My Wife Doesn't Understands Me

i am married for the past  four years and we know each  other for the past five years.But  these four years (after the marriage) has been test years for me.The understanding between us is pathetic...If i am happy in some event she will not  .This is not because she does it intentionally but she could not understand my feelings associated with the event. for ex if i get excited to start a business after reading a good business story she will never appreciate or boost my feelings rather show concerns or will completely ignore. She does not understand when i am happy or what make me sad...

My lady is self centric and highly possessive and wants full attention and service from my side every time..she many times treat me as servant and not as husband...she does not like any one (even my parents and sisters) coming close to me...she does not respect  me as a person and always curses me for my financial status(which is very good in fact!). .....What ever be the fault,i m held responsible eventhough i was not at all linked! 

The words are less to describe my pain as i have been trying my level best to maintain the relationship.

Any suggestions!

mysteriousman mysteriousman
36-40, M
11 Responses Feb 25, 2010

I understand you as I have similar problems myself, and I am also quite desperate in terms of what to do.

My wife and I are very different and we ended up together from very unusual circumstances. I won't go into all of that now, but I can say that we are kind of 'stuck' together for different reasons.

I liked her in the beginning and still do, but we have so different interests and I feel no support from her towards my interests, even though I try to show interest and help her in her field.

I feel very depressed at times and feel lonely with her, but lonelier without her. Don't know what to do. I have had many girlfriends in my life, but not managed to keep any of them, except my wife. Some I broke up with and some broke up with me.

Sometimes I wonder if she is only with me because of the 'stuck' reason (which will be amended soon), or if she actually loves me. We are from different countries and cultures and had she been from my country and we had been together under 'normal' circumstances I would have broken up with her a long time ago. Now though, we have come so far together (7 years) that I don't know what to do. She is not very eager on children, but I would like a family at this point.

I also have had anger issues, but not with her, though, it is usually only at myself, but sometimes with her as a witness. I have tried to improve that and have gotten much better.

I am an artistic guy and am self employed, while she is studying very hard to get a good job, and I have been supporting her for all this years. It doesn't feel good.

Don't know if reading this helps you in any way, but sometimes it helps at least to know that one is not alone.

I try to meditate and focus positively, and it does help. Sometimes, though, I get buried in lots of dark thoughts about what I think is wrong with her and our relationship. It can get overwhelming, and I am at the brink of breaking up and letting it all go. But then I'll be alone again, which isn't very good for me either. I try to meditate and be comfortably alone in my own company, but I function best with someone else there.

Actually, the best 'method' I have discovered to cope with all of this is to think of her as a friend that I happen to live with, instead of a spouse.

When I do that it becomes much easier to relate to her as all my 'perfect relationship' dreams is then not relevant. She is just a friend.

I guess I have too high standards. After all, she seems satisfied even though we are different with different interests. She copes fine. But again, I am wondering sometimes if that is just because I support her. I don't give her much money, though, but she lives for free and I pay all the bills.

Life isn't easy and nothing is perfect. Improving one self is good and right, but at one point one have to make demands of the other part as well.

Good luck.

where are you from? and where are you currently located?

Where are u from? i am a guy aged 33....What abt u

thanks sanafateel for ur help....by this sentence "may i suggest you try counseling",i understand that u like to help me by discussing my problems...am a right?....in case i have misunderstood i am sorry .please clarify

I am sorry to hear of your problems. I can tell you that no one can change someone else as much as you try to help them unless they are willing to change themselves. I know this from personal experience - If you want to save your marriage or try to, I should say, may I suggest you try counseling? that is the only offer I have I am afraid. Best Wishes to you and your decisions for your future.

Hi...I don't think any outsider can guide you regarding this matter...marriage is such a sensitive issue,you alone can solve the puzzle!!<br />
But I agree that there is a limit to one's patience..........

thanks aliva...for being so optimistic....thanks konsuelo for supporting me...<br />
I was trying to save my marriage but now just few days back i have taken a stand and has become firm.I have clearly communicated her that enough is enough! it is not just a matter of some days but of many years we have to live together therefore now the ball is in her court...i hope some things will change....coz i have done what i can but she has no rights to spoil my life when i have changed for her....please suggest ..i appreciate comments all of u as there is no one to guide me and help me..<br />
Thanks.

You know English isn't my native language, but i will try to explain my feelings about your post. When people love each other they demand nothing to each other, they wish to give to dear person more just because they love. There where the reproaches and requirements begin the love comes to an end. I feel sorry about your marriage. But while your wife will not want to change herself nothing will be adjusted. It is my opinion. <br />
<br />
I hope you will be happy! Best wishes :)

I called it strange just because her behavior seemed strange to me.........you are trying your best,hopefully someday she would understand all the efforts you are putting in to save the marriage.

y do say it "strange"....can u please explain?... In my case i made it clear that she is possesive and self centric...and hence thinks just for herself.....what should i do ? i know that i cant change her or myself completely,then should just take a stand and convey hw my life has become miserable?

I don't think anyone can change their spouse until they willingly want to change themselves,sorry to know about your strange married life.

thanks for appreciating my efforts ...u know what i am really feeling good that there is some one who understands me...thanks;thats wht i can say...i am working in a good rank and has good social status..she is also working in a good company and earns somewhat lesser than me...Still she has grudges with my financial status, the place where we stay...the way i work,speak....why? i mean is all the girls behave the same way...are they highly self centeric and highly possesive...i have lost my freedom...i have to think (dare in fact) to invite my friends on some day evenings for a get together...why? is that something is wrong with my personality?...let me give some insights about me..<br />
i am simply ..intelligent and hardworking guy passed out from a premiere institute...<br />
i have secure and high salary job...<br />
i am caring and even help my wife by cooking at least 50 -60% of the food frequently as i understand that she is also working..<br />
i love listening songs and write blogs..and is slightly verbose.<br />
Thinks very rationally and logically and is emotionally inclined<br />
Is philosophical in nature and spiritually inclined<br />
maintains good relations with my friends and dear ones..<br />
bad quality ...some times get frustrated and angry ..has taken immense actions to control..<br />
some what careless (30%)<br />
straight forward <br />
<br />
i have introspected myself a lot and has improved a lot ...but still has not received any appreciation from my wife..<br />
I have gifted her many costly gifts on special occasions and has taken her on holiday s on my expense ..(i dont like to behave materlistic.. i hate those people who are materialistic..wht a pitty)<br />
what else a husband can do to get love ?<br />
i am actually fed up.. <br />
I need help..please suggest hw to change her...? and give me feedbacks about the questions i have asked....please!