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Their Wife, Indeed!

I have been married to a twin for 35 years. For more than 16 of those years, we have also housed his identical twin in our home. There are many times I think I'll go crazy, and only a few times that I am grateful that "the other twin" is there. Mostly I see that his presence gives my husband an excuse not to be in a close relationship with me... like he can be a brother, or a husband, but not both at the same time. They have worked in the same company for almost all the years we have been married, driving together, eating lunch together.... always TOGETHER!  But he never has time to be with me.

We all traveled for years singing together, and we were sometimes announced as "John and Dave (not their real names) and 'their wife'."  I usually laughed, but most often felt humiliated, as I have never been wife to them both. How I have "stuck it out" for 35 years, I don't know... I'd like to talk to others who feel this kind of struggle.

TheirWife TheirWife 51-55, F 13 Responses Apr 26, 2010

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I have been dating a twin for about 3 years, but I only had a private relationship with him for 4 months, because we had to also housed his twin. I want to think about future stages like marriage and maybe family, but how do I know our relationship is stable enough between us both if we have never been more than 4 months of just us. He doesn't understand me at all, he says since I have no siblings I will never understand. Their friendship/brotherhood doesn't bother me, is the fact that it has been 3 years and I have seen little to no effort of his twin brother building a life of his own. I don't know what to do. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Stay out of it. 14 years and filing a divorce. You will never be a priority in every aspect. I had lots of trouble along the way and I travel half of my time. My wife is the weak twin. Jealousy, security, depression cycles, alcohol, each live in a different country and kept getting worse. I have two sons that should do the same activity as the son of the other twin! They feel as if they are a second. My experience is very bad.

I'm glad i found this blog - at least I am not alone! I've been married to an identical twin for for 8 years and the twin lives in a different country although it doesn't feel that way! I married one and ended up with a dependant in the other. It's as if my husband is obsessed with the relationship with his brother and prioritizes his wants and needs - both emtionally and financially! This is worse as his brother has MH problems and is very demanding and manipulative. This is really straining our marriage - he can't see this - I'm sick of it and feeling really resentful!

I (female) am married to an identical twin. My brother-in-law is very clingy. He has always been the needy twin. After my husband and I got married, he seemed very sad. Finally he met a girl and quickly married. My husband says it is not at all the type of girl he would have suspected he would marry. Now we live in the same town with them. He (brother-in-law) is still needy but not as bad. We now both have kids and it is so frustrating that brother in law and his wife are possessive of our children. They always want my daughter to do everything with their daughter and the wife especially gives me a guilt trip if I don't let my daughter do everything with her. I think they get offended that I don't give them a heads up and invite them to everything we do. The wife is not a twin but she is needy like him too. My husband is aware of how they are and has good insight but no one else in his family does. I feel bad that I think we hurt their feelings but I feel smothered by doing everything with them and need my space. I don't want my little girl to feel like she doesn't have any space either. Wish people could just take social cues but they are both very socially awkward.

My situation is very similar. Only my husbands twin is his sister. We have been married for 3 months and because of financial and other reasons, we live apart. He lives with his sister, and my kids and I live with my mom. His sister constantly checks in on him, calling him several times a day to see where he is what he's doing and when he's coming home. If I even ask what he's doing, he shuts down and won't talk to me.She has also commonly talked trash about me to him and he says nothing to her about it. There are no boundaries when it comes to what she can say to him about me, he doesn't stand up for me or our marriage at all. I have asked him several times which one of us he's married to, me or her. I'm seriously at my wits end, and have told him I feel more like "the other woman" than his wife. There is no "us" there is only he and me, but any thing to do with his sister it's "we" this or "our" that. UGH!!!!

Agreeeee...

