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Through It All....

So, I am one of the odd ones that actually WANT to stay married to my bipolar man. People call me crazy but we are celebrating our 25th anniversary soon. I love him more today than the day we met and that is not a small feat. His bipolar is type 2 rapid cycle and I have been to hell and back...but I've made it through it all because of my Lord Jesus Christ. Yes...I know without God I would be dead right now. He has helped me through everything...even the latest mania this past weekend. I cried all weekend, but with prayer and communication we diffused the bomb for the umteenth time. I am here to encourage that you can have a real life, a happy life, and children that do not grow up wounded. It is darn hard work but it is definitely worth it. Faith has worked for me, and the meds have worked for him. For us as a couple and as parents the two go hand in hand. Mostly, i have learnt that I have to separate the bipolar from the man I love...and he is not his illness...I've taught that to my children all through their lives. Now I am proud to say, they are wonderful well rounded young adults. Yes it has been hard and probably will continue to be, but....I am strong. I AM STRONG! ...and so are all of you or you wouldn't be here. So I encourage you to love your bipolar spouse...just love love love...as love covers over a multitude of sin....and...the hardest one.....forgive!
craftykat craftykat 46-50, F 6 Responses Mar 4, 2012

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My husband and I just celebrated our first year of marriage. He I believe is Bipolar, he served our country in the Army for 11 years. He has been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. I love him dearly, and I am glad that someone else has been through this. He has been on several different meds and none have really worked without some serious side effects. . . He is a great man, and a good dad. We just had our first child a few months ago.
My question is, is your husband impulsive, mine won't plan for anything. . . That's what some of our major fights are over, I'm very much a planner and he is a "plan as we go" person. . . I understand already to pick and choose my battles and I try.

Also, sometimes it seems like he has "triggers" like if we talk about bills or things that stress him out, and that's when he seems to snap.

Yes, DDgirl...mine is impulsive, especially when it comes to purchases. Don't get me wrong, he is strict with money, and has an analytically mind, but he's made a lot of foolish purchases. We have had over 100 cars in the last 25 years...probably more. And...at first I said to myself, "What the heck?" Then...I decided to do something out of the ordinary. Instead of fighting it, I gave in. I know that sounds dumb to most. They wonder why I don't put my foot down. Well, firstly, you just don't do that when your husband is bipolar. People mean well when they give you advice, but THEY don't deal with mental illness on a daily basis so they don't know what they're talking about.

You are headed down a long road, a road of difficulty (I wish I could sugar coat it for you sweetheart but I can't...that wouldn't help you) What I can say is what worked for me so that it would all be worth it. And the solution isn't what people would think. I gave into the impulsiveness and just gave him space. He is free to spend the money how he likes, buy cars by the handful, but...HE must deal with it. By that I mean, we have debt, he feels it, he needs to sell things, he eventually does. And me...I see him through it ALL.

I am no saint so I hope people don't think of me as one. I just have learnt the hard way...and If I can help any one of you out there, this has all been worth it.

I don't try to control him, like he has done with me. I give, I work HARD at it. Sometimes, I hate him for it ALL...but then I forgive. I try again, and I also leave it up to God to control him. I know not everyone has a faith like I do, but God has helped me. Other's may find help in different ways. I respect that. But...for me. Jesus Christ has truly been my savior in it all.

And yes, there are triggers. Kids are the number one trigger. A crying baby, lack of sleep, a foolish teenager mouthing off, money, bills...everything in a regular marriage without bipolar, magnified 100 times or more. (Remove the triggers and BP will subside)

So...I let my husband control the bills as foolish as that is. It works for me. I tell him, I don't spend it, so I really don't want to go through all the bills he made. I know that's not really wise, but, it works. A Bipolar person needs to be in control. Give it to him. He has to learn. Unfortunately, it's at your expense, and will be at your children's expense, but...what is the alternative? More pain? More suffering? No...do this for yourself. (And YOU be the one to plan things, but be VERY flexible...and make it seem like his idea. Sneaky...but it works. Basically, just include his ideas. If you make a plan, and he wants to do it differently, oh well...change. It becomes like a wave...go with the wave and be flexible and impulsive. Foolish, but can be fun...and fun is what we need more of in a bipolar dominated marriage. But...little by little, we weed out the triggers and a new hope begins. We can see the beauty again :)

Grrr..hope people don't snap at me for this. I don't want to give advice, thinking I know it all...only tell my story to help.

I also write. I have ten books published but not about Bipolar. I'm too chicken to tell all about that right now in my life. Mostly, because I don't want to hurt my husband. If I tell all, it hurts his credibility, and I don't think that is right.

But...I must get my feelings out somehow, and writing is my outlet. I chose to help people, encourage others, with my writing. I don't want to put the link to my writing up here because of confidentiality. But, if there is anyone remotely interested in encouragement, you can email me and I'll give you the link. kbearandcubs@accesscomm.ca
But please don't reveal my name on this site, or on my book sites. Life is harder when people know every detail of what a wife with a bipolar husband goes through...yet it is easier sometimes too. Crazy. That's our lives right? But whatever, if anyone is interested in my writing, email me. We can use all the encouragement we can get. Take car, be safe, and God bless!

You completely motivate me and make me feel normal for WANTING to stay married to my bipolar husband! No one around me understands why I would want to stay married to him. I've been praying that God lead me the right direction and help me decide what I need to do. After reading your post I feel confident that after 13 years of marriage I can still go for another 13. I love my husband. When he is "normal" he is loving, understanding, funny and my soul mate. I can't let go of that. He is an amazing father to our children and I don't want to take that away from them. Sadly in our 13 years of marriage he's had 3 horrid episodes, one being 2 days ago. Even after it all and everyone around me supporting me to leave him, my heart just doesn't want to let go. I am a strong woman but people around me would beg to differ. 13 years ago I married him for better or for worse in sickness and in health and through his sickness I will stand by his side. Thank you thank you thank you for your post! God bless you and continue to guide you and protect you through this difficult journey.

