The Choices We Make Are the Roads We Take- Married to An Mdp
A young man I just got to know,told me he was on 'drugs' at times. That was my introduction to a manic depressive personality 22years ago. I promised to support him to get over it.
Caught in being protective about him and loving someone who needed me, we were married within 2 years- 22 & 24.
What followed-Violence, abuse, no job, no money, being in a house with 2 other manic depressives- his mom and sister- and i didn't tell my parents. I wrote I hated him in my diary and I cut my hand, I even ate his medicine but I didn't leave him- because something in me refused to give up and I couldn't stop caring.
It was so bad that I stopped talking to other people, stopped going out- my only desire was to have a normal day a normal boyfriend and then a normal husband.And that I would like to die, to not wake up.
It has taken me 22 years to ever talk about it like this but those years were a nightmare which has never gone away. He beat me when he was angry or I said anything, he abused me very very regularly and i remember just wondering what did I do.. was it my fault??
He hit me with a badminton racket once and then apologised as always telling me it was my fault because i was a kid and didn't understand that i couldn't upset him with what his mother had done.
I would cry hurt be miserable but he would be so charming as is the personality trait of MDP's that I started thinking I was dumb. He liked me to think I was dumb.
he got me to believe I was wrong. I lived in mortal fear of him. There were days I didn't have money to buy groceries but I couldn't ask because he would freak- hit abuse.
I had a red diary which said- I hate this ...., that had every detail of my life because it kept me alive. Everyday i would write- I will not give in, I will be happy and i will be normal.
It's another thng that I was just stupid and hadn't told anybody and his mother or sisters weren't going to tell my family.
Then my daughter was born. She seemed to change everything or atleast in my state- fear, major major fear- I had support. Now he couldn't get to me, I would fight. I would work, i would have a life.
i was intelligent, I was smart but that seemed like another life time then.
But i fought, for myself and my daughter. I refused to be with him after 20 days of her birth for the first time, he got drunk took the car and banged into a police post.
I persevered- took up a job and even re-learnt how to drive from the money I saved
that was 15 years back. About ten years back he hit me in front of my 1 year old son- by then I had put together some courage. I had support from one or two friends I had turned to in desperation, actually they had seen a bruise.
I walked out. I told my parents- nearly broke their hearts so to say. i even stayed away for a year. But then I went back because he said he had changed- he did, he stopped abusing. hitting me. By now a lot more people knew and i had a lot of support so he couldn't.
He changed, was a lot nicer but did things change between us- No. I think in my head I had let go. he could not despite whatever said, be what i wanted because of his limitations. My support and counseling kept me from falling into the same trap of being mother to him all the time.
It gave me the space to finally grow. I did another degree, struggled but finally became a little more comfortable financially.
I do two full time jobs now, have two children aged 15 and 11 and a husband I still don't understand. I am happier much much happier than ever, because I have the kind of people around me who will give their life for me. my children are a blessing and my husband has also changed a lot.
But will I ever have a great relationship- No, he needs me as support for advice and cannot do the same for me. he cannot take tensions and can only focus on his work which is what he does very well. He is amazingly brilliant but is also withdrawn and negative one day and happy another day.
Life has been hell for him too. It is not easy to go through what he did from the age of 14 - manic and depressive both and to be on medication foever, see your father die of cancer, have no job, have your sister get the same problem and have the symptoms in your mother too.Then to have your wife and kids leave you and to see your wife move away fom you emotionally and mentally.
I don't know today what he wants, but I am responsible for him. Sometimes he is nice, most of the times withdrawn and has a lot of his personal hell to deal with.
This story doesn't have an end... I missed out on a normal life because I didn't make a choice to walk out and didn't share with family. There is still too much hurt there and still the desire to have the kind of a relationship where partners are a support and there is someone I can turn too.
But I also know I am what I am today, because of the choices I made. I am today proud of myself and very proud of my children. I have an excellent support structure in friends and family.
Life is about making the best of what you get and i feel I have worked hard on it. I cannot but thank god for what I have.
He and i might not have a relationship where we are close but we run a good home, are there for each other, have great children and I share all his problems with him. We even have great times on holidays, parties etc.
I have left him to a large extent to deal with all his minor issues of life himself because I would have gone mad otherwise. I am still there for him though- like when he has a phase or needs medication, has tensions at work etc.
My story has a simple ob
Being happy is in our hands. Fight for what your heart says because you are not wrong, it is not a situation you could ever predict.
Don't let this relationship be your reference point in life. you will probably do yourself and your partner a favour. You, because you will feel more in control and him/ her because you will not burden them with what they cannot do.
Either choose to let go or choose to stay and stay happily. There is a lot i could have done but I am also proud today of what I have done.