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If You Only Knew

After being married to the same person for almost 36 years I thought I knew my husband. Turns out everything I thought about my husband was all wrong. All these years I really thought he loved me and now I really believe that he never really loved me. With each day that passes without him holding me, touching me and just loving me I feel like I am falling out of love with him. I am still alive and I have basic needs he no longer cares about and it is killing me. I feel so alone anymore. I spend so many nights by myself locked in the bedroom crying just because he won't hold me. Why? I am still attractive and I still love to have fun. He has developed a lot of health issues which most he could have avoided at least for some years if he would have listened to the doctors. He is stubborn and decided he was going to live his life the way he wanted and now he is in such bad shape that life is no longer fun for either of us. A person can never know how lonely it is be lonely in a marriage, unless they have experienced it themselves. To have a husband who doesn't even want to talk to you anymore. I was always more like a trophy to him, something to show off to his friends and now he has no friends. So I guess there is no real need for me now but he will not let me go. I feel like I am being swallowed by a giant black hole and I am losing myself. I am so tired of crying. I want to be hugged, kissed, and have someone to make love to me again. I want to live my life again. Time moves too fast and I am missing out on so much. I love my husband but I am not in love with him. If anyone else is in this same situation, I am sure you know what I am talking about.
teri58 teri58 51-55, F 15 Responses Jul 25, 2011

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I feel for you teri. I'm the guy your talking about in my own marriage now. Strange how roles reverse over time. After the first 25 years of sexual frustration beyond my comprehension I turned into an introvert so to speak with her. I don't talk with her, I don't care to listen to her, I have zero attraction to her now, I won't sleep with her but now she is the one coming to me almost begging to try again. Problem for me is that for the first 25 years it ended up killing everything I felt for her. If I could leave I would. I think she would be happier without me, certainly she would have a better chance at finding some. I feel terrible for how she feels from how I act these days but what to do. I will eventually find a way out where I can still support her so she doesn't end up with nothing. I have no idea how to talk to her without her belittling me to a pulp so we live much as you are, separate.

I understand what you are going through.
I am going through the same but with added abuse and cruel partner.
I still find it difficult to open up on such issues.
Just have to keep hoping for something good in the future

I am sorry to hear you are going through this too. It is difficult. There are days I ask myself why I keep going like this. I came from a family where my parents were married up to the day my mom passed away, even despite the affair my dad have during his years in the military. I guess that just stuck with me and now here I am stuck in a miserable marriage. I hope you find some happiness soon! Best wishes!

Hi BriBrit! I am sorry to hear you are going through this too. I feel bad for anyone who ever has to experience this unhappiness. I keep telling myself I need to stick it out to the end for him, but when he gets mean and hateful towards me it get very hard to keep thinking this is a good idea. I will be here as long as I can take his verbal abuse.
I hope you find a solution to your issue. Life is not good if you are not having any fun. We all have needs and it is just cruel of our partners to deny us the things that keep us happy and physically and emotionally healthy.
Best Wishes to you!

Teri, I too can identify with you for only yesterday I wrote out the following for my wife who has yet to read it:

Life together has changed or perhaps it was always like this but I just didn’t see it from the start. Our history is its witness.

The situation as I perceive it:

We relate to each other on a purely functional basis which is that of successful home-keepers and parents of a child.

We are two human beings who love and care about each other personally but who do not participate in and enjoy an intimate relationship that has all the ingredients of a mental/spiritual, physical/sexual union . It has bits of them but that’s all. It is a relationship that could well be defined similar to that shared by a loving brother and sister living under the same roof.

The effects

I can only speak about in terms of myself since I have no idea how you are affected. Indeed, you do not share your heart with me at any level other than about circumstantial stuff. Hence, I am left wondering if you are affected at all. If you are not then I am dismayed.

On my part, the affect is devastating. I am left:

… emotionally and spiritually isolated (feeling in my inner soul, emotionally starved, rejected and desperately lonely)

… physically and sexually isolated (feeling all the frustrations of unmet needs that for me, only a deep loving intimacy with a woman can satisfy).

All appeals for these to be considered and addressed by yourself have met characteristically with tearful silence, followed by some expressions of sorrow, limited action for a time before a return to the inevitable status quo.

This leaves me feeling hurt, depressed and angry.

Resolution?

None are apparent. I am, because of a commitment to a marriage covenant with you which I desire to honor, denied the option of looking elsewhere to satisfy these emotional physical and sexual needs. I am helpless. I have to accept the status quo whether I like it or not because the repercussions are too traumatic to even consider.

And I don’t like the status quo. Moreover, I never signed up to it. To me this is not marriage and what is happening is a breach of covenantal marriage conditions.


