How Did I Get Here?
I guess I'm at a pretty low point. I feel embarassed and ashamed to be putting this out there to the masses...most areas of my life are "under control". I'm very successulf in my career and have been married 22 years. But, I am so lonely, like nothing I've ever felt in my life. My husband and I were married for 13 years before we had our first child. When I was about 3 months pregnant I found out he was having an affair. We went to marriage counselling and things seemed to get happier. We decided to have a second child, and when I was 5 months pregnant, I found out he had continued the affair. I found out when the other women showed up at my doorstep to tell me all about the other life he was leading. At the time, I had just been promoted and we were relocating. He told me he loved her. Again, we went to counselling. At the time, he was diagnosed with chronic depression and bi-polar disorder.
Fast forward 6 years later. He was busted for smoking pot in a random drug test at work and was put in a special program (he is a nurse). I had surgery on my foot, and he took some of my pain meds and was busted again. He went back to a rehab program (this was about 2 months ago).
I just keep supporting him financially and emotionally. He tells me that I seem mad all the time, and so it is my fault that things are the way they are. I work, have to travel for my work, support the family financially, do most all the housework, and pay others to do what I can't do myself. I am mad a lot of the time because most all of the responsibilities lie on my shoulders. I wish I could have fun, but I don't know when that would happen...I don't have any time for me.
Regardless of being at a director level in a Fortune 100 company with a great income, I feel like a big fat loser. No matter how hard I work, no matter how much I try to do with my kids, no matter how forgiving I believe I've been, no matter how successful I am in my career or the amount of money I make, I am so lonely. I do not share any of this with friends and family. Even reading my story makes me feel so pathetic.
I wish I could find someone to have an affair with, no strings attached, just to feel alive again. And I know that is so crazy. It's totally against my values, but I want to feel again. He is such a great father, and we have such a great time together as a family. Telling my children we are divorcing would be the worse thing I can imagine in life...even worse than being lonely.