There Is No Intimacy, In Any Form, In My Marriage

My husband and I have become no more than roommates. While he seems perfectly content this has made me incredibly unhappy and sad to the point I am considering leaving. I don't want to live like this any longer. For many years we couldn't keep our hands off on another, always taking any opportunity to have sex but now....we have had sex exactly 5 times in the past 3 1/2 years. We talk about nothing of meaning, we don't cuddle or hold hands and it's been literally years since he has taken me out for dinner. He has grown distant and uninterested in improving our marriage. Last year I kept asking him to go away for a long weekend to work on our marriage. I read a couple of marriage books. He knew this but never once asked about them. Not once has he ever asked about what I learned or how we can make our marriage better and get back on track. As for going away for a weekend, the timing was never right, according to him. He couldn't take off work (he owns a business and works Monday thru Saturday). For a while I thought he was having an affair but I now know that isn't the case. He insists that it's not me and he will not go to a doctor to see if there is a medical issue with him. He just seems to be content with the situation.

At this point I have now checked out the this marriage. The current situation is not the way I want to live. I am still young and I want passion in my life. I want to feel wanted and desired. I want to sit across a candle light table and be told that I'm beautiful. I want romance and intimacy.
Moonwillow85 Moonwillow85
41-45, F
22 Responses Sep 17, 2011

I dated married women several years ago and it was the lack of intimacy that caused them to have an affair. They were, by the way, the best ***** EVER!! They liked EVERYTHING! Interestingly, they were very into performing oral sex. It was like they missed being appreciated for their oral skills and wanted me to enjoy them. And I DID!! YAHOO!!

fare enough...he doesn't deserve you

It sucks bad. I feel the same way. Would do anything to have someone to love instead of a room mate. I guess the rest of my life will be spent in a loveless marriage.

I feel ur pain , it's the same over here I sleep on my own and huge a pillow cuz I love to cuddle I miss the warmth of a body laying next to me , I love been touched but my husband rather sleeping on the couch than with me

One, I'd like to know what happened. Are you ok? Two all i can say between the tears is ditto though we are not legally married been together ten years and i feel like I'll never find anyone again now i am older.

I CAN TOTALLY relate !!! RIght now the hardest thing for me is doing what i feel i know i need to do but it makes me sick to think about it.

I, too, live in a marriage without intimacy or emotional support. I have been married for 29 years and, unfortunately, it began once we said our vows. My husband continually says that it is him but and he will do better; but, after 29 years, I have exhausted all hope. I was pretty and thin when we married and remained that way for many years. Now I am old and fat because I've allowed myself to hang onto hope which caused a continual flood of private tears and devastation. I am a christian and believe that marriage is a commitment with God and my husband. That said, I would encourage anyone married to a man or woman who is incapable of intimacy to walk away. My husband had many issues with *********** and fantasy. He did cheat on me at first but is not now. He simply lives and walks in his own life and I'm here to do the bills and make sure he keeps up his image to the outside world. He's let me know that he is very content and has no desire to change the situation. Last year I moved into my own room hoping he would sense the loss. What a joke, he's happier than ever. I hate to be negative, but run from a relationship that causes this kind of sorrow. I am determining from today on to work on me. I have not left because I have issues of my own and simply do not want to take the risk of future rejections.

I too have moved to the spare room. my refuser has mentioned in a mumbled voice that he is unhappy that I sleep in the spare bed/R ..but he must be ok with it .. since all he said was and I quote...." oh some body doesn't sleep with me anymore" and he walked off !

If that was me, id be asking questions and beg him to come back to the bed room, but NOPE my refuser.... I guess, sees no need to do that...

*********** and internet **** particularly have been a bane in ourrelationship. He can relieve his needs that way he spent or spends , I've stopped paying attention it hur t to much hours online staring at it meanwhile I get NOTHING in other ways he is not cruel but he is passive agressive

you need to take care of ur self first!

my refuser refuses to have sex, he refuses to sit at the dinner with me. wont go anywhere with me out side the house.... and if he does, I get the cold shoulder.

last wedding we went to, he made sure his chair was a foot away from me (cant sit to close to her ya know lol ) he stared at all the young women with min skirts on and he made Shure I saw him doing it!

he said maybe 3 words to me all night! when it came time for every one to leave, I was in the ladies room, I walked back out and sat down at the table ( not knowing it was time to leave) little did I know he walked out side to get in the car, there I was sitting at the table wondering, what the hell is going on ? finally some one came and got me and walked me to the car, there he was standing at the car saying nothing!

this is my second sexless relationship, and it will be my last! I'm to worn out to try any more I would not know what a healthy relationship looks like or feels!!!