Teri, let us be practical here. When the conditions for a normal married life are demonstrably not being honoured then the marriage covenant is broken and you have the right to terminate it formally. But this should be a last resort and only after all attempts at reconciling the situation have met with failure. Then you have the choice to be held prisoner to misery and unhappiness for the rest of your life or to start again and find the fulfilment which you crave.

Rest assured that there are men like me, who long to satisfy the cravings you have described and be one heart with you for it is only as we give ourselves unreservedly to the other that we can receive with joy what the other has to give to us.

Teri, I too can identify with you for only yesterday I wrote out the following for my wife who has yet to read it:

Life together has changed or perhaps it was always like this but I just didn’t see it from the start. Our history is its witness.

The situation as I perceive it:

We relate to each other on a purely functional basis which is that of successful home-keepers and parents of a child.

We are two human beings who love and care about each other personally but who do not participate in and enjoy an intimate relationship that has all the ingredients of a mental/spiritual, physical/sexual union . It has bits of them but that’s all. It is a relationship that could well be defined similar to that shared by a loving brother and sister living under the same roof.

The effects

I can only speak about in terms of myself since I have no idea how you are affected. Indeed, you do not share your heart with me at any level other than about circumstantial stuff. Hence, I am left wondering if you are affected at all. If you are not then I am dismayed.

On my part, the affect is devastating. I am left:

… emotionally and spiritually isolated (feeling in my inner soul, emotionally starved, rejected and desperately lonely)

… physically and sexually isolated (feeling all the frustrations of unmet needs that for me, only a deep loving intimacy with a woman can satisfy).

All appeals for these to be considered and addressed by yourself have met characteristically with tearful silence, followed by some expressions of sorrow, limited action for a time before a return to the inevitable status quo.

This leaves me feeling hurt, depressed and angry.

Resolution?

None are apparent. I am, because of a commitment to a marriage covenant with you which I desire to honor, denied the option of looking elsewhere to satisfy these emotional physical and sexual needs. I am helpless. I have to accept the status quo whether I like it or not because the repercussions are too traumatic to even consider.

And I don’t like the status quo. Moreover, I never signed up to it. To me this is not marriage and what is happening is a breach of covenantal marriage conditions.

I know, only too well.

All advices given are easier said than done... Teri, I hope and pray you find a place of peace in your heart. Have you considered joining a local interest group where you can meet and spend time with people who you can share likes and hobbies with. I know it's not a huge compensation for the love of your man but you can still find great value and happiness in being around others who value and appreciate your friendship. God bless. xx

I know how you feel, due to meds and a car accident that injured my wifes spine there has been no intimacy in my marriage for 5 years. I still love her and I can`t blame her so I do understand. Damned if you do and damned if you don`t but anytime you need to vent I`m a great listener.

I appreciate that. It is nice to know there is someone there who will listen when you need to vent. Thanks for your offer.

You are welcome.

teri,

You say "I want to be hugged, kissed, and have someone to make love to me again."

I guess this is the resounding war cry from every single member of ILIASM. It seems such a simple demand which would bring us all such wonderful, exhilarating happiness and satisfaction. However within our marriage to room mate's existence winning the lottery is more likely!

Our partners are perfectly content not being, loved, hugged, kissed, cuddled and made love to but without these things our lives are lonely, empty, meaningless and lost in a sea of misery and despair.

So many unhappy people but with so much love and intimacy to give to a like minded soul.

Richard

Thank you RichardKiss for commenting on my story. Some people don't understand how bad it is unless they have experienced it themselves.

Sorry, but if you continue to believe that true happiness comes from the attention that others give to you, or from physical pleasure, then you will most likely end up being sadly disappointed (as most Americans seem to be these days). The only person who can genuinely make you happy is you, by knowing that you lead a moral, productive and caring life. The physical world is fleeting by definition, as your husband's health problems demonstrate.<br />
<br />
Try reading about Buddhism, or pick up a book by the Dalai Lama. Do you ever wonder why countries such as India are so materialistically poor but are so spiritually rich? Some of the happiest people I have ever met live in poverty in India and China. It all comes down to one's own beliefs (abandonment of the ego, non-attachment to the physical) and self perceptions.

Life is too short to throw one day away , while you waste time with someone that doesn't seem to be in love with you or life, you could be missing out on that special someone that would be the perfect partner. If you can find a way to extricate yourself, you should probably do it. Either he loves you and will try to meet your needs, or he doesn't and it wont affect him~ good luck!

