Young and Confused, Or Mature and In Denial?
I have a tendency to keep a journal but usually only write in it when I'm upset, so here's my journal entry from last night. My husband is ~23 years older than me and a type II diabetic. I am 26 and he is 48. He owns a business and I see him in the morning before he leaves and at night, where we usually always eat past 8 PM once he gets home. I cook, I shop, I have two part time jobs and two dogs and two cats. I am smart, two Master's degrees and a Pilates equipment instructor. People call me a genius, I'm not so sure.
So the husband came home last night talking on the phone. It wasn't strange, he's usually on the phone, so after he comes in I keep working and he keeps talking. He forgot to get vegetables as he told me he would this morning ("Don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything" to which I was, now I know appropriately so, skeptical). So I didn't have dinner prepared since I was waiting on the vegetables, and this means his blood sugar is going to be out of whack because he hasn't eaten. He doesn't even say anything about the vegetables; I know he doesn't have them, it's after 8, he hasn't even thought about it.
In fact, he hasn't really thought about anything at home in a long time. Am I really "his life" when there is no evidence that he actually puts any thought into it? I have planned our vacations since the very first one, pay the bills ,clean the house, maintain our family respect and have grown our family name in the community, but sometimes I feel like it's all a farce. He couch-potatoes out and the only evening activity he is capable of is watching TV. It is sad. Last night I was sitting in the corner watching him watch Judo and remembering my grandfather watching the boxing matches. I felt no endearment, but rather: if your mind is really so stressed and the weight of the world so big on your shoulders, why are you sitting here watching these stupid sweaty men go at each other, over and over and over and over?
I feel as if he takes his stress out on me. After he's off the phone I mention some water in the garage because of the heavy rains this week, and he blows up “GOD DAMN IT just another ******* thing I have to deal with” and he’s stomping up the stairs. He stops on the main level to tell me he’s not mad at me though. He's shaking his finger at me as he does so. I feel his blood sugar is messed up so it's best if I'm not in the vicinity. I let him sweep the garage himself and instead go back to cleaning and laundry in the basement.
After he's finished, I ask him how bad the water was and he says something about the entire cause of it being some foot mat I had purchased, intimating it was my fault. I say you can’t blame it on the mat because the garage flooded all the time before the mat was placed there. And once he caught my subtle response to his own subtle jab, OH GAME AFOOT!
He blows up, again saying the entire flooding problem was because of this tiny mat (????) and then out of the blue accuses me of being jealous that two women from our yacht club are hanging out together. He said my whole demeanor changed when one of them had called me this evening, and I just have to roll my eyes (I am a loner, I am a solo flyer, I do not care). Now when we get to this point now I just want him away from me, so I go to the basement and start vacuuming. However, I'm pissed that he's yet again come home fired up and yet again lighting in to me. I'm a spunky person, I call him a bastard under my breath and say "**** You." because DAMN IT this is supposed to be my happy life and he comes home all ****** up every night and it's even hard for me to keep the illusion going anymore. He stomps downstairs with the "What? What did you just say to me?!?" and I keep vacuuming and ask him only to please go away. He ends with "Boy, you're just an unpleasant person." (projection is a funny thing)
While I am vacuuming, he is showering in the shower of the bathroom with the kitty litter box I clean almost daily and the fresh shower curtain I had washed just yesterday. I pause to wonder when the last time was that he did something thoughtful solely for me.
I have a feeling he’s not thinking about me, about our home life. He’s not thinking about the dinner he told me not to worry about. Instead, somehow it’s my fault that he didn’t choose to stop by another grocery store because the one he’d intended to stop by was closed, it’s my fault because he just wanted to come home and relax and didn't have the courtesy to call me so I could start preparing dinner. I have the feeling he is trying to blame everything on me.
**** it. I cannot have children with this genetically inept man. I realize that I have not done anything this evening except hint back about the mat and the message he was sending. This is weird; I am confused. I feel as if I should get out while I’m still ahead, but how bad is it that I wonder if I can get the financial security with someone else. Maybe I am scared to build it for myself. Maybe I think I can't build security for myself.
Get your PhD, a small voice cries. Go to Deutschland, meet your next phase in life. You can do better than this.
Showering for him after work has lately been a rare thing. He usually slugs out when he’s home and doesn’t shower until he goes to bed if at all. Evidently he showered because he was leaving. "I’m leaving.” “Where are you going?” “Away from here” (he’d been home approximately half an hour??) … And he’s freshly showered. He's gone for an hour and a half and I have no idea where he went and won't ask either.
For me, his walking out and not telling me where he is going was the point, pre-determined, where ballsy Elizabeth (that's me) had decided to get up and walk out. Walking out on someone sets a dangerous precedent, and if he's capable of doing it now, he's capable of doing much worse once I have kids except then I would be stuck. Yes, yesterday evening we hit the predetermined point for Elizabeth, if she only didn’t have to pack so damned much. Damn there’s a lot of stuff here. And ballsy Elizabeth must also be smart Elizabeth. Smart Elizabeth currently has a bankroll of around $2500.
We've barely spoken since then, I feel like some cord has snapped and I feel totally apathetic (or maybe not totally, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this). I can’t say anything, I have no idea what to say. I’m not pleased. I don't know if I'm being taken or if I am in fact the huge *****. I am confused. I am scared, I feel like I am on Let's Make a Deal and I have the option to choose the grand prize or keep the prize that I have, but that I also run the risk of choosing the door with the chicken coop behind it. I just know that neither of us are getting any younger.
Thanks for listening.