The TruthI want to share my story with others. Not only for myself, but for others who feel desperate, and alone.
I purposely did not read any other stories before writing my own. I want to put my story out there; unbiased as possible.
I have been with my husband, for 12 years. The moment I met him, I was hooked! Three years younger than myself, he was tall, dark, handsome, with an aura of confidence and strength about him.
We met, and he never went home. Simple as that! A few months passed, and myself and two young sons ( from previous marriage) moved to his home in his hometown.
We lived together for three years, and married when our twin daughters were 6 months old. Five years later We had another blessing... A daughter.
There were signs of anger and non trust that I noticed early... For example... He drank heavily, once, while sitting on his grandmas couch, I made the comment to him, "self-medicating?" for years my husband tried to drink his anger and feelings away. Then quit for four years. I felt alone, sad, and committed all at the same time. The shame I felt when he would scream and be abusive to me or my sons was embarrassing and debilitating.
I have often felt as if I am a single parent. Not knowing what the next day would bring.
I was diagnosed having stress disorder after a serious accident in 1994. I have often wondered why I was so attracted to my husband at the beginning, being raised so conventionally, great childhood, end up with am add/bipolar man? I still don't know.
I have always been a self-concious, low self esteemed person.
Religious, and also have addictive personality traits. I have my own issues, obviously,
And work hard to give my kids a decent moral upbringing with love and understanding. However, my sons have suffered, a great deal, because my past efforts were to no avail. When they were young, my husband and I fought. Argued, belittled each other. It wasn't "me" it was who I HAD to be to survive.
I would be so sad so much my sons felt alone too. I could see it.
No matter how much I told them I loved them, or hugged them, or even gave them their "way", it didn't stop THEIR pain.
My husband adopted them at ages 5 and ten. The same year the twins were born.
My husband drank for the next three years, and I fought with a drunk bipolar man.
We sought help from professionals at about this time. 30-40 different cocktails later. At the present time he is on lithium and concerta and several other medications which thus far are the most successful.
My husband rarely tells me or my sons that he lives us. It's an obvious issue of trust. The older the child gets, the less affection.
I struggle with this issue often, sometimes wondering if he is more like a brother to me. Feelings of affection ate not natural for him? Nor does he think of others feelings. He makes fun of people and also doesn't mind screaming out of anger anytime. I quickly learned how to avoid social disturbances. I keep my distance, and don't stay long.
My husband was beaten by his father(witness accounts)
Which the father denies. He was treated poorly in school and ostracized for his hyper behavior. I was told he was neglected as a young child.
However, he is a succesful union member for 16 years.
I left him two years ago because he had started drinking again after a tragic accident had occurred at a job sit he was on.
He drank for two years. I left him for year, because I had to let him know his behavior (the drinking and abuse) was
Intolerable. I packed all five children, a u-haul and was gone by noon.
He never thought I would leave. although we still saw each other during that time we lived apart
We have been back together now for a year. Things are better.
With God anything is possible.