Upside Down, Boy You Turn Me Inside Out And Round And Round

My life is never stable, never peaceful with my bipolar husband.  When I married him, I didn't know he was mentally ill.  I thought he was a little hyper, perhaps with a bad temper.  Now, after almost 9 years of marriage and two children, he's been finally diagnosed.

He complains all the time about my lack of affection and the fact that I don't want to have sex with him.  He is verbally abusive, argumentative and demanding.  He throws temper tantrums like a three year old.  When I do give in and have sex with him, he's okay for a while.  The only way to get him to calm down is to give him sex. HE CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH! 

He's insecure and it is driving me crazy. I want to leave, but don't have any money.  He makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave, telling me I'm going to destroy our family.

He tried meds, but got off of them. 

What am I going to do?

msmagnolia msmagnolia
41-45, F
14 Responses Oct 22, 2006

Hits home same here, but tired not so sure for the sake of my well being if I can do it anymore after 25 yrs. He is great today but next month don't know what I will be dealing with UGH!

Almost to a tee... seven years of marriage and very similar story

I am currently in a relationship with a bipolar/manic guy. I've been with him for two years, and it's been rough. It's not easy, it takes hard work and dedication. He self medicates, and I've been explaining to him that it only does so much. When he's in his depressed state, he tends to be promiscuous. He will get online make up a fake email and start talking to other people and put up very X-rated pictures of himself so he can get attention. He takes comfort in the wrong places It's sad to see that happen, because not only does it hurt me, when his mood shifts he will feel like crap for doing it. Usually it last from a week to a month. The last time it happened it lasted for 2 months, and he lied to me about it and he deceived me, and made me think I was doing wrong, but I wasn't. When I told him I was breaking up with him, I've never seen him cry like that before. He just held me and he didn't want me to go because he felt that gave up on him like everybody else has..This is the 4th time he has done that to me. So I told him, if you want this to work with us, get back on your meds and see a therapist. You have some deep issues that I can't help you with, but I can be there for you. So needless to say, I had to put our relationship aside for a little while, and just be a friend. It worked. He's doing much better and he still has his spells. I call them "spells" lol. I'm always there for him, because I love him!

I am married to am who suffers from bipolar/manic episodes which have become violent, on top of it he abuses alcohol frequently, I have experience with addictions however his mental illness is beyond me, I feel he needs to adress his disease but he refuses and is definatly in denial. At this point I need to know how can I take care of myself in this relationship?

Put your marriage aside, as hard it will be. You do have to look out for yourself, but if you really love him. Maybe that will make him realize and get some help. You can be there for him as a friend, go to counseling with him. Show him you have his support and start over. Because it is a great feeling when both of you are on the same page. It's gonna take time.

Married for almost 30 yrs to a bi-polar husband. I always thought he was extremely hyper, never knew there was a name for it. the sex demands over the yrs has been very exhausting. 3 children, the unbelievable highs and lows, the lack of ability for him to even seek a normal paying job, forcing me to be the only breadwinner. his constant blaming others for everything wrong in his life, his extreme highs for weeks of non<x>stop talking, delusions and grandiose behavior (embarrassing), his crashes where he stays in bed for a month and then back on the manic crazy train. wont stay on meds as he distrusts all doctors. I am now 45 and I am done. I am not in love with this person. He has nowhere to go, I dont know what to do. My children have suffered enough. they range in age from 9-23. Why cant I have him committed until he gets stable on some meds? this bi-polar illness is the worst, ruined my life. i have wasted a lifetime on someone who doesnt want help, doesnt even think he has a problem. Sad.

The hard part about bi-polar disorder is that one medication doesn't work for everybody. Some of the medications actually make the patient feel sick or uncomfortable. Sometimes it takes years before the right combination is hit upon. Its tough for both the patient and the people who live with him or her.<br />
I have an aunt who had to wait 20 years before there was a medication invented that actually worked for her.<br />
Can you imagine how disappointed she felt after 19 years of trial and error. But finally something worked.

I have been married to my bipolar husband for almost 4 years , at the moment we are separated , and to be honest we have been separated most of the time , because the abuse and manipulation , darkness and sadness is in a great level taking my peace and my stability.<br />
He says he takes his medicine , he says he has changed and wants to try it again I am scare and even tough i see some change i still see the same patterns , sometimes i feel like accepting him back in my life just because of my commitment ans also because i think of my older years by myself, sometimes i feel guilty for not wanting this kind of life for not being more supportive , but my rational side tells me how wrong this is , I also believe he uses his bipolar condition a an excuse as a right reason to start something bad .Somebody said to not allow the abuse how do you do that without making him go crazy . What would you do please some guidance.

