Married To Pa Female For Many Years And I Am Dying

I love her. I always have. She says she loves me. But she cannot possibly, because love doesn't "do" this. She denies what she does. Then we fight and she slowly admits it, then says she didn't know she was doing it, then, finally, says she didn't mean it.

We have two or three days when the sun comes out, and then she sabotages our happiness. There is always this invisible tension that I cannot put my finger on.

She holds back, with this wall or suit of armour, and won't let me in. She has secrets and I feel that I don't know her.

I ask for affection. She tells me she gives it, but is cold and unemotional towards me.

There is no other man, I know that.

She started after we were married. The behaviour came down with a bang, suddenly, and I thought that I was going mad. Then it was blamed on PMS. Then it couldn't be PMS., because she had her female parts removed.

It is only reasonably recently - within the last ten years - that I have researched the net to identify what the problem is. I have gone around in circles, am physically and emotionally sick. I used to be a strong male, worked on Special Units, long periods of fighting bad guys, have gone through all kinds of training and operations. I took charge, achieved rank, was respected.

But I was also a sensitive and caring man, who took the weight by dealing with accounts, giving her free rein to do what she wanted. She didn't have to work, or could work if she wished; I tried to be the knight on the white charger and I know that other women saw and envied her this marriage. I would do everything for her and tried to get and be whatever she wanted, but nothing was ever enough.

She is a miserable and negative person, who does not appreciate anything. There is no empathy for anyone, least of all me. I learned that she is the worst kind of PA and sabotages and complains, and sees the glass half empty. The best I can hope for is a level of mere acceptance or satisfaction; the worst is outward rejection and complaining.

There is no need or want towards me, in any way, and she pushes me away in all respects.

This man is broken. Oh, I know that no one should have the power to do that to me, but I felt that if I showed her that I loved her, what love means, that she would give it back.

I thought that if she realized what she was doing to me, an ordinary human who loved her and gave to her, that the pain would stop.

But it doesn't and won't stop. She even knows that other women like me.

There are times when the behaviour goes on for weeks; other times it is for days.

I offer to take her places, but her answer is always that there is nowhere to go. I suggest that we stay in, watch a movie, hang out, and she moans that she is fed up with going nowhere.

She walks over me and exudes a seething anger, mixed with stubbornness. Won't start a conversation, often can't be bothered to talk to me, in the evenings while we sit together.

I ask myself what am I doing staying with her. The kids are married and gone, so I could go. But I still love her.

Things get so bad that I think of leaving, and I sometimes contemplate suicide, just to get this pain to stop.

I know that is not acceptable, and I wonder how a once strong man got to this stage.

I wish someone would or could help me. I have no one. I would not talk with our kids, and I have no parents, or friends in which to confide.

My option is to pack and move out. To live in an apartment somewhere, alone.

She says she loves me and wants our marriage to carry on. But how can she exhibit so much anger, so much ambiguity, that I cannot look into her face anymore because I see contempt and dislike reflected there.

I am dying; she is killing me, and I cannot do a thing about it.

Thanks for listening to my pathetic and weak moaning; I feel so ashamed and so lost that I don't know who I am. What is the point...

linehart linehart
4 Responses Jan 16, 2013

Dear, dear Linehart. I am in your shoes almost to the letter but I am the wife. Married about 9 1/2 years. Short courtship so I was none the wiser. I feel your pain deep down in my soul, my heart and my bones. I have been married before. He was verbally abusive and a bit PA. Single 10 years and go so lonely. I have "other" opportunities but want to stick by "my man". I try to be the perfect wife. Dinner ready when he gets home, makes sure housework is done, clean home, etc. But if it comes to my feelings vs competition there" $$$ always wins. I'm an intelligent person, 54 yrs old, and yet given the silent treatment after an argument. I have realized the best thing to do is to not engage in his argumentitive behavior and go into another room. Fortunately he doesn't follow me. He stays up later than usual and slinks into bed. He pretends nothing is wrong the next day but doesn't initiate any conversation. He won't look me in the eye, buys me things(his way of showing "love") I accidentally clipped the sided of our garage. He came unglued! Ranted and raved and still throws it back at me in an argument. Our garage is too small to begin with and we both have larger cars. He just happed to be pulled too far away from his side of the garage and I avoided hitting him but got the garage. He won't go to counseling; I do. He thinks he's perfect. He thinks he puts up with me so he feels he does enough as a husband: I take out the garbage, I pay the bills, I do the housework, I make dr appts, pick up meds, all the grocery shopping, etc. We live in a condo so he doesn't have to do any yard work! I love working outside as it is my therapy. I do wish you the very best. Children make it hard to leave. If they're old enough, I would leave. We have no kids and cannot find a decent job w/benefits to live on my own so I am trapped. I wanted you to know that you've got an online friend. I understand and wish only kindness, joy, love and compassion for you. You deserve someone who can appreciate you for the wonderful person you are. Please, whatever you do, it is not worth offing yourself over your spouse. You'd be letting her "win". You deserve better, my friend. Please take these words to heart as you are precious to God's eyes and there is someone out there who would appreciate all the time, not just during the "honeymoon" phase. God bless and take care.

Get a good therapist & start getting your thoughts straight. In my opinion PA's are very good @ manipulation & twisting your emotions, so much so that you don't know which way is up. Start rebuilding yourself starting with acquiring a social network & activities you like to do. Second, if she refuses to leave the house start getting yourself out. Do things for you. If you like to bowl, join a bowling league. If you like to shoot guns, join the shooting range. Etc. Start working on making your interests the forefront, start having a life separate from the one at home. I imagine when you start actually feeling like you again that things will start becoming a little clearer. Start making an exit plan in case you do decide to leave. As for your military background, look @ it like this, how long would it take a prisoner of war to be worn down mentally? You've had years of it in your home life, of course you would be affected by that. However, remember you have the choice to stay or go, do what is best for you. (As I read somewhere once: your children are grown & you've "served your sentence."). Take care & God Bless :)

It's so hard to love somebody so much, only to be rejected. Even on the days where everything else can seem "ok," the invisible wall of tension can exist and it ruins your peace. This is the PA's way for taking away YOUR power, and hoarding all the power in the relationship. It keeps you off balance and robs you of your self esteem.

Honey, I'm going to give you some advice that WILL help you in the long run. Work. On. YOU. You need to talk to a trained counselor about this. it will be the first step of many to help ensure that even if you DO decide to stay in this will be well-eqipped to do so. It's time to start reading up on PA and coping with being on the receiving end.

It's also time to start looking into your role as a Co-Dependent spouse. PA's LOVE CD's.
It's what they are attracted to. It's like giving a fighter pilot an unlimited, open range for target practice ;)

Work on you. Where you may not be able to control HER actions, you can certainly control your reactions. You simply cannot allow your own sense of self-worth to be placed in another person. It's time to live your life, sweetie. You only get one shot at this.
Isn't it time to make the best of it?

I know just what you mean... I realized recently that I'd lost all of the confidence and strength I used to have, before I met my husband. It has been a slow whittling down at the hands of his PA behavior, but I had become awkward, introverted to an extreme, unsure of how to connect with others, unsure of my own body and mind.

I say "had" because finally recognizing his behavior has, for now at least, turned much of that around. It isn't me. There's nothing I can do to fix it. I am asking him to fix it, but if he refuses or simply cannot, I will leave. I have too much to offer to myself and my kids and the world in general to stay here with him and let him do this to me.