Is He A Crossdesser Or Something More?

Just a over 1 year ago today I discovered that my husband had a life-long secret... That he is a Crossdresser. Him and I had been arguing one evening and he had a few too many drink and called me a nasty name (very unusually for him). 

Here are the events that took place over the course of 5 mins that changed not only my life but the lives of both of our children. I would sell my soul to the devil to go back and undo what has been done.
      Now late that night I was pretending to be on the couch when he came downstairs with his laptop.  I didn't want to argue anymore and he bought it.  He set his laptop on the kitchen counter and went outside for a few minutes. My thought was "why does he need his laptop at 1:30am while he is drunk?". So I took his laptop off of the counter and sat it on a chair.  He came back a few mins later to look for It. He stumbled around in the dark, gave up the search and went to bed. 
     When the coast was clear I opened it up. I was not prepared for what I saw.  His recent Internet history revealed copious amounts of transvestite *********** (aka: tranny ****). It also showed an email address that I had never seen and the inbox had some spam from transvestite dating sights. All I saw was RED!  The battery was dying so I closed it up and saw red for the rest of the long long night. 
     So, I then decided sometime that night that I would send him an email (to the secret address). 

            Now I know why you were so pissed off at me last night.....
      Because I don't have a D*** for you to s***!
     Your loving wife"

All the next morning I sat waiting for him to get my email.....
It wasn't until around 2:00pm did he see it. He had take our youngest out to see an air show.... He was not got 15 mins when he came back with his tail I between his legs.  
       His words were "well I guess you found out my secret?". I guess I was still in shock because all I could do was grin and nod. We had a long discussion, of which I barely remember. He did confess that he had always liked to dress in women's clothing and that he had even snuck around as a little boy and put his mothers clothes on. He swore up and down that he had never been "unfaithful" during our marriage (almost 15 years). He said "I sometimes fanticize anout penises and it turns me on to fanticise about being  girl and taking the......" you get the picture! Anyhow.... I did believe him, at the time. He also assured me that he was not "homosexual" and that he "likes girls" Mind you, I was, and still am in considerable shock. He also confessed that he "had only the one experience with another male when he was in his late teens".  When he told me about that he said it like he had already told me years ago.... I didn't know and if he had told me I think I would have remembered!
      So, I told him that I was not repulsed or turned off by his fascination and that I would take him shopping for lingerie and indulge in his most of his fantasies! So, for a few months our relationship was "ok". He loved to go lingerie and toy shopping. And he loved that he could dress freely (if only in the bedroom). 
     As the days and weeks and months after "the reveal" went on I crumbled on the inside.  I kept thinking back over the years at the subtle and not so subtle clues. One (actually it happend twice) of the not so suble things I stumble upon was an email that my husband had printed and left on the printer. It was an email from another male via an online dating sight or forum for military members. Not only did he leave the one email out but he did it a second time. I don't remember what he said to convince me the email was not what it seemed the first time, but he did convince me that it was "nothing". The second time was only a few months later and I remember sitting down with him and specifically asking him if he were gay. I remember being very "understanding" if he was, and that I would not let it get out for fear that it would end his military career. (the email incidents/clues were 10 years ago). He looked me in the eyes and said that he "was just trying to catch other military members that were gay".   I bought it!   Although there was always this "thing" in the back of my head.... Something I couldnt shake. There had been small comments when we first started dating. We had been swapping stories one night and he told me about how him and a buddy of his had been out drinking one night and "hooked up" with a few girls. Once they "rounded 2nd base and got close to third" it became apparent that they weren't girls, "below the belt" that it.  He then proceeded to tell me that him and his buddy "turned around and slugged them".....(?) I asked him about that one when all was revealed and his story remains the same. 
    Another "story" (he claims he told me this to see what my reaction was). A different military buddy and him went out drinking one night. They got really wasted and raped another guy(!!!). Well my reaction was pure horror! He immediately said "Just kidding! I just wanted to see what your reaction was".... So I breathed a sigh of relief! (SIDENOTE: this same buddy of his was sent to prison about 4 years later for sodomy and rape of another male service memember).
     Please don't conclude that I think my husband is capable of rape and violence! I don't whatsoever, but if he were exposed to it through this guys.....who knows?  The reason I never gave second thoughts and I got the clue is because he comes from a VERY "white bread" family. His parents are still married after 45 years, he (said) he wasn't abused.... And he is so very introverted!  He does not have any friends that he hangs out with (that in know of) and he was somewhat homophobic the first 5 or so years we were together. 
       So, I was not devistated by his label of "Crossdresser". I am devistated because I married a man and the next day he was not that same man.... It feels kind of like I am in mourning for the husband I had. The man I married is no longer here.... He just disappeared. 
     Over the past year (not that I remember much) my mental and physical health have taken a nose dive. I used to run a successfull marketing business.... The day I found out was the last day I did any work. I would sit there and stare at the computer and watch as my  voicemail box filled up. I have drained all of my retirement and my kids college fund. I allienated friends whom I have known for 20 years. I stayed with him when i found out he was a crossdresser and then I stayed even when I found out he had posted on transvestite dating sights. (yes, I did have myself tested for EVERY KNOWN std and I am clean). I still loved him when I found out. I said to him myself "everyone has their secret fantasy".  
   He said he wasn't "unfaithful" during our marriage and he literally threatened death if i were to be unfaithful to him ever. We had a wonderful and happy marriage. It was great until.... About 5 years ago the military sent my husband to a station about 6 hours away from our home. We decided that he could commute back and forth every weekend. It worked out great for two years! And then I got a wild hair up my butt and decided that we could move to him and be a non commuting family once again. So we packed up our two kids and made the move.... I dont know exactly why but I think that is when things took a turn. But not for the worse..... I love where we live and so do the kids. It's just so strange! 
    And I am in such a Deep depression that I don't know what to do.  If it weret for our two children I would have left as soon as I turned off his computer that night. I stayed thinking it was the best thing for them.... Two HAPPILY MARRIED PARENTS !  But My facade is starting to crumble. Now I am only staying because I have no where else to go.... I have to no way to support our children. So now I am dependent upon him..... Now that I don't have any income (which was more than his before all of this). 
     Literally, and I am not usually one to whine, my life has been ruined by this. And he treats me like a piece of crap now. I do t think he realizes what an impact this has had on me. I get no apologies or anything. And still to this day no one who knows him, not his family or coworkers know.... I knew that if I were to seek psychiatric help it Would all come out. I have protected his secret from his family finding out. I used to speak to my mother in law  at least once a week. Now she is lucky if she gets an email once a month! 
        The business I had I inherited from my mother who worked hard for 12 years to pass it on to me She would have been so proud of me because I had built it up so big and then....
     Now I must do what is best for my children! The only thing I can do is stay and build my facade back up..., pick up the pieces and maybe one day I will be able to get out of bed AND make it.  
    Still only one wish.....If I could go back to that night a year ago I would have shut my eyes and gone to sleep and the woken up with the man I married!
LostinENC LostinENC
31-35, F
4 Responses May 21, 2012