Mine wont take meds or do the group sessions, Last week he was driving and almost hit a woman and dog in the cross walk...he thiks its always the "other" persons fault, I was putting laundy away and found many of my panties stuffed in the arm of his sweaters...I dont understand this anymore and will be asking the court to help remove him....He has done this to two other woman he dated in town, Both of whom have informed me to be cauious. Sad this is part of life.<br />
<br />
There are givers and there are takers................

You talking about me too.I feel dehydiate most of the time.NO episode I only feel scare to let the pot go.

Yep me too

I have been dealing with my sometimes loving and rational, other times raging, abusive, "completely out of touch with reality" bipolar husband for three years and I have already had enough. His behavior is absolutely destructive to himself and everyone around him. It doesn't matter how much I love him - I have to leave for my own sanity and safety. He and his whole family are in complete denial, I have no hope left.

If they are in denial-- run! There is NO changing them!

I am in the same boat! I think my husband, his father, and grandfather all had bipolar, and it is obvious that my mother-in-law is absolutely miserable after staying with an untreated bipolar for 40 years. My husband is in complete denial, his counselor is trying to manage with just counseling and my husband knows how to 'act the part' during his therapy sessions, so that he doesn't recommend medication. I had to leave in order to preserve my own sanity. The burden of an untreated bipolar man in denial was just too great to bear! Thanks for sharing your story... I can TOTALLY relate.

There is hope if HE is willing to help himself. Love is not enough when you are in a relationship with a partner who is mentally ill. You have to have the strength to hold your family together when he is unable to be a productive part of the family; you have to have self-control when his moods swing from left to right and back again; you have to have double the self-respect and self-confidence when he tries to bring you down to avoid looking at his own behavior; above all you have to be willing to learn, understand and support your partner through their own learning and acceptance process. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, we have 5 children (one of whom is Bipolar as well) and it hasn't gotten any easier, it's simply changed a bit. It takes a special person to live with a loved one who is Bipolar, but it doesn't make you any less of a person if you can't. It's a lifetime of hard work, cherishing the moments of peace and perservering through the moments of chaos. What's most important, I've found, is being open about mental illness within your household. Making home a place of understanding and honest communication. Without that your partner will not be willing to accept the responsibility of medication and therapy as a means to happiness. Good luck....but remember, if he is not willing to help himself then your help will be in vein. God bless!

I think my husband is Bipolar but he never wants sex or kissing or affection. He is always moody and expects me to be supportive. When I think I am, he always starts something with me inorder to have an outburst.. I live 2 hours from my family and I don't have anyone to run to when he goes off so I close myself up in my BR. He just started meds 2 days ago but continues to drink and smoke pot. I'm scared it won't work but I pray so hard that it does. He is on Abilify..

I am in the sane boat as you. Sometimes he wants sex, but most often it is me initiating and getting rejected. He starts fights with me all the time! Then blames me for not listening to him. He belittles me constantly, then tells me it is me-- I am playing the victim, etc. He has been on meds for 4 of our 10 years together. And started self medicating with dope and alcohol 5 years ago.

I am at a loss. If we didn't have kids, I would have left him. I am from a broken home and I don't want to put my kids through that, but I also don't want the mentally and emotionally abused either!

I went through the same thing for 18 years, he was always moody, couldn't get enough sex, was abusive to me and the kids if I didn't give it up to him. When I finally kicked him out, it took him about three weeks to hook up with an illegal mexican, that lived in a flop house, crack lab.

Be patient. Get educated. If you love him, he is likely worth loving. It just may take a little strength and understanding (okay...maybe a lot.) But, speaking as a bi-polar person, myself, I know that the thing I miss most in my dealings with other people is understanding. They don't understand my mood swings or what motivates me and that causes an extreme conflict for them. This, in turn, makes me feel guilty for failing to be "normal," which could trigger another mood swing...etc., etc. Not that your lack of understanding is causing your husband to be "ill." But, for your own sake, if you love him, try to remember why....and give him the time, space and understanding to be whoever he is...even if it means he'll never fit into a "normal" mode. Different is good. But, don't let him abuse you...and, he shouldn't be using bipolar as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. Hope this helps some......Good luck!!!!