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Please Help & Tell Me What Is Happening??

February 19-2010
Someone Please Tell me what is going on & what I should do. I am at a loss & speechless & I don’t know which way to turn anymore.
I thought everything between my husband & myself was going well. We have had lots of issues in the past which I have discussed a little on this site.
Ive been trying so hard & thought I had made a lot of positive changes, but I was wrong. The last few weeks (3) I have been trying to open up & talk about my feelings, at the suggestion of a therapist, in order to explain to my husband why I have some of the feelings I have & what in the past has hurt me to make me feel the way I do. BIG mistake!! I’ve made things worse then ever!
All we have been doing is fighting. I am at a loss. The recent stresses of our relationship involves his ex-wife. The beginning of last year he lost his job & was put on unemployment and has not be successful at finding a job. After we went in to have child support & maintenance modified we fell behind on payments. We have to maintain insurance take care of a lot of things & its been hard. Anyway, his ex took us to court (the first time for this) & the judge found him in contempt & we had to pay about $9,000., which included a large portion of money which was accumulating while wating for a reduction. He had 30 days to pay this or 6 months in jail, while on unemployment. It took everything we had & then some to do this. This was a few months ago, we are not again going to court and she is trying to get him thrown in jail again for falling behind.
The reason I am mentioning this is because this is a small summary of what we have been dealing with when it comes to his ex & its whats causing a lot of probems. We have two children in our home one who is turning one. This is causing problems in all areas.
I have been so stressed that I have been emotional & a wreck. He gave her everything in the divorce so theres no negotiations when it comes to property, etc. We have to come up with cash.
All we are doing is fighting, I have been upset also that when he was negotiating his divorce I told him not to do what he was doing & give her all that she was asking for because it would cause problems later. He ignored me & did it anyway & now everything I told him would happen is & now not only did we fight because he was listening to his soon to be ex instead of me, his fiancé but we are now fighting because of the choices he made & how it is effecting us & our children.
One of our fights within the past week was because his son from his previous marriage, who we have no contact, sent an email lecturing & belittling him & telling him how they want nothing to do with me because they feel Im a bad person, they don’t even know me to say that!
Anyway, I got upset & started asking questions & was very upset about this email & other things that were going on. Another fight started & it got really bad! I asked him why he made the choices he made & listened to his ex & did things her way instead of discussing it with me since all the choices he made would affect our future. I came out & asked if he had feelings for her, he went ballistic. He stated he needed to go for a drive, something he only does when we argue about her. I asked him why & his reply to me was “What, do you think I’m gonna go jerk off thinking about that *****”? I then lost it wondering where that came from. He went outside & I followed him. He told me to leave him alone & I wanted to know why he said what he did. I had just told him how it hurt when during a fight in the past he told me he would go rent a room from her to get away from me. Ive never done anything to hurt him, I don’t understand it anymore.
After he told me to go back inside, I refused wanting to know why he said what he did. He took me by my hair & arm & dragged me into the house & threw me on the floor. I kept asking him “what did I do, why are you doing this” everytime I tried to get up he’d hold me down & get more aggressive with me, he was hurting me. I cried & he didn’t stop until he was out of breath from holding me down.
He apologized & said it wasn’t my fault but I shouldn’t throw things in his face. A few days later he was on the phone with an attorney trying to make arrangements to meet with one & when he was explaining to the attorney what was transpiring, he again called his ex his wife. This upset me because it has happened in the past (recent) & I don’t understand how someone could make a mistake like this hes married to me. I realize its only been two years but I don’t know what to think.
Today, again we have been trying to deal with all of this & arguing about it. Today, we were notified of another contempt of court his ex is taking us to court for. This put us both on edge. We have to come up with a lot of money in a week and a half to keep him again out of jail. His unemployment has run out so everything has to be modified again. Anyway, we were getting a check in about a week & I got upset because the first thing he stated was that we had to send his ex money. Im worried about the thousands of dollars we have to come up with in a week and a half & now scared about this new thing. I got pissed & said “How nice shes the first thing you worry about”. I was upset, I shouldn’t have been. Well, because I was upset I tried to call my friend who was helping us with the money for this upcoming case I was upset that we need the money & his ex is the first person he thought about, that’s how I felt.
When this happened we were in the car driving through a neighborhood that was not the best. He pulled over on a side street told me “**** it, this isn’t worth it-we are done-were getting a divorce” he put the car in park got out & started walking, our one year old was in the back seat of the car. I got out of the car & asked him where he was going & why he was doing this. He said he was sick of everything. We argued on the side of the road, he then got the stroller out & started walking down the street with the baby, which I of course followed & we argued over this how hes sick of hearing me complain about giving his ex all this money & the problems surrounding that. We ended up walking back to the car & went home. He first said that he wanted a divorce because it was best for me & I didn’t do anything to deserve this or how his kids with her treat me. After awhile he didn’t want to divorce anymore . I don’t know what to do anymore. Im not allowed to talk about my feelings, complain, nothing. If I get upset & talk about something to much it causes problems.
With what I just described which isn’t even close to telling anyone everything that is going on, what is going on? What does this sound like is happening? I don’t understand what im doing wrong anymore.

jc5273 jc5273 36-40, F 3 Responses Feb 19, 2010

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I wish there was someone I could talk to but there is not. Im at the point in our relationship where i dont know if I should just give up or what? Theres always some sort of issue going on but it an issue that surrounds his past and how they are affecting us right now. im at a loss on what to do anymore.

JC I read what you wrote, there was no mention with you having any problems with him paying his child support. There is no defense to his actions, nor was it called for. Look I'm a male and fortunately I came from a deep rooted family. My father had always told me that if ever you felt mad or angry with your wife, walk outside and get some air, never say somting you can never take back. That is such a profound things to say and he knew exactley what he was talking about.

Ginnybean32...you obviously misunderstood what i wrote or maybe because i was upset when i wrote it i did not come across properly! I have never stated or said anything about having a problem with him having to pay child support-i am the only one working right now and i have actually been the one paying it up until recently when we found out we have some issues with our baby that needs attention. his unemployment has been eliminated and we are both concerned about this rightfully so. i was upset because i borrowed money from someone to pay his ex wife so he doesnt go to jail and i was upset that the money that i had borrowded to set aside for him to give to her again so he doesnt go to jail, he wanted to take a few weeks out of it to give to her for child support since he has not been able to pay but in doing so would mean that we would not have the purge amount that is due in a week to keep him from going to jail! i had told him since she is first filing on one issue we need to focus that and get that behind us then with the attorneys that i hired to help us through this deal have them deal with that after this since there is different issues and different court dates. i wrote this on this site because i dont know what to do, im scared i have supported him 100% and have been there for him.l<br />
So i deserve to be hit or beat up-him being summoned to court im also included in that. i also have no idea what your talking about in the sex department since i didnt say anything about that.

Another thing when my husband pulled over & got out of the car & was screaming at me for being upset about what I had said he continued to yell at me & started calling his ex a C... -our 1yr old was in the car. He started walking & I kept telling him to calm down & get in the car but he kept saying he wanted a divorce & told me to get the f in the car. Before he went & got the baby out of the car & yelled that if I wouldnt go get in the car he was going to go back & call the police & tell them there was a baby in the car. I dont know what is going on-What should i do? What is happening? Am I causing this? He said that he acts that way & gets physical because of me & I cause it?