Post

I Am Terrified I Will Never Feel Intimacy And Romance Ever Again

Ok, I dont know where or who to go to with this. I found this site and thought I would try it and see who is out there.

I am 44 yrs old. I am married for 19 years to my childhood sweetheart. Long story short, we met young, lived together for a few years and then married. We had a string relationship early and after 5 years of marriage we had a bump in the road when she secretly sunk us financially. Over several years, she made mistakes and kept them from me until they were too big to hide and I found out. We worked on our marriage and 10 years after her last episode, we are well financially and still married. The scars of those problems are still there as there is a level of trust I could never recapture.

Here is the problem...

4 years ago, she had a hysterectomy. She was fine the first 2 years, then the changes started. She began to gain weight. Her attitude in general has delined. Speaks in demeaning ways. She began to experience discomfort during intercousre and pretty much now has lost all interest in sex and intimacy.

As far as the weight factor, her diet is terrible and over the past 2 years, it is obvious she isnt interested in getting healthy. She used to belong to a gym and has since dropped it. She says working out is not good for her blood pressure. She doesnt same the same about the closet smoking she does.

I have asked her for us both to diet and walk together. She says yes, but I cannot ever get her to begin and then she forgets about it.

Regarding sex, I have spent countless hours researching all of the online topics and websites and I suggest different things. She always says she will try things and never does. I asked her to speak to her Dr about it. She always says she will, but never does. There are products and exercises we can experiment with and try together, but she never does.

It seems that the marriage issues may have caused some issues, but the hysterectomy seems to have finished it off.

We live in the same house, raising 2 sons. When we are not arguing, we are living like brother and sister. We sleep in the same bed but on both ends.

Sometimes I try and plan a movie for us both on the couch at night when we are both off the next day, but unless I get the movie on by 630, she is asleep before the end.

She really thinks that it is ok that she feels the way she does. She thinks its ok that she is 44 and acts like a 65 year old woman.

I do love her, but I am TERRIFIED that I will never experience the intimacy of making love to someone. It has been over a year since we made love and she is really ok with it. I AM NOT and she knows it, but does not acknowledge it. I have tried to talk about it many times and the conversation turns to her not saying anything except, Ill talmk to the Dr about it. After 2 years of hearing this, Ive given up hope.

I know she is my wife, and I do care about her, and I am supportive of her, but what about me. Because of my commitment, am I supposed to just accept the fact that intimacy and romance is done? I have a high sex drive. I always have. And its not all about the sex, I am a romantic guy, and crave intimacy. My wife has made it clear, she is not interested, and really has no interest in improving our physical situation.

This cant be it

Now what.......
restlessheart29 restlessheart29 41-45, M 16 Responses Dec 6, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

Oh, how well I hear you! My husband of 15 years is 48 but acts like 60. Though he works out, he does things at home and with kids, he has zero initiative to go out or to things for fun together. Life is work for him, everything is a project. I am soooo tired of begging "let's go out for anithing", just once every couple months would be great. Nope, it's TV, shop, computer, anything at home.

hello EP friends. Im just frustrated and needed to vent so Im going to do it here. 2 nights ago, I caught the wife in what seemed to be a good mood. We made plans to have a date night (behind closed doors). Would have been first time in 6 months ish? Long story short, she sat on the couch around 8, which shortly leads to her falling asleep. I was afraid to say anything as she gets anoid easily when she gets tired. Sure enough she was out 15 min later.....and it never happened.

Here is the kicker. I am leaving for a 3 week biz trip tomorrow. I thought for sure she would make up for it tonight. She sat on the couch and when she didnt fall right to sleep, I thought it was on. Well, she just got up.....asked me what time I needed to get up. Then kissed me on the head and went to bed.

Sad part is, if I went out and took care of my phys need, I would be the bad guy. Not that I would do that, just making a point. How awful is it that Im a decent looking middle aged man, married for 21 years, and I have to take care of myself.

