Is My Husband Really A Sociopath?

I'm new at this sharing stories stuff online, but in a really hard place and need advice or encouragement.

First off, I am a Christian and I have been praying for God's direction and will in this situation. I have been a stay at home mom for a couple years now, and currently separated from my husband of seven years (since September 09). I'm back in the state that I'm originally from, while he is another state. We have been separated for 6 months (nothing legal though). We were constantly arguing and fighting all the time (and in front of our 3 year child which I hated).  I am so scared to leave the marriage for several reasons: fear of the unknown, no financial security (being a stay at home and him the only one working), that I failed as a wife and mother by having my daughter go through her parents getting divorced, embarrassment, a lot more. He has also threatened that he wants split/equal custody of our daughter and if I challenge him for it, it WILL get ugly and basically drag me though the mud. I wanted our marriage to work to being with, and did not want to leave, but basically he was the one that pretty much insisted I go back to my parents and that some time apart may help us.

I still talk my mother in law almost everyday, and she has told me that she believes her son (my husband) is a sociopath. Just today, I have started researching this and looking into it. I have to say that not all, but quite a few characteristics/symptoms he has. But he has NEVER laid a hand on me. My mother in law has said that her ex, my husband's father (who is deceased), was controlling-but he was physically abusive to her- and cheated on her all the time, and that she sees the same characteristics in her son that she saw in his father.  She even told me that this is my chance to get out of this.

Just a little brief history of some things: There have been incidences where I am almost positive that he cheated on me, or did something inappropriate. One was a high school "friend" of his-who I also became friends with-and not to mention a preacher's daughter. To make a long story short, they were talking on the phone all the time and always texting each other. I looked at  his cell phone bill for one of the months this was going on, and there were over 100+ calls and texts between the two. I mentioned it to both of them and they told me it was nothing at all and they were just friends. It ended up getting so out of hand, that her parents, my parents and my mother in law had to get involved to make it stop. Then there was another girl-married and pregnant with her husband's baby-we were both friends with. I found emails between the two of them (an email account I didn't know he had, but was somehow able to get into it). Basically they were talking about how much they wanted to be with each other, start a family, and all that crap. There were nights when he would not sleep at home and said he was going to sleep in his car in the Walmart parking lot. It felt at that time he had already checked out of the marriage and could care less about me. But I was praying that God would save our marriage. There were many other things, like him getting a new cell phone w/ a different carrier, this girl kept calling our house telling me I shouldn't be there and that was going to be her house, and of course a lot more.  My mother in law had to step in again and get ahold of that girl too. His reason why he did those things was because I was not being the wife I should have been, and if I would have paid attention to him he wouldn't have had to get it elsewhere, basically saying that it was all my fault. (And yes, I wasn't keeping the house clean and cooking meals like I should have-which he keeps throwing up in my face. I ended up becoming overwhelmed with grief and emotion because of all this and went to the Dr. and got a Rx for Effexor, an anti-depressant.) Then, here recently, it happened all over again with the same preacher's daughter!  And when I went down to our house to get some more of my things, there on the nightstand was a camera, with the last two pictures of them hugging on our bed, and her ring on the nightstand (I knew it was her's because I saw her wearing it). They again, both denied anything happened. But admitted that the first time it did get out of hand (all they did was kiss) and it was inappropriate and they shouldn't have let it happen. Most recently, I noticed a charge on the bank statement to a steakhouse. I asked him who he went with and he said his mom. His mom said that it was not her and he is lying and what reason would she have for lying? I then tell him and he swares it was her. Same cycle, everyone else is lying and he is telling the truth. And if I can't trust him I don't need to be with him. 

He also lied and told me that my SUV was getting repossessed because he couldn't afford the payments on it. When I went to the house that night to get my stuff, there in the shop was my SUV. I called him out on it and he said he lied because was embarrassed and didn't want it to get repossessed at my parents house. Seemed like it was another way to control me by taking away my vehicle. (I called the finance company and they told me they just deferred the two months payments and they were not repossing it.)

I can't believe anything he tells me and even his mom said he is a compulsive liar. He tells me that I'm the compulsive liar and that he hasn't told as many lies as I have. what ?!  He has also been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Manipulating, putting me down, everything is my fault and always comes back to me, not taking responsibility for his actions or behavior. And the promiscuous sexual behavior: wanting someone to watch him or walk in on him ************, wanting to be with a transsexual, wanting me to be with another man while he masturbates. And when I tell him no, he gets mad because I wouldn't want to do those things (later he tells me he didn't mean it, but just wanted to talk about it so he could get off/excite him.)

