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This I Not What I Signed On For

I cannot be the only person that is married to a cop, and is now regretting it. Why should I feel bad that I don't want this life for me or my kids? He's never home, and when he is I wish he'd just go back to work. If he's not a self absorbed piece of @$#%, them he's in a bad mood over the smallest thing, wants to go drink with other cop cheaters, and lastly never looks up from his computer or TV. Some would say you know what you got yourself into. NOOOO, that was not our life before. He worked in construction, and he worked long hours from time to time, and if or when he wasn't making time for me and the kids, he would tell us that we're going out for some family time. I would get flowers at work, and text messages telling me how great his life is because of me and all that I do. I freaking have no idea who the hell this guy is I am now married to!

I want to cut my loses, bite the bullet and get a divorce for my own sanity. I knew that there were going to be new normal(s) coming my way. How can this man be a hero and a zero to his own kids? Just fed up I guess.

One night I sent him a few texts telling him that I think this relationship is really over, and that I don't see a future. He works graves, and when we came in our bedroom in the morning he crawled in bed and woke me up. He wanted to know why all the horrible texts? I told him I was reading last night....and he ask "what were you reading." My answer "the bible" and we never spoke about it again.

Issues never get resolved, and I will never have someone who support my dreams or passions. Every year, I have to worry about Mother's day, my birthday, or christmas. Why? Because I am reminded how little this man knows me or even listens to me. One year when I told him I liked a certain song, for my birthday I got the bands complete collection of every cd they have ever made.

This is probably both bad husband/cop problem. Just ready to get out. They has to be people out there that do not regret walking away from a cop marriage. There has to be a person out there that has good news for me, that our marriage can work being married to a cop. I am a cosmetologist, and believe me, I see first hand how my fellow co-workers are having the time of their lives with their spouses and boyfriends. I want that I really do!!!
funnyhahalaura funnyhahalaura 41-45, F 6 Responses Jan 16, 2012

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I walked away because my brief marriage dissolved into exactly what you describe. He had no room for me or our son, let alone our marriage. Never felt so lonely or unimportant. Our son and I are both infinitely happier without him. Be strong.

Please get him to watch the film courageous...it might change him forever!c I saw it at a men's conference and ...CRIED!

surely all this can't be a coincidence. Has there been a study done to investigate being married to a police officer. I wish someone would make a programme on it. Maybe i wouldn;t feel like such a nobody if i knew it wasn;t just me.....

You mention the things he does (or doesn't do) for you. What do you do for him? I know -- trust me, I really do know -- how hard it is to be married to a man whose butt shape is permanently imprinted in the couch in front of the tv and who'd often rather spend time with his friends than with me. I know how it feels to have a man who has all the kindness in the world for people in need and who comes home and screams at me and our kids over stupid things. That's the nature of his job. And I'm not making excuses. Mine needs anger management, and he needs help something awful. But I am fighting for our marriage. I bring him drinks and snacks so that he can enjoy his game time in front of the tv more. I encourage him to spend more time with his friends so that he can unwind after work instead of coming home and taking out his anger and frustration on his family. I am grateful for what little I do get from him -- and sometimes it's in the small things that I get the glimpses of the man I married. <br />
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He's got this job for a reason. He cares -- truly cares -- about helping other people. He married me because he knew I had his back. He knew I could keep our home and family together while he went off and did whatever he had to do. My end of the bargain feels utterly overwhelming sometimes, and I really don't want this job. I don't feel like I signed on for this. But at the same time, I know I did. Because I married him for better or for worse. I love him, and I do have his back. I will fight to keep our marriage, home, and family together no matter what. I'll do it as he goes off and helps people, and I'll keep his home pleasant and peaceful for him when he gets back.<br />
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Don't expect your husband to refuel you. He won't because he can't. He doesn't have it in him. Go find your fuel elsewhere. Talk to friends, go to a day spa, and do whatever else it is you need to do to get you through the day. Just don't look to him for that. Do what you need to do to be there for him. <br />
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Or leave him. Just don't keep picking at him because it's not helping him, his job, you, or your marriage.

Thoughtful. You should write this comment into a EP story.

Dotti, if you'll notice, I stated that husbands and wives should be there for each other. Marriage to a first responder is one of the hardest jobs in the world because your spouse is emotionally drained from the job and will nearly always back burner you. That's why I suggested she refuel elsewhere. She needs emotional support from somewhere, and if her partner isn't giving it to her, she needs to get it herself until he CAN give it to her. She cannot demand it from him because that will further break down the fabric of their marriage.

Or, as I mentioned, if she needs a partner who is always there for her nmw, she can simply leave him. That's always an alternative. Not everyone is cut out for a first responder marriage. It's a hard job, and as you said, there's no shame in feeling that way.

I should clarify that I have been married to a first responder for 12 years, most of them quite happy. My advice comes from learning that he needs to feel understood and loved in order to feel "safe" at home. His job is difficult, stressful and tumultuous, and home *needs* to be his safe place. If I am constantly badgering him about what *I* want from him, then I become just one more person making his life difficult, stressful and tumultuous, if that makes sense. I've learned not that my needs don't matter (they do) but that our home needs to be a place of peace and rest in order for both of our needs to be met. And when things get too hard, I stick my nose in a book and tune out for a bit.

I hope that clarifies things a bit better.

I understand completely how you feel. I feel underappreciated too. My man is in the Armed Forces and he works 12 hours a day, almost everyday. I don't know how he has time to be an *******, but aapparently he accomplishes it.

I have been married to a cop for 31 years, the last 5 years he has been retired. Two years ago I decided to tale a syamd against his controlling behavior. I rely on biblical principle,my research about bullies, controlling husbands,how good girls can finish first,a trusted group of friends<br />
,a book about how one person can bring two together. I determined in my heart that my policeman needs me and we will succeed in getting along. Think of the positives. My cop is night in shining armor, I was made for him...he too was a regular guy when we married a welder.he too changed.the horrors and degradation they see is life changing. They need a strong wife that god made just for them. Don't quit your job,find a supportive church,be proactive and your policeman will see your de option..be a family for the policy not against- develop a "love" relationship with Jesus, he will meet your every need and you can have your relationship with your husband. Don't abandon the ship. Its worth it, Jesus did not go e up o. Us, surely we can not give up on the men we married. Mrs. Chaney

You give better advice as you are in!What you have wrtten is encouraging!Hug to you!from Brother!!!