I just dont get it.....

Im sorry all. Just needed to vent and dont have anyone else to vent this to.

Hi, I feel for you. I know just how you feel. I was married for 16 years to a man who neglected to take me seriously. There was no intimacy for ca 10 years and the effects on soul and body and health were terrible. In the end I had to break with him as I could not bear it any longer. 3 months after I split from him I met someone new. It was WAY too early, but I was so starved of physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction that I could not wait any longer and joined a dating website. I would decide the same way again if I found that my partner is not responsive to any suggestions, does not take me seriously, does not make any effort, wont let me help him being responsive or making an effort and refuses to talk to me. In short a partner who refuses ANY kind of intimacy. Commitment and loyalty are things I value very highly, so it is all the more important that this swings both ways.

I totally fell in love with this new guy. I am still besotted with him, I love him to bits. He loves sex and has a high sex drive, offers a great deal of physical intimacy. But with him I cannot find emotional safety/satisfaction. We have sex several times a day often. But always and solely on his terms. He will refuse to participate in doing anything giving me pleasure. The things I ask him for are purely basic, like manual and oral stimulation, so I am not asking for kinky stuff. Yet he wont give me what I need.No explanation is offered despite me asking and asking. He just says he loves me and craves my body yet can not give me pleasure. I suspected performance anxieties etc but this is not the case. His solution is for me to ********** before hand, during and after sex. Sex is finished once he has climaxed. He will not ever touch me after that. He asks me to find another woman to sleep with, who will do for me what I need to find sexual release.
All this has a similar effect on me as what happened in my marriage, except there is no lack of physical intimacy, it is just the emotional intimacy. Sorry for blabbering on and on. Just wanted to make a point here. if there is no emotional intimacy, no physical intimacy, if your partner knows how you feel but does not make an effort or claims not to understand you. Both partners have to invest in a realtionship. Anything one-sided is destructive. Make sure she understands you. Then its her choice. Put the ball in her court. if she does not respond, suggest partner therapy to help you both voice how you feel and what is stopping you. If she refuses, then I am afraid there is only one option. You are not superhuman, and there is no need to be or to live deprived like a monk. Things have to work both ways.

As I read this I find myself in the same situation, The hardest part is not so much the sexless marriage part, as much as how a wife knowing how important this part of our relationship is to me, totally ignore it. It started with the onset of menopause as being he excuse that she felt dead as a woman, and anything associated to sex , such as seeing her nakedm touching her breast or othe parts of the body are no longer allowed, Others can tell sexual off color jokes, I cannot.
Having just completed 1 year of treatments for cancer there were many times I need to feel the passion and sexual release and intimacy to help maintain my sanity, Mainly just to feel grounded to something or someone. Nothing was offered available or given and that in itself has been the most destructive pasrt of this relationship. I cannot imagine how another human being can be that removed or allof to the entire situation.
During this time I discovered numerous phone calls, visits to a gentleman in town(who recently lost his 18 year old daughter in a car accident) and confronted her about it. Her reply was it was a tough time for him and especially with the holidays coming. Excuse me, i just visited the doctors 165 times in the last year , gave up more blood than i cared to , had needles stuck in me a hundred times and maintained a positive attitude , worked full time and did my fair 150% at home through it all. 12 years of never misisng a card for anniverary or Birthday, she hs always been treated as a special gift to me, and when I wanted something as simple as a Hand J** just to feel connected(if that my only choice) the answer was always NO.
I struggle to find understanding in all this, but keep hoping that one day it will change, but I know that is not reality.

Have you confronted your partner and openly spoken about it? Has she ever liked sex before the menopause? Maybe she never liked it what you did together and never dared asking for what she needed? I am not trying to blame you. I am trying to come up with new angles/ ideas as to what is wrong. I think you need to tell her how you feel. Make sure she gets how important and serious this is. There are all kinds of different treatment options for ALL problems associalted with the menopause, so all she needs to do it talk to her doctor. It sounds though as though she hasnt got a clue what is going on in you? So sorry to hear how sad you are. My problems are similar in that I feel neglected and used bymy partner who wont make an effort whatsoever and refuses to take on board just how serious this is to me. Its difficult.

