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How Do I Get The Strength To Leave Him? Or Should I Leave Him Or Not?

Hi All, been reading everybody's stories in this group and here's mine....I am a 37 yrs old woman married to a 55 yrs old man, been together for 7 yrs. When we first got to know each other he was crazy about me, madly in love with me, sex was excellent, blah...blah...blah, he proposed and got married quite quickly. At that time, I had just ended a 10 yr relationship so I was emotionally weak and jumped onto his bandwagon which I suppose was a mistake. Now I am starting to regret my marriage but I feel terrible whenever I think of leaving him !

The realisation dawned on me when our sex life started falling apart. My husband is just not interested in making love anymore, no urges, even though he loves me very much, he is not having an affair as we are together all the time. About 4 yrs back, he started having sexual problems, erectile dysfunction, initially he was very uncomfortable to talk about it, but after much coaxing and trying from me we started talking about it and he finally went to see a doctor. Got prescribed some blue pills which come to use whenever I need some passion. We have sex once every 2-3 months but it is not a satisfying love making rather "a quick before it goes down" one. I don't want him to take too much of those pills as I am worried of a possible heart attack but I haven't been satisfied for over 4 yrs now and its driving me nuts! I have talked to him about going for a therapy but he just will not go for counselling.

Besides the sex problem, we have a wonderful life, financially comfortable, a nice house, generally he's a loving and a kind man, which makes it all so difficult to just end it. We have talked about it a few times, and he has agreed to let me go so that I can have a more sexually fulfilling life, but I just cannot bear the thought of leaving him, at the same time I am desperate for sex.

I am also desperate to have a baby, as I did not conceive naturally I went in for IVF but it was unsuccessful because of his weak sperms. The amount of sex we have I will never conceive naturally if I want a baby with him I will have to keep trying by artificial means but for the time being I dont want to try as I am not sure which way I am headed with my marriage but my body clock is ticking and I'm panicking! I also keep thinking about the fact that if I have a baby with him now, he will be 65 by the time my child is only 10 yrs old, by the time he/she is 15 and I'm probably dealing with teenage problems I will also have to look after an old man, the thought of which is all scaring me. After reading so many of your stories I really think I should get out of this marriage before it's too late but just don't seem to have the courage to do it. 10 yrs down the line I don't want to look back and regret my unfulfilled and unsatisfied life!

Initially the age gap didn't use to bother me but now with my unfulfilled desire to be a mother and unsatisfied love life, it is the main cause of my worries. Most days I question myself if I really love him and I never seem to get the answer, so I make my mind up, "I am leaving him", everytime I make my mind up I start to feel all love oozing from everywhere and then at night I lie next to him in bed and cry and cry. I go completely weak and cannot leave him. Then I get totally confused, should I leave him or not or what to do ??? I have sleepless nights over this problem and my general health is affected. I feel depressed most days, I feel so helpless! Look forward to your comments.
depressedrd depressedrd 36-40, F 16 Responses Jan 25, 2011

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Hi there

You and I are same age as well as our husbands,

I have 2 daughters from previous marriage , married previous for 12 years , my husband 18 yrs. prior .

Our relationship is very similar to yours ,except he want sex but he can never finish for him self due to medication . He is very attentive to my needs but I feel like a total waste of time if he can't complete the job.

I have turned into a work aholic and am never home, lately I've been wondering if I should have remarried ?

Again have a wonderful life, home money he loves me endlessly but it's very difficult.

I would never want to hurt him I do love him,but ......

But it's very unsatisfing a

Also always resting when we are not working. Like right now Saturday night and he is sleeping.

And I will sit and work all night until he wakes up I'll make dinner and he will go to bed!

He is a great man , I just feel so guilty for how I feel!

I suspect his drugs are the culprit in his sleepiness as well as his sexual dysfunction. I suggest you investigate alternative medicine. There are natural products without the bad side effects for most things treated by drugs.

Wow... you could be describing me to a tee... apart from the financially secure bit and a nice house.

We met via the internet. Both jumped in after failed marriages. Sex great, holidays, fun blah blah.... had the hell of the ex wife, stood by him thro alcoholism... recovering now... but it is so dull, boring and I have nothing for my future. He is sitting in a chair mostof the day, in pain but asleep, with his mouth open. Next to the window... like an old man in an old peoples home.

I would leave tomorrow if I didn't have a dog I adore... two cat that have been with me through thick and thin... very old indeed... and a roof over my head. I am disabled to a degree that I can't work, I am depressed and undergoing surgery for hip replacements. I hate being here but I 'need' to be here. He can't do anything for me but does what he can. He never lets me forget either.

I completely understand where you are coming from. My OH is 11 yrs older... but he looks like he is 50 yrs older...

Such shameful thoughts I have. I cry, I am such a cow to him at times... perhaps getting him to not love me. He does even more... I hate it.

Sorry... It brings it all to the surface.. I hope you find the strength.. I know you don't want to hurt him... Its so difficult.

God bless.

This is why I do not advocate far older men for women. I think younger man/ older women works far better. It is a shame because as men get older they get so much nicer, but if you are a female in her 30's with a high sex drive ( which most do) and you want children... go get the young hunk! I advocate males at least 5 years younger to at most 5 years older. when I was dating this is the age equation I always had in mind and it works.

How is it all going now, depressedrd?

