Must Husband Is Driving Me Insane!

So here goes...

I went to high school with my husband. While in high school I remained in a serious relationship with a man I have two sons with. My husband for the sake of this conversation we'll call Bill, made it very known to me that he liked me. He would flirt with me all the time, and even went as far as to tell me that he was going to marry me when we were older. I had no feelings for him in return because I was in love with my first love/high school sweet heart who we'll call Todd for the sake of this story. This went on through our high school years, until we graduated. I may have randomly bumped into Bill twice in the years after we graduated if that. Now, fast forward nine years post graduation, Todd my high school sweet heart dies, leaving me a single mom with 2 young sons @ the age of 25. One year later while browsing a social networking site, I run across Bill's page. I shoot him a message and we began conversing back and forth from that time. I learn that he is a Youth Mentor and he volunteers to mentor my young sons, who at the time were 4 and 6. I accept seeing that their father was now deceased and they needed a male figure in their lives. He follows through and begins taking them places, all the while attempting to court me. Everything moves super fast. He wants to get married, live together, have a baby etc. He moves in after only three months of dating, I know now, yes very naive of me, I know. Well, anywho I find out I'm pregnant after only three months of dating. So I bring up marriage, after all he was pushing for it from day one. When I do this he acts offended and says he's not ready. So we live together, i have the baby, there are girl after girl popping up in his phone, calling, texting, etc. All which he claims up today were just "friends". He says he does this because we aren't married so I push for marriage. So we marry, and it doesn't stop. Now he says I forced him to marry me. Fast forward another 6 yrs from the time Bill and I started dating and we are at current day. He and I have been together for 6 yrs married for 3.5 yrs, and things just keep getting worse. He does and says things, then later says he didn't do it or say it. He is always encouraging me to seek mental help. He has told me I was bipolar, manic depressant, had PTSD, a borderline personality, and always nags that I need anger management. Yes, he does drive me to the point where I am in rage!!! He has spent nights out the home, which he justifies, asks me to have **********, which he justifies, tells my kids I'm a bad mother, which he justifies, and/or retracts his words, then gets upset that I haven't forgiven him. He lies in front of the children, yells, then turns it all around on me. I've pointed this all out to him and suggested he may have a problem not me, which he completely denies and tell me not to turn it around on him. I've found recorded files that he has secretly kept taping me when I'm outraged at him, usual yelling because I found out about another woman. Pictures of me tossing his clothes out in attempt to kick him out. This is only the surface of it all. I still find random women but he deny s it later. When I try to discuss issues he uses four go to responses. They are "that's in the past, you need to learn how to forgive", or "I feel the same way about you", or "I'm not trying to talk about any problem today, I'm trying to have a good day, and so should you", or he'll just say "that's a lie". I always threaten to leave, but somehow cant. He uses this as an excuse as to why he behaves this way. He'll say, I don't care about him or don't love him cause I said I was leaving him. We've been to counselors but he refuses to admit to anything so we get no where. On the flip side. He is a community man, and everyone loves him. They believe his lies, and they believe he is someone he is not. He takes the kids and I to elaborate events, and we travel a great deal, and when he wants to be nice, he is the sweetest person around, but just like that he will flip into the nasty mean Jekyll and Hyde character. My sons love him dearly and so does our daughter. She loves him sooooo much, and she is soo sweet. I fear what the divorce will do to her little innocent self. I think of when my mom and dad divorced when I was young and it teared me up. Our finances are such that I cannot afford to take care of the children and myself without him. And he has let me know that if I file for divorce, I am not getting alimony, and also that he wants shared custody us our daughter which means he has no intentions on paying child support either. I don't know what to do I Pray and Pray and nothing seems to be working. I love him so much and want this marriage to work, but he refuses to be real with me, its like he addicted to playing with my mind like I'm a game of chess. Help!!!!
bluelove11 bluelove11
31-35, F
4 Responses Dec 3, 2012

First, you must find the inner strength to do what you know needs to be done for yourself. There are lots of us out here who would love to make this happen for you, but we can't.

Second, alimony and child support are not things that are voluntarily offered, they are set by a judge and administered by state agencies. He has no choice, and enforcement is tougher than it has ever been. (Though not perfect.)

There will be pain associated with any such break up, to be sure. This should be compared to the damage your kids will receive from long-term exposure to this man.

I wish for you courage and strength.

Thanks soo much! He is currently out the house, however I still haven\'t filed. Praying for courage.

omg just read your story before I had to get off of here---unbelievable--I just found this site today as I was googling "married to a narcisstic man", after one of those really bad days with my husband---The stories are so similar. I hope and pray finding almost identical stories from other spouses will help me gain the strength I need to move on. Just that feeling of not being alone with your questions, fears and worries, really helps.

Thank you so much! Any update on your marriage. I asked him to leave a week ago, but i still haven\'t found the courage to file for a divorce. Hope to here from you. Would love to share experiences.

For some weird reason my Mom has fallen in love with my Dad again and won't listen to my pleas for help. She is remarried to a complete push-over and it shows big time so my mom and dad go on 'just little get togethers' but its obviously a date. I'm so happy to hear all your kids see him as he is! It makes me happy to know at least there's an escape for someone! My dad has gotten much better since I threatens to spend all my money I've saved up on a counselor. Though in other areas its gotten much worse :( at the point where I am I must wait for 4 more years (until I'm 18) and I'm heading somewhere he won't be able to track me down. New York. This may sound a little extreme but I don't know what else to do. And to answer your question every other women my dad has dated only lasts a couple of days or weeks.

Wondering how you are doing?

My father is this type of man. I'm not the only child but my mom got my step siblings away from him trying to save them knowing she could do nothing for her 2 other babies (me and my brother) to here her say this broke my heart. That she couldn't help me. My father does the same exact things as your describing. I'm 14 and he insist on giving me 'kisses' before I go to sleep every night... I have no choices... Unfortunately for you and for me because I still must survive it... There is no way to help your kids but if you divorce him all you would do is save yourself. I know how it feels... I wouldn't blame you If you divorced him but I know how it feels to be a child and be under control of someone like this..... becasue if you don't have strong willed children like me, they will crumble under him like my brother and will become just like him. It hurts to see my dad rub off on my brother... We used to be the best of friends, my brother and I. Anyhow, God will not help you with him. I've prayed for the longest time my dad would die. I know harsh, but 14 yrs under him have killed me..... Even you do not understand what a child goes through. Just think.... When you have an extremely traumastic event you forget it right? This is what happens to me. I don't ever remember what he does to me but I remember how I felt. I will also randomly recall these things and write them down.... I fear that the only way you will ever escape him is his death.

I am sooo sorry to her this. I hate that you are going through this. When you say he insist on giving you kisses before bed, are they appropriate kisses at least??? I wonder... Just keep praying, however adjust your prayers. God does not answer prayers of harm If you want your situation fixed I feel you should pray that Gd will be done, and trust me Gods will is not for you to suffer. My sons are begining to pick up his traits, and that why I decided that it may be time to leave. I hope things get better for you. Is you mom happy now? Does your father still torture her? Has either of them remarried or moved on? And if your dad has, how is he in that relationship?