I have the same problems with my husband. I cried to him today about it before bed because I am so lonely. He said that he doesn't feel anything when i cry, and he has no desire to touch me let alone hold me when I an sad or crying.

He will have sex with me sometimes but I always have to initiate it. He was diagnosed with low testosterone and that explains some of the problem. He stopped taking the meds because they were not helping and only gave him side effects. I hate begging for sex. I really hate it. Makes me feel like a loser. People have told him he is lucky to have me - that I am sweet, smart and beautiful. (Children tell their mothers how pretty I am.)

I told him I want someone who wants to talk to me and be with me. He says he doesn't want to be near me. I am so lonely. I really want male companionship. I miss cuddling with a man who actively wants to hold me. I have been married for 12 years and have not cheated during that time. But now I think about it because I am so starved for love.

I am sorry to hear your story. I cannot imagine a woman rejecting a husband who wants to be with her and who cares about intimacy and romance. Ever try counseling together? I know how much I miss it, so I really hope that it gets better for you as well.

I understand where you are coming from and the other young lady that commented. My DH has cheated on me twice and even through his affairs, he was very open about it and told me I could not leave. Said that no matter what happened, we would live in the same house until our youngest is 18, thats 12 years from now. I moved out, moved on and started over, then he seen the error in his ways and demanded me back. He forced himself back into my live through the kids. I think I still love him as the father of my children, but have no respect or desire for him. He lets his kids talk to and treat me like I'm nothing, they call me names, hit me and his son has done worse. He thinks that I make a big deal of these things and dismiss me. He is still very attracted to me and always wanting to be intimate, but I have no desire to even be touched by him because his lack of respect disgusts me. I feel so bad for you and your wife not being interested in intimacy with you because I so desire it, just not from him. It breaks my heart. I have no trust in him and every time he touches me, I can't get the thought out of my head of him with those other women and where he was when I needed him most as my mother was dying. I don't believe in hate, but I honestly think I hate him for laying up with some ***** that knew he was married but enjoys sleeping with married men.

Thanks Taken names. I realize what you are saying and have recieved similar advice sometime ago. I have heeded this advice and changed my approach,. Its been about 6 months, but what I feel is happening is no more pressure on her, but also no progress in the direction I was hoping for. <br />
<br />
We seem to argue less, since I have let the quest for intimacy go. This is good. Unfortunately, Im afraid that any recovery on our intimacy, romance , sex life is over. I truly believe that she has no desire what so ever in physical engagement. <br />
<br />
Ive accepted it and moved on. I respect our vows, and will take it for what it is.<br />
<br />
Thanks for the comments and support

Female perspective. Just joined today. Sadly can;t give you the answer, but can tell you my husband and I went 6 years without any sex. He had reached a point where he spent all of his time traveling for work then coming home to be with his friends or our kids. He stopped remembering to kiss me goodbye or tell me how he felt. So, when he would express any physical interest, I usually felt bothered by the idea since it came across as sex only and not because he truly cared about me. A counselor told me once that if I said yes to him, then he would bring back the romance. I argued that it went the other way, I needed to feel special to him first.<br />
In no way am I saying this is your case. However, this caught my attention because at one point I needed to have a hysterectomy. As a women, this hit me very hard. When I told him the night before the surgery, he said I was just nervous about doctors. It couldn't be about the type of surgery because "it's not like we're going to have nay more kids with the way we are". I sunk into a deep depression after that. The doctor tried to find a hormonal reason but could not. Soon after I connected with an old friend who was male. He was also married but made me feel good about myself. we didn't live near each other, but just getting nice messages from him each day made me realize I still had some worth. It was nice to hear that someone saw me as something other than a roommate. I don't know what things you have tried that are simple in nature and if she is depressed it will be hard to overcome. But I do know that I personally responded to having someone make me feel good about myself even though I was self conscious about my appearance and who I was as a parent and spouse. In my case it had to come from someone outside the marriage and it took too long for him to realize it was what I needed, but perhaps there is something you can use from my story. It's not just men who need intimacy as some of these posts suggest. He seemed so fine with 6 years of nothing that people who knew told me he must have been having an affair. I think he just settled into things being status quo. Try something unrelated to where you want to be. Get her back to feeling you accept her as she is, then perhaps she will want to become more than that. Good Luck~

