When Do You Give Up

I met my husband when I was fourteen years old and we were friends for a couple years before we started dating.  He used to drink and party a little but I was young and everyone I knew partied a little so I didn't think it was a problem.  Well, we got married when I was 19 and I was pregnant with our first son by 20.  6 months into my pregnancy I found out that my husband was using meth, I was devastated!  I thought he would stop for sure when our son was born, but he didn't.  I used to react very negatively when I caught him getting high (I would get violent) so he always had something to hold over my head too.  I finally started to grow up a little bit and stopped reacting so irrationally but nothing changed.  He's always found a way to blame me anyway.  During one of his sober spells we decided to try and be a normal family and started going to church and even decided to try for another child.  The day before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I found out he was using again.  I have also suffered 3 miscarriages throughout our 8 year marriage and he has not been there for me through any of the pregnancies.  I've stayed thinking that someday he would be the man I married again someday, but I think I just realized the past couple of weeks that he's always been this man, I was just to blind to see it before.  I tried leaving him a few years ago and he got clean, got really active in NA, and became an active member in his church; sooo I took him back.  It wasn't much more than a year clean before he began relapsing again.  I just don't know when to say enough is enough, I filed for a divorce last week and then panicked and didn't serve him.  My main concern is my kids, I feel like either way they get the short end of the stick.  And if I stay with him at least I can monitor how he cares for our children, what if I divorce him and he continues using but I don't know and my kids go with him for the weekend or something.  It may sound crazy but I really think that's why I've stayed so long.  My son turns 7 on Saturday and my daughter is almost 4, they don't know what he's doing, he's a very functioning addict, but I know this will affect them.  Any advice, or support would be appreciated.
piersonj1 piersonj1
26-30, F
Aug 4, 2010