Things Are Changing

My husband is 24 years older than I am. He is 76 and I am 52. He was always young for his age and it didn't seem like a problem. Now it's becoming a problem. Health issues, slowing down, not taking care of himself. I take very good care of myself and am tired of his health problems. Also he talked me into building this huge house that he isn't going to be able to finish and is going to leave me stuck with. Also his family treats me like crap, leaving me out of the good stuff, being condescending or downright rude. I'm trying to make the best of it...don't have much of a family myself...guess I gave all that up for this relationship. Not sure where to go from here. I know of a couple men who married much older committed suicide the other went absolutely crazy on drugs and left. Not choices for me.

brwshanti brwshanti
4 Responses Aug 2, 2009

OMG, Sarcy!<br />
Sorry to hear about your neck...hope it dosen't turn out too bad. Even so, I bet it's the kind of injury that will want to communicate with you on certain days for the rest of your life.<br />
Sounds like we have both bitten off more than we can chew.<br />
I know you can't count on anything staying the same as we age. Age MEANS change. But it's a pity that so many people are unable to roll with the changes, age gracefully and not have alterations in their very character.<br />
My husband crys sometimes because he says he feels so bad for me that I can't count on him for anything. I say: I can always count on you for ONE thing--whining and crying!<br />
They say elderly people in poor health become very self-centered. I say: there's got to be an end somewhere! Ignoring him as much as I can is how I make an end. But mostly it's getting harder and harder. (Who am I's past the point of no return.)

I really understand what your saying, for Im in a simular situation. My husbend is 20yrs older than I am, and has severe rheumotoid arthritis, which he had before I married him. His condition through time has become worse leading to Bells Palsy, Colon Cancer, Sexual disfunction, GERD and many other illness. He has become mean, uncaring, self-centered. For instance, right now Im sitting here with a broken neck, broken bone in my back, bruised head and bruised tail bone from one of our horses running over the top of me, right infront of my husbend. He just said get up and shake it off leaving me lay in the pasture with other horses running around me. I got mad a got up drove the horse we caught 70 miles from our home, on<x>loaded the supplies, went to bed and woke to a swollen throat. Told my husbend how hurt I was, loaded the 4 horses I drove by myself back to town and went to the hospital. Where I found that my neck was broken and to see the neurosurgeon on this Thursaday. Yes, my husbed finally called me the other day, and yes, he knows of my condition. Has he come out to help me, NO. <br />
<br />
My husbend was never like this in the beginning, and Im suprised of how he is acting now. Since, he has not been able to have SEX, he has been mean, uncaring and down right self-centered. It seems he tries to go out of his way to make things hard for me or hoping like something like this would happen. Im sorry but your story sounds so much like mine and to tell you the truth, IM done with trying. Life is short, and you cannot change someone that thinks they are right. That is were we as an individual have to make a choice on how long we will tolerate or put up with. I married my husbend because I thought he loved me unconditionally, would protect me, be their for me when I need him most. I apparently was wronge, and staying will only make me unpleasant as he is. Maybe that is what he wants, just like your husbend. Just think why would they want us to be happy when they are not. I know that the last few years I given my best to him, been their for him, taken care of him in his time of need. I also know that when I leave there will be someone for him, maybe someone that can give him much more than I can give, so I look at it as a positive for both of us. Time never stands still for anyone, and I know from experience not to think that only I can give or do for someone, because there is always someone else that can take my place. I hope you understand my blubbering.<br />
<br />
Take Care and Good Luck

I've found that things have changed with my husband's health. Not just because of the health problems (though, God knows, they're bad enough), but also because of his egotism. By this, I mean that he also has started massive home renovations that have essentially left our home gutted for over ten years. I have been trying to put things back together (I have contracting experience), but am constantly subjected to his roadblocks. His self-pity has reached a level where he cannot stand to have anyone else fix anything. Hammering a nail in a wall is cause for 45 minutes of the "I used to be able to that" pity-party. It's reached a way out-of-control area and I've just taken to ignoring him. It's not that I don't have's just that I have to take control of my life. I can no longer waste 20 hours a day telling him how sorry I am for him.<br />
I'm sorry but my attitude now is: I'm sorry your life is over, but mine's not and I have to get on with my life. I'm sorry you have no one else in your life but me; but I don't want to have no one in my life but you. I just need more.<br />
Ironicaly, the worse he's gotten, the more I've come to see that I don't want to be the way he is. And I have to do something about it now, before it's too late.<br />
<br />
My Best Wishes To You

The only question I have for you is, when you agreed to marry him, was it for love or a safe and secure inviroment. If you truly loved him from the start. You wouldn't be asking these questions. Remember one day of true love,last enternity. Make everyday special, we never know when our time is up. You could go before him, and carma has a way of making thing's right, after being wronged.

Whitetiger: Your comment is judgmental and ignorant to boot. You seem to like parables, and alike... how about this one "Don't judge someone until you have walked in their shoes"