Wow it is amazing to see that there are more people like me out there..I have been married for 22 yrs to what I thought was my one and only love..the only man I've ever been with intimately, just to find out in 2007 that he was having an affair with a older women. I was 41 at that time when I discovered his unfaithfulness and he confessed it like if it was nothing, He said yes I'm cheating so what? I was speechless and did not know what to say and for the first time in my life I got a panic attack, I could not breath I did not know what to do but cry and cry and cry and ask myself why? I was brought up to be a perfect wife, having children taking good care of them and the household, catering to my husbands every need not knowing that intimacy was not supposed to be lacking in our marriage, but I thought it was normal just to think that he loved me and I was sure I was 100% in love with him, too bad that by his betrayal I realized that the loving was not a mutual thing. It is too many things for me to write I wish I could but everything is so so painful that I just think I wasted my life and still wasting it next to this selfish person, he knows I"m not in love with him anymore and it is like he doesn't care. He keeps living his life like usual, he is a healthy man and in the meantime I'm dying each day as time passes, I've given up, I'm just waiting for my children to grow up, and then just wait for death as each day passes by. Is it too much to ask that all I need is for someone to hold me kiss me and tell me that everything will be ok? Oh God help me..

My heart goes out to you. I know oh so well what it feels like to not be loved. I wish I had some encouraging words for you but I am still trying to figure my life out too. I am looking for a way out. Once I find the support I need to get through it, I am out of there. Please don't give up on life because of one jerk. There are a lot of nice guys out there that would love to have a wife like you. I have met several really nice guys on ep since I became a member. So please hang in there and look for your way out! I am sending you Love and Hugs for strength! Best wishes! Feel free to message me if you need someone to vent to or just a shoulder to lean on. I am here and I am willing to help as I can!!

all my life i have been witness to women in the same situation as yours and while some made it out, many didn't, beaten down and trapped by fear. here's to hoping that you'll be successful in getting out :)

Thanks jerrica the words of encouragement mean so much to me. Nice to know there are those who care :)

Teri-
Hi I just had to say I know exactly what your going thru because my marriage is almost identical!! My husband&amp;I have only been married though 2 years and it's a loveless nearly no intimacy with him being 34 and me 29! I never ever imagined this is how it would go getting married but it is and though I love him as a friend I'm not in love with him. He is just like your husband and doesn't want to let me go since he has nearly no family or friend's&amp;technically would be alone since my daughter isn't biologically isn't his!! She's only 7 and knows him as her dad and hate to hurt her so I don't want to leave for her but I'm so lonesome&amp;unhappy(we only touch during our twice a month sex including kissing)!!! I sure hope things will get better for you!

Teri, Let me tell lyou there is life to be had by those who want it and work at it. Dont be totally down and discouraged. Make some smart decisions that are for YOU not him. Let him find his own end as it seems he wants. Dont feel doomed to stay in a no win unhappy situation. Find some true friends, join some good groups and meet people. Dont let him keep you away from happiness, Dont let yourself be shamed by him to put up with h is health problem. If he deserved you he would have been a better man for years earlier, You can be happy for the rest of your life IF YOU take charge of your life. Dont delay GET started Today.

Thank you so much for your comment. I will have to take your advice and try to find my happiness again. I am not sure how he is going to react to this but I will cross that bridge when the time comes.

Teri, I can't begin to tell you how much want for you to find the happiness you so deserve. Your situation is very upsetting and I feel deeply for you. I do know somewhat how you are feeling. I was never in a truly abusive marriage although a few times she did strike out and hit me when she got frustrated with our discussions/arguments. I tried everything I could to diffuse her angry times but not much worked. I really did love her right up to the day she walked out and even for a while afterward. After 20+ years of marriage and two great boys she simply said "I want a change in my lifestyle and you don't fit in". She packed up and moved to a city an hour and a half away. I refused to bow to her demands to change my life and job(s) to suit her. We had a totally sexless marriage the last 4 years that we slept in the same bed I was not allowed to touch her. Then for the next two years before she moved out she slept in a seperate room. For those 6 years I had a number of opportunities for intimacy with another woman but stayed true to the end. I am now in the process of rebuilding my life and actually look forward to the challenge with a renewed energy and feeling of well being. I can only wish the same for you. If I could only be there with you I would hold you, let you rest your head on my shoulder and cry to let it out. The same thing from a good friend sure helped me. She was actually a friend I met through my wife who stuck by me when it all went to hell and has remained as a good friend. I truly do hope all the best for you and you are more than welcome to write anytime you need more words of encouragement.<br />
FunGuy1326@yahoo.com

Thanks funguy. I am learning there are no fairy tell endings. I have been married since I was 17 and he is the only one I have ever been with. I thought this is the way a marriage is supposed to be but I learned different. I am so ready to move on with my life. He just had tests done for his heart and we are waiting on results before I decide exactly what I will do. I have to find happiness. This life is killing me slowly. I appreciate all your encouragement and it is nice to know there are guys out there that do care.