In saying all this, our marriage has came to the point where we need to call it quits or try and work it out. Me personally, I feel like I have nothing for him anymore, but he is almost in tears wanting me back and saying the he loves me. I keep telling him how do I know that won't happen again (him flirting or doing something inappropriate again) and he keeps saying how does he know that, and I quote, "I won't be a wife again and keep the house clean, and have meals cooked for him and act like I want to be with him".....and he has put that fear aside and willing to try.

If he really is a sociopath, then things may never change or work out. I just don't know what to do...


alipmon alipmon
12 Responses Mar 1, 2010

wow, I hope you got out of this alive... Him "wanting " you back is only because he needs supply. That's all you are to him. An object.

Get his mother deposed immediately by a lawyer, get all of your paperwork together, no gaps, file for divorce. Use his sexual misbehavior to deny him shared custody. Only fully supervised visits.

Please read The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick and visit "A Cry for Justice." Abuse is not God's plan for you and it's not love. Another good website is manipulative people dot com (Dr. George Simon). BE SAFE! You are valuable and precious!

May be a sociopath may not be, But from this story its clear you arent the woman he should be with. Some people just want to have fun and not be tied down and maybe he is a sociopath. but if he wants cut him loose its the right thing to do.

If he is a sociopath its wrong to strangle him with your religious views and its wrong for him to not treat you as an equal.

And also being a sociopath doesnt make you a bad person. trying to make a sociopath conform to you're "norms" makes them bad people.

Wrong.. They are the definition of "bad people " you must be a sociopath...

I can say that with almost 100% certainty that none of you accept one are dealing with a sociopath. You cant just read one thing online and spot four things that relate and call someone a sociopath. Granted it sounds like the men you are with have plenty of issues mentaly but you people need to educate yourselfs. Do not call an apple an orange. Many people with socipathic tendancies or other mental instabilitys seek out those that are weak, not of high inteligence and low self asteem. Leave him, have some self respect and educate yourselfs or you will have this happen again.

Truth is, they enjoy destroying " good, happy and successful people, they are envious of their normality, ability to maintain friendships, the more successful you are the better she looks.. "Image" If a psychopath chooses you, it's a compliment. Empathy, compassion, trust, loyalty, honesty does not describe a " weak, dumb, or low self esteem person" quite the opposite.

Hi, My first husband was very immature. My second was verbally abusive and my third was a sociopath. I didn't figure it out until a year or so after he had been out of my life. It was the most destructive and punishing relationship I have ever had but I could not see it until I was looking back at it. All of the other relationships were dull by comparison because they were real but with my third husband everything was intense and dramatic and not a relationship at all it was all about him. Your husband sounds very much the same only worse. You need to start working on an escape plan. There are places to get help and maybe the best place to start is your doctor. They can usually direct you to resources. Please don't let this guy talk you into marriage counseling. My third husband was able to convince an experienced counselor into agreeing with him that I should not visit my terminally ill brother unless he said it was alright. Sociopaths don't have any empathy. No guilt. He won't change because it's what he is. Good luck to you. There are many better things out there for you.

