I Am Married To A Controlling And Posessive Man
It is true what they say - when you are in an abusive relationship you stay because you don’t have the strength to leave. Unfortunately, the longer you stay in the relationship the more difficult it is to leave.
The abuse has shredded my self-esteem, destroyed my self-confidence, and made me doubt everything I’ve ever done. I survived my mother’s abandonment and my father’s second marriage and my step-monsters’ verbal abuse. I survived being a latch-key kid, the Chicago public school system and waiting an hour for a standing room only CTA bus in the middle of many winter snowstorms.
I have been asking myself then - why can’t I survive this?
I feel like I am in a cage without a door and I can see the way out but I am paralyzed by doubt and fear. I no longer trust that I can function outside of this marriage, this house – this room.
This did not happen overnight in fact it was a slow and methodical process that Dreamkiller implemented as soon as I said “I do”. Over the years, I have been withdrawing from family and friends and they have also withdrawn from me. Now my home is mostly empty of anyone but the Dreamkiller, the cat and myself.
My daughter and grandson visit, at times he sleeps over they keep me emotionally connected to the world.
I have a very high-stress, fast paced job that involves a great deal of dedication and despite my situation, I manage to excel in what I do. I recall for some time feeling accomplished but that too has changed.
Our home was built into a hill in the late 1920’s; it is a solid cement structure. The design of the house makes it look like a single story home. But just beyond the living room, before the long hallway and through a door on the right, stairs lead you into another long hallway and into the library and another bedroom. I chose the bedroom above the library for my at-home office, I spent some time painting and preparing this room and it is where I spend most of my evenings and weekends. I chose a dark green color with white trim and the French doors are also painted white.
There are two large windows overlooking the front lawn and a few very large old trees, a short stone wall divides the lawn from the street. It is a tranquil and peaceful view that gives me a panoramic view of the outside. I call it the green room, it has become more than my at-home office, it has taken on the life of a true green room. I work, dress, nap and ponder as I patiently wait to live what is left of my life.
The abuse has shredded my self-esteem, destroyed my self-confidence, and made me doubt everything I’ve ever done. I survived my mother’s abandonment and my father’s second marriage and my step-monsters’ verbal abuse. I survived being a latch-key kid, the Chicago public school system and waiting an hour for a standing room only CTA bus in the middle of many winter snowstorms.
I have been asking myself then - why can’t I survive this?
I feel like I am in a cage without a door and I can see the way out but I am paralyzed by doubt and fear. I no longer trust that I can function outside of this marriage, this house – this room.
This did not happen overnight in fact it was a slow and methodical process that Dreamkiller implemented as soon as I said “I do”. Over the years, I have been withdrawing from family and friends and they have also withdrawn from me. Now my home is mostly empty of anyone but the Dreamkiller, the cat and myself.
My daughter and grandson visit, at times he sleeps over they keep me emotionally connected to the world.
I have a very high-stress, fast paced job that involves a great deal of dedication and despite my situation, I manage to excel in what I do. I recall for some time feeling accomplished but that too has changed.
Our home was built into a hill in the late 1920’s; it is a solid cement structure. The design of the house makes it look like a single story home. But just beyond the living room, before the long hallway and through a door on the right, stairs lead you into another long hallway and into the library and another bedroom. I chose the bedroom above the library for my at-home office, I spent some time painting and preparing this room and it is where I spend most of my evenings and weekends. I chose a dark green color with white trim and the French doors are also painted white.
There are two large windows overlooking the front lawn and a few very large old trees, a short stone wall divides the lawn from the street. It is a tranquil and peaceful view that gives me a panoramic view of the outside. I call it the green room, it has become more than my at-home office, it has taken on the life of a true green room. I work, dress, nap and ponder as I patiently wait to live what is left of my life.
By:
Strangelife
Age:
41-45
,
Female
2
responses