My experience is opposite but complex. My husband is an identical. He and his brother separated when they left the military. His brother ended up having his mother all to himself as my husband married (not me) an moved 2000 miles away. By the time I entered the picture they were just strange brothers in a family of strange people. I hav a dominating personality, my sister in law a diminished one. As to personalities these are identicals. Both define constantly what s theirs as in "my" everything. they have hoarding tendencies that my sister in law tolerated, I don't. They dislike in each other what is most prominent in themselves. Tey are now 72 years old. When my husband got sick was when his brother became quite communicative it was cancer and Of course it meant to him that maybe he wld likewise get cancer. Once healed the relationship and ommunication is back to calls here and there. Their being identical has mad them no closer than any other. I am much closer to my non twin brother than my husbands to his. I think my husband and brother' s distancing from each other is about each of them gaving disassociate behavior neither a a close friend.

I've been married to a twin for almost 10 years and I think my marriage is about to end. Like most of you here I feel the least important person in her life. Whenever her twin or any of her sisters are in town I hardly see her. Recently when the twin came to town, she stayed with her for 14 nights and never slept on our bed once during that time. I like her family but I'm sick of not being of any importance in her life. I've asked for a little bit of her time as 'Us Time' but she won't. I've asked her to come out, dance, diner, join me at the local bar - whatever I don't mind. All I've asked for is some equality in her life. So with a very heavy heart, I don't see the point in continuing being married. I love her and miss her, but I don't see the point in continuing unless things change and in my heart I know it won't.

I have been married to a twin for almost two years. We live apart during the week because of my schooling (I'm done in one month!), but my husband still chooses to spend time with his twin more than me when I have breaks from school. He tells his brother everything about our relationship and completely ignores my calls and texts when he is with him. I'm really starting to get upset about this whole situation. Anyone have any tips? Every time I try to talk to him about it, he denies that he puts his brother before me. I feel like they should just marry each other!

I often thought the same..after over 40 yrs ? I cried, I loved, and slammed the door!

I know how you all feel I was in the same situation, I had to get out!!!!!

I've been married my husband (an identical twin) for twelve years now. When we became engaged and decided to marry in less than a year, his brother tried convincing my husband to hold off and not to rush, although we had been together for about 5 years. The three of us moved in together due to high rent prices, and I became the caretaker of both of them. Even my father-in-law said, "I warned you that you would end up with both of them!" There was one point before the wedding that I left and drew my line in the sand, but I ended up returning because I believed that we could make it work.<br />
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Communication was non-existant in our marriage when we all lived together, despite my attempts. The brother always won out and they would spend more time together than my husband and I. It finally got to the point that I insisted that my brother-in-law get his own place, which he did. My husband was commited to making our marriage work, but he seemed clueless as to how to handle his brother when boundaries were being crossed. When my brother-in-law had a girlfriend, it was a constant comparision/competition between us as couples. He humbled a bit when the relationship ended. <br />
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Two years into our marriage we made the decision to leave the state and return to our home state and my husband's twin stayed behind. I do believe that this is what has saved our marriage. My brother-in-law is now married to a woman that I like....but she has also had communication problems in their marriage which a therapist has attributed to being a twin. The times we all get together now are brief (less than a week or so), so it is manageable. But, even during these times, my sister-in-law and I both note that communication with spouses breaks down and they are in their own world of sorts. <br />
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I wish the internet was more prevalent when I got married 13 years ago -- I would've been relieved to find this site. I thought I was crazy with all of our issues!

My husband is an identical twin and his brother has had major issues dealing with our relationship since we started dating. His brother has developed a serious drinking problem which has lead to his losing his job, his home is in foreclosure and has causing several embarrassing and humiliating moments for my husband(including at our wedding)and we're trying to help him get treatment. He refuses to seek help so we feel a bit helpless right now. Because of this, our relationship has been strained and my husband has started drinking more and more often himself and behaving somewhat wrecklessly. Now he's telling people that he doesn't want to have kids(one of the main reasons he wanted to make it legal, and he's behaving less of a husband and more of the bachelor he might've once been. I don't know what to do. I try talking to him but he's in denial and when I mention that maybe he's drinking more because of his brother, he doesn't deny it but justifies himself by reasoning that he's able to go to work and doesn't drink during the week(wine and the occasional vodka don't count). We'll be married 6 mths in a couple of weeks. I'm really worried. I love him tremendously and I think we could be extremely happy but this behavior is destroying our relationship quickly. I'm stunned and at a loss of what to do.

