Married Too Young, Lonely, And Contemplating Divorce

I posted this in response to another post but I'm reposting here in hopes to find an answer or inspiration to either move on or stay with him. Here's my story:

I married way too young - at age 20. I'm now 30. I fell deeply in love with him to the point of obsession. I can't stand him now. We've since grown apart tremendously. Throughout the years, we grew into different people (more so on his end). He's had sex with so many women in our relationship, he’s lost count! Thank GOD, no STD's! My one affair and 2 close male friendships (that didn't involve sex) were for him way more than he can bear. In his eyes, it was as though I had sex with a million guys as he brings it up constantly and never lets it down. I’m constantly belittled and tormented by him. He's also been physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive. But if you ask him, he would excuse all of his actions as justifiable with absolutely no remorse!

 We have 2 children (7 and 9). We're both financially set and I've completed my education so I feel fulfilled in that respect. However, I'm miserable and desperately want out. The only things keeping us together are our children and financial lifestyle. I do love him and they do see the love between us (at least I hope so). And maybe I'm lying to myself but I feel as though I'd be doing less damage to them staying with him then to break up our family.

We also have a close knit group of family and friends. I'm ashamed to admit this but I wouldn't want to distort their perception of what appears on the surface as a happy marriage. I feel as though if I were to go through a divorce, I would be failing my kids and everyone around me. I'm not afraid of being alone but I wouldn't want to have my kids' lifestyle that they're now accustomed to, to suffer financially.

Another critical part is that I grew up in a dysfunctional home where my parents argued and fought almost on a daily basis. But they stuck together and are still married. So it makes me feel as though I should stick it out and maybe he'll change. He hasn't been the man I fell in love with a year into our relationship...why should I really expect him to change? I'm in denial...and I feel so defeated.

We’re going through marriage counseling now but I am hopeless that anything will change for the better. This is my last resort. I’m contemplating to either a) stay with him for another 10 years until our kids are more mature to cope with divorce or b) move on with my life now or c) become optimistic that someday/somehow we’ll have a healthy, long-lasting marriage. Any suggestions?

MrsSadface MrsSadface
26-30, F
7 Responses Mar 10, 2010

It looks to me that each of you are working to save the marriage but that you both are still in the blame stage. You have to understand why each of you decided to have an affair (in the mind...anyway). Do each of you do this just for the sex or because you don't feel loved? Some other reason? Other issues? You will have to resolve each issue with understanding. Then the hardest part...THE FORGIVENESS. Can each of you forgive the other? If this can be done, you can save the marriage. If not its better to divorce. Best wishes!

marriage is a two way street and trying to mend it alone will only drive you and your children completly mad. my advice to you is not to indulge his madness that he seems to thrive in......ignore hhis accusations and he might stop if he doesnt prepare to move on...you cannot trade your childrens lifetime psycholgical well being for good financial standing...

Since my last post, it's been very rocky to say the least. So we had "the talk." We managed to get through it without killing each other and somehow came to an understanding for once. We agreed to work on our relationship. Throughout the week, I started to see some improvement but it didn't take long for him to revert to his old ways. He's very manipulative and a downright jerk! He's very nasty to me even in the presence of our children. He's constantly putting me down in front of others. My kids are torn over this. Lately, my oldest son who's 7 has been coming home with notes from school about misbehavior which is completely unlike him. My youngest son tells me that he's sad and how much he hates it when we fight. Even with the doors closed, the kids are still aware of our arguments. So the only improvement now is that we've chosen to go outside and fight in the car. That's our newly designated area of heated debates. This is no way to live. I'm at my wits end. I've tried my best to remain positive and optimistic but enough is enough. He's stubborn, refuses to let go of our past, and wants to put me through hell as a result of it. He has no real intention of making our marriage work. I've pleaded with him to at least be cordial for the sake of the kids. He refuses. He's bitter and wants the whole world to know how bitter he is even at the expense of our children's happiness. I can't take this anymore! I want to scream.....ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

wait, did I miss something? You both are having sex outside of the marriage? Or is it he who has had the sex outside of the marriage. If so, HELL YEAH, your pissed and you resent him and you SHOULD! I'm sorry, but pack you and your kids up and move on! Build a life for you and your kids. Don't go looking for someone else as the baggage will find you and it will repeat itself.