My bride to be found out I was a cd just as we were to get married. She decided not to marry me and just be my friend than a lover, but a few months later she called me and ask me to be the caretaker for her home while she travel with her job. I retired from my position and took a pension and became her personal house maid, handy girl and errand runner.
As she was not home much I continued to dress as a girl and take care of her home. When she did come home, I would entertain and serve drinks for some of her friends. She liked how I took care of her house, she like me waiting on her hand and foot. She didnt have to do anything round the house except sit in her favorite chair, put her feet up and relax. She just loved everything I was doing for her.
She started buying me nice pretty dresses and other clothes for me to wear hear at her home. I now have over 100 dress, skirts, blouses and heels to wear when ever I want to.
I wear dresses at home and when I run errands for her or grocery shop I wear girls skinny jeans,leggings or capri's with sandals and cotton tunic's. Its a blast to go into a store and everyone in the store knows I wear womens clothes all the time.
We have been together over 10 yrs now and she says I'm the best house maid she has ever had. She calls me the woman of the house.

I am sorry your experience has been so negative. I share some similar traits with your husband. My spouse has known about me for years as well. I am sure that she could relate to your feelings. Our marriage has never really been the same, and i believe that she blames me much as you hold your husband responsible. <br />
<br />
To give you a feeling of the other side, I feel as though I have been used. She says that I changed. Well, yes, I am better educated than I was when we married, am more stable in my career, earn a lot more money, have become quite handy in the kitchen, and i have become more open-minded and take much better care of myself. <br />
<br />
I could complain that she has changed as well, but not for the better. She has refused to hold onto a career or start another one. She has managed to be either unemployed or marginally employed. I feel that we have struggled needlessly due to the fact that she wishes to be a martyr for the cause of family. Most women I know have the ability to have a career while having kids at home. She seems to think she is the only woman in North America to have two kids. She'd also like for the world to think that she is raising them by herself, which I assure you, is far from happening. <br />
<br />
You've stayed with him for security. I've stayed for the same reason, only not to receive it, but to give it. I do not believe she could have raised and supported the kids without me, and even if she had, I shudder to think how they would have turned out. <br />
<br />
I, too, have joined dating sites, etc. Not that I wish to date others, but it gives me a way to make connections, and I have made some over the years. I also claim to have never cheated on my spouse. And I maintain that claim. What joining fetlife and other social media sites has allowed me to do is to make connections to friends who know me as "Lesley". Some even know me as both my male alter ego as well as Lesley. I am sure that 5 years ago, I'd have never been able to explain why I was doing those things. The human animal is designed for contact with other humans. I understand now that my feminine alter ego sought acceptance and validation. Now that I've achieve some positive results in my quest, I can look back on what I was doing that both did work as well as didn't.<br />
<br />
I cannot communicate with my spouse about any of these issues because she would like to make believe that none of it exists. Besides, I am only here to fix things and make enough money to pay the bills, anyway. My "mission" of creating children has already been fulfilled. If it hadn't been for that, I don't think she'd have even needed me then. All I can say is that she saw me coming. I just think it's amusing now that I'm the only one in our relationship who even looks good in a skirt anymore, which I'm sure fuels her resentment even further. <br />
<br />
I apologize if this rambling monologue resembles a rant against women. My experience in that department has not been good. But rather than resenting my circumstances, I can laugh about them. It's like breaking your arm while doing something stupid. It's annoying, but you know you're going to get past it and eventually get rid of the stupid cast that's holding you back. You vow to never make that same idiotic mistake again. <br />
<br />
And if I ever get out of this one, I will live by myself (with perhaps one or two dogs and have far more intelligent conversations in the evenings) for the rest of my unnatural life.

Please go and read my stories. My hubby came out to me and initially I was a bit freaked, but I realized that he really only loves me. He isn't gay, but is turned on by trannies so I try my best to be that for him by strapping on a penis. We have the best sex life and are happier and more in love than ever. Message me if you'd like to talk more.

If you would like to talk, I may be able to provide some form of en-site. I told my female friend about it the first month or so we were friends. After 4 years we married and we have been married over 10 years now. Hiding a lie can be devastating to the whole family. There is lose on your part and his part. The truth is always the best answer.