Self-Centered Vs. Selfish

That must be frustrating for you.

He sounds worse than just self centered, to me! He does not behave in a loving manner at all! Don't let his behavior erode your self esteem- you deserve to be treated with thoughtfulness, respect, and consideration, and to be listened to.

My ex is like that in the end i couldn't take it anymore and left!
my heart go's out to you,
just remember we all deserve love and respect, and to not be taken forgranted.

from Feflower

His behaviour is unacceptable. If things changed after you got married, it is worth digging deeper to see what has caused this change. Marriage does strange things to men sometimes, and I don't just mean reveal nasty traits that were hidden before. Check for things that might be creating insecurities (eg do you earn more than he does? is he having sexual performance issues) and things like parental issues. It might well turn out that he's just a self-centred ******, but I think it would be a good idea to go looking for the cause of his behaviour first. It's still *HIS* problem, but understanding it may allow you to come to a solution with less grief for yourself.

TardyDodo, thanks for you insight. It has helped. I started thinking about it and went back over some of the things he's said about how much I make and the house we live in (it was mine before we met). It could indeed be insecurity. Then I wondered what he had to be insecure about, I mean, I married him right? that must count for something. Then it dawned on me. Good grief, am I slow or what? I don't NEED him! That is probably why he is feeling insecure. Next question, how does one convince another that they may not be needed but they are definitely wanted? Saying it is apparently not enough.

I believe that respect, consideration,making some compromises are a two way street,once he gets the upper hand you lose and it seems you have given in to much. give no respect, earn none, give no consideration, earn none, not willing to compromise, go it alone, dig your heels in before there is no you left... Good luck

You're correct Grams. When things first started going south, I thought I just needed to back off a bit. I do have a strong personality and I didn't want to seem as though I wanted everything for myself and wasn't willing to compromise. But, instead of helping, it made things worse. After a while I realized I was making all the concessions--I was compromising myself out of existence. This was when we went to counseling. Interestingly enough, the counselor told him the same things I'd been telling him and I felt vindicated. On top of which I realized that I really hadn’t changed. I was the same woman I was when we married. He was the one who’d changed; from caring, thoughtful and considerate to self-centered and grasping. It is to the point now where we have been living separate lives. He says that isn’t what he wants and I tell him that it takes two to change it. After reading Tardy’s response I decided to approach this from a different angle and realize that he is indeed insecure and I don’t really think he can help it. I’m afraid too, that I’ve lost respect for him because of this. Because I have a hard-won self-confident streak a mile wide I need to be around someone with similar tendencies not someone who is belligerent and unwilling to compromise or to admit when he is wrong. We’re still talking it through though which means there is hope. But I’m definitely through compromising. I still don’t know exactly what changed between the time we married and the time he developed his insecurities. It can’t possibly be over something as stupid as money.

I can only tell you that my husband & I have seperated after 19 yrs. I really believe it evolved around the 'I don't need you, but I want you' issue. Everytime I got aggrivated at him I told him that I could live perfectly fine without him, that I chose to be with him, that I don't need him but that I want him. Then I would tell him if he's tired of me let me know & I'll go...I didn't say this all the time, maybe once a year. On the 19th year I went into my spiel, he turned and told me he was tired of me. I had said those things and believed those things every time I said them, but now I'm finding I not only want him, but I truly need him as well. Moral of the story don't say anything you're going to regret later. Sit down and talk it over with him, let him know how you feel and ask him how he feels about it. It's to late for me, but it doesn't have to be to late for you. Good luck.