Hi, I have found out after 13 years together and 6 years of marriage that my husband is a sociopath. We have a 2.5 year old son together but to tell you the truth he has never spent any quaity time with him. I was and still keep in touch with the psychologist but have been able to put things in perspective. One thing is for sure, you need to get out and get out fast! I had no job because I am a teacher and it is very difficult to get one, so I have been a stay at home mom. He was the main provider of income but began playing games and stopped paying a mortgage a year ago. He told me we were going to modify the mortgage. I over the past two years began thinking about divorce but would give him another year to see if he would change and be a better dad and husband. But then this march I find out he fell in love with a 14 year old student of his, that he was accusing people of doing really inapropriate things where all these accusations were really things he was doing. He was accusing me of having all these affairs where I found out he is the one having them. Absolutely disgusting. I was told to get out of the marriage and also doing some online research found out that the less things you have together the better. Becasue in my case he is about contol. He would check my phone records and call me on things that I never knew how he knew. Now I know. The only thing we have in both of our names is the house. He has no lawyer but has been playing games with mine so we are now awaiting a court date so we can just go in front of a judge. I am hoping soon because he still lives in the house with us. Says he has no money to move out but I know he is workign for cash and is hiding the money by the help of his mistress that I just was able to prove that he is having an affair with two days ago. But pretty much in regards to the kids and emotions, sociopath do not have emotions and they can cause more damage than good to kids. So the less they see them the better. In my case, my husband caused many families pain and in many cases he was turning kids against each other and thier own parents as well. So I was told that this is something I may have to keep my ears open for as our son gets older. He has never hit me or our son but he has punched and kicked our dog where I would step in front of the dog to stop him on many occasions. My advice to you is get out and dont think twice. I had no source of income but will be going to social services for help with bills and food. Get the assistance as long as you need it and at the same time look for a job once you get one you can always stop the help. Its nothing to be imbarrased about its there if you need it. Any credit cards in both names get rid of them. cell phone get it on your name pay the cancellation fee and change numbers so he has no access. Try to do as much as you can on the hush so that once you decide to file he can't go and charge up debt and stuff like that. I know it sounds crazy but these people will do anything to make your life misreable. So you have to protect yourself from the start. Have a plan where to go if things get out of hand. Once I knew that my husband is a sociopath I knew I could not tell him personally I wanted a divroce. So I left the country to visit my parents like I do each year and my lawyer sent him an email and letter home stating that I had retained him and that I am filing for a divorce. He was not happy and told people I ran away with our son. He told people I physically abused him and some people that I raped him. He still continues to tell people horrbile things about me to try to ruin my reputation but most that know me do not believe him and those that do not know me might because he is very good at convincing them. He really is a brillian human being. So if you are going to file for a divorce I would recommed you plan a trip for two weeks and have your lawyer serve them the day you leave or the next day. This will give them time to cool off and hopefully you can get things going. BUT becareful becasue my husband was playing the nice card when I came back acting like I hurt him and that he is hurt and was crying. Its all fake so dont buy into it. I know it sounds crazy but it is true. Sociopaths are known as people with no soul and they do not feel remorse for any wrong doing. So just pretend you feel bad but continue living your life like they are not there. They thrive on making other peoples lives misreable so if you show weakness they will use that against you. Another thing, they do not know what love is of what feelings are so do not worry about your child. You need to love them for both of you and act as the mom and dad until you find someone when you are ready. Many sociopath will say they want 50/50 but in all honesty they really do not care about thier own kids and only say that so they can make your life misreable. I am going for sole custody and will fight that tooth and nail. Beacause of you let them share custody then they have one up on you. Becasue if you go get passports for the child/ren, they can say NO and now you cant get yur child a passport. So either get things done with your husband before you get a divorce or go for sole custody. If you think or your lawyer thinks you may not have enough ground for sole custody then before you file get them passports becasue if they are older the passsports are good for 10 years so you will have peace for that long. Hope this helps. Remember many decisions I made here are ba<x>sed on my experience with my husband but from talking to prfessionals you really need to take control of everything and do not worry if you have no job or stuff, your husband will have to help you out. Good Luck!

I know this post is a year old....but your situation is exactly what I'm going through with my husband!! The lies, the cheating and the abandonment while onto his next victim. He is a very good looking guy who lays on the charm. I'm just trying to find out more about sociopaths because I know he is one.

I am going through the same thing with my husband. You need to stand up for yourself. I got a restraining order on my husband when he threatened the same thing. God has put the natural systems in place to protect you, so use them. The "miracle" comes in letting your husband experience pain from the consequences of the decisions he has made. He may need to go to prison so that he can realize that he is in need of salvation. The more you try to reason with him, the worse thing become. Gather evidence of his lying. He is a coward and once you file a restraining order, his sin wll be exposed. In order for him to repent, he needs to see a reason to and as long as you and his Mom save him from the natural consequences of his sin, then he has no reason to turn to the Lord. If his bad choices means he forfeits the chance to be in your life and the life of your daughter, so be it. Painful, yes, but needed. Besides, by you allowing him to treat you like that, you have already seriously damaged your daughter for life. She now has imprinted on her brain that it is okay to let someone treat you like crap in the name of love and "Christianity" and it is a trick of Satan to make you think that this is right. Even God cut off His People when they were out of control so that their pain would draw them back to him. DO NOT let your fear keep you from moving forward- it is Satan's trap to keep you from victory in Christ. Get out of the way and stop trying to be a Christian, because your trying is getting you in trouble. Walk in wisdom and use the law of man to do God's Will. If God is going to give your husband back, He will do it in His time. If He doesn't, then you can rest that God has a better plan for you and your daughter that does not include your husband destructve behavior.