Maybe your husband will agree for you to have a lover, to get your sexual satisfactions. Since he cannot provide you with this, and you desperately need it, then ask him for another lover. You won't have to leave him. Just someone to have sex with. I asked my wife for this a few years ago, but she didn't like that idea. She then asked me if I wanted a divorce. I said yes, but we talked about it and decided that we would lose too much stuff, and I am too old to start over again, so we exist together. I want to make love all the time, but she has no desire for it. Very frustrating !! Good luck in whatever you decide.

Hello depressedrd, I am in a same predicament. I am now 40 and my husband is 66. I have posted my story, you can read it. Same as you, my husband is very very good. But age is not on his side. I was also very desperate to have a baby, when I was 36, and then I had one. My husband already had 2 sons, and didnot have any desire for more responsibilities. Rather he was scared about having children, simply because he had a rough deal in his previous marriage and had to up-bring his sons alone. He was aware of the problems. But on my desire, we had a baby. My daughter is really adorable. But, now with time he has no energy to look after my daughter, who is very energetic and demanding. I have to take all of her responsibilities, which is not enjoyable all the time. My daughter also shows a desire to have a younger father as other children of her age has. I am worried about her and about myself. My sex experience is almost as you have described. Over in a minute-- after 2-3 months, which is even more frustrating. But as you mentioned, my husband is otherwise a very nice man. But what should I do of this age difference? I cant leave him, and present situation is extremely depressing.

It is very lovely to have kids, but with kids, u get completely bolted down. Life changes alot. They become centre of all the activities and demands so much sacrifices from you. It really need two energetic and young people to handle them -- specially when if the child is the only child.

I hope it helps you understand both sides of the issue.

66 is too young for a man to be all worn out. Plenty of men that age feel great, and I believe with the right medical care your husband could too. Please see my previous comments on this thread.

How is it going now?

@conceptualclarity, thanks for the story. He's been to the doctor, been prescribed millions of blood tests, so he has to go back after the test reports !

I tried to contact you by private message and the EP filter blocked it. Here is what I said : Sorry that I am so late in getting you the story I mentioned. It's at EP Link'

I've thought about writing something like this on EP for a while, but it was your specific case that spurred me on to do it. I hope you get a chance to read it before your husband's appointment.

Couldn't get the appointment for this week, got it for next wednesday.

I wrote a useful comment for you and EP had logged me off without informing me and killed it when I entered it. Bothered me so much that I wrote a story about it at the group where Arsineh goes to field people's complaints. So when is the doctor appointment?

Thanks conceptualclarity ! the side effects I'm concerned about are just based on things I've read on the internet, I've not discussed it with a medical person or anything like that. If they have no side effects that's great! I can have a wonderful life again! Will keep you posted after he's been to the doctor.

I wonder if your worries about the side effects relate to the bad reputation earned by illegal anabolic steroids. DHEA or herbal supplements, or testosterone creams, are a whole different matter. I've been taking 50mg of DHEA for some time with my doctor's approval. My blood test was terrific as usual. No indication of negative side effects, and since taking DHEA (after rising) my sleep and my memory are better. There is a lot of reason to worry about the health effects of testosterone deficiency, especially cardiovascular health. If you find a doctor who doesn't understand that T is very important to male health, you have a doctor who is behind the times, as some doctors unfortunately are.



Keep us up!

Thanks all for your comments. I have read up quite a lot on ED and testosterone treatments, I do have worries about the side effects! I've had a talk with him and he has promised to see a doctor next week. Let's see!

The distance between where you are now and where you want to be is not necessarily longer than it would be if you start all over. And you say you still love him so leaving will be hell for both of you. What you need is for him to get really serious about his health. I think testosterone deficiency is very likely the cause of his disappearing on you as a lover. T deficiency is also detrimental to his overall health. I'm in my 50s and have plenty of libido and also look fairly young. Age does not automatically take libido away. The problem is not that his body is worn down and can never function again but that he has treatable infirmities. T deficiency can be addressed by safe, well-known libido-boosting herbs and/or the over-the-counter precursor hormone DHEA. I recommend you familiarize yourself with the website lef.org. LEF is a really top-flight outfit. I have dealt with them much and I attest they are not simply out to make money; they have health as their mission. You can read up on their website by clicking on Health concerns and then scrolling down to Male Reproductive Health; also do a search on male libido as well as ED and testosterone. Get a membership and you can talk to their trained people on 1-800 any day; usually they're MDs.



He needs to become interested in and informed about health. I suggest two supplements he certainly needs to be taking : fish oil and a high-quality men's multi-vitamin. For the former I suggest LEF's Super Omega 3. For the latter I suggest NSI's Synergy Men's at http://www.vitacost.com/NSI-Synergy-Mens-Multi-Vitamin. Fish oil powerfully addresses cardiovascular health, which is key for ED, as well as almost any other health concern you can think of. It would be great to find a local doctor who practices alternative medicine/integrative medicine or naturopathy. He needs to get full hormone testing. Did he get that previously?

Also possibly a helpful book by Barbara Keesling, whom I think is the best of today's sex writers at http://www.amazon.com/All-Night-Long-Make-Love/dp/1590770277/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1296802554&sr=1-5. If he really does commit himself to health, not only can you have your sex life back but he can be around and vigorous as long as you're raising children.



You need to tell him that you simply have his commitment to go all out for the restoration of your sex life, that you love him and want to find your happiness with him and that you're suffering greatly with the status quo.

My life is a disaster,but what keeps me running is my son.Problems you have in your marriage can be surpassed but without a child your life will be miserable.Screwing around is the worst option.Bear in mind that you're not getting any younger.