Married To A Narcissist With 8 Kids!

I have been married to my Husband for the past 18 years.........we have eight children together.  Three years ago my husband lost his job, and things spiraled out of control....................I don't know if it was the added stress and depression that he was going through, or the fact that our children were now teenagers and starting to be aware of his inconsistancies, lies, dishonest acts, manipulation techniques, and pure unreality that he daily forced upon them.
I started to pray to find out what was so wrong.  There were no bruises.  But yet, what was going on in our home was  When I started having to step up and defend my children from my husband..........and protect them from their own father.............I knew.   Something was Very wrong.
Now, I have taken the first step.  I have separated from him.  It has only been one week, and he calls me constantly, sends me flowers and gifts.  I want to go back, but I know I cannot. 
I have a counselor...........and a Bishop................and I know my children and I will be OK.............I think.

CandyQ CandyQ
4 Responses Jul 15, 2010

I thought I would update my comment. It has been 3 and a half years since that last comment. I have since left my Narcissist husband, with my 8 children. I did not leave him though, until I felt like I had done everything in my power to get him to see and change. But since he would not see, I realized he would never change. The biggest stumbling block for me? His inability to take responsibility for himself.

Any problem he has ever have or will have, will always end up becoming someone else's problem. He cannot face the fact that he might be responsible.

And, yes, he did become a stalker, and I do have a protective order. He tells me that He will never allow me to get a divorce. We have been legally separated for over a year now, but he refuses to sign the papers. Not because he disputes any issues, but because he will not allow me to get divorced and move on with my life. He is trying to control my every move.......still. He puts my children in the middle and paints me as an evil person who is going to hell for my choices, using religion as a tool to manipulate me. He once told the judge, "I want custody of my sweetie". Yes, he thinks he can have custody of a grown woman!

I am healing. and I'm doing well. I am a school teacher and am trying my best to provide for and raise my children. I am so glad I left him. He still does not claim that we ever had any problems in our marriage, and I am leaving him......because I want to sin. It is not true. He continues to make up a reality that does not exist to fit what he believes should be.
If you are married to or have a relationship with a Narcissist. Do not believe you can help them change. They are not capable of it. Get out, and do your best to move on with your life. That is my advise.

Now that you know what he is and the hell of living with a narcissist the folowing website would assist with the different situations, how to cope and how to get out safely. <br />
For Narcissistic personality disorder, try:<br /><br /> <br />
All the best God be with you.

Heavens! Eight children! I honour your life task. What a tremendous balancing act of love, sharing, organization, education, and did I say love? <br />
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Like I have said in other posts, I am no expert in these matters. I was blind to everything my husband was (except as you brilliantly put it "so wrong") but I shall advise as if you were my beloved daughter to whom I would see no harm done.<br />
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As I understand the cycle of abuse, this loving, needy, want-you-back-learned-my-lesson business is to be expected. (Sometimes it can escalate to dangerous stalking behaviour - please stay safe). It doesn't last, but it is very (very) alluring! How many years have you longed to hear those words? How many times have you wished that he would "get it"? A dream come true, yes?<br />
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Add to that your (rightful) concern about sole responsibility for eight beautiful humans and of course you are tempted! You love him, and you have tremendous compassion for the pain that made him what he is. <br />
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BUT. You are not his mommy. You are not his caregiver. You are not responsible for his happiness. Let him prove his ability to take care of himself AND have enough to share with his family before you decide. You will be doing him a favour. He needs to prove himself to himself. He needs confidence in REAL accomplishments. He needs to step out of his victimhood to be a truly effective partner and father. Give him that chance.<br />
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What a tremendously courageous thing you have done for your children! What an amazing role-model you are giving them. My hat is off to you.<br />
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I have been married to a narcissistic man for the past 20 years, so I know where you are coming from. He has lied to me, had affairs, tries to control me and puts me down. He will never let me take credit for anything. Such a,s I worked full time and studied at nights for 5 years to get a Diploma in business which he takes credit for by saying - if it wasn't for me you would never have got off your fat arse. By the way - I'm not fat. Nit picks at the slightest thing - has isolated all our friends to the point I cannot take him out anymore or have friends over - he insults them - he comes to terms with this in his head by saying he doesn't care as they are not intellectually inteligent enough for him anyway. <br />
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I am fifty six and told him I want to leave him but am having trouble doing it, because like you said I have had a barage of beautiful sms messages, cards left lying around the house with i love you written in them, crying and begging me to stay. I find it hard when I see him hurting so much. What should I do.

He may be hurting so much, but YOU are NOT his mommy and it is not YOUR job to kiss it and make it all better. HE has created the mess he is in, HE has created the lack of friends, the pain he is surrounded by. HE needs to learn to fix it himself. YOU need to learn to fix YOURSELF, and that includes gaining some self-esteem. It is never easy to realize we are in a difficult situation and to make the right decision for ourselves, but it is OUR responsibility to make the right decision for OURSELVES. I wish you well.