I Am Married to a Much Older Man

Alas, Me Too

By: AyeAye

Written on February 12th, 2008

Hi, folks, I'm that complainer-AyeAye.....infamous for "I live in a sexless marriage" and "I live with a chronicly-ill spouse".

My spouse is 66, (going on 100) and I am 47. I must be getting younger because every day our differences in values and tastes get wider and wider. The crankier he becomes, the more sure I am that I don't want to end up like him. As a result, I've taken to dressing younger than my age (he calls this "childish" or "slutty"; I watch more youth-oriented TV (even if it is crap- it actually shows people engaged in modern behaviors; and I zoom around with lots of energy.

Even before he became so ill, the world was moving by too fast for him to comprehend. He could'nt understand people talking "jibberish and fractured english". He refuses to have lots of "new-fangeled" stuff in our home. Like cell phones, answering machines, dishwashers or a modern TV. All of his friends have passed away and he refuses to make new ones....because modern people are untrustworthy. I also "have no integrity" because my word is not my bond. (if I say "I'll be with you in 5 minutes", and it's more 10.)

One of the worst areas is TV or movies. I hate that Turner Classic Movies channel! Where I get an unending diatribe on the "good old days" when people had "values and ethics". Sunday nites are the worst--when I have to watch alll the silent movies with him and read the captions aloud because he can't even read them fast enough! My God, there'll be like one sentence of dialogue up on the screen for, like 2 minutes, and I have to read it!

By: AyeAye

Age: 46-50 , Female

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16 responses

amithecrazyone

I have a similar problem; mine is 20 years my senior. I haven't had sex in 7+ years and counting as I cry. I never go out to diner, take care of all bills, taxes alone, rent out my beautiful house and live in **** houses to pay for my daughter's college. Miss home am isolated and Feel terribly GUILTY. You see, he is nice but, he truly doesn't understand what all this has done to me. I am a resentful ***** because of this. HELP!! I have been asking him to try to understand to give me a path so that I do not grow old and alone. That way we might be friends again. Right. I just need him to try to understand that we are at different stages of life.

Jun 13, 2012
1 like
traceycelest

similar situation: here is my story:

I thought that we would be the few that made it. He was 25 years older. Been together on and off for 22 years. The age range did not make much difference until the past few years.

Him 70 and me 44. I learned so many lessons to list. We remain friends but separated now. Never thought back when I was 22 and he was 48 that there would be issues.

Married him for love. Our age difference and the stages we are in life now are so different now.

He has become mean and bitter about his aging and angry of my youth. Never saw it coming. He once was so confident and nice. I trusted everything he once said only to find out the past few years much of it was never true.

Its easy to control someone younger until they get older like me now in my 40's not a little girl anymore who once had father issues.

Once you get past the father issues stages in life you want a partner not a father figure husband.

Long story but I would say anyone over 15 years age difference should not get married.

Apr 6, 2012
1 like
traceycelest

similar situation: here is my story:

I thought that we would be the few that made it. He was 25 years older. Been together on and off for 22 years. The age range did not make much difference until the past few years.

Him 70 and me 44. I learned so many lessons to list. We remain friends but separated now. Never thought back when I was 22 and he was 48 that there would be issues.

Married him for love. Our age difference and the stages we are in life now are so different now.

He has become mean and bitter about his aging and angry of my youth. Never saw it coming. He once was so confident and nice. I trusted everything he once said only to find out the past few years much of it was never true.

Its easy to control someone younger until they get older like me now in my 40's not a little girl anymore who once had father issues.

Once you get past the father issues stages in life you want a partner not a father figure husband.

Long story but I would say anyone over 15 years age difference should not get married.

Apr 6, 2012
1 like
adgedgolfer

That's why, when I become single again, I will never get serious with a younger woman. Can't trust them. It's hard to trust anyone anymore. I would rather date someone that will appreciate me, like maybe older women.

Oct 26, 2011
1 like
BreezyCabin

I am glad I never went there. I dated a much older man for a while but thankfully he was pretty open about what he wanted (which meant that it didn't go too far before we discovered it just wouldn't work). Which was that he would "give my hobbies a try" but he fully expected me to take his hobbies up for good, probably because he felt they were tried and tested whereas mine were just youthful naivety that I would eventually get bored of! He would take a glance at what I was into and then never bother with it again. What was truly painful was him treating sms and emails like the good old days, which meant he could never just reply, "NP I will get carrots and milk 2day" but it had to be set out grammatically correct and like it was a formal letter to the Queen!