Thank you Maria! I am glad it helped. That's why I wanted to share this...to encourage. It ain't easy loving a bipolar husband but it has been worth it for me. We just celebrated 25 years of marriage. He is my love...I love even his bipolar because it is part of him. It took me a long time to realize I had to love him at the worst of times, but love conquers all. One of my favorite verses in the Bible helps me through..."Love covers over a multitude of sin" and when you have Bipolar you do a multitude of sinful hurtful things. What has helped me is to just LOVE! Today..now...my hubby is much calmer. Perhaps its because he's older now, or that the kids have all grown up and moved out on their own...I don't know. I like to think it's because of how hard he's worked on himself, or how much I have done to persevere, but I'm sure it's all been God...and the love I chose to give instead of hate, backtalk, bitterness, divorce. DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR MAN IF YOU CAN HELP IT! He needs LOVE more than anyone because of bipolar. Everyone is different though...so firstly, I say, be safe and make sure your kids are safe...and trust in God and LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Maria, I understand. You just hang in there. It is worth it all!!! Be safe first though and get any help you need, even if it's just you going to a Councillor or talking to a friend. You need to get your pent up feelings out. Resolve your anger over this terrible terrible thing because, let's face it. WE ARE ANGRY the person we love has bipolar! But when you let it out, deal with your own anger and pain, (give it to God or whatever helps you) then...you can move on and have the strength to persevere. And persevere is what we wives must do when loving a spouse with a mental illness, whether they admit to it or not. The alternative is to leave, and my personal belief is that God doe not want that. For me, that wouldn't have solved anything anyway, only made the situation worse. So...with that said, I have learnt to shut others out, as helpful as they try to be, and follow my heart. Do what YOU want Maria, what your heart tells you to do. But be safe. All those who deal with a bipolar spouse, know what I mean. God bless and take care of yourself. And remember...just LOVE HIM :)

What if your husband refused to get treatement, diagnosis, meds or help of any kind and then turns on your making you his worst enemy? Would you stay then? I absolutely do not mean any disrespect in my questions...I would LOVE to have the same disposition as you do but my realtiy is different. We love the Lord too and if would get treatment...I'd say forever.

It is very hard for me to answer this. I know everyone is different in their struggles and in how they handle it. The easy answer would be no. But then, there is nothing easy about living with a bipolar man. All I know from my own experience is that there is no cure-all. Meds should not make or break your relationship, nor admitting to a problem or not. If simply putting a label on it and swallowing a pill fixed this stupid bipolar thing...wouldn't we all be over joys. But realistically, it doesn't. It only helps...some. The rest of it take hard work and it ain't pretty. We've been to many councellors...sometimes just him...but the bottom line is that alone can't fix him. God can only do that and even still...we have to let him. In my experience...the best thing that has helped is my own attitude. I pray, pray pray pray pray...and God has brought me through...and in the struggle he has worked on ME.

First of all THANK YOU!! We've been married 10 years & I truly love him more now then ever! But sometimes I wonder if he really loves me...I hope and think he does.

Thank u for understanding, most don't!!! I guess I needed 2 hear a positive voice(so to speak)...THANKS!!!

Krissy

you are welcome:)

I understand that pain. It's so hard to trust when you live with a man with Bipolar. One minute it's bliss, next minute your heart is twisted into knots and you think you will surely die of the pain he is causing you. It's so very hard for anyone to understand, only those who go through it can truly know that rollercoaster life.



Even though my man is on his meds, he still has issues. People think everything just goes away when they are on meds. Not so...yes, it is much better, but he has to do the hard work and deal with the repercussions of his behavior. There in lays the rub!



But...what I have lived by for 25 years is this. I NEVER EVER EVER run. I made a pact with myself to never run away from my problems, not matter what. NO MATTER WHAT! I have walked out of the room, out of the house, waited until my husband calmed down. I force my brain to believe there is ALWAYS a way back from the brink of death. No situation is hopeless.



I have found that running from problems, prolonging restitution, separation, divorce...doesn't help with Bipolar. It only makes we spouses hurt and our suffering grow. I never want that. Never. Our pain and stress and hardship is bad enough without adding to it.



The way I look at it is that pain is inevitable with a bipolar husband. You have to ask yourself if you're willing to live with pain. I've asked myself that question so many times I can't count...and my answer is always. Yes! I know that is sounds crazy to some but pain is everywhere in the world. We just get it supersized sometimes.



We can't avoid getting hurt in life no matter who we live with, are married to, work with, but we CAN control how we react to it. It's how we react that determines the outcome. I can honestly say, living with a Bipolar husband has made me who I am. I have empathy, I love more deeply, can help others who are hurting.



All these things are my diamonds! Bipolar is hardly a valuable thing, but it has made me precious because of what I have been through. THAT IS NOT NOTHING! Not many people can say that about themselves. BUT YOU CAN!



I can't tell you if it is wise to go back to your husband, only you can know that. Only you know what is going on. BUT....I say there is always a way back. Always a way to heal. Always a second chance.



I know that God has helped me EVERYTIME...and he can help you!



And for me....sticking WITH my man is my ONLY option because it's worth it to me. Not the pain...but who I am because of it!



No matter what you do...don't give up on YOURSELF and your pursuit of happiness! You can get on the flipside! Biploar is not a death sentence even though it feels like it sooooo many times.



There is always hope!

i am too... married to a bipolar... separated since november, and he is begging me to come bck with him... i dont know yet, i am not sure. i am thinking of giving him a chance but so damn afraid to be in pain again.