I Am Married But Love Someone Else
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. The first 5 years of our marriage was good. He used to be such a kind and considerate man and would put my needs above his. He was not perfect though by any means, but I loved him deeply. He was the youngest child in his family and the only son, so to say he was spoiled and self-centered is an understatement. However, he always managed to keep that in check.....until. He decided that he wanted to be a police officer. So, with my support, he embarked on making that happen. Once he got that badge, I ceased to exist and his ego to front and center stage. I think he felt as powerful as God. He began neglecting me in the bedroom, telling me about all the women he could have, and how I was lucky to have him. We had terrible arguments and he would be so cruel and so mean. He has never been physically abusive, but the mental abuse is just as bad. I used to pine after him and beg for his attention. I did that for years and all I did was cry all of the time. I bought books, dvds, played songs for him that spoke to how I felt, got him to go to marriage counseling - you name it! I was desperate to save my marriage and "make" him love me.
About two years ago, that all changed. The tears stopped and became replaced with coldness, bitterness, and anger. He could still make me cry if I thought about it, but I didn't cry about our relationship like I used to. Eventaully, I shut down completely. I totally closed myself off from him. It was the only way I felt no pain. It was the only way I could cope. He never thought we had a problem in our marriage until then, and he just could not understand why I had become so cold. I was dead inside and I hated it. We have a child together (who came along before the issues) and I have always been determined to stay. However, now I just go through the motions. There is nothing between us and I do not love him any more. I have told him this, but he doesn't seem to care. He has a live-in personal assistant, why should he? I know I will have to be the one to undo this marriage, but I am just not ready to do that because of our son.
With all of that being said, about 7 months ago, through chance and through a mutual associate, I had a phone conversation with another man. It was just a casual conversation and there were no intentions on either side. Due to the situation at the time, he and I had to talk semi-frequently. All the conversations were pleasant and friendly, but nothing more than that (though I admit, I enjoyed talking to him). As we continued talking, the conversations became more personal - meaining about politics, religion, family, our kids, etc., and we had a lot in common. This man and I live 2300 miles away from each other and have never met. He is also married with two children like I am and has been married for almost the same amount of time. Our conversations eventually resulted in an exchange of Facebook addresses and we became friends there. We would occasionally message each other through FB and not long after that, we exchanged personal phone numbers. We both had expressed our mutual attraction to each other, but we both understood (and still do) that neither would change their circumstance for the other. He knew my situation was complicated and rough, and I knew his children would keep him in his marriage.
We both fill a void in each other's life. Since we have only "met" through pictures and conversations, our connection is absolutely beyond physical. I had not smiled in so long until I met him. I had not felt anything but pain in so long, I had truly forgotten what "happiness" felt like. In my day to day life, there are only a couple of people who (a) I can be myself around; and (b) who knows (and wants to know) the real me. I can be myself around him and he likes me for who I am. My husband has an expectation of who I am supposed to be. What's saddens me is that he really has no clue who I am - how could he when the majority of his life has revolved around him? Mr. Man and I still have never met each other, but neither of can deny how strong the connection is between us. We have so much in common and we are attracted to each other for so much more than the physical (though, he is a cutie). When we cannot talk, I miss him so much. My chilren and him are really the only things that put a smile of my face. We recently have tossed around the "L" word to each other, but not in the traditional sense. That word scares me and I denied it at first, but I can't any more....I am in love with this man! I can honestly say that no other has ever made me feel the way that he does.
I should feel guilty about it all, but I don't. I feel happy and confident for the first time in a decade. We are planning on meeting within the next year. I hope to be happily divorced by that time and finding myself again. If I am not, it will not change anything. My long-distance man has made me feel alive for the first time in years. A part of me almost finds it cruel that we came to know each other, but I am thankful. We both know that we can never be together. Even if there weren't spouses, our jobs would keep us miles apart. It just can never be. But I appreciate what he has given me - a part of myself back that I had forgotten about. He has help give me the confidence I needed after years of neglect and abuse to stand up for myself. For those things, even if we never meet and never speak another word to each other, I will always love him!
About two years ago, that all changed. The tears stopped and became replaced with coldness, bitterness, and anger. He could still make me cry if I thought about it, but I didn't cry about our relationship like I used to. Eventaully, I shut down completely. I totally closed myself off from him. It was the only way I felt no pain. It was the only way I could cope. He never thought we had a problem in our marriage until then, and he just could not understand why I had become so cold. I was dead inside and I hated it. We have a child together (who came along before the issues) and I have always been determined to stay. However, now I just go through the motions. There is nothing between us and I do not love him any more. I have told him this, but he doesn't seem to care. He has a live-in personal assistant, why should he? I know I will have to be the one to undo this marriage, but I am just not ready to do that because of our son.
With all of that being said, about 7 months ago, through chance and through a mutual associate, I had a phone conversation with another man. It was just a casual conversation and there were no intentions on either side. Due to the situation at the time, he and I had to talk semi-frequently. All the conversations were pleasant and friendly, but nothing more than that (though I admit, I enjoyed talking to him). As we continued talking, the conversations became more personal - meaining about politics, religion, family, our kids, etc., and we had a lot in common. This man and I live 2300 miles away from each other and have never met. He is also married with two children like I am and has been married for almost the same amount of time. Our conversations eventually resulted in an exchange of Facebook addresses and we became friends there. We would occasionally message each other through FB and not long after that, we exchanged personal phone numbers. We both had expressed our mutual attraction to each other, but we both understood (and still do) that neither would change their circumstance for the other. He knew my situation was complicated and rough, and I knew his children would keep him in his marriage.
We both fill a void in each other's life. Since we have only "met" through pictures and conversations, our connection is absolutely beyond physical. I had not smiled in so long until I met him. I had not felt anything but pain in so long, I had truly forgotten what "happiness" felt like. In my day to day life, there are only a couple of people who (a) I can be myself around; and (b) who knows (and wants to know) the real me. I can be myself around him and he likes me for who I am. My husband has an expectation of who I am supposed to be. What's saddens me is that he really has no clue who I am - how could he when the majority of his life has revolved around him? Mr. Man and I still have never met each other, but neither of can deny how strong the connection is between us. We have so much in common and we are attracted to each other for so much more than the physical (though, he is a cutie). When we cannot talk, I miss him so much. My chilren and him are really the only things that put a smile of my face. We recently have tossed around the "L" word to each other, but not in the traditional sense. That word scares me and I denied it at first, but I can't any more....I am in love with this man! I can honestly say that no other has ever made me feel the way that he does.
I should feel guilty about it all, but I don't. I feel happy and confident for the first time in a decade. We are planning on meeting within the next year. I hope to be happily divorced by that time and finding myself again. If I am not, it will not change anything. My long-distance man has made me feel alive for the first time in years. A part of me almost finds it cruel that we came to know each other, but I am thankful. We both know that we can never be together. Even if there weren't spouses, our jobs would keep us miles apart. It just can never be. But I appreciate what he has given me - a part of myself back that I had forgotten about. He has help give me the confidence I needed after years of neglect and abuse to stand up for myself. For those things, even if we never meet and never speak another word to each other, I will always love him!
By:
TnVolsGirl
Age:
36-40
,
Female
