards you...caught hold of you and playfully spank you and hold you tight and said...don't worry I'll take care of the bills! Since you're going on a movie date enjoy yourself and encourage him to grow by praising what you like...I sense HOPE!

wonder how you fall for him in the first place...Ifeel you really put in a lot of effort to make things work.too much like mum...Ifeel you are a kind person but you just can't get thru to him...wellit takes 2 to make relations work...perhaps you can try one more time with his participation...before quitting!

thank you Faithfullover....and while it would be easy to blame him for all, I cannot. We both at fault and perhaps in his eyes I did not try enough. I often wonder if he does but also wonder if he feels I gave up on him - which is a painful thought. We are friends and we hang out once every month or so (infact we are doing a movie tonight) and I LOVE being his friend. I often look at him and wonder 'did I do the right thing?' And my answer is YES- for me and him!
I have done alot of thinking about the why's; why did we get married in the first place?...b/c I did love him, respected him and saw what a great man he was however, upon reflection I have realized I was not in love with him
-which is important to a marriage. I felt I was lucky a man like him was in love with ME, wanted a relationship with ME and in turn wanted a life with ME. Thought I was stupid if I didnt marry him...as a result, we married and it was very good until year 7 and then slowly it began to crumble. But now we are happy (I think) and we can be friends....he will always be a part of my life, he is too important not to be but just not as husband & wife.

It is amazing how soo many people feel the way I do. I don't feel so alone! :-)

WPeace...it is true you are NOT alone but sadly that means others feeling the same emptiness.

Well from your pic I don't think you'll have a prob finding someone else but people can change if they try but doesn't sound like your marriage can ever be repaired but who knows maybe I'm wrong

Saskguy....I agree, I think people can change, the key however is that they have to WANT to change! And while I believe he did but yet he didn't want to put in the effort, sadly.

Yea didn't sound like he would and not sure why if that's you in the pic your a hottie

Well I think for a long time he thought it would all work out; she'll talk about it, be upset for a little bit but then be fine, kinda a waiting game for him really. However, when he realized that I wasn't gonna calm down and this was real, he tried for a whole of two weeks and then he was right back to the way he was. So....I take from that he wanted to work on it as long as it didn't require any actual work/effort and sadly, that wasn't okay with me.

And yes that is me in the pic, thank you.

Yea sounds like he tried to placate you for a not then back to normal hoping you'd forget about it

Yes, Saskguy, I believe that is indeed was what he was hoping for. He has since told me he took me granted- which means alot that he said it but in the end, w/o effort nothing would change for the better.

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Sorry...but I think you are right. This one is over. Keep the good you see in him and move on. :( I know easier said then done.

Oh...you did move on. Congrats for taking control of your life. :) I get so tired of people in relationship blaming the other person. You either work at it or you leave, it your decision. No one is to blame, life is not always fair or right...you just have to work with what you have.

Yes I agree with you...if one isnt happy, work on it or move on. Being an adult means sometimes making decisions that will be hard &/or painful. Thank you for your comments!

So true!!!!!!!

I know exactly how you are feeling right now, dear. I'm bungee-jumping with too long a cord in my relationship, and every time I hit bottom I would try to find some way to fill the hole in my heart, trying to use chocolate as an antidepressant, cigarettes for a mood stabilizer, alcohol as a sleep inducer... all of which had only fleeting benefits and long-term consequences. Now I bounce back and forth between thinking things will work and being so lonely I want out so bad, but who the hell would ever want to be with a fat, middle-aged smoking nerd? (at least I wasn't stupid enough to keep up the bedtime brandy, I'm not programmed to enjoy drinking thank goodness) It's resonating with the feeling of being unlovable caused by the abuse and neglect I've been through. I hope you are wiser and decide to make the break, I hope you're wiser than me and decide the sharp pain is fleeting but will eventually become the cure. I hope you read my words and see there are men around who are learning the same wisdom you are and they would be honored to share a healthy relationship with you.

You do have the right, and I hope you have the strength - to forgive him in his repentance, but still strong enough to deliver the consequences. I see you know he has regret but are also wise enough to see he will never learn. I wish I were that strong...

Thank you for sharing....i am sorry however as to the content.. .I will say you cannot let that thinking "who'll ever want a fat nerd" first off, MANY women LOVE nerds!! And secondly, your size/weight, well that is temporary......besides many women dont care about size. My husband was small and nerdy and the man I currently am seeing is a large man and he is sexy and wonderful!!
The point is, wouldnt you be happier on your own than being with someone who causes you pain/doubt?? You'd be amazed how life really can be!

Indeed. And thanks for the pep talk. At my low points I've chanted "I'd rather be lonely because I am alone" almost like a mantra. Glad you are well (and I need to pay more attention to the dates!)

Lol...Nerdalot, I too forget to take note of dates and then theres days when I think I responded yet when I come back to a story, nope!! Lol.

And anytime.....hit me up whenever you might want/need a pep talk or simply just wanna chat!!