I would not advise anybody to stand up to a sociopath. They don't care. They don't think like most people. My husband was going to kill me. He was going to throw pee on me to cause us to argue then he could tell people his reason for stabbing me with a knife. He doesnt know that I know this. He is sick. But I realize it. I married him. He is replacing me with a man that has more money to spend. He donesnt love his mother and brother and sun because they cant elevate his status. He is selfish, egotiical, living in fantasy....everything...charming smart....attractive...the whole 9 yards. His mother I believe has never heard of a sociopath. I have mars in scorpio, so I am pretty smart too, but I hide it....well lets see what happens with this game.

i am married to a sociopath also but i really am stuck. my husband tried to put life insurance on me and kill me. he pointed a loaded sks assault rifle at me a number of times saying, oh its just you. he stole my birthday money one year. my husband treats me like a throw away slave. he cheats on me all the time, he lies to me all the time. he is irresponsible, self centered, dangerous, dirty, rude, does not want to work, a cheater, a liar,he steals from me, and so much more. he use to be a cop and one year he lied to the police who were his buddies and told them i beat him up and pushed a car door on his mom. after he pushed me into the wall with his large body i did spit on him but nothing else. the charges were dropped, and his cop buddy was fired from the police department a few years later. i am washed up, i have to stay. i have no choice. i dream about living on my own or jesus coming to get me. everynight before i go to bed i have to spray my bathroom floor with bleach because my husband has athletes foot and he will not treat it and he says this is his house and if he wants to walk around in the bathroom barefoot then thats exactly what he is going to do. for years before he made this comment he lied to me about not walking barefoot in the bathroom. my oldest son caught a really bad fungus from my husband and he could not wear shoes for a week. i believe my parents were sociopaths and i seeked the sociopathic men. i know i made my bed, and there is no way out for me, i am stuck. i tried to kill myself once. i am on zoloft, i suffer with severe depression. sometimes i can not get out of bed for weeks. when i first got with my husband i was a free-spirit, energetic, very happy go luck, raw boned, down to earth girl, but 16 years later i am this unhappy person who has to take zoloft. there really is nothing that can be done for me, and i understand that, and i completely accept my punishment but you girl sound like you are making all the right decisions. GOD BLESS YOU. i hope everything works out for you. but just remember me, missy, when you ever want to get back with him, and know how my life has turned out.GOD BLESS YOU HONEY

Mjflowerchild, no you don't need to be treated that way. Please get out and get help. Read books about abusers and how that affects the ones they abuse. Sociopaths are very dangerous. Please know that there is hope and help available to you. Go to a women's shelter if you have no family. Fight, girl, fight! Don't lay down and die! Get up and do something about you situation. I stayed in a similar situation for years and I got out and I finally feel like I'm breathing fresh air again! God is real. He loves you and sent Jesus to die for you and save you so you could live with him forever and have an abundantly joyful and peaceful life. Please don't give up.

Yes, you can still get out. Do not be afraid of him, many of them will use the things they know scare you but it does not mean he will follow through on it!!! You need to pack your bags and go. Do not look back. Who cares about a house of things, you can always get them later. You health is more important and he probably uses that to scare you so he has control over you. Remember they are crazy but not neccessarily stupid. He knows that if he really is to (kill) you by shooting you he will go to prison. Then his freedom is taken, many of them do not want that so remember that. They are chickens that hide behind thier manipulations. When he is out one day get out and go. Take the most importnat things and leave.

Thats part of being a sociopath, they never accept blame. If they are wrong in your eyes, and everthing is all their fault, they may have to kill you. That is how my husband feels.

I have to agree....I dont really think my boyfriend loves anybody...he just uses people. He used he is moving on. He only spent one hour with his son per day if that while we were dating. The rest of the time he was having sex. As an astrologer I beleive a lot but not all sociopath are Areis sun signs or have strong aries in their chart. My husband is an aries sun with aries in Jupiter. He is the worst person I ever met. all his priorities are for the moment. he doesnt even buy new clothes. just alcohol, gas money, and thats it. I had to buy him new shoes even though he calls me poor. he is extremely egotiscal and rude. I cant beleive I love this jerk.

the worst part is I see these tendencies in his 4 year old son too big time. His 4 year old son is also trying to kiss me passionately. I dont like him and I dont like being around him. I tried to comfort him...then he tried to kiss me. what a ******* situation.

2 More Responses

If you know you have done everything you could to encourage him, being his help meet, being a good wife etc, then maybe its time to accept things as they are. People will only change their behavior when they chose to change their thinking, you cannot change him. Most sociopaths have a grandiose feeling about themselves so for the most part, its not their fault they are thinking, its yours. :Look within yourself to find the proper guidance and strength to do what is best for your health and safety. I say health because it is stressful to deal with a person that is a sociopath, that stress will start to affect you physically and; for your safety because first its verbal and put down, then who knows when that temper escalates. <br />
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Best wishes

Here! Read this! ; and then go get the book it's from and read it. As one who was raised by a passive Christian woman and watched her be abused for years, and internalize blame, it's my life's goal to get a million women like yourself to read this book, and change their lives from being the door mat of predators to being saving in self defense.<br />
Good luck, pass it on.