We have also been attending counseling and I am finding that the biggest benefit has been the discussions we have had outside of the counseling sessions. I am not sure what I expected but we have both seen little result from our sessions.<br />
This marriage thing is a tricky road to travel. There are so many expectations that we place on ourselves and that we allow society to place on us. What we thought before we were married about each other does not always seem to be true after a few years down the road. <br />
The advice you got from kjsgk1 is sage advice from someone so young. It is true- the most important thing is to acknowlege the other's feelings. You do not have to always agree, but you must remember that we are all entitled to our feelings and that they are just that- feelings. the other person got there somehow and the task is to figure out how.<br />
It is not a one way street,. There can be no blame or recriminations for talking about these feelings and emotions. It is hard work and difficult to do when you feel hurt. It takes a great deal of self-control to do.<br />
I do not think that I believe that there is always a magic fix . You have to decide for yourself if you think that it is worth the effort and decide to continue.<br />
Staying together for the sake of staying together and putting up appearences though is risky at best. You need to decide what is more important to you- the appearance or your sanity.

Thank you both so much!! Collectively, you've made a positive difference in my life! Sadly, I've gotten more out of this post than any marriage counseling session I've attended. <br />
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At this point in our marriage, we barely speak to each other. Since marriage counseling, we've had to relive issues that have brought back old feelings of disgust and bitterness towards each other. We don't hate each other but much like strangers, we're distant and cordial towards each other. There's no intimacy, affection, or anything. Although I do love him, I have a lot of contempt in my heart for him and I dread being around him.<br />
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On his end, he feels as though any wrongdoing on his part is justifiable. He shows no remorse whatsoever and has clearly gotten over anything he's done to damage our relationship. He blames me for everything -- from driving him to cheat (with dozens of women) to the downfall of our marriage. He also feels that he's done all he can to make it work and that I should be the one making the effort. His only effort towards repairing our marriage is attending marriage counseling. In my opinion, he's simply tolerating me and marriage counseling for the sake of our kids.<br />
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My kids are the center of my life and my reason for living. I try to limit any exposure to them of our deteriorating relationship but as you stated, they are very perceptive. I try to overcompensate by hugging and kissing them constantly and reassuring them that Mommy and Daddy loves them. When I'm around them, I'm happy, go-lucky but when I'm alone, I'm bitter and sad. I try to not revolve happiness around him but that's proving to be quite difficult. I plan on communicating my feelings with him using the steps you've outlined but I'm doubtful that anything positive will come from it. I'll keep you posted on the outcome of it (keeping fingers crossed).<br />
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As far as what anyone else thinks, it's a hard concept to come by, but I agree. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He's taken initiative to reach out to some of our friends to tell his side of the story. I don't care to explain myself to anyone so if they judge me based on what he tells them, then so be it. <br />
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Moonlitknight30, I'm sorry to hear about your pain. Reading your story has inspired me to make it work. I would never want my children to carry that burden throughout their lives. So thank you for that. By the way, I'm glad to hear that you've chosen to work on your marriage. No one's perfect and although it may have been a difficult choice, you made the right one! Best of luck with that.<br />
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Thanks again for your feedback as it has been of tremendous value. At the very least, I know now that divorce is not the answer and I will try my best to make it work. I'm cautiously optimistic that we can save our marriage.

It really depends on how much effort you BOTH are willing to put into this marriage. More times than not, there's a communication issue. Be sure you are communicating your feelings in a way that will not corner him and encourage him to share his thoughts. Be calm and if it starts to escalate, try showing him that you do not want to argue, that you just want to have a talk with him. Or if there was a misunderstanding, calmly explain. If there is no remedy to either his or your own temper, ask for a little time to cool down and collect your thoughts before approaching the subject again.<br />
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It might also help to explain what you would like to gain out of a talk before you begin to have one.<br />
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ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS acknowledge his feelings. Never ever approach a delicate issue with an accusing manner. Try to be understanding.<br />
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As for your infidelity... it is obvious he is not over it. You have to think of what can be done to make this less painful for him. Or you can ask him if there is anything you can do to make him more comfortable with the past.<br />
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The children are a big factor in your decision, it seems. Maybe you could go out as a family once a week. Do something fun. Relax around each other.<br />
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If you can't make love in the marriage work, just get along until the children can handle divorce. Getting along is better than being abusive toward each other, especially since your receptive children are watching. They understand more of what goes on than you think. Just be civil, and show your babies how strong their parents are.<br />
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You don't have to lie to yourself or anyone else. One thing more embarrassing than the truth is being caught in an attempt to cover it up. Don't worry about anyone outside your immediate family your issue is not with your cousins, friends, neighbors, parents, in-laws. Your issue is inside the walls of your home.<br />
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Every relationship needs maintenance or check ups - even the happy ones. Dedicate some time to the health of your relationship with your husband, and it is likely your whole life will gain something from it. No need to be embarrassed. Just do what is necessary, and life should begin to become easier. =)