Apr 24, 2011
1 like
sizbrownie

I agree with married16 years. It is important that we find something for ourselves. I too see that as my husband and I grow older (he is 16 yrs my senior) that our interests are changing. He tries to be aware of where I am but naturally he is in another place than I am. I am beginning to find things just for me. I believe this will help me to become more connected with who I am becoming.

Jul 6, 2010
1 like
sizbrownie

I agree with married16 years. It is important that we find something for ourselves. I too see that as my husband and I grow older (he is 16 yrs my senior) that our interests are changing. He tries to be aware of where I am but naturally he is in another place than I am. I am beginning to find things just for me. I believe this will help me to become more connected with who I am becoming.

Jul 6, 2010
2 likes
AyeAye

18 years. In other words, all the good middle years of my life.....

Jul 22, 2009
1 like
- ubasti
  I resemble that reply AyeAye!
  
  Jun 12, 2012
  1 like
beautybelle34

May I ask how long you have been together? I am curious because I am 25 and seeing a 45 year old man.

Jul 21, 2009
1 like
- traceycelest
  I thought that we would be the few that made it. He was 25 years older. Been together on and off for 22 years. The age range did not make much difference until the past few years.
  Him 70 and me 44. I learned so many lessons to list. We remain friends but separated now. Never thought back when I was 22 and he was 48 that there would be issues.
  Married him for love. Our age difference and the stages we are in life now are so different now.
  
  He has become mean and bitter about his aging and angry of my youth. Never saw it coming. He once was so confident and nice. I trusted everything he once said only to find out the past few years much of it was never true.
  
  Its easy to control someone younger until they get older like me now in my 40's not a little girl anymore who once had father issues.
  
  Once you get past the father issues stages in life you want a partner not a father figure husband.
  Long story but I would say anyone over 15 years age difference should not get married.
  
  Apr 6, 2012
  1 like
AyeAye

OH, LOL-ya really got me grinn', there, Sensitivity!

This guy has been lying confused and dirty on the couch for several months: He does not walk under his own power. He does not eat (except for rice pudding). He has not seen another live human being for six months.

He says he's very sorry (his code phrase for: "not gonna, and no one can make me") but life is not worth living. I totally agree. HIS Life is not worth living. I've had him committed twice, and, beleive me, it's not worth the recriminations involved!

"Test Driving" evokes a real funny time in our lives. Back before he was sick, he decided if I didn't want sex with him; He would pick my lovers! Oh, what a crop of winners I got. I'm really glad the sex issue is a done doggie in our lives and no more "entertaining" loosers just to please him.

May 22, 2009
1 like
PrincessMore

I am going to read your stuff over and over and over again to remind myself that this is me in only five more years. I'm 42 and he's 62.

Mine's chronically ill but not actuely. If I get out now, maybe I can leave before it's chronic and acute and I can't go anywhere.

Nov 18, 2008
1 like
- traceycelest
  to princess: my story
  I thought that we would be the few that made it. He was 25 years older. Been together on and off for 22 years. The age range did not make much difference until the past few years.
  Him 70 and me 44. I learned so many lessons to list. We remain friends but separated now. Never thought back when I was 22 and he was 48 that there would be issues.
  Married him for love. Our age difference and the stages we are in life now are so different now.
  
  He has become mean and bitter about his aging and angry of my youth. Never saw it coming. He once was so confident and nice. I trusted everything he once said only to find out the past few years much of it was never true.
  
  Its easy to control someone younger until they get older like me now in my 40's not a little girl anymore who once had father issues.
  
  Once you get past the father issues stages in life you want a partner not a father figure husband.
  Long story but I would say anyone over 15 years age difference should not get married.
  
  Apr 6, 2012
  1 like
SerenitySeeker

I think I am getting a clearer picture here of why the need for Sunday night bubble bath cryfests and hangovers...I know there is nothing I can say to make it all better, so I won't even try...peace, my friend...SS

Jul 21, 2008
2 likes
married16yrs

Wow. I am in a similar situation the only advice I can give is for you to begin creating a life that is your own. Take a small piece of your time, mind and heart and make it your own. Find out what your lacking or missing and fill it.

Jul 6, 2008
4 likes

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