I Married My Best Friend...and Enemy

When I met my husband, I was a single parent of 2. He was the funniest person I had ever met and was very sincere. We were friends for 3 years before we started dating. He was my best friend and was amazing with my children. I think back then I made excuses for the anger that he sometimes showed me because he was just beginning to deal with his home life (his dad was and is horrible...possibly undiagnosed bipolar). Having come from a tough upbringing, I felt that I could relate. I understood what it was like to be mad at the world. However, I thought that it was a phase in his life that he would get over. He never got over it.

Things got really bad after we got married and I got pregnant (something he begged for). He had just finished med school by the skin of his teeth and was in his residency.He had severe outburst during his 1st year of residency and thus lost it. He could not get another residency in our area because he had burned bridges while in med school and in his residency, not to mention he could not get passed the 2nd exam. Again, I made excuses for why he was depressed and tried to be very understanding. It was when he went into a rage and took it out on my boys during my pregnancy that I told him he needed help. I told him things were not normal. Still he did not get diagnosed until 2 years ago (he was diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder (cyclothymia) which has since advanced)

My life is in constant chaos. My children and I never know whether we are coming or going. One minute he happy and the next he is a raging lunatic. His biggest trigger is my success.or time I spend with my children. I am finishing my master's degree and he has made my life a living hell throughout the process. He throws temper tantrums worse than my 5 year old when I cannot spend time with him. The only thing that seems to calm him is sex but it is never enough. He will be OK for a couple of days and then will rage and say I never give him any. He makes me feel like an object instead of the person he loves. It is a chore for me now. He doesn't do anything that he loves to do anymore and barely spends time with the kids. He puts me down and blames me for his problems. I feel like I live in a bipolar fog. I do not go out because I do not know what he is going to do. I am thankful that he does not drink or do drugs. His vice is uncontrolled spending. When he is in a mania, he spends. When he comes out of a rage, he spends to try to make up for the meanness. I know that he truly does love me and our children. My older boys have had it.

I constantly worry about my children. I do not like to leave him alone with them for long periods. I don't think that he will hurt them physically but emotionally he (and has) can do damage. My oldest acts more like the man of the house than my husband. My youngest is extremely bright (possibly gifted) but is very insecure because he understands more than his 5 year old mind can handle. I try to hide it from him but when my husband tells him he is going to take him to the park but has an episode and changes his mind what am I to do. He feels that his dad is a liar and has said that he doesn't think that his dad likes him. My son does not know how to function in chaos and needs structure as do most children. He is slowly becoming more controlled, but with that comes a person who does not want to be involved with anything. He is either sleeping all of the time or he is borderline raging. I finally got him to see a different psychologist and I hope it will help. The problem is that he is not honest with his doctors. I have been witness to this in our marriage counseling sessions.

I know that he is trying and yes his rages are a lot more controlled now but the depression seems worse. He has threatened suicide on several occasions...once while he was on his way to work, he's an EMT and works nights. I could not get in touch with him for more than 3 hours, I was devastated. I feel that the suicide threats are his way of manipulating me. I want to leave but I am committed to my marriage. However, I feel that this life is not acceptable for my 5 year old (gifted children are not what people think they are as they have low frustration levels and are emotional). I am at my wits end. I can't keep up with my 5 year olds sensitivities, 2 teenagers, and a bipolar husband. I feel like I have lost myself. I feel like I am the one that needs counseling. I second guess myself all of the time now and this is sooo unlike me.

I know this may sound like I am rambling but I just needed to vent, and everyone here seemed to know what I am living with.
msprtyldy msprtyldy
36-40, F
1 Response Aug 22, 2010

Thank you for your kind words. It has been a very rough month.