Is My Husband Really A Sociopath?
I'm new at this sharing stories stuff online, but in a really hard place and need advice or encouragement.
First off, I am a Christian and I have been praying for God's direction and will in this situation. I have been a stay at home mom for a couple years now, and currently separated from my husband of seven years (since September 09). I'm back in the state that I'm originally from, while he is another state. We have been separated for 6 months (nothing legal though). We were constantly arguing and fighting all the time (and in front of our 3 year child which I hated). I am so scared to leave the marriage for several reasons: fear of the unknown, no financial security (being a stay at home and him the only one working), that I failed as a wife and mother by having my daughter go through her parents getting divorced, embarrassment, a lot more. He has also threatened that he wants split/equal custody of our daughter and if I challenge him for it, it WILL get ugly and basically drag me though the mud. I wanted our marriage to work to being with, and did not want to leave, but basically he was the one that pretty much insisted I go back to my parents and that some time apart may help us.
I still talk my mother in law almost everyday, and she has told me that she believes her son (my husband) is a sociopath. Just today, I have started researching this and looking into it. I have to say that not all, but quite a few characteristics/symptoms he has. But he has NEVER laid a hand on me. My mother in law has said that her ex, my husband's father (who is deceased), was controlling-but he was physically abusive to her- and cheated on her all the time, and that she sees the same characteristics in her son that she saw in his father. She even told me that this is my chance to get out of this.
Just a little brief history of some things: There have been incidences where I am almost positive that he cheated on me, or did something inappropriate. One was a high school "friend" of his-who I also became friends with-and not to mention a preacher's daughter. To make a long story short, they were talking on the phone all the time and always texting each other. I looked at his cell phone bill for one of the months this was going on, and there were over 100+ calls and texts between the two. I mentioned it to both of them and they told me it was nothing at all and they were just friends. It ended up getting so out of hand, that her parents, my parents and my mother in law had to get involved to make it stop. Then there was another girl-married and pregnant with her husband's baby-we were both friends with. I found emails between the two of them (an email account I didn't know he had, but was somehow able to get into it). Basically they were talking about how much they wanted to be with each other, start a family, and all that crap. There were nights when he would not sleep at home and said he was going to sleep in his car in the Walmart parking lot. It felt at that time he had already checked out of the marriage and could care less about me. But I was praying that God would save our marriage. There were many other things, like him getting a new cell phone w/ a different carrier, this girl kept calling our house telling me I shouldn't be there and that was going to be her house, and of course a lot more. My mother in law had to step in again and get ahold of that girl too. His reason why he did those things was because I was not being the wife I should have been, and if I would have paid attention to him he wouldn't have had to get it elsewhere, basically saying that it was all my fault. (And yes, I wasn't keeping the house clean and cooking meals like I should have-which he keeps throwing up in my face. I ended up becoming overwhelmed with grief and emotion because of all this and went to the Dr. and got a Rx for Effexor, an anti-depressant.) Then, here recently, it happened all over again with the same preacher's daughter! And when I went down to our house to get some more of my things, there on the nightstand was a camera, with the last two pictures of them hugging on our bed, and her ring on the nightstand (I knew it was her's because I saw her wearing it). They again, both denied anything happened. But admitted that the first time it did get out of hand (all they did was kiss) and it was inappropriate and they shouldn't have let it happen. Most recently, I noticed a charge on the bank statement to a steakhouse. I asked him who he went with and he said his mom. His mom said that it was not her and he is lying and what reason would she have for lying? I then tell him and he swares it was her. Same cycle, everyone else is lying and he is telling the truth. And if I can't trust him I don't need to be with him.
He also lied and told me that my SUV was getting repossessed because he couldn't afford the payments on it. When I went to the house that night to get my stuff, there in the shop was my SUV. I called him out on it and he said he lied because was embarrassed and didn't want it to get repossessed at my parents house. Seemed like it was another way to control me by taking away my vehicle. (I called the finance company and they told me they just deferred the two months payments and they were not repossing it.)
I can't believe anything he tells me and even his mom said he is a compulsive liar. He tells me that I'm the compulsive liar and that he hasn't told as many lies as I have. what ?! He has also been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Manipulating, putting me down, everything is my fault and always comes back to me, not taking responsibility for his actions or behavior. And the promiscuous sexual behavior: wanting someone to watch him or walk in on him ************, wanting to be with a transsexual, wanting me to be with another man while he masturbates. And when I tell him no, he gets mad because I wouldn't want to do those things (later he tells me he didn't mean it, but just wanted to talk about it so he could get off/excite him.)
In saying all this, our marriage has came to the point where we need to call it quits or try and work it out. Me personally, I feel like I have nothing for him anymore, but he is almost in tears wanting me back and saying the he loves me. I keep telling him how do I know that won't happen again (him flirting or doing something inappropriate again) and he keeps saying how does he know that, and I quote, "I won't be a wife again and keep the house clean, and have meals cooked for him and act like I want to be with him".....and he has put that fear aside and willing to try.
If he really is a sociopath, then things may never change or work out. I just don't know what to do...