Policeman's Wife

I've been married to a policeman for 25 years.  After we got married he went into the Police Academy and graduated at the top of his class.  I was so proud of him!  At his graduation ceremony a minister spoke to the spouses telling us we must be supportive.  I took this advice very serious.  

The first ten years was a time of adjustment.  The hope of being a "good" cop was overshadowed by department politics and being on a crew with "bad" cops.  Imagine your own sergeant stealing from businesses, drinking while on duty, and having an affair.  To be a good cop meant to look the other way and don't rat.  

This had a huge affect on my husband, and on our marriage too.  He had to live a double life.  It took him years to tell me what had been going on.  That explained the moodiness and general distrust of everyone.  It wasn't long before I too was someone he didn't trust. 

The past fifteen years have been hell.  He has been passed up for several promotions because of being on the "wrong side" of department politics.  This job sucks the life out of him.  It's all he ever thinks and talks about.  I suppose I should be glad he tells me what's going on but to be honest I'm sick of it!  Our marriage has been on the back burner for too long.  His only friends are cops, he only socializes with cops, and now it's turned into a no wives club.  Cops only trust other cops and that's it.  What did I gain by being supportive?        

56apples 56apples
51-55, F
5 Responses Jul 18, 2009

Thank you so much for your posting, its exactly how I feel. There must be thousands of us out there feeling the same but most of the time its a pretty lonely experience being a policemans wife. However, most of the time we keep quiet and get on with it

I did not know, how to answer my friends question. Who married a male cop. "What is the secret of your sucess of your marrige?" "Forgiveness" I replied then clicks on me that she is cop's wife. "i receive negative vipers from my husband." she said. I told her about my late brother who was a polieman turn to alcohal and never rcoved. He died with Lung Cancern last year. When he was a policwman he used to call me for backup. Someone called him nd he's been told. He will be shot. He was the only policeman in our community. So I told her about the stress and fear he used to have but standing beside him doid not help because the local authorities were not supportive to his work. I send her about 'Te policeman' stress. She thank me after she read it. but that is not enoug.

I know it's hard but it sounds like you have the advantage of your husband being honest with you about what's really going on. <br />
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Our marriage got better when I was less dependent upon him to "make me happy" and found happiness within myself. I know that sounds like a separate life, but we got to where we enjoyed our privacy and staying home alone. There was less stress and less tension for both of us. Of course that meant I found friends and did things with them from time to time but we also took time for just ourselves.<br />
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We must have done something right because we were married 24 years and 49 weeks to the day before he died in the line of duty. My thoughts are treasure what you've got and talk about what you need to make you happy. Hopefully he will do the same.

I know how you could feel i saw in my uncle's life he was a cop and saw his marriage break up and his two sons are now cops and one of them went through a divorce.

It is nice to hear that you have supported your husband through the bad times. Maybe your husband should make enquiries about other police stations and then try to get a transfer to the one that sounds the best. I don't what the real answer should be as the grass is not always greener on the other side. Maybe he should put in for a secondment to see how things go before asking for a permanent transfer.