Missing His Touch

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. I found out two years ago that he is having an affair. He is hot and cold..says he is not sure what to do. I think he is confused. What is more difficult than anything is that I miss having someone that I can count on to do things with me. Someone to be personal and intimate with.
amariej amariej
5 Responses Sep 17, 2012

You think he's confused? its been 2 years what are you waiting for? I think you are confused! There is a choice or decision to be made. Either you both work thongs out or keep it moving. It is harder to heal and move on with a new chapter in your life when you are facing someone who is able to pick and choose when he wants to be with you. Making plans to be alone on new years eve is a clear indication that it is a new year with new begining. Im sorry if I come off bitter,I just value me more than the rejection. If you choose to forgive him you wouldnt be the first or the last just make sure he is just as commited to stop all that nonsence and work just as hard to being the husband u need him to b

For the last 20 years I have never been alone on New Years Eve. I am trying to think up something to do, even if I am alone.

I can speak from the perspective of a man who had an affair after nearly 30 years of marriage to someone who was not interested in intimacy, touch, affection or sex. Part of what may be going on here (and I speak from my own heart) is that "mid-life" crisis many men go through in their late 40's-early 50's. It is easy to get into a "rut" in a longer-term marriage, and lose the spark and fun that keeps a relationship alive and growing. You realize there are fewer days ahead than behind. Think back over the last few years and see if you can see a pattern or "rut" like that. If so, that can be fixed if you are both willing. I also recall the comment in the book "Divorce Busters," when the wife of a man who was having an affair asked him what the other woman "offered" that she did not? He was shocked, but answered honestly how the "other woman" was meeting his needs. The wife decided, then and there, to take back her husband by meeting those needs as fully as she could. Trust me, any half-way decent man would much rather be with the woman he loved and married than having an affair (OK, some men are jerks but most men who have affairs, I think, are simply "needy" and frustrated and need affection/appreciation/intimacy.) Maybe, just maybe there is the possibility of brining him back by taking the risk of asking that question? Or, at the very least, talk with him about what is missing in your relationship that the other woman offers? I know the pain I have caused my wife, and likely have wrecked my marriage,with my affair. But, sadly, she wasn't interested in knowing why I found someone else and was not interested in meeting the needs that led me astray. My affair partner finally gave up on me and just cut off the relationship with no warning, no goodbye,no nothing several months ago. It brought me to my senses: that I need to choose for ME if my spouse isn't interested in US anymore. Next year (2013) I'll be filing for divorce as there is no real hope for us. Best wishes.

It is such a tough situation. If you want to stay you need to find a way to forgive him

sigh !!