I have been married to my husband for 18 years.  I am at the point where I don't know if I love him anymore.  I feel lots of resentment towards him.  He has been diagnosed as bipolar for about 2 years, however our son who has just turned 18 has been diagnosed since he was about 12.  

I have come to the decision to have some time away from him.  Call it a split or separation if that is what you want to call it.  But I am tired.  My own health has been compromised by high blood pressure, weight gain and depression of my own.  I am unsure if I still love him.  I know he loves me I have never doubted that through our marriage of infidelity, financial woes, and his mood swings.  

He is faithful in taking his medications..lamictal, seroquil, testosterone, and a few other meds that I cannot remember.  He works late and then takes the meds and goes to sleep, we get in time together but I don't care to be alone with him anymore.  I run away from intimacy, I just don't want to be with him like that and I am tired of turning him down.  He says that he would take a year of having no intimacy than to not be with me.  I don't think that is enough for me.  

I think I need time, time away from him, time to heal myself and to help our boys.  
niknup4christ niknup4christ
36-40, F
4 Responses Apr 4, 2011

Omg! My life is exactly how yours is. We are going to celebrate 19 yrs of marriage and all I can think about is all the yrs I've wasted. The only good has been my children. I'm so very tired to and thinking if taking a break also.

The one most important thing that I have learnt in my 25 year marriage to my bipolar husband is to forgive forgive forgive. If we wait until we understand why things happen we will all be torn apart. Don't let that happen. Forgiveness has worked for me when I lay in my bed crying, when I feel I cannot go on anymore with this stupid illness...and yes....most of what happens IS about the bipolar. It pollutes EVERYTHING! But...we all have a choice...and it is that realization that I have control over the one thing that makes a difference (forgiveness) ...that heals the pain!!! It HEALED my pain and helped me go on...and rekindled the love I had for my man!

It sounds like you went through a huge storm, and now that it has calmed down, you have the time and energy to realize how unhappy you WERE. I say take a vacation with your friends, but keep in contact with him. Give yourself that break you needed years ago, then give it another try. If the meds aren't working, or you still feel repulsed by him (and it isn't menopause), then readdress divorce.<br />
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I am I. The throws of it myself. My husband is an emotional roller coaster, and I am exhausted. But I am going to give counseling a try first.<br />
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For your 18 yo's sake, don't list bi-polar as the reason for divorce (if it goes there).

Having had bipolar in my own family, I was curious about your story. I imagine that your husband's case is somewhat mild or he would have been diagnosed earlier. How bad is it? And, is that the reason you need a break. Why is it that you don't want to be alone with him. I get the feeling that you are just fed up with the challenges of dealing with someone who is not stable. It can be much like a co-dependent person in an alcoholic relationship. I hope your husband is stable on his meds and that a separation works for you.<br />
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Also, why does he take testosterone?