My Bipolar Husband
We have been together for 12 years and have 2 sons. I call him my husband but in fact we have never married. This is my choice and while I tell him its financial or find another excuse, if I'm honest its because I feel I could never walk away if I made that commitment - and the times I feel like walking away are many. Like so many of you whose stories I've read I've been abused verbally and mentally, cheated on, lied to and treated like dirt. But throughout all that, when he is good hes very very good. But when hes bad hes horrid. We've been living separately for 2 years now because I ran out of excuses as to why it was ok for him to abuse me in front of our children. He was only officially diagnosed this year and is taking his meds faithfully. So far.I think I naively thought that the meds would fix him overnight which I realise is ridiculous but I was so relieved that we had a diagnosis finally that I wanted it all to happen right away.But nothing has changed yet and I still walk around on eggshells waiting for the next incident, analysing everythig he says and does and watching for the tell tale signs. Now I find myself doubting our future and whether I even love him at all. I'm so tired of being his everything and having to live my life day to day. But how can I walk away and try to find some peace and happiness and "normality" when he has, after 11 years actually gone and got help and is on the road to recovery. Does the fact I think about being in a different relationship make me a heartless *****? Do I really want out or am I just subconsciously stepping back and allowing his mental health team to do their thing? I'm so very confused and miserable. Any advice would help.