Interestingly enough, sweet, after I posted this article, my husband sudden… well changed. I wondered for a while if he had an account on EP and had read my post. I still don’t know if what happened but, he is back to the man I married. He isn’t trying to control me anymore, he is taking my suggestions (okay, listening to them at least), and asking me what I want. Because of my trust issues, my first thought was that he had a girlfriend or just broke up with one; but nothing he’s ever done has given that indication. I guess the real answer is that in some way, I started treating him differently, or I said something magical and the universe was aligned perfectly at the time. Sometimes though, I find myself asking him if everything is alright. When he asks why, I remind him of what he was like. He swears up an down he was never that way… Maybe he is my husband’s twin…

This all sounds so familiar. I've been with my boyfriend for eight months, and I absolutely love him to pieces.

Backstory is, I'd never been in a serious relationship before, and got quite sucked into being around him all the time. I'd previously lived by myself and been happily single and figured that if I met someone amazing enough, I'd go out of my way to accommodate him into my life. I met him when I was going through a tough time (redundancy and financial problems) but it was nothing I couldn't handle and nothing compared to some things I'd handled on my own before.

At the start, it was wonderful. I understood that the start was meant to be wonderful, but in a long-term relationship it's hard to sustain that feeling all the time. I got a bit too wraped up like I said in being around him all the time, probably because it was the first time I'd really met someone I loved, and I was getting used to being around him. I eventually stopped doing all the things I used to do, and stopped seeing my friends. My boyfriend has manic depression and as much as I thought I could handle that all on my own, I know I can't. In the past month, I've realised that (no offence to him, he can't help the way his brain functions at times) his depression has rubbed off on me. He's not in work due to the depression, declared bankruptcy a while back, and berates himself constantly for any reason that his mind chooses to make up and make a big drama out of.

He'd noticed I was becoming more depressed and got defensive about it, not mentioning his own depression (I think he's too ashamed to face that it's had an effect on me, I'm sure I'd be the same) and telling me I always look bored when I'm with him. Thing is, that was actually true. I don't know who the man is who I met, but he does reappear sometimes. I know he's a good soul. He has just tried to start a silly argument over nothing, because for the past few days I've been working on creative things I always used to do (I'm retraining from working in a call centre to doing design) and am getting on at an alarming rate. This happened when I started back at work as well after being made redundant. I think he feels left behind by me sometimes. He keeps calling himself stupid, when he's nowhere near it. He keeps criticising the way he looks when he knows I think he's beautiful.

Point is, it just does not matter what I do to try and make him feel more secure. So I may as well do nothing. He has sexual problems as well and won't acknowledge them, and says that he just doesn't like sex (although the few times we've had it he didn't seem to mind too much). This hurts even more that he rejects me because he's the first person I've ever slept with who I've truly loved (and I've slept with over 20 other people in my younger days, and was raped 8 years ago, so understandably it means so much more that I know I'm over all that crap). I know the problem yet again is that he's ashamed of himself, when he doesn't need to be. He has plenty of qualities to be proud of, but just sits around like a lazy slob all day wasting his life. I'm starting to become resigned to the fact that I'll never really feel loved or appreciated in this relationship. Everything revolves around him, and his own personal dramas that he invents in his head. I wish I knew how to help with that because being him being a narcissist doesn't seem to be good for either of us. I relate to other users' comments of always having to go where he wants to go, eat what he wants to eat, do everything on his schedule. He never puts himself out just to do something for the girlfriend he keeps calling awesome and wonderful, he thinks just saying it to keep me happy is enough.

Maybe one day I'll realise it isn't. It's making me really upset to think of the possibility of leaving him, because when he's not being a self-centred d**k he's the most lovely person you could ever dream of meeting. He's considerate, he's caring, he listens, he asks what I want to do... but the instances of this happening are getting further apart. I don't know if I'm losing him and it terrifies me. I know I don't technically need him, but on the other hand, I can't imagine my life without him in it, it would be more empty and dull and flat.

Sorry about the rant. I'll commit the ultimate sin here and confess to the fact that I wish I could change him. Maybe not him per se, but definitely the childish way he behaves. Btw he's 14 years older than me (and keeps going on about this as well).

Best of luck everyone and thanks for posting, your comments are very supportive to the rest of us.