I Just Feel Cheated

Its falling away for me. Its "nice" but also depressing.... to begin to forget... or maybe its just a letting go of the desire...because you know it will likely never happen again and the knowing of it is perhaps more painful... hope is painful. I have found it easier to try to accept my life as is... when I see something I can change, then change it... otherwise, one step in front of the other... be a good person...love my kids... be a kind wife. I recently discovered the husband is reading my journal (again) and that is a sick feeling... just one violation after another. I'm trapped her and you're going to read my private thoughts... great. Nothing is sacred. I cannot leave my kids ... or share them... so I'm stuck here for now. But if he thinks reading my journal is going to make me fall in love with him, he's the stupidest person alive.
Anyway... I just shut down the good memories and say, but this is now. I don't even entertain the memories. They are as if I read them in a book or saw them in a movie now... never to be real.

Wow, appears our significant others would enjoy each others company. My wife accesses every part of my life with the exception of ep so far. Which is fine....whatever. She once suggested I write a journal and I thought to myself "why the hell would I do that, so she could read what goes on in my head", I don't think so. Indeed nothing is sacred.
So like you I've come to accept this is my life. I do my best for my son and try to be the best husband I can and rid myself of this needy desperation for closeness, laughter, desire and other soul saturating feelings. It proves harder said than done though. You and I mirror the image of hope. Hope is painful. Hope can near kill a person. It's a setup for disappointment as far as I'm concerned. Acceptance is best. Well maybe not best but definitely easiest, what other options are there? I won't abandon what I've help build and create. I just wish there was a happy medium. All in all I truly have given my best and for some reason still feel to blame yet I'm told otherwise by otherwise. It's totally mind blowing. I just carry on.
As far as knowing that such certain desire exists is rather unfair. I wish I'd never felt it. That way I would be oblivious to this torment. I choose also to not entertain the memories but that's unavoidable at times. Scents, songs, just random **** can trigger it. I fight though.
I like your views on things. I feel your pain. Here's to the fighting the feelings DancingFire!

Yes, it does seem we understand each other. Its a sad place to be... one of resigning one's self to a lack of hope, yet the very essence of hope is that you die if you kill it altogether, so we still hope... we just perhaps pretend we don't or we lessen our expectations. So, rather than wishing for soul connecting sex or sex that feels good, I will keep waiting for him to approach me and then pray its not painful emotionally or physically and that in the end I don't feel simply like a human blow up doll. I'm going to say its going to have to be sufficient that I have a roof over my head and a means to pay the bills and someone to shuttle kids to and from events with. And not pretend its more and be grateful it isn't less. Who said it was supposed to be better anyways? The movies? Maybe this is normal (and from reading on EP I am beginning to think that it is... that this is what marriage is and those who have it better are unique anomalies.) We all know, in a perfect world, it could be better. But its not. And no one said life is fair, or fulfilling. So, This is in fact... IT. Let's make the best of it I guess. Carry on, Carry on.

And that is the cold hard truth. Well said lady, well said. Be this as IT may be......I'd rather be in attendance with anomalies ;). I'd rather not settle, I wanna make a movie, what's the recipe for that which we desire? Sign me up. Co habitating, settling, and carrying on simply just isn't enough. There is only so much happiness one can sacrifice before it no longer is bearable. Pretending is unfair for both parties. It seems unfair how much of a misconception marriage is or can become. At any rate it is unfortunate we find ourselves in hiding talking amongst ourselves about IT. I never thought it would come to this :(

Right there with you... well said... I don't pretend anymore and I just try to be kind and loving, but not pretend. It brings hell fire and brimstone... lemme tell you... I have been emotionally beaten down by my family back into submission.... for now. Just taking a breather... keep the faith, in love.

I admire your strength. Props to you. With your optimism may you prevail

We did some making out... which I never really enjoyed... honestly. I had this thing that oh once we got married... it would be better... because then its "right"... if that makes sense... I broke up with him several times because I hated how he kisses... ya I know, stupid. I was young and felt that he loved me so much, maybe no one would love me like that. I had a messed up view of what all that should be. Too young to shake the voices of my upbringing and just wanted to be loved. I brought this upon myself.

That's what I've keep trying to do... numb it away... then it won't matter no matter what happens to me or because of me. And I am missing out. I have missed out far too long and that is what I struggle to reconcile... how do I stop missing out without destroying those around me. I just want to shake myself and yell "GET A GRIP WOMAN! Get with the program, just be what they all need you to be."

I started trying to do that a year ago... and was met with unbearable anger. That has subsided in the last 5 months for the most part, but then there are nights, like last night, where the icy coldness breaks my heart.