I don't know how it feels either

1 More Response

I am so happy that I am not the only one going through this. I've been married for six months and had more sex in my carnal, single days than I have as a married woman. I know I am highly attractive but the lack of sexual desire from my husband is slowly driving me crazy. This is not what I imagined marriage to be. I expected uncontrollable passionate love- and as a Christian woman, I keep asking myself why god would make me go through this when I was celibate by choice shortly before getting married. Instead of being rewarded I feel punished. I don't want to cheat but I refuse to become depressed over the effect this is having on my self esteem

I never realized until looking at all these post.... how much of what i am gong through is so common...funny thing a guy...and she is the one with no affection or intamacy towards me. ...Your post is very motivational thank you

Communicate with him, check his answers one last time and make your move.

what can i say y everybody do such marriages whichis like burden

I feel your pain. I too am living with my husband but we are simply two ships that pass in the night. I miss being kissed, hugged and making love. I feel so rejected. I have tried many times to talk about my feelings with my husband. Usually he ignores me, sometimes he says he wants thing to change and he misses the way we used to be together too but he never makes any attempt to change or make things better. I want to stay but I sometimes feel that if I did leave I would truely be alone forever.

you so mirror my sediments and how it was for truly sad and i so agree with you try and try then finally ck out and emotionally you are done... lets connect plz

Your husband is content because he is not having to take part in sexual activity or intimacy which he finds unnecessary or distasteful. Have you asked him whether he would mind if you were to outsource your needs so that he never had to worry about you making unwanted demands on his body? Would he actually be jealous that someone else is relieving him of tasks which he finds too odious or boring to take part in himself? It always seems odd to me that our room mates should feel jealous of someone else having something that they do not want themselves.


I am in the same situation. My wife and I seem like less than roomates. I don't know what to do. I totally understand what you are going through. It is frustrating and very very lonely

so mirrors my marriage that eventually ended i would lov t chat w carpenterjim65 on yahoo if u desire to talk

My Dear Lady, he chose what he wanted and it's not you! I hate to say that, but you said it before me. A marriage without, communication, romance, patience, understanding, thoughtfulness, caring, sharing, and most important, listening to what the other has to say to you. In this case he needs help and you get out before he turns vicious, or really hurts you, I have a suspicion he already has beaten you, or hurt you in some way. Please, I beg you, get out now!!!!! If you need help, please let me know and I will help you.

Your story sounds so much like mine, except I have only had sex 4 times in the past 3.5 years! I even read "50 shades of grey" hoping to get a few new ideas that might interest my husband of 20 years. My only accomplishment was the feeling that I had made a fool of husband is very passive aggressive so trying to discuss anything is out of the question. He drinks a fair amount and has said he won't stop so I feel he chose alcohol over me. Now he is into *********** on the Internet ...again, I take issue with it but he continues any way. I am in the process of making plans to leave...

I've read most of the comments and answer, it's the same thing over and over, Get out, leave him. How about saying, both of you go see a Marriage counselor. I've been working with marriages for 35 years, it's the same thing. Why not work on it together, communication is the beginning. How was he/she was raised, what kind of life did they have, was love, cuddling, emotions feelings ever in their families? So many questions and so many answers. Some men have to little testosterone, just by taking a shot once a month can help, but that is up to your doctor after a good exam, for both of you. Maybe you can start out by saying. When was the last time have I had a physical exam, then ask if he would like to go and have one to? From their, you can work on doing something.

Just get the **** OUT of his life, RIGHT NOW!

Not many are just content. He could be having an emotional relationship with another women or even a man. If he has a medical condition, I do hope he will decide soon to get checked out. Just know that you should become your own success and find that which makes your world complete.

I'm a man, and I have the same home life. The wife and I have become roommates, even though she doesn't want to face up to the fact. When I brought it up, she said she didn't realize it, and wanted it to be different. In less than two weeks, we were back to the same routine, regardless of what I did.

I think at this point, you must get him to go to a doctor and be checked out. Men when they reach middle age have huge egos and when they start slowing down refuse to face facts and to go to a doctor because they are afraid of what they might hear. It could be ED because of high blood pressure, or something very simple that could be remedied by the little blue pill. It could also be psychological but that can be dealt with too. If he refuses, I see no other way for you, but to leave him as you have to live your life and you are still young and in need of some passion in your life. Good luck.

Thanks for your input. I have already tried to get him to go to the doctor. He will not go. I haven't thought about it in the framework of the way you stated it but he may be afraid of what he may hear. The thing is he hasn't had any problems, that I'm aware of, the few times we have done it in recent history even when I've been the one to initiate. Anyway, I have been seriously considering leaving; I can't do this for the rest of my life.