Narcissitic Men Will Never Get It - They Cannot They Have No Empathy
I dated my husband for about a year. It was an agonizing, crazy making time. Whenever there was even the slightest conflict needing resolution, or he felt the slightest slight he would run or rage. He would never address the issues. Such as if I shared I was hurt about the cruel things he had said - he would say such things " oh your always hurt" if I redirected and tried to again to help him understand how his words cut to my very sense of self he would say something like "you just want it your own way, I am not engaging with you." Recognize the pattern - blame shifting, putting me down, denial and therefore avoiding the real issue of his having accountability. Back then I would need so much for him to understand that I would calmly at first keep trying - his verbal attacks and intimidation would escalate (far away from anything I had wanted to discuss) and soon I was crying, curled up in a corner or kneeling at his knees begging him to forgive ME and LOVE ME. As is the case with all narcissistic types they are in any conflict to WIN and to get you to admit it is your fault thereby taking the one pressure off them that their personality cannot deal with CONFLICT about them, If they do apologize it will be for a motive such as at that moment they are not ready for you to leave - but they will hold a grudge and you will hear it again in twisted, cruel recalls of his as he ac cusses you in the future. Back then he would also abandon for days and not answer the phone etc. Finally of course the big abandonment came. We had been seeing a counselor - he was cold and distant and clearly without any sense of being accountable. He would not see the counselor any more because she "got it" and so he decided we had ganged up against him. YET ANOTHER SIGN OF A NARCISSISTIC MAN - THEY ARE ALWAYS THE VICTIM AND EVERYONE ELSE IS TO BLAME. I should have known better when 5 yrs later he reappeared claiming to have known he had always loved me and I was the only women he wanted to marry. He seemed different, he communicated without running away or raging. He wanted me real bad and treated me like he was just crazy about me. And he joined me on my commitment to living a life for Christ. His salvation moment was a little weak, but as time went on he took off in his spiritual growth. He really tried. But unfortunately his spiritual gifting also lead him into an area of ministry that is about spiritual morality. Quickly became moral superiority. As do all narcissists he spent years making notes believing he was special and anointed. Yet he never really pursued it that would require submission and being accountable. In his job he always believed he was not recognized for all he contributed. Truth was he lacked the ability to take direction and had an attitude of entitlement. We did OK however, as long as we stayed grounded in the church, Fights would still be vicious with him belittling me, humiliating me, gas lighting, bullying, calling me names and accusing me of things about the deeper me that were wrong or in the past. I would own my stuff and apologize where I could - that would cause him to become real self righteous with an attitude of "I do not know if I can forgive you, this might be over" I learned to stop the begging not to stop loving me and to understand. I would disengage - then the other sign of a narcissist would rear its head. He was in it to WIN. He would punish me with silence and withdraw his love until I gave in and said I was sorry. AND YET THE ISSUE HAD ONCE AGAIN NOT BEEN DEALT WITH. Anyway long and short he lost his 20 yr Military and Civil service job for a urine positive for marijuana. I was devastated but told him we would get through it and I went right back to work full time, plus continued to run my full time medical legal business (oh and just for giggles I have Lupus and a teenager).Well 3 yrs later he was still unemployed and lying to me about his drug use. He also lied about his military separation - he got a dishonorable. I had enormous stress with one fighting the fight to keep my boy of weed (he rationalized that if Dad did it why cannot he - he had seen Dad smoke and Dad asked him to lie to me about it - my son was angry at Dad and lost respect) My husband became more distant, fights were meaner with me just disengaging which made him more punitive. By three years and an enormous IRS bill I had had enough and let him know he one needed to get a job, provide for his family and get into recovery. That was the start of the end - he was angry, and now I know he began to plot behind my back to leave. He stole lots of money, treated me with disdain, yet here and there wanted to try to make things better. Problem with that was counselors again told him he needed to stop abusing his family emotionally and verbally and get a job as well as get into recovery. It was particularly hard on him since the message was a Christian one that he was not being a Godly provider. He kept his resentment inside. He blamed me, it was all my fault. I became depressed and admit to withdrawing - now to him I was a "lazy B". He did do a lot for us, he however, saw it as "look at all I do and you just lay in the bed: Truth was though I still worked full time nights and flew all over the country for my business then yes avoided him at home. I was wrong to do that. But I just could not face him, I disrespected the man I once held as my rock. End of the story - after almost 8 yrs he got up one morning and never came back. It has been a month and he will not speak to me or answer emails. He is treating me as if I am crazy and to blame. I am to blame for what mad him so mad. I confronted him and told him that for now while my son was in rehab YES he came first. I also told him I did not trust him because he had kept so much from me. Then when he was gone for 36hrs, i needed to go to work and had no car, I called his parents who said Rickey was doing so much for me by staying home to care for my son. OH NO....no more lying. I told them the truth about the drugs and being discharged, loosing everything. Well we can see where my husband learned his denial and uncaring attitude, his family did not want to hear it. They really did not care about their son, they just want to continue with their superficial uncommitted life that has resulted in 2 boys in jail, another always having affairs and abandoning his family. But in their minds there is nothing wrong with their family and my husband does not "need help". Instead they accused me of being a bad and ungrateful wife. Now he finds himself alone, living in a dump with no money. He cannot afford an attorney but tries to fake me out with the rare email that he has an attorney. He ducked the process server but I finally got him served with temporary orders to stop him from coming in the house in the middle of the night when I was not home, and from taking more money. He still was not talking to me, had just run from his family and responsibilities so I had to protect ourselves. I feel sorry for him and classic to a women stuck in the cycle of abuse I blamed myself. Friends keep reinforcing that he was mean, cold, distant, a controller and really hurt us and never was able to limit his behavior by recognizing the pain he caused us. He left in a particularly cruel way. He knew I had a reoccurring dream that terrified me. I would dream he left me and would not talk with me or tell me where he was. Now keep in mind this is a man that always professed unwavering commitment to the Bible and that divorce is not ever an option. He always said he would never leave because God would not allow it. Guess he changed his mind - for me I cannot just negate such a deeply help life value. For me it was until death do we part. It is sad, he is still angry, acting like the victim. But he has painted himself into a real corner. I am now working my way through Dr. Dodson's Lough Must Be Tough and holding him accountable. If he has chosen to leave and not communicate I accept that, I will not beg. I am kind and loving, but have set boundaries he does not like. I will permit divorce if he persists on refusing to take accountability, return to Christ, repent and work on his marriage. Sadly for him I will get everything since he owes me more than his 50%. I will assume all the debts to help him out, but the judge gave my son and I everything else. I am still trying to let him know he can have whatever he needs such as a bed, the extra sofa etc. But he is so proud he will still not communicate with me. We are moving on, still loving him, but he has really made his life miserable. He set out to punish me, and this time I said NO. He misses my son terribly and does stay in touch with him and for that I am deeply grate full. My son however, says he loves Dad but it is so much better without him here. He tells me how he stopped talking to Dad because "if you say something he does not like, he blows up." My trust is in God. I hate divorce and will not remarry. I however, am determined to not live with my husband as a narcissistic abuser ever again. They destroy your self worth, make you doubt your perceptions, and tear open every wound they can find. It is all about avoiding the terrible pain and low self esteem from parents who put them down, expected too much and were also cold and distant. Without the Lord creating in him true awareness that brings actual guilt and then repentance there is no hope for the narcissist. They will tell you when you argue that you cannot make them feel guilty. They are right, they have no empathy, and are full of anger and the need to be right and to win over you.