Does He Deserve A Second Chance????

my husband and I have been together for 5 yrs. I have written another story about him being addicted to meth. He was clean for 10 months and 2 days when he backslid. He had gone to his dad's and bought some and snorted it up his nose on his way home to me,i found out a week later because i caught him with a person he had done it with and was forbidden to see in his car. I called him and said your busted I just drove past you with that ***** in your car,he denied it then hung up on me,needless to say a fight ensued and i threatened to leave. He said he didn't care,i told him i gave you a second chance and you lied to me and still did i hate you!!!! He kept telling me he loved me and he was sorry and he had beat himself up for doing it,I cried i couldn't believe he would throw me and his beautiful daughter away.... He says he isn't going to do it again and has willingly given up his paychecks the last three weeks,and relinquished receipts when i have given him money to prove his purchases.He says he thought he was strong enough to resist the urge if it was around him,and now knows he is not. He admitted I was right,and that he has to cut ties with all people involved,that they really arn't his friends they are only his friends till the party ends. I am just devastated I love him,but i convinced myself i hated him so it would be easier to go...He however will not leave and i don't want to tell my family and listen to them tell me how stupid I am,it was one screw up in almost a year,and he is trying to prove himself,So i pose this question to you guys who are in the same boat do i continue to give him a second second chance??? I fell in my heart that if i go ahead and give him a second second chance and he messes up then Iknow in my heart that i did everything i could and he didn't want the help,I know I can't change him,but i want to believe he really wants to do this for our family....I have told him he is slowly killing himself,and if thats what he wants then to do us all a favor and just shoot himself,and get it over with. I don't need anyone telling me how stupid I am I JUST WANT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN MY SHOES TO TELL ME WHAT THEY THINK.IF ITS A BUNCH OF NEGATIVITY KEEP IT TO YOUR SELF I AM GOING THROUGH ENOUGH HELL RIGHT NOW,I DON'T NEED TO BE RAN INTO THE GROUND BECAUSE YOU WANT TO JUDGE ME.....
tdh1 tdh1
31-35, F
3 Responses Jul 19, 2010

I was a widow before I met my husband and had been single for 13 years before we met. I knew that he smoked meth. I didnt know how bad his addiction was or how addictive meth is. I had smoked crack in my past for about 5 years and stopped because I wanted so much more for my life. We are both currently unemployed but I still bring in more money with help from God and my family. I smoke weed and when I knew my unemployment was about to expire I told my husband I would not use money for weed when we had to pay rent and utilities. My problem has been how my husband behaves when he does not have drugs. he is extremely mean and nasty towards me. Calls me names and stays in bed for days. When he scores he's up and running. All his "friends" are meth addicts even some of his family members. I often think about how I wouldn't have to deal with all his chaos and drama if I had stayed single. I think about divorce all the time because he seems to want to continue being an addict. He has stolen from me. Wrecked the only car we have. He has no income and no future possibilities. We both never had children and I think about leaving him all the time even though I love him for the good that he does and the good he has in him but I am sick and tired of anything and everyone associated with his addiction. I pray daily about what I should do. He does not treat me with the respect I feel I deserve for being able to have a roof over our heads, utilities paid, and food. He had the nerve to be a snob about my suggestion for him applying for disability so he could get a disability check. That was long before he lost our only means of transportation. I feel like I can do bad by myself.

Here's the problem....is this the kind of life you want for your children and yourself. Do you want your children to grow up with the kind of unhealthy family environment that comes along when one parent is a drug addict. I know what I am talking about I am currently divorcing my meth addict husband. It was an emotional roller coaster, my kids were always tense, and the fighting between my husband and I was constant b/c he was continually manipulating me and lying to me. Its a sick sick world to continue to live in and and keep giving second, second chances. <br />
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Even if my husband were to ever stay clean for a year like the above story....is it worth it to put myself and my kids through that drama and pain again...is it worth it if he slips up 2 years or 10 years down the road...b/c if they pick it up once they will pick it up again and again....this is a dangerous battle that most never win. I can't live in fear of him using again...I can't constantly be questioning someone in my life...its to short. My kids need a good healthy stable environment and if that means one with just one parent giving most of the care then so be it. <br />
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Currently, my husband only gets supervised visitations with his mom b/c he's been actively using and I don't trust him alone with our kids b/c he is mentally not stable. He has apologized in the past and cried and I took him back, but this time he is cold, bitter, and nasty and blames me for our marriage falling apart...not the fact that he's been an active meth user for the last 4 years despite rehab and other things he's gone through to get clean. He does nothing but lie, manipulate, and cheat on me...he leads a secret double life and I cannot imagine it is much different for you ladies either. <br />
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My best advise is to get enough strength and courage and set yourself free of the prison of his meth addiction. Its not healthy for you or your children. This was not easy for me either...I have 4 kids with my husband we've been married for 13 years, but enough is enough, I had to walk away and let the courts give me full custody b/c he had me scarred to leave b/c he told me he'd never give me full custody but givin his addiction he doesn't get a choice in that matter. <br />
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It's okay to be alone, you can do it, imagine a life of no worry or fear of him or what he is going to do next. You want a man who isn't addicted to meth well I am more than 99% sure that the man you are with is never going to change with all the second chances in the world....they have to be all out of chances and hit rock bottom before they change....they won't do it for you or the kids...they have to do it for themselves.

I'm in a similar situation, only mine has been addicted to meth for the past 7 1/2 years of our 8 year marriage...I think I'm on my second second second.......and so on and so on. I said the same things your saying and continue to say them tonight. I went down and filed for a divorce a week ago but never served him and fear what will happen to our son and daughter if I do. It really just depends on how long you can put up with it. If he does everything to show he's going to get help, ie. NA, Church, something to deal with the problems then you stay as long as you can and is safe for your family to support your husband. But if he doesn't get help and/or it's not safe for you then you have to leave him for your sanity and your baby. I separated from my husband 3 years ago and it was the best decision I've ever made, he got clean, went to NA and Church regularly and really put forth an effort. We got back together and he stayed clean for a little more than a year, then relapsed and has been relapsing since every so often. It's a roller coaster, I think I'm done, but I'm scared so I know where your at.