First of all what you must do is not blame his twinship. For example twins statistically drink and smoke less then singletons, so its not like he's a drunkard becuase he's just a crazy twin. Also my family has 5 mentally ill singletons in it, so we have gone through are fair share of embarrassment in it. Sometimes life just throws a curveball, and you have to find away to deal with it, life isn't always perfect, it is a life thing. Don't worry about what other people think. Don't let his twins behaviour effect you relationship. Its seems like his twin his influencing him but if it wasnt his twin it could be his friend. He maybe drinking because of his brother but it doesn't change anything he is still gonna drink no matter who influenced him.. Ask yourself can you support him and help him through this difficult time. You may be worried that the same thing is going to happen to your husband that happend to the twin, but try to be positive, it might just be a phase. Keep an eye on him, and support him things might change soon, if not seek help i.e alcholics anoymous.

I went through this exact same thing with my husband and his twin not very long ago at all, except my husband WAS drinking during the week but he was still making it to work so he didn't see the problem. I don't know exactly what the breaking point was but it did change in my case! I hope things get better for you. I stood strong and held on and just kept trying to tell him I was here for him whatever it was. A strong marriage is not two people who are strong all the time, but two people who can take turns being strong for the one feeling weak. <3

You know one thing I am realising is that if we are married to a twin, then we need to accept our spouse for who they are - a twin. I have been trying to change my wife and control the way she relates to her sister and this is not me loving my wife for who she is. I will never fully grasp the bond she has with her sister, but I can simply accept it as part of who she is and love my wife for who she is. It is not esy being married, let alone married to a twin but as I have only been married for 2 years I am realising that the longer you are married the easier it gets. Or thats the theory...

wait another 10 years then u will change ur perspective on this. of course we all want to accept our spouses for who they are. the question is if they will give us all the same courtesy they give to each other? after all, we are human just like them. i understand we do not have that same bond. all i ask is respect but i got nothing when it comes to the two of them

I feel your pain, I have been maried to a twin for 18 years. I often feel like the outsider as my wife and her twin make plans without asking what I think. every time there is a arguement there she is again right in the middle of it, if not the cause of it. I dont believe my wife ever comited to our marage the way couples should. I have grown to resent my sister-in-law so much I cant stand to look at her, I said this to my wife during the last arguement witch was about her twin, and we hardly spoke since and havent touched at all, about 4 weeks ago.

I think she probably thinks you probably wouldn't want to sit alongside them at a dinner or party as you might get bored, it's probably insecurity and fear of being judged. Maybe invite yourself along.

I am a twin and can be sensitive, have you said something wrong, You have to watch what you say, have you hurt her, have you said something out of line, people bite back and your probally not used to that. I myself just want everyone to be nice, not say anything horrible and im ok, but the world don't work that way. For example my sisters boyfriend said to me about my twin, i thought she was a stuck up, horrible person when i saw her walking along the street. i was hurt and bit back with she doesnt say hi to strangers because there alot of weirdos out there. He hurt me and my sister so i felt the need to hurt him back and stick up for myself in a sly way. Really the truth is i hated the fact that he judged and did'nt even know her, im not like that i get to know someone before i judge them. My sister is always crying about what people have said wrong, i worry about people giving her a complex because im the one that sees the tears and the insecurity. Im not being horrible or trying to imply anything but she has even tried to kill herself, so im defensive if people say the wrong thing. I am learning to compose myself now but its hard when people can be honest. He said to me your fatter then your twin also and i was very serious, and he hadn't even make conversation, so you can imagine i was getting hurt so he may have felt i was giving him the cold shoulder. Above all i still try to be nice, but really he may pick up things i don't know. I just wanna say twins see alot about there twin, they see blood, sweat and tears. So ask yourself are you treating the twin right, have you said the right things, because the twin retaliating maybe a sign that you have said or done something wrong to her or her twin. Question your actions.

I chose sad for my reaction because I am sad for you. It is virtually like he is married to his brother from what you have said. I am so sorry. I used to have close friends that were twins and they would double date and do just about everything else together too but I would never date them because they used to switch places with dates and pretend to be each other. argh!!!!