Every woman, and any number of female marriage counselors, needs to read this thread and stop telling us men that we are barnyard animals.

Sad part about this is that she has no clue of how deep this hurt is. I mean, Im here having this conversation with complete strangers who get it. You all can relate and although you cant solve my problems, you understand and your comments are very supportive. <br />
<br />
This has gone on for so long now, the topic is no longer relevant between us, and Im afraid that she may feel Im over it now, and the contrary is that I am frustrated as ever, and cant do anything about it. <br />
<br />
So to you, my anonymous friends, thanks for your support, and my comfort is knowing that Im not alone in this. Sorry that your misery is my comfort :-). Seriously, I think thats why I came here. to share my story and maybe offer the same support to all of you.<br />
<br />
Thanks

Well said "your misery is my comfort". It is true, at least sometime for all of us...

Your wife is being extremely selfish and you need to call her on it. Stop being so patient, make it clear this is not how you can live your life and that she is telling you she doesn't love you with her actions. Maybe if she would just try, it would get easier. There is no excuse for not getting help from a doctor "if" there is a problem. Good luck to you! I wish you the best!

Thank you Bliss- Its been 16 months since I wrote this piece. It has not gotten better. With exception of an occasional Oral session, on both parts, sex is pretty much done. I say that because I consider love making the most intimate communication between a man and woman. We have not experiencwed this in rougly 3 years.

Im tired of pushing her, Im tired of arguing, Im tired of feeling like I am begging for something that she really is not intersted in. Makes me feel pathetic. So here I am 47, frustrated and pretty down, realizing....Thats it!

Thats really sounds pathetic too :-). Anyway, it sucks, but what else is there to do.

Thanks again for your well wish

Dude! You have the right to be happy! My Dad always told me "It's better to be alone than to wish you were."

That is an awesome saying and very true.

I'm in a similar situation, no sex for 3 years. I've known him since I was 17 and was always very sexually attracted to him. Now, I feel so sexually rejected by him, that I'm not even sure I want him that way anymore. What do you do when you love someone and your life together, but you need sex?

What do you do when you love someone and your life together, but you need sex?

EXACTLY!

I am there too!

She really does need to get a doctor. Ride is right...depression. You also said she had a hysterectomy. If she's on HRT's then she might need to get the dosage adjusted or change the medication. She sounds like she is in denial about it all so you will have a tough go ahead of you. All the best to you.

Your wife is seriously depressed. Unfortunately, you cannot fix it-- the best thing you can do is get her to see a counselor so she has a chance to get some help. It sounds like she is in denial about her depression too, which makes it even harder to get her to do something about it. Ultimately, only you can decide when enough is enough and you start enforcing consequences for stagnating in depression. Good luck, it will be a hard road ahead.

Thanks Dog. Honestly, she would NOT go for that. And really, I dont know that I could go for that. Although it is a wild thought.<br />
<br />
Again, I dont want to be insensitive, but it is almost as if her attitude is, "I dont enjoy it anymore, Im not interested in fixing the problem, and you cant go anyplace else for it"<br />
<br />
And then she puts up with my plea once every month or 2, and then she's like, good, dont need to hear about it again. I never *********** in the first 35 yrs of my life. In the last 2 years, Ive become very intimate with myself...:-). What else is there to do?<br />
